how to care about other people?

[edwardmccaughan]

warning! this is something I should really think through the wording of better before I actually post it. Fortunatly I got a doctors note exempting me from having to write coherent posts due to a sprained ankle.

Anyway. I've always been a loner. Partly something that runs through the family, partly because shutting out the world was the easiest way of dealing with life when I was a kid and now that I'm older and much better at this whole life thing, I really need to learn how to actually have emotions again.

Anything I understand about how other people feel I understand scientificly, from watching and paying attention, from reading up on how people work, but I can never really get the empathy thing going. I know I can do it when I'm not payin attention-If I'm in a bad mood and don't smile at people I can see them being colder when normally they'd be friendly. When I cheer up, they get talkative. I'm getting pretty good at making conversation, being funny, charming and all that, but I know it gets so much easier to do when you really mean it.

I read a post on ask.metafilter and someone said
"I'll tell you the secret. You have to need something from other people. No matter how shy or introverted you are, if you aproach someone in a manner that you are trying actually be friends with them, you will discover that they will be great friends to you. If you don't care about them, there will be no friendship."

that last bit really resonated with me. I don't need other people. When I work in a team, I prefer to do all the work alone. I'm so used to other people being useless, doing things myself is always the easier option. I don't make friends because being alone is easier than the messy stuff that happens when you say the wrong thing.

What I really need is someone to be brutally honest with me. I do jujitsu and its one of the best things in the world, because when I screw up my teacher is totally simply honest about it. No putting it delicately, no lectures or guilt tripping, just a simple fact and how to correct it. Everyone else is too worried about hurting me to tell me what i really ought to know. And I know I'm lying to myself about teh real reasons because I can feel myself sort of skirting around the issue and getting distracted when i try and think about some things.

As for you guys...*shrug* tell me whatever you want. Tell me why you think I'm messing up, tell me what you think it is I won't let myself find out about myself, what you did when you were a loner, tell me the secret to making the perfect sauce (it won't help, but it'll make me feel better ;-) )

thanks for taking the time for reading all that

Edward

[C33]

Hi Edward,

Interesting subject...

First of all, I don t think being a loner is necessarily a bad thing. I am a loner myself.

As long as you don t hurt animals or little children and are not collecting body parts in jars...there is nothing wrong with that.

Why do you want to care for others?
What is your motivation?
Do you think you HAVE TO?
Do you genuinely want to connect with others?
Do you feel like you're missing something in your social life?
If your life is functioning thus far, with no pain for being a loner, what prompts you to want to change?

I believe in elective affinities. Sometimes, you do not care about others, because you have nothing in common with them whatsoever.
It is not so much about caring ( because I suppose that if someone got injured in front of you, you would care enough to help...) that is is about caring to know more about others: their lives, their pursuits. If you do not particularly gell with people at work, then, don t force yourself to care about them. Be pleasant and move on.


If you create a social circle for yourself, that includes people who have the same interests, they will be interesting to you, and you will naturally care. If you are in a dry social environment, then you might just shut down around others, because you are not curious about their lives and you feel you have nothing in common with them.

Pick the people in your life, do not let your social environment dictate your social life. Be open to meet people by vibrating positively and putting out the intention of meeting new friends.

[munish]

Have you read this post by steve pavlina ?http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles...telligence.htm

He compares beliefs/thoughts with the software.So that there are multiple gateways to the happiness.

[ethereal]

Try to see the whole world, everybody, all thoughts and actions, all creation as Love. Socrates once said, "man always chooses what he thinks is best for himself; unfortunately, he is often ignorant of what is best." Thus, mankind ("hardware") is intrinsically innocent; all suffering is caused by the ego ("software"). Understanding/realizing this leads to compassion and love for the whole world, no matter what is happening. You start to see the love in a flower, a sunset, a girl studying at a cafe, a guy mowing the lawn, a parent scolding a child and the child sulking at being reprimanded. You also start to see how lonely and unloved everyone is in this world. Everybody is starved of that love, hence all the problems and suffering in the world. When you begin to see that, it is hard to not care about others -- it becomes a way of life, to spread the love and understanding and compassion you have to others, to smile at a stranger and make their day, to offer some change to a bum, to cheer up people and make them happy as best as you can.

It doesn't have to be anything big; most of the important things in life are those short, almost inconsequential moments with friends, or watching the stars, or enjoying your favorite ice cream, or snuggling in bed with your significant other.

Love and caringness stops being something that you do, but something that you are, a way of being in the world. Every little thing, every interaction becomes infused with that love, and you will naturally start to see people gravitating towards you to experience it because there is not enough love in this world. Funnily enough, the more love you give to others, the more you receive and the more you have to give.

