being an interesting guy

[ThereThere]

I'm not a very good conversationalist. Never been really. My family came from a different cultural backround that didnt involve a lot of social interaction so i didnt get the practice. I was a very awkward and obnoxious kid, thinking that if i act silly and get people to laugh, they will like me. needless to say, i had a very poor social life growing up. Plus i have adhd which makes it worse for me to pick up on social cues.

now that im in college, ive gotten better at not being awkward. i got a real group of friends that i hang with and have common interests. but i still dont feel like i've connected with them. ive been trying to analyze our conversations and ive realized that im not a very analytical person, which in turn results in ankle deep conversations. By that i mean, since i don't think deeply enough into the subject of the conversation, i have less things to say. Plus the fact that its hard for me to pay attention to the other speaker and responding appropriately. I also have a hard time putting to words what i want to say. very rarely do i have more than a 5 minute long one on one conversation with people. and i never really know what to say to strangers.

I think the biggest reason why this is aside from the adhd and not having the practice is that i've led a pretty boring life with very little experiences due to the fact that i havent really had any friends until late high school. the people that im with are spewing stories and information left and right and all i do is comment on them whenever i can think of something to say. this is a lame metaphor but if a conversation was a meal, i would be the salt and pepper rather than a dish. anybody got any suggestions?

[spirit4711]

If you feel that you didn't experience enough, how about creating more experiences? Develop hobbies, join clubs, visit the theatre or go to concerts, whatever you like!

The clue to being interesting to others is being interesting to yourself first.

[ar81]

Originally Posted by ThereThere

I'm not a very good conversationalist. Never been really. My family came from a different cultural backround that didnt involve a lot of social interaction so i didnt get the practice. I was a very awkward and obnoxious kid, thinking that if i act silly and get people to laugh, they will like me. needless to say, i had a very poor social life growing up. Plus i have adhd which makes it worse for me to pick up on social cues.

now that im in college, ive gotten better at not being awkward. i got a real group of friends that i hang with and have common interests. but i still dont feel like i've connected with them. ive been trying to analyze our conversations and ive realized that im not a very analytical person, which in turn results in ankle deep conversations. By that i mean, since i don't think deeply enough into the subject of the conversation, i have less things to say. Plus the fact that its hard for me to pay attention to the other speaker and responding appropriately. I also have a hard time putting to words what i want to say. very rarely do i have more than a 5 minute long one on one conversation with people. and i never really know what to say to strangers.

I think the biggest reason why this is aside from the adhd and not having the practice is that i've led a pretty boring life with very little experiences due to the fact that i havent really had any friends until late high school. the people that im with are spewing stories and information left and right and all i do is comment on them whenever i can think of something to say. this is a lame metaphor but if a conversation was a meal, i would be the salt and pepper rather than a dish. anybody got any suggestions?

Quite a long post for someone who has nothing to say...

I think you just do not feel comfortable with people and it makes you feel stressed. Normally under stress people talk less. Relax and do not worry if you fail or make mistakes.

[ethereal]

Everybody has an interesting life with interesting things to say, but we don't remember it or our fears and other emotions get in the way.

Try writing down a list of stories and things you could talk about, or search on the net for interesting stories and tidbits you could share with someone, and memorize them so you can bring them up whenever you meet someone new. Talking about personal development and dating are two of the funnest and largest topics you could talk about, with close to infinite things you can say. The best stories are the true ones, ones that you have experienced yourself -- talk about your personal development journey, and see if the people you talk to are interested in travelling on this path too.

As for fears and anxiety and other emotions that get in the way of a smooth conversation, that takes lots of personal development and spiritual work to overcome. I recommend some meditation, like meditating on the source of your fears and surrendering / releasing those energies from your system. You should feel more at peace after meditation, and in the long run it will help you in a lot of different ways.

[DerekH]

I can relate to you quite a bit. Growing up I was very introverted and I still am.

