If I'm an introvert, why do I so much desire to talk to people?

[bizzer]

Hello,

The tests tell I'm an introvert and I also feel like this. They also say that introverts get energy from solo activities and loose energy when talking to people. Then I cannot undertand why do I want to talk to people so much?

Basically, I'd say I don't have too much success about having a nice conversations, but it's not like I don't want to.
From Steve's messages and the forum I've learnt that social skills is something to be developed.. but damn I just don't know how. I regulary see advices like go to people and say "hello". That sounds just stupid for me because I don't have trouble about doing it and I don't see the purpose.

So I really wonder how to proceed the conversation rather than to start it. How to discuss some serious topics rather than having giggs all the time?
I hate being quite most of the time and see that people don't really pay much attention to me.

The biggest confusion is that their attention is the thing I desire most of all, but when I get that attention - I feel anxious and tend to do anything to get rid of it

Does anyone experience something like that? How do you overcome it? Any advices are very appreciated.

Thank you!

[James81]

First of all, introversion and extroversion have very little to do with how well you are at socializing with people. The two terms are a measure of how you draw your energy FROM social interaction and not necessarily a measure of how well you are AT socializing.

There are plenty of introverts out there who can put extroverts to shame when it comes to the quality of social interaction. And there are plenty of extroverts out there who are masquerading as introverts simply because their social life sucks.

So, your first order of business is to separate the idea of introversion/extroversion from how well you interact with people socially.

As far as how to develop your socializing skill, your number one most important thing to realize is that most people enjoy being around someone who knows how to relate to them. That means talking their language, asking them questions that they have a vested interest in, and getting to know them.

Once you change your frame from "I need to be entertained by them" to "I want to get to know them better," you'll discover that most of your interactions will not only improve, but you'll enjoy them more. Why? Because the process of getting to know someone will most of the time involve them getting to know YOU too. Your enjoyment from the interaction won't come from getting to know them, but from how you show them yourself in the process of getting to know them.

[Brutha]

Don't focus on labels.

[bizzer]

First of all, introversion and extroversion have very little to do with how well you are at socializing with people. The two terms are a measure of how you draw your energy FROM social interaction and not necessarily a measure of how well you are AT socializing.

James, thanks for your answer. This is an interesting point, I did not think about it. I actually enjoy talking to people but probably because of lack of social skills I tend to avoid communitcation.

As for the second part of your answer, I'd say that I never go to the position of "I need to be entertained by them", I always try to let people tell more about themselves and usually find it interesting what they say. But whenever they ask