Hope this helped I've been recently going through these changes myself after deep spiritual inquiry and I can honestly say, your world becomes completely transformed. Unconditional love, in level of consciousness terms. That state didn't last very long but having tasted it once, nothing else suffices

[yossarian]

I think it's possible to care about people, to love them, to have empathy without actually associating with people.

I'm a bit catatonic which makes socializing naturally kind of nonexistent. I'm not yet convinced that being naturally anti-social is necessarily a bad thing.

Basically what i'm saying is you don't have to be a social butterfly to have compassion, love, and empathy. But those qualities certainly help if you want to be a social butterfly.

[빈센트]

You don't have to like people. Being a loner is counter-productive. If you're to get anywhere in life, you need people to be on your side to make the journey easier.


Some tips:

A Steve Pavlina tenet.
1. If you're not sure about something, make a decision quickly, and just do it. If you waste too much time thinking about things, you'll overthink them when doing them is so much simpler.


Take out a 30-day trial in social relations. Set a goal like, having a meaningful conversation with someone everyday. It doesn't have to be someone new. It could someone you already know. Remember, a relationship can always be strengthened.

The more of something you do, the more adept you will be at it. So spend more time with people, join more clubs. Start your own club.

Don't expect a smooth ride though. It take some work to remove excess cynicism.

Another thought is you HAVE to want it or you'll fall into the self-fulfilling prophecy trap. If you think it's not going to work, it won't work. So you need some resilience.

Be creative. Have fun with it. Find new ways to connect with people.

[eastcoastgirl]

Edward,

I’ve always been kind of a loner. My reasons are similar to yours—it makes life easier, less painful. That worked for me for many years, but lately, I’ve been dissatisfied with being so alone. All of my reading and other pursuits in the area of personal development are telling me that connection with others is one of the most important things in life. I’m convinced that, if I want to find true happiness, I will need to connect with other people in meaningful ways.

There was one thing you said that reminded me of me so much—“I'm so used to other people being useless.” For much of my adult life, I considered other people to be generally incompetent, not very smart, and more trouble than they were worth. I’ve changed my views on this. I believe that if you allow yourself to think of people in this way, the more disdain and impatience you will have for them, the less compassionate you will be, and the more smug you will become.

One thing that has helped me to change my attitude is the realization that—I know this will be hard to believe; it was for me—I am not perfect. I am not superior to other people. I know we all say that, but we don’t all truly believe it. Believe it. The weaknesses you see in other people are the weaknesses you have in yourself. And if those aren’t the weaknesses you have, then you have other weaknesses to make up for them. We are all in the same boat.

I’ve forced myself to engage in activities that put me in with other people. I do it mostly through my church, but it doesn’t have to be church. I take classes and seminars that don’t have a lot of people in them so that it’s easier for me to interact with them. I’ve been volunteering for community service activities, which is something I have never done, but it’s been very satisfying.

The path has not been easy, but the more I try to accept people the way they are (with all of their weaknesses, quirks, and faults), the easier it gets for me to find value in them for just being who they are. And the more they accept me.

Good luck in your journey.

[Angela]

It's funny that you do jujitsu, which is all about energy and momentum, yes? and yet you put so much energy into avoiding real connection with people. Too bad! You ARE connected and related to people.

Maybe you're ready for a deeper sense of connection with people (which is not the same as "needing" people, as the person you quoted put it.) If you are ready, how about using your energy and momentum to actually create what you want with people. Yourself, 100%. Your jujitsu has instilled strength, discipline, and suppleness in you, right? Can you practice being with people (everybody), and use those assets to generate love or affinity? It would probably entail letting go of "people are useless" and "things could get messy" or whatever you're holding on to so tightly that you spring away into lonership.

The great thing is that generating love and affinity doesn't mean you have to say anything in particular or anything at all, any more than you do in your martial art. Do you see what I mean by generating, and would you be willing to try it? (you are already practicing doing it by posting here, by the way.)

(p.s., you also generated affinity the other day in the insecure girl post, in which you looked very boldly at yourself and said why you wanted to help people, even when they resisted your help. I meant to acknowledge you for that, cuz I was impressed by your sweetness and humor, even if you did stick your tongue out at me.)

[John Hill]

I think many people who become interested in personal development are loners in their own way even if they are constantly surrounded by people. Your problems are relatively common, you just need to see how you can get yourself out of the situation you feel you're in. I have written numerous articles related to how you are feeling and how to use your subconscious mind to change your life. The link is below.

John