I will give you a few tips that have helped me become a little more 'extroverted' .

If you enjoy reading, I suggest you read a wide variety of books. You will make new distinctions and have more to talk about it. The books can be about anything, non-fiction... fiction... whatever you want but read a bunch in your down time.

Accept any social invitation. If your friends... or even an acquaintance invites you to go anywhere... and you are free to do so... accept it. Last weekend a girl who I met once through my girlfriend invited me to her housewarming party with her fiance. Even though I only met this girl once and for about 3-4 hours, I still went there and had a good time. I felt a little weird going at first but I ended up having a great time there.

If you have any hobbies that you really enjoy... indulge yourself into it. If its something you are passionate about, when you talk about it to others, they will feel how cool and important it is to you. They'll probably open up more to you with their passions.

These tips are very 'surface level' concepts. The more important concept is that you believe yourself to be an interesting guy. You have to really think that what comes out of your mouth is just pure gold . What you say has value and others will definitely respond. The value comes from the value you believe you inherently have.

Just reading Erin's latest facebook update - "You don't have to be perfect to offer something of value to others."

Don't worry about being perfect. Have fun with others .

[mmartin2009]

I used to feel the same and was pretty quiet too. I agree though, you've said a TON and you seem to have analyzied yourself pretty thoughly! It sounds like you're comparing yourself to some standard and since your not matching it you're unhappy. Maybe it's the standard that needs to change? I know I used to think everyone else had a happy/fun/relaxing/sexy/perfect/beautiful/easy life but there's always more than what's on the surface. The people you think you want to be like are probably riddled with doubt and unhappiness too. May I suggest meditation? It would certainly help with stress (college is oh so fun that way) and you can also begin to get to really know yourself.

[alwaysconfused]

Originally Posted by DerekH

The more important concept is that you believe yourself to be an interesting guy. You have to really think that what comes out of your mouth is just pure gold . What you say has value and others will definitely respond. The value comes from the value you believe you inherently have.

I agree. Just because others may have traveled around the world or went into space it does not really make them more interesting. What may be interesting to you may be boring to me. Just because others may talk more does not mean that they are more interesting. In reality, all people do the same basic things everyday, so in a way were are all boring. I know that I personally do not like traveling, so anyone talking about traveling would be boring to me.

I'm sure that you are an interesting person. Being interesting is not about what you do, but how you present yourself to others. You have to believe that your stories and experiences are just as important as everyone elses. If you think that you are boring so will everyone else and you will present what you have to say in an unconfident way, so no one will be interested. Try speaking more confidently and know that your thoughts are as important as theirs, and see how others start responding in a positive way.

[TonyToneTone]

You actually seem like a VERY analytical guy to me.

To me this all seems like a confidence issue, nothing to actually do with being more interesting or conversational. If you're more confident, you'll be more conversational, which will make you more interesting. Make sense?

So what to do? You can grab some audio CDs like "Self-Confidence by Bob Griswold" YouTube - Part 1 hypnosis - Bob Griswold's Super Strength Self-Esteem (you can get it at Barnes and Noble). You can also go to the self-help section of your book store and get some books to help you with it. You can also set small goals and start to reach them which will build your self-esteem.

By the way, please realize that the people who hang out with you already DO find you interesting. That's why they're hanging out with you. Please relax and don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing fine.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by alwaysconfused

I agree. Just because others may have traveled around the world or went into space it does not really make them more interesting. What may be interesting to you may be boring to me. Just because others may talk more does not mean that they are more interesting. In reality, all people do the same basic things everyday, so in a way were are all boring. I know that I personally do not like traveling, so anyone talking about traveling would be boring to me..

I've travelled around the world, I have quite a few hobbies, but sometimes if you only talk about yourself, you're boring regardless of how interesting you are..

So I think the best bet is to talk about other people more. Instead of worrying about needing to be interesting, expressing interest in other people is a more attractive trait..

Only work on being interesting for yourself, not to impress...

