getting over divorce

[rei]

ok first of all, i am not technically divorced. wait, before you feel duped, let me explain a little. i will try to avoid a massive back story though, to respect your time. i was in a long-term, committed relationship for five years. we lived together, managed money together, became best friends etc. when i transferred to a different town for school, he came with me. we didn't get engaged but i did get a promise ring (how cute right?). well, things didn't work out and practically speaking there were some major differences, this was a co-dependent relationship for the majority of its lifespan.

when i began to see this was not healthy because i was making healthier choices myself, i slowly gathered courage to end it. (many women and possibly also men here probably understand how a relationship can be over a good while before both parties say it out loud). also i had tried to end it once before and he flipped out, he wasn't violent, but he made it very hard emotionally to follow through. he felt like commitment is commitment and wanted us to work out our differences - so even he looked at it as a marriage. because this relationship was so serious and had many hallmarks of adults living together as they do in legal marriage, when we ended it in some ways it has felt like a divorce from an emotional stance. we even had to divide up the property we bought together and decide which one of us would get custody of the dogs.

anyway, we broke up and he moved back to our hometown. i did some crying but i was ok because i knew this was better for both of us. i did begin to sleep more than before and my appetite changed, but part of that could have been because he was the one who cooked our food and i have no interest in cooking. i do know that people can have depressive symptoms when they lose something, and though i lost something i didn't want to keep, there was some loss involved.

well, in the last few days i have begun to realize i haven't been the same since this relationship ended almost three years ago. apparently in some ways i was my best self when we were dating. i was probably overfunctioning in some aspects, but the difference is kind of drastic. i guess somewhere under the surface i thought this was the guy i was going to marry and start a family with, the timing would have fit those milestones. i am bothered by how much i now realize those traditional dreams mattered to me. it really was the best decision as we would have been different in a few key areas, but it can often be hard to process when our dreams and major plans don't work out.

i guess this is a case of some hardcore disappointment. i know others have been through much more difficult things, but for the experiences i have had this has triggered disappointment that i only recently have admitted to myself. since the divorce rate is so high these days i figure there is a good chance some folks here will have some suggestions, whether you have been through the process yourself or are close to someone who has. i would like to move past this phase... now that i can see how much of an impact it had, i will probably be moving forward anyway. but if you have any ideas that may help me move on, as well as ways i can be my best self without a partner bringing that out, i'd appreciate it.

p.s. if you felt duped when you read the first sentence, i hope you don't anymore. emotionally and in other ways, this five-year thing was a marriage. i realize legal marriage is at another level, but for me, the ramifications feel like divorce without the legal issues.

[aggie]

don't feel duped at all.

it was a divorce.

i was first married for 15 years, built a life, had plans, shared dreams, seemed very much on the same page, for a while, then the wheels started to come off.

without long story: looking back we led separate lives together for a long time and i should have ended it 5 years sooner than i did.

devastated. thought i couldn't live without.

bingo! great weight off me, felt free, slept great, quite content with myself and cats ( i got custody by default.

three years later. new relationship. engaged never married. but the messiest relationship and "divorce" i'd ever had. more intense in 3 years than 15. i often tell people i had to "amputate" this person from my life. was more painful and traumatic. but i survived.

2nd marriage....much better! third time's a charm!...bottom line, even thought it hurts...what makes you think there is something wrong with those dreams and plans....you can have them with the right person.

you will always have to risk your heart (it is when you risk your head and your intellect that it gets dangerous)...but that is the chance you must take to have all these traditional things you many want.

as time goes by you may change. you may say, hey i like me alone for awhile and i am strong and independent and like my own company and i want to be selfish for a while.

who knows. but don't think of what you went thru as a detriment...quite the opposite it will help you see what you want in relationships down the road.

one word of advice...don't hold any new person responsible for what the previous one has done to you. i used to do that. it is not fair to either one of you.

good luck and enjoy.

[drakecatz]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by rei

well, in the last few days i have begun to realize i haven't been the same since this relationship ended almost three years ago.

