I feel like an awkward and insecure teenager when speaking to confident people??

[plus]

I think there might be something wrong with me... ever since I was a child, I was super social/outgoing and bold. During my adolescence tho, my parents divorced and the situations that followed emotionally scarred me. I've become extremely insecure about myself, and anti-social.

I figure it was just a matter of being young and eventually I'd grow out of it. Which I did. I can say, I've become SO social that it borders overcompensation... When I'm at a party, I like being the center of attention and cracking jokes and socializing with anyone.

The problem is, when I'm one on one with someone, the insecurities come back. All of the relationships I've built have been pretty shallow, and with people who are even more insecure/loner-ish than I am.

When I do meet someone who is just as loud and bold as I am (outside of a party setting), I feel extremely threatened and insecure. I feel the loser adolescent creeping back taunting me with the "i dont know what to say... am i ugly..." type feelings.

When i'm in control, aka when i'm speaking with someone who is nervous, i feel great. when i'm speaking with someone who is confident and outgoing, i have a hard time opening up and being myself.

my question is, how do i feel comfortable becoming friends with people who are confident and successful outside of the "drunk" environment? Do I have a drinking problem (usiing alcohol as a way to lower my social inhibitions)? Or is there something I can immediately change?

[NicB]

I will be interested in seeing discussion about this, as this is something that affects me a bit too. Loud personalities tend to put me in my shell, and it takes me a long time to get comfortable with someone. I'd like to see solutions to this also.

From my experience, going out of my comfort zone has helped.

[Stacey Grewal]

Maybe it's a good thing you feel shy because that/those person(s) may have something to teach you about yourself and/or the world. Maybe you are just meant to shut up and listen. I don't think it's a bad thing; I'm the same way - super confident but a) nervous around more knowledgable, confident people and b) put off by loud, obnoxious people.

On another note, if you are concerned you MAY have a drinking problem, let me tell you from my experience, it may just be true. Normal drinkers never worry about their drinking. Alcoholics do.

[Parthon]

plus: The only thing alcohol does is stop you from thinking clearly. So who you are is a dynamic and fun, open person naturally, you just cover it up with a thick layer of indecision and self doubt.

The solution to the whole problem is to stop thinking. When in a social situation, stop listening to yourself, and just start engaging with the other person. The doubtful self that talks to you and makes you shy isn't worth listening to, it's a waste of time. Ignore it, concentrate on being in the conversation with the other person, and let the whole interaction unfold naturally.

One other thing: You haven't resolved the issues that were created by your parents divorce. You'll have to speak to them and work through everything that happened if you want to get back to your natural confident self.

[Michelle]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. In fact, you seem to be very aware of your feelings.

It sounds like you have attracted a challenge into your life for the purpose of developing a new way of relating to people.

It sounds like currently your pattern of relating is "dominate or be dominated", no? Either you are in control and the other is nervous/afraid or the other person is in control and you are nervous/afraid. This isn't a very satisfying way of relating to other people is it?

It also sounds like you just need a new approach to the whole relationship business. Can you imagine what it feels like to relate and connect with people when neither is dominating or submissive? Where both are equal partners in any interaction?

[NicB]

It sounds like currently your pattern of relating is "dominate or be dominated", no? Either you are in control and the other is nervous/afraid or the other person is in control and you are nervous/afraid. This isn't a very satisfying way of relating to other people is it?

That's true.
Something i've learned over the years is that this is a poisonous state of mind.
It's not a matter of better or worse. People aren't better or worse than you.
It's merely a matter of how much people have conquered their fears and are open, honest and being themselves or not.

[Jarrod]

I like what Parthon said, stop thinking.

It is the thoughts and the emotions (often felt in the chest) that feel like they are shutting you down and hiding you away. But these are not you, you are separate from these and consequently can act however you want.

Go thought it

[ar81]

Originally Posted by plus

I think there might be something wrong with me... ever since I was a child, I was super social/outgoing and bold. During my adolescence tho, my parents divorced and the situations that followed emotionally scarred me. I've become extremely insecure about myself, and anti-social.

I figure it was just a matter of being young and eventually I'd grow out of it. Which I did. I can say, I've become SO social that it borders overcompensation... When I'm at a party, I like being the center of attention and cracking jokes and socializing with anyone.

The problem is, when I'm one on one with someone, the insecurities come back. All of the relationships I've built have been pretty shallow, and with people who are even more insecure/loner-ish than I am.

When I do meet someone who is just as loud and bold as I am (outside of a party setting), I feel extremely threatened and insecure. I feel the loser adolescent creeping back taunting me with the "i dont know what to say... am i ugly..." type feelings.

When i'm in control, aka when i'm speaking with someone who is nervous, i feel great. when i'm speaking with someone who is confident and outgoing, i have a hard time opening up and being myself.

my question is, how do i feel comfortable becoming friends with people who are confident and successful outside of the "drunk" environment? Do I have a drinking problem (usiing alcohol as a way to lower my social inhibitions)? Or is there something I can immediately change?

I can tell you something. My parents divorced too. I really hated their interaction. They are good people, but their interaction sucked, so I understood that they would be happier if divorced.

I also was a rebel. During my teen years I tried to build my own self in a way that I could teach them how a good relationship should work. And I did it. When I had my first girlfriend I had a great human interaction with her, and they learned somehow.
So instead of escaping, try to be a real rebel, one who will teach them as a role model.
My wife and I have a good interaction thanks to that rebel episode of my life.

You should not feel bad about being here. You do not suspect the problems that people here have had to overcome. And if they survived that, it means you will too. We are not different than you.

When you are in your teen years, between 15 and 24, biological and biochemical changes in your body makes you very prompt to depression that will make your reality look darker. It is a biochemical cheat of your brain.

So if you feel fear here, it is because of a biochemical cheat in your brain. You probably feel anxiety. Do you know how to fight anxiety? Use laughter, humor. It is a great medicine. Watch comedies, or find things that make ou laugh.

I fight my anxiety by writing humor news. I was inspired by The Onion.
Do you want to start laughing?
See this Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[thepharoah]

I ofteen feel the same way. Something I found that works is just to be kind and friendly and eventually you will open up. Don't panic and constantly think of things to say, but be patient and wait, and the connection will come. Also, some people are simply hard to befriend or talk to and it takes time to get to know them. The worst thing one can do is become anxious over it. It is a part of growing up and improving our social skills.

[djkc]

Originally Posted by Michelle

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. In fact, you seem to be very aware of your feelings.

It sounds like you have attracted a challenge into your life for the purpose of developing a new way of relating to people.

It sounds like currently your pattern of relating is "dominate or be dominated", no? Either you are in control and the other is nervous/afraid or the other person is in control and you are nervous/afraid. This isn't a very satisfying way of relating to other people is it?

It also sounds like you just need a new approach to the whole relationship business. Can you imagine what it feels like to relate and connect with people when neither is dominating or submissive? Where both are equal partners in any interaction?

IMHO - very precise analysis. You already have Awareness. It is the beginning.

Your next step is to listen to people without any thinking whatsoever. No internal dialog. No discussion in your head.

It takes a while and you will have to remind yourself to do it pretty often. However, once this becomes a routine thing - your fear of talking to dominant people will disappear.

You will become internally centered and there will be no difference for you - who is standing in front of you. This does not mean you will not experience some kind of fearful reactions along the way. After all, sometiimes person may induce some unpleasant emotions in us. However, your new skill will allow you to observe the emotion and react CONSCIOUSLY.