[Bruce Achterberg]

Originally Posted by ThereThere

I'm not a very good conversationalist. Never been really. My family came from a different cultural backround that didnt involve a lot of social interaction so i didnt get the practice. I was a very awkward and obnoxious kid, thinking that if i act silly and get people to laugh, they will like me. needless to say, i had a very poor social life growing up. Plus i have adhd which makes it worse for me to pick up on social cues.

now that im in college, ive gotten better at not being awkward. i got a real group of friends that i hang with and have common interests. but i still dont feel like i've connected with them. ive been trying to analyze our conversations and ive realized that im not a very analytical person, which in turn results in ankle deep conversations. By that i mean, since i don't think deeply enough into the subject of the conversation, i have less things to say. Plus the fact that its hard for me to pay attention to the other speaker and responding appropriately. I also have a hard time putting to words what i want to say. very rarely do i have more than a 5 minute long one on one conversation with people. and i never really know what to say to strangers.

I think the biggest reason why this is aside from the adhd and not having the practice is that i've led a pretty boring life with very little experiences due to the fact that i havent really had any friends until late high school. the people that im with are spewing stories and information left and right and all i do is comment on them whenever i can think of something to say. this is a lame metaphor but if a conversation was a meal, i would be the salt and pepper rather than a dish. anybody got any suggestions?

If you'd like some experience--I can relate to that--consider joining Toastmasters (Toastmasters International - Home).

In 2007, suffice to say my real life, non-internet social circle was pretty non-existent and the people in it were not at all like-minded, so I decided to join Toastmasters to benefit from the positive reinforcement of being around more positive, like-minded people. The advantage of this was that I got loads of experience with speaking to people (not in the public speaking sense, although I got that too. I mean just in the walking up to people and speaking to them sense. By nature, Toastmasters encourages communication).

I was only a Toastmaster for just over a year, and in retrospect, there were some disadvantages, too, but they're mostly relevant to me, and it was through life experience that they got highlighted, so I'm not at all looking at Toastmasters and thinking "gah, wish I hadn't done that." I would have done a few things differently if I was to do them again today, but I learned much and developed many skills from my Toastmasters experience.

I also wanted to comment on your thread title of "being an interesting guy." Now, I know what you mean when you say that--that you want to bring more of you out and express yourself more authentically and in alignment with your desires--but... well, let me put it this way: I would encourage you to be You, and Interesting Guy. You could try to Be Interesting if you like, but being ThereThere--or whatever your real name is--is, in my opinion, a far better, much easier option.

Okay, I'm poking a bit of fun there to illustrate a point, but I am being serious about the point that you can never be interesting enough to please everybody. As Abraham-Hicks says, you simply can't stand on your head in enough different ways to please everybody, and even if you can please a few people, there more people to please, and if you get two different people in the same room that require you being two different ways so that they can be please... uh oh.

I'd encourage you to look for ways to express more of yourself--more of You--rather than trying to be interesting. I'm sure if I hung out with you for a while, I'd find many interesting things about you. You're already interesting. I'm sure you'd find loads of people who would say you're interesting, or something like that (okay, maybe if you don't know that many people you wouldn't have many people saying that, but as you interact with more people, I'm sure some of them would say that).

I've often said that "I need to be more X" (with X being the quality that I thought would bring me the results I wanted), but I've learned it's much better to let those qualitise arise naturally, as applicable to me, by fully being me. The more I try to be something that I'm not, or follow some technique that, in practical terms, "should" get me the results I want, the less effective I become.

Another issue with trying to "be" something is that people see the world, and people, in different ways, so while one person might see you as interesting, another might see you as annoying. The common denominator? What either person thinks about you has nothing to do with you. It's all about their perception of you.