Life doesn't really care about our personal time table. Believe me when I say the right one just hasn't come along yet. When he does you'll have the life experience of a long term relationship, and breakup, to know what you want and even what you would do differently.

Many Many people aren't lucky enought to marry the love of their lives. As Aggie said, you did go through a divorce. A marriage doesn't make the love stronger or more committed. Some people choose not to marry and make a life together. Most anyone reading your post knows this five years of your life mattered, married or not. Love is not contingent on a piece of paper.

My guess is that the best is yet to come for you, so be patient and see what developes in your life.

It sounds like this was your first love. Let it go, and if you don't want to move don't. Honor the love and time you had together. Reflect on what you learned. Most of all don't give that marriage certificate so much power!

This will pass! Good luck.

[AliB1959]

Dear rei,

I've been married and divorced twice and will be the first to say I'm no expert, but it does seem to me that every relationship I've invested emotion, time and love in has had a profound effect on the person I have been going forward from that relationship (while still in it or after it ended). Living with another person and attempting to "fit" our personalities and selves together is usually very much a challenge and I know very few people who are alike enough that there's not at least one key issue they struggle constantly with.

Please lighten up on yourself. What you've done is clarified for yourself that some of the traditional aspects of marriage are important to you, so going forth you know that about yourself. You also realize you were an idealized version of yourself while dating - before your became a living together couple. I'm sure he was too. In fact, I think 99% of us are while we're dating. So next time around decide whether or not you want to be that idealized version or do you want to show that person the "real" you up front.

Also, I would suggest that you make a list of aspects/traits of the person you were before you were in this relationship and then make a list of aspects/traits of the person you are now. Don't be judgmental or harsh in what you find, but just realize that you've grown or changed your thinking about some things. Maybe some of your goals have evolved or matured. After you get done with that, take the list of who you are now and make a list about what traits and aspects your future mate would have. I bet what you want in a future mate has changed quite a bit from 8 years ago. Anyway, by making a list of who you are now and what your future mate would be like, you'll narrow the playing field and also attract people with what you know you value, into your life. Just be aware that there are always aspects we didn't make note of that will become important issues, so add to your list of traits you want or want to avoid! Yup - it's work!

Above all, be kind to yourself. Divorce can feel like such a failure, but the real failure is to fail to grow from the experience. A piece of paper has nothing to do with the commitment, the lost dreams, the feeling that we've wasted years of our life or just made a mistake. There are no mistakes, just learning experiences.

Try to see the opportunity here. Ali

[rei]

Originally Posted by aggie

as time goes by you may change. you may say, hey i like me alone for awhile and i am strong and independent and like my own company and i want to be selfish for a while.

who knows. but don't think of what you went thru as a detriment...quite the opposite it will help you see what you want in relationships down the road.

one word of advice...don't hold any new person responsible for what the previous one has done to you. i used to do that. it is not fair to either one of you.

good luck and enjoy.

thank you aggie. i have done exactly what you said about spending time with myself... it was important to me, to get to know myself as just me, not part of a couple. i agree about this helping me see what i want in a future partner, and definitely agree about not making another partner seem accountable for what happened before.

[QUOTE=drakecatz;419527]

Most anyone reading your post knows this five years of your life mattered, married or not. Love is not contingent on a piece of paper.

My guess is that the best is yet to come for you, so be patient and see what developes in your life.

It sounds like this was your first love. Let it go, and if you don't want to move don't. Honor the love and time you had together. Reflect on what you learned. Most of all don't give that marriage certificate so much power!

This will pass! Good luck.

yes those five years mattered and thank you for saying so. this wasn't my first love but it was the first time i moved in with a partner to play house. so it is my first cohabiting relationship. thank you for what you said about this relationship mattering even if there was no legal marriage, and for suggesting patience - patience with myself is also probably useful for this issue!

