Honest conditional love

[mtrimpe]

For everyone who followed my previous post, I had trouble accepting my boyfriend as who he was, expecting him to be/become my dream-prince instead of accepting what is. I've since accepted what is and I find that I'm not in a state of unconditional love. I love my boyfriend, but for us to remain together for the rest of our lives, things will have to change.

That's why I'm asking the following:

If you openly communicate that the love is not unconditional, that things will need to change, is that a really bad way of approaching a relationship? Is it doomed to fail? Or is it secretly the way every relationship should be approached.

One problem I have with unconditional love is that it can't be taken to extremes. You can love a partner unconditionally, but if he starts beating you after marriage, that becomes just plain stupid.

Isn't love meant to be conditional? Isn't true love finding someone whom you trust to meet your conditions?

[Angela]

Hey there, mtrimpe! You can love someone without reservation and at the same time have circumstances that make you unwilling to remain committed to him. It's not the love that's conditional; it's the choice to remain together that's conditional.

You can stay with him with love, or you can break up with him with love. Telling him, "you have got to change or I'm leaving" probably isn't communication that has a lot of love in it! But being clear about your non-negotiables is a very loving thing to do, for both of your lives to work.

One caveat: does this guy beat you? If so, please leave him today, right now. Don't say even one more word to him. I'm hoping you just used that as an example, and are not actually in physical danger.

[mtrimpe]

Hehe, this sort of finishes the thread for me already. You are so sweet! And no he doesn't beat me, at all.

What you said is the answer I knew was right all along, but somehow couldn't fit it into my value system. It's strange, but once again I lumped two things together, unconditional love and staying together.

I will once again take your advice to heart and lovingly share my non-negotiables. I'm really curious as to the outcome. I'll let you know in this thread how it works out!

Also related to the other thread from a while ago ... I have really started accepting life now, not just my partner, and it truly feels like I'm waking up from a 4 year long dream. It has really grounded me and it's such a relief to stop investing energy in answering the question: "Why in God's name aren't you the way you're supposed to be???".

Thank you so much for that, it has made a world of difference to me. I'm having a real hard time suppressing the desire to idolize you right now ...

P.S. It's funny how you mentioned the beating, because just this weekend I was shocked to look at my life and realize that I seem to display all the symptoms of being a victim of child abuse, even though I have no memory of it whatsoever. I think you're picking up on that energy in me.

[Lychee]

Well, different relationships have different forms of love. A mother has unconditional love for a child. But a friendship cannot be entirely unconditional since the relationship is based on mutual respect, attention, and investment. If one friend stops investing in the relationship, is that really a friendship?

A marriage/relationship must have conditions and boundaries. You can unconditionally love a person but the commitment is not unconditional otherwise everything would fall apart. Telling him your wants is not a bad way of approaching a relationship at all, especially if you intend on marrying this guy. A relationship is based on two people and if one person isn't carrying their weight, that isn't a healthy relationship. Love is very important in a relationship, but it's not the only thing.

The best thing to do would be to communicate your grievances and needs to him and set the conditions that you would like for him to meet. That would be of course after assessing whether or not your conditions are points that are valid and fair. I think it would be good for you to tell him that you are there to support him and that you are willing to work with him to make the relationship better.

[Erock]

Hey I read your intial post, and I must ask: is this really your first relationship ever, or just your first serious relationship? My suggestion would be, that if it's not working out, maybe try seeing some other people.

I'm not one of those people that believes in soul mates. I feel that we have different levels of compatibility with different people, and the more relationships you have, the more you know about yourself and what you like. Whether you agree with me on that or not, it might be something to think about.

Erock

[mtrimpe]

@Erock: This is my first relationship that lasts more than three days or so, so I call it my first, period.

I agree with you completely on the concept of different levels of compatibility. I also believe that if you don't learn the lesson behind a problem, you'll attract the exact same problem again in some other form. I see it happen around me time and time again.

I'm pretty sure that the lesson in here for me is indeed communicating my wants, my non-negotiables, demanding to be treated respectfully in general. Why I'm not running from my partner and going out to find another one yet, is because I haven't gotten the lesson behind my problem. I know that I will make or break this relationship if I do so (instead of letting it linger) so I plan on doing this.