To give you an example, I was never really very social for the first 20 years of my life (I'm 22 now), and my earlier school experience influenced me to not think very much of myself, but as I interacted with more people, I was kind of showered with kind words and praise for various things (not all the time, but far more than I would have expected it). I tell you that not to brag, but to illustrate that what I thought about myself was often very different from what other people thought about me. Sure, if you hang around with people who don't treat you so well, you'll get lots of negative feedback from them, but that's very much about their perception of you--what they're seeing--not you.

Even now, I'm still noticing that I have these patterns of thinking about myself that I was taught by the people around me--patterns that don't resonate at all with what I know to be true about myself. I held back when it came to speaking to people for years because I developed, or was influenced to think thoughts like "oh, I don't have anything to say," "that person won't like me," etc. I didn't always put words to how I felt or the thought I was thinking, but it almost always--probably always--stemmed from a feeling of "not enoughness"--of needing to be more, because I didn't feel I was enough.

In my experience, addressing feelings like that is important, but I wouldn't ever assume that any particular characteristics you have are inherent to you. You surely have ways of being that are very practiced that arise from "beliefs"--thoughts you keep thinking, and think a lot, so they become easy to think and hence, "be"--but those can be softened, and new ways of being can be activated. (You surely have some characteristics that naturally arise from you, but I'm not talking about personality or strengths or positive traits or desirable attributes or skills--I'm talking about learned states of being that speak to the idea that you have something wrong with you, or that you lack something, or that you're not good enough. All of those states are not inherant to you, and the reason they all feel so bad is because they don't resonate with what you inherently know to be true at the core of your being.)

One other thing I'll mention: even though I've gained considerable experience when it comes to speaking with people (I was a member of two Toastmasters club, and a member of the committee in both clubs, so I had lots going on socially), in my experience, while you can gain skill and knowledge (which I have), those things are less important than how I feel. If I don't feel good for some reason, my ability to have what I might consider "enjoyable interaction with people" goes down the toilet. If I feel great, speaking with people is enjoyable, conversation flows, and I don't have access to any thoughts of social awkwardness because I'm in range of different thoughts--ideas, stories, etc--that match my good feelings.

Whenever I find myself "trying too hard" when it comes to interacting with people, I know I'm probably trying to compensate for some bad feeling I have (whatever it might be in relation to; the bad feeling can be related to the social interaction). There's lots of emphasis on technique and "being" a certain way, and I think those things can be useful, but if you're using them to feel a void of not feeling good, unless they help you change the way you feel, no technique will compensate for those feelings you have.

I'm not sure how you feel, but the reason I bring feelings into this (and harp on and on about them ) is because, in my own life experience (which I feel has similarities to yours), especially in relation to interacting with people, how I feel has been a big factor. It might not be a big factor for you--maybe you feel great, and if so, excellent!--but based on what I know about reality, feeling good is pretty important for lots of reasons, not just social interaction (and that may seem like a simplistic premise, but it's a fundamental that, in my experience with myself and other people, is too often overlooked).

[epicurus]

hey therethere? you analyzed your not being analytical? haha. You are quite analytical my friend. And, if your description is accurate, you care alot about what others have to say, and that's much better than thinking of yourself all the time.

Also, re: your analogy...I'm an experienced cook. Salt and pepper are the foundation of dishes. Are you holding the conversations together with your seemingly minor additions? it could be.

[ThereThere]

Thanks guys for your responses. Ive read most of them and ill try to finish reading and responding to them later when im not so tired/have the time.

[DerekH]

Originally Posted by brendannz

So I think the best bet is to talk about other people more. Instead of worrying about needing to be interesting, expressing interest in other people is a more attractive trait..

Only work on being interesting for yourself, not to impress...

Definitely.

One thing I am always conscious of is the use of the word " I ".

If someone is telling you a story about how they visited France. You can respond with a few things.

"I know a few people who live there." This type of response is really not conducive to creating a fun conversation. You are focusing on yourself.

"Awesome! Where did you visit?" Hopefully their trip was fun and they will tell you about their adventures.