Originally Posted by AliB1959

You also realize you were an idealized version of yourself while dating - before your became a living together couple. I'm sure he was too. In fact, I think 99% of us are while we're dating. So next time around decide whether or not you want to be that idealized version or do you want to show that person the "real" you up front.

thank you Ali, i really like the idea of making a list. lightening up is also great advice! i don't see the relationship as a mistake, as you said it is a learning experience as is everything else!

i just want to clarify this point in case you would offer any more concrete suggestions. i knew this guy as a friend for years, so there really wasn't any dating. he came over to hang out and the next day he was my boyfriend. i don't believe in sacrificing my authentic self to get a mate, though i know that's common it's not for me. what i meant in my post before, is that in some ways i was my best self while i was living with him. like i was better at cleaning up and keeping things organized, i was better at managing money, i kept more consistent sleeping habits... it's like i was better with these things because i was accountable to someone, i had a witness for things i did, and now i have really enjoyed single life, getting to know myself again, but since i realized i haven't been the same, one of my goals is to be more of my best self without living with a partner. so if you or anyone else here has some ideas for that, let me know.

[AliB1959]

You sound like a very smart lady, and that you were able to recognize the dysfunction and let go of a long-term relationship that you'd built so many hopes, plans and expectations on speaks volumes about your integrity and self-honor. I'm very proud of you - wish I'd had half of the smarts you have, frankly!!

One more suggestion - you may want to find a Life Coach and do a series of sessions. Many will give a series of sessions for free as part of their certification programs. Some established coaches will give you a free sample session to see if you and they are a good fit - even that one hour will probably give you something valuable. I did it - found my life's purpose ;-) I'm a believer and future Life Coach myself!

Take good care.

Ali

[rei]

Originally Posted by AliB1959

You sound like a very smart lady, and that you were able to recognize the dysfunction and let go of a long-term relationship that you'd built so many hopes, plans and expectations on speaks volumes about your integrity and self-honor. I'm very proud of you - wish I'd had half of the smarts you have, frankly!!

One more suggestion - you may want to find a Life Coach and do a series of sessions. Many will give a series of sessions for free as part of their certification programs. Some established coaches will give you a free sample session to see if you and they are a good fit - even that one hour will probably give you something valuable. I did it - found my life's purpose ;-) I'm a believer and future Life Coach myself!

Take good care.

Ali

thank you Ali, i do try to do the right thing even if it may not be the easiest thing. i have a question... i am already in therapy, and lately i have been wondering if a Life Coach is basically the same as a therapist without that sense of needing 'help' for our 'problems' or the stigma around mental health, and perhaps the Life Coach is more focused on career or our professional purpose. is this about right, or is there a bigger difference? (i am asking out of curiosity, and also i am already in therapy right now to work on personal and professional development, so i am wondering if that would be enough.)

[AliB1959]

Hi rei,

Yes - In my opinion, I think you have a good understanding of what personal coaching is about - a person who will listen and strive to deeply understand what you're saying. They are a co-creator with you. They should help you define your goals and help you develop a plan to achieve them, but the focus is you at all times. They hold you accountable, checking in with you to see if you've accomplished what you agreed to accomplish. Usually a one-hr scheduled session per week. If you haven't completed what you agreed to complete, you won't be judged, but get down to "why", remove the block, then get right back in the game.

The coach that I worked with definitely was skilled at getting to my answers. She was a very bright and well educated person, as well as a trained coach. I don't have the skills she had, so anything I say is just my opinion at this time. I think coaches have quite a lot of skills and tools that they use - it's not as simple as I'm making it sound, but it was simple for me as a client.

I have been through some therapy, too, and I understand what you mean about the mental health aspect. In my experience, therapy was more about finding why I do what I do (knee-jerk reactions) or feel a certain way, or (as an example) why a person limits themselves consciously or unconsciously - say they don't feel they can make more $$ than their parents did because it would be betraying their parents. That kind of thing can come into personal coaching, and it's good to realize where they come from, but they aren't the focus - the focus is more about taking the necessary steps even though there may be some psychological blocks. I definitely had some blocks (one was too many choices) and my coach helped me tremendously to narrow things down and helped me get moving.

She was a lot of support, helped me see a different perspective and make a plan to get what I wanted.