As for soulmates, I'm a firm believer in them. I believe that the more 'compatible' you are, the longer you can be together truly learning from each other/growing through each other. Soulmates, to me, are people you could learn from and grow through for several lifetimes, so that this single lifetime is obviously too short.

[Dharma]

Why is unconditional love the goal? Make the goal to be in relationship and experience it, fully. I think you're using unconditional love as a yardstick to measure yourself by. (or to beat yourself with)

Love just is. It is not conditional. The conditions are added by your mind. Do what you are doing and be conscious of your conditions with your partner (and realize these are also the conditions you have with loving yourself - i.e. "I will only love me under these conditions" instead of accepting self fully in the moment).

[mtrimpe]

Why unconditional love is the goal is because that's what I've translated my partners expectations into. However for me it somehow turns out to equal self-annihilation. Giving up my identity to please others, and whenever I do that I wind up hating myself for it.
I've just waken up from a dream of non-acceptance, as I call it, and find myself having done it once again. Once again having become someone I don't really recognize, doing things I don't really stand for, and once again having an incredibly hard time 'shaking off the yoke'.
The greatest step I've made this time is that I accept that I don't accept myself. I take responsibility for my non-acceptance, at times being sad and frustrated about it, at times laughing, but at least seeing it.
The last time I managed to 'shake off the yoke' and was really being true to myself I missed that lesson, acceptance. I found I could be myself only if I kept running from all obstacles, if I kept running from the scene of my pain. Eventually I got tired of running however and found myself caving in again.

I think the most important thing is that I also love myself conditionally. I've grown up to like living like that, using it as a means for improvement. I kind of figured that if people evolve through pain until they learn to evolve through joy, and I haven't learned how to evolve through joy I'd better give myself a lot of pain to evolve through.

You know, it all really doesn't matter. As usual this thread isn't really about the thing it seems to be about. It's really about not caving in to the expectations of others, about remaining true to yourself.

Right now this lesson is forced upon me through my relationship, and it's a tough one once again. But that's good. I can feel myself returning to my true self and this time with far greater acceptance.

Hehe, and I love you guys! You're all the best.

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by mtrimpe

The greatest step I've made this time is that I accept that I don't accept myself. I take responsibility for my non-acceptance, at times being sad and frustrated about it, at times laughing, but at least seeing it.

That's a great realization. Bravo!

[Dimitry]

Since it's a relationship and it takes two to tango, why don't you approach this "meeting" as such. Give him what your key requirments but then tell him he's more then welcome to reflect on what his are and tell you later on. You'll have to actually listen to his request just as you'd expect him to listen to yours.

[bobyglot]

Originally Posted by Dharma

Why is unconditional love the goal? Make the goal to be in relationship and experience it, fully. I think you're using unconditional love as a yardstick to measure yourself by. (or to beat yourself with)

Love just is. It is not conditional. The conditions are added by your mind. Do what you are doing and be conscious of your conditions with your partner (and realize these are also the conditions you have with loving yourself - i.e. "I will only love me under these conditions" instead of accepting self fully in the moment).

Steve has written a lot on the topic of (un)conditional love. This is my favorite among those posts: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2004/12/are-your-friends-an-elevator-or-a-cage/

That's what this thread reminds me of. Another Pavlina great. Read it sometime.

[yossarian]

The relationship is conditional, the love is not.

[Seraph]

Hey,

I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one. I'm really struggling with a similar situation at the moment as well. Don't really want to go into details, but wanted to let you know that I'm more of a lurker than a poster and that your posts have helped me with my thoughts. So thanks.

Seraph.

[Narz]

Originally Posted by Lychee

A mother has unconditional love for a child.

Ha, maybe your mother!

If you think of love as a verb, all love is conditional. If you think of it as a feeling, well, yeah, it's still all conditional. Or maybe I just don't the right people.

[Vivacious Woman]

mtrimpe, Angela is right.

Sometimes we need to be conditional. Some says love yourself first, because how would you expect others to love you back when you can't love yourself.