People enjoy talking about themselves. I like to tell people about the things I'm doing in my life. What projects I'm working on in both my work life and personal life. Just by paying a little bit of attention to what someone is telling you will certainly improve your conversation with them.

You can talk about yourself to other people... but if thats ALL you're doing, then the conversation becomes boring to the other person.

A scene from the movie Fight Club is a constant reminder for me.

Jack (Edward Norton) says, "When people think you are dying, they really really listen to you."

Marla says, "Instead of just waiting for their turn to speak."

Jack says, "Yeah..."

Be interested in others and you become more interesting yourself

[Angela]

The most interesting people are the ones who are interested.

Get really curious about the person you're speaking with. Ask questions. Listen generously. Ask insightful questions, based on what you hear.

[Metroid999]

Hi, ohh I have a friend that turns anything at all into HER and HER past, HER view, HER opinion and yes it has resulted on me no longer talking to her that often.

I totally agree everyone likes to talk about themselves...and it is a good technique, to ask more about what they are talking about with open questions... usually if they are normal people they will talk about their stuff then give you the ball back and ask questions to you.

Perhaps the people you are around don't make the atmosphere comfortable for you to participate, I know there are people that are too self absorbed or have diff priorities and even if I'd like to mention stuff it just doesn't seem worth it...

I agree you can add new stuff to your life for YOU, things you enjoy, read books, read the news, take a sport or learn to play a musical instrument.. and find ppl that are similar to you... or volunteer for something, usually volunteers are ppl that consider them citizens of the world, or have some religious ideas about "the greater good" and are kinder and more compassionate so at least I tend to feel easy around that type.

And also I have not had much human contact lately, just with one person, my bf and I am learning I dont have to share anything or make my life public or talk about the concert i went, lately i just like to do things I ENJOY and listen to music I LIKE and try to fall in love with life and invest on the relation between me and god and life and nature....

I am rambling but I hope the best for you and I say if you are around the correct kind of ppl it may be easier for you ppl that actually are interested in other views...

[DerekH]

Originally Posted by Metroid999

Hi, ohh I have a friend that turns anything at all into HER and HER past, HER view, HER opinion and yes it has resulted on me no longer talking to her that often.

I totally agree everyone likes to talk about themselves...and it is a good technique, to ask more about what they are talking about with open questions... usually if they are normal people they will talk about their stuff then give you the ball back and ask questions to you.

Perhaps the people you are around don't make the atmosphere comfortable for you to participate, I know there are people that are too self absorbed or have diff priorities and even if I'd like to mention stuff it just doesn't seem worth it...

I agree you can add new stuff to your life for YOU, things you enjoy, read books, read the news, take a sport or learn to play a musical instrument.. and find ppl that are similar to you... or volunteer for something, usually volunteers are ppl that consider them citizens of the world, or have some religious ideas about "the greater good" and are kinder and more compassionate so at least I tend to feel easy around that type.

And also I have not had much human contact lately, just with one person, my bf and I am learning I dont have to share anything or make my life public or talk about the concert i went, lately i just like to do things I ENJOY and listen to music I LIKE and try to fall in love with life and invest on the relation between me and god and life and nature....

I am rambling but I hope the best for you and I say if you are around the correct kind of ppl it may be easier for you ppl that actually are interested in other views...

Congrats on your first post

[jacare]

Originally Posted by Angela

The most interesting people are the ones who are interested.

Get really curious about the person you're speaking with. Ask questions. Listen generously. Ask insightful questions, based on what you hear.

I agree totally with Angela. Ask the other person questions about themselves, be *genuinely* interested in them. Look them in the eye, and really listen. Pay attention. Wait until they are finished speaking before saying anything. Most people will appreciate this kind of interest and attention. Reciting tales of your own adventures to other people may only induce a yawn.

[bparry]

Wow, I really connect with your post - the same words could have come directly out of my mouth.