[James81]

I did a series of posts a while back on all the advice I could think to offer to someone facing a divorce. Hopefully you can find something in these posts that'll help/inspire you:

Lost Love Part 1: Facing the Loss | Soul's Asylum
Lost Love Part 2: Finding yourself again | Soul's Asylum
Lost Love Part 3: All the little pieces… | Soul's Asylum
Lost Love Part 4: The Foundation | Soul's Asylum
Lost Love Part 5: Shrugged | Soul's Asylum
Lost Love Part 6: Conclusions | Soul's Asylum

[rei]

Originally Posted by lyc70

Anyone there can put out your hands?

@lyc70: i don't understand this at all. if you want me to understand please elaborate.

@James81: thank you for posting these blog entries. i am sure there is something useful there for me.

@Ali: i can see what you mean about the therapist helping us understand the 'why'. i have a very good relationship with my therapist, we are so much alike that my old supervisor thought we were related! so there's a lot of trust there, and she knows i won't misinterpret it if she actually makes suggestions for ways to overcome the blocks i have (though most people might not want that type of advice, i think we both see it as a partnership instead of the expert and the non-expert dynamic), plus i am usually very good at the 'why' so maybe a natural effect of that is for my therapist to be more like a life coach. at any rate, congrats on finding out your purpose as a life coach! knowing our purpose in terms of our career is so liberating i think.

[AliB1959]

thank you, and you are so right. does knowing the why help you? I know it does help me.

I know my life's purpose is to serve others and I'm going to help women who have been physically and emotionally battered to find the strength to not go back into bad situations hopefully... I think this is a huge group of ladies with or withoug children that maybe society can't afford to help..... WEAVE here I come. I was battered for many years by my brother and father so I've found a niche of folks that I definitely relate to.

sounds like you are in very good hands. take what you want and leave the rest seems like good advice. Not everything works for everbody. if it doesn't feel right - reject it and move on.

[rei]

Originally Posted by AliB1959

thank you, and you are so right. does knowing the why help you? I know it does help me.

I know my life's purpose is to serve others and I'm going to help women who have been physically and emotionally battered to find the strength to not go back into bad situations hopefully... I think this is a huge group of ladies with or withoug children that maybe society can't afford to help..... WEAVE here I come. I was battered for many years by my brother and father so I've found a niche of folks that I definitely relate to.

sounds like you are in very good hands. take what you want and leave the rest seems like good advice. Not everything works for everbody. if it doesn't feel right - reject it and move on.

yes knowing the why is big for me. sometimes i even have a lesson - involving acting without knowing why - so i can become less hung up on it. i think you have found a very honorable purpose Ali (or maybe your purpose found you). there are shelters in most cities, many with counseling for women who may or may not be at the shelter, but that population needs all the support it can get as i am sure you know from personal experience. i want to offer you some extra congrats and kudos for finding such a meaningful way to use your past experience with this issue!

[AliB1959]

I understand about the why being important - it's always been for me too. Kind of just settles things.

Thanks for your kind words about who I want to help - most times the ladies that are physically abused/mentally abused don't even realize that's what's happening to them, but once they hear the signs they clearly see it. I was astounded the first time I heard it.

Anywya - my dream is a good one. I'm sure you have dreams and goals too, and if I can help in any way, please let me know. In about 3 months (into my training) I might be of some good help! Let me know if I can assist in any way!

[rei]

yes... i see some things i want to respond to there, but you're right if you are kinda implying that we got a wee bit side-tracked from the original topic so i will be sending you a PM before long (got some homework to do for now...).

i still welcome any future suggestions for this issue.

[drakecatz]

We are all so different, aren't we! I have always been my best self when I am NOT with a partner!

Before I go on, I have had some very bad, plus a couple wonderful relationships.

I am a private person by nature. Therefore I enjoy doing things when I want and where I want. I just finished painting the kitchen table as well as painting my backsplash tiles 5 different colors. No one helped me pick colors or styles, or with the work. (My kitchen table is now metallic silver, and it looks great!) And of course while this was happening I was listening to music I wanted to listen to. My ex husband would have had on something from the early seventies. You know, Vietnam music!!!

