Religious conflicts in friendships

[The David]

If you've read my essay down there, you know a little about my bad case of social ineptitude. If you haven't, well...basically, I was incredibly unsociable for 18 years.

I started college this last fall. Before attending, I went through a crisis of faith which ended in me adopting a very different view of things (I live in one of the Buckles of the Bible Belt) than those around me. No big deal, right? Wrong. I was at Lee University, the university of the Church of God.

Now, these people were nice to me. There were no witch hunts, crematoriums, or anything of that sort. However, it was obvious we were on entirely different sides of the religious spectrum. Almsot everyone was extremely conservative, and not very understanding of outside views.

I was getting along fairly well for a while. In fact, this was the first time I was able to relate to people normally. Early on in the semester, though, I began facing serious conflicts with one friend, who is actually my best friend and a family member. I didn't get much support from other people, either, which magnified the situation. Not only did this make the semester incredibly hard to get through, it amplified my own insecurities about leaving the faith, and made it impossible for me to trust anyone else in the religion (which is almost everyone at the school; there aren't really any non-Christians or even liberal Christians).

A part of me thinks this is unhealthy, since I ended up with very few real friends by the end of the semester, but what good can come out of a friendship like that? Is it really possible to be friends with someone who is going in a completely opposite direction? Right now, I need people who I can connect with on a spiritual level, and so far all my Christian friendships have just drained me.

[elainevdw]

Originally Posted by The David

A part of me thinks this is unhealthy, since I ended up with very few real friends by the end of the semester, but what good can come out of a friendship like that? Is it really possible to be friends with someone who is going in a completely opposite direction? Right now, I need people who I can connect with on a spiritual level, and so far all my Christian friendships have just drained me.

I think you answered your own question!

Friends can grow in opposite directions and remain friends -- but only if you don't feel judged by them. The "drain" you're feeling is a clue on that one. Friends energize you, they don't drain you.

Have you considered transferring to a different college? If truly everybody there is spiritually draining to you, maybe it would be a good idea to find a multi-ethnic, multi-religious college on the West Coast or something. Otherwise, you may need to find a social group outside of your school, unless you can find a group of non-Christian folks on campus. Hunt down a counselor in the philosophy department and express your concerns there; they might be able to point you in the right direction.

[The David]

Actually, I will be transferring. I'm not actually at that school this semester.

Still, though, no one there has really judged me, as such. I mean, I can pretty much guess what they would think of me, knowing what they say about other non-Christians, but they all seem well-intentioned.

I'm worried that I might be projecting onto them the judgment I faced in the other friendship, and I don't want to reject 70% of the country over the label 'Christian'. But when I find out someone is a conservative Christian, it just sours the friendship now.

[da1prophet]

I sort of get where your coming from having grown up as a non-Mormon in Utah. Still, that was a bigger community than a small, insular University. You're doing the right thing transferring IMO. I never had much of an issue with being a religious minority growing up, and I had plenty of friends--Mormon and non-Mormon. But, then again, its not like I had enrolled at BYU and tried to fit in.

Basically, I think you just need a little perspective--once you become part of a more diverse community it'll be easier to accept people into your life for their own intrinsic qualities. Now I have friends from all races, religions, political affiliations and walks-of-life but we have a connection on some level or another. That's something you can't do in a "closed society" like a University. Get out into the real world and I think you'll quickly find that religion is no longer much of an issue one way or the other unless you choose it to be.

[cylon]

Friends usually have something in common, and that's what they focus on. My friends and I have always had different political views, it makes for interesting discussion (no one ever changes their minds of course) but usually it's "so what."

Now when it gets to, "I really like you as a friend but I can't spend too much time with people who haven't accepted the lord in their hearts, it causes me so much pain that you will spend eternity in hell, and as a friend it is my duty to try to save you" etc, then you've got problems.

[The David]

Originally Posted by cylon

Now when it gets to, "I really like you as a friend but I can't spend too much time with people who haven't accepted the lord in their hearts, it causes me so much pain that you will spend eternity in hell, and as a friend it is my duty to try to save you" etc, then you've got problems.

No one's ever said that to me. The people who know my viewpoints are generally nice about it, but I usually sense a cultural barrier. Maybe it's just me.

I know I'm making the right decision in transferring. I'm just not sure if I should have closed off like that while I was still there.

[Matthew Shea]

As you know, I'm sure, from my response to you in your other thread, I'm Christian myself, but probably more on the moderate-to-liberal end. I work with an Atheist who I also consider a friend. In our case, we're both rather set in our beliefs, which makes it challenging and almost fun, in a way, to debate with each other. Topics like the inerrancy of the bible and the place of women in society as described in the Old Testament vs. today make for some interesting discussion. I find that his skepticism reinforces my faith and in his case, he's probably becoming more convinced of my craziness in certain matters. I hope to at least convince him, however, that a single individual can have religious belief AND a logical, well thought out world view at the same time. Anything beyond that would just be frosting on the cake.

Getting back to the point, I think the difference in our case vs. yours is that we're both able to separate ourselves emotionally from the religious debates we have. If you can do that successfully and if you're secure in your position, a religious debate can serve to reinforce your beliefs. Emotional involvement and insecurity, however, will only lead to hard feelings. I'd suggest that, given you have come to a firm decision on this issue and given the recent nature of your "conversion", you start to surround yourself with more likeminded people at least until you get to a point where you're more secure in your beliefs. At that point, being around Christians won't bother you so much. In other words, you're doing the right thing by transferring.

By the way, it warms my heart to hear you describe your former classmates the way you do. It seems like they understand the Christian message of not judging others. I can't say that about a lot of "Christians" I've met or heard about.

Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck in finding yourself.