I can't say I've gotten past this at all, the last few months I have been travelling alone and I have found myself having a lot more spontaneous ongoing conversations with people, the problem is that these mostly focus around travel, and I'll be talking with other travellers - I've actually found myself becoming bored with these conversations as theres a fairly routine set of questions that people seem to ask - I've really come to appreciate those rare people who have creative questions to ask and I now try to avoid the regular set of questions like the plague when i talk to people, but i agree with the other posters, questions about the other person go a lot further than talking about yourself.

As a side note, I've never really had a problem taking an interest in other people and asking questions but it seems that the people I end up talking to never reciprocate - I've started noticing this more as I've tried to push myself out of my comfort zone by talking more and I noramlly struggle to get out more than 1 or 2 sentences before they interrupt with "Oh yeah, when I...... " or something similar. Has anyone else noticed anything like this or am I just attracting these people to me for some reason?

[SmartAlx]

If you are interesting to yourself, you can be interesting to other people. The key is passion. People get excited when they hear passionate people. Whybjust look at the success of the tv show Dirty Jobs. Jobs no one would want but they are interesting. Share your stories with passion.

Also toastmasters. I don't have any personal experience but I have been considering joining for some time to become a better talker myself. Another great tool to consider is a standup or improvisational comedy class. I really thought about doing that too. The only thing that stopped me was money. Now that I'm about to start working again I'll probably take the class. I'm sure it will help with my delivery in my anecdotes.

Oh! And my life changed virtually overnight the moment I became involved in a dance studio. Great fun. Meet lots of people. And learn the best icebreaker in the world, dance.

[ThereThere]

Sorry guys for the late response. I agree with all of you on your points. I think im going to try to look for a club around campus that would interest me. possibly theatre or something. I have to admit, lately ive been a little guilty about waiting for my turn to talk during a conversation. i guess ive been preoccupied with trying not to appear boring, which doesnt really help when the other guy has something more interesting to say haha. I will definitely start listening more and giving the other person the floor during conversations.

What i mean by me not being analytical is that during the conversation, it can be difficult for me to hone in and fully understand the point of what theyre saying because of my ADD. once i've set time aside to mull over the situation and what was said, i will pick up on things and be able to analyze it, but im not very good at that in real time.

Anyways, thanks so much for your advice guys. they've been very helpful.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by ThereThere

Sorry guys for the late response. I agree with all of you on your points. I think im going to try to look for a club around campus that would interest me. possibly theatre or something. I have to admit, lately ive been a little guilty about waiting for my turn to talk during a conversation. i guess ive been preoccupied with trying not to appear boring, which doesnt really help when the other guy has something more interesting to say haha. I will definitely start listening more and giving the other person the floor during conversations.

What i mean by me not being analytical is that during the conversation, it can be difficult for me to hone in and fully understand the point of what theyre saying because of my ADD. once i've set time aside to mull over the situation and what was said, i will pick up on things and be able to analyze it, but im not very good at that in real time.

Anyways, thanks so much for your advice guys. they've been very helpful.

Joining a theatre club would be a great idea, even if you don't make friends along the way. Everything you do, seems to become a part of you.

The fact that you're thinking about this, is a good sign I think.

I sometimes wonder if I have moderate ADD as well, I have trouble concentrating sometimes, and I can be a bit restles... Although I've never been diagnosed with anything..

[timothydrake]

The movie "Yes man" starring Jim Carrey. Go out and have "yes man" experience. I promise you will be more interesting.

[jaamkie]

don't overanalyze so much, or assume everyone has the same experiences as you have. what seems totally boring to you might be fascinating to someone else- you never know. so toss out whatever (appropriate) comments come to mind- if someone is interested, they'll follow up on it; if not, let it go- it's no harm, you're still communicating friendliness (though if you doggedly pursue a topic that bores whoever you're talking to, then it becomes obnoxious). and I agree- ask questions, make observations about whatever someone else says- try to relate to it, be positive, and eventually the conversations will flow.