My point is during your single time you have the chance to find the creative self you truly are without a partners input. You also have the freedom to come and go as you please, and the possibility of setting your own boundries for yourself.

Explore what interests you. Take new classes for fun. Paint a wall! An hour of your time can really make your space only yours! Do what you want with your free time. The possibilities are endless!

How great is that!!!

[ar81]

Codependence... I know how painful it is.

I used to suffer that with a girl I was to marry. It turned out that she was unfaithful after 3 years. Under the eyes of emotion, she was "the love of my life", but just like we had supreme highs we had horrible lows.

I felt so bad that I was depressed for months until I suffered pneumonia and almost died. It was a good time to rethink how much I valued life.

Then I learned that happiness is not brought by someone else. If you are to be happy with someone, you first need to be happy with your life when you are single.

Love is a decision of sharing you happiness with someone, grow as human together, and let that growth spread to humanity. Emotions can cheat you, heart can cheat you, just like your brain. The real world is happy, but brain biochemistry causes us to see it dark.

Before you engage in a new relationship, ask your self "how would I describe the perfect person for me?" then you should ask "am I like that perfect person?" and you will discover a gap to fill. You also may need to enjoy being single, and discover your mission in life. Once you fill that gap, you will meet the right person, when you are ready, not a day before. The right person will be similar to us, and will come as they are of help in our mission in life.

It is also very important that both life plans are aligned. For example, if you want a home and family, and he wants to travel a lot around the world, it may not work even if you get along very well.

My marriage is not an emotional turmoil. You may think it is "boring" in terms of lack of "butterflies" (intense butterflies of sick codependency) but as I look behind I see my wife being a loving person who supported me when I needed support, she gave me a hug when I needed one. We do not fight very often, and there are minor details to tweak but we talk about it. Do I really need those "butterflies"?

[badeth]

Hi Rei!
First of all, welcome to the divorcee's club
My online divorce was finalized two months ago. I decided to divorce my husband because I caught him dating not only once but thrice.

Divorce is a life-altering decision. When we walk down the aisle, we had so much expectations that marriage would turn out just like those from fairy tales and felt that we had everything in this world. However, the way we wanted to shape our married life skew in the reality and the love will have faded in a blink of an eye.

Getting over divorce is much more difficult than ridding off the financial stains. It's like mending a piece of broken glass. The best way on how you can get over divorce is by letting go. Learn to forgive and forget, and give time for yourself.

[SteveTheVisionBoardGuy]

Hi Rei!
I do understand how traumatic and painful it is after a relationship that has gone awry. You will be going through bouts of anger, depression, bargaining and denial before you can reach acceptance and moving on.
One way of moving forward is to engage yourself in new activities that you have been wanting to do. This way, you will get immersed with a new hobby or activity that won't remind you of your ex. It will also fill your life with more activity and perhaps will give you a chance to meet other people like you and have some clean fun.
You can also focus on yourself and your goals, long term and short term. You can put your goals in a dream board so that you will be motivated to reach for them.
I hope I have been of help to you.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by SteveTheVisionBoardGuy

Hi Rei!
I do understand how traumatic and painful it is after a relationship that has gone awry. You will be going through bouts of anger, depression, bargaining and denial before you can reach acceptance and moving on.
One way of moving forward is to engage yourself in new activities that you have been wanting to do. This way, you will get immersed with a new hobby or activity that won't remind you of your ex. It will also fill your life with more activity and perhaps will give you a chance to meet other people like you and have some clean fun.
You can also focus on yourself and your goals, long term and short term. You can put your goals in a dream board so that you will be motivated to reach for them.
I hope I have been of help to you.

Did you happen to check the date for this thread?

[rei]

Wow!

Hehe that was a fascinating re-read.

Look, I use standard capitalization now

[seeker5]

Closed thread due to it being an old thread and no longer relevant. Rei, as OP if you prefer the thread be kept open, message a mod and we'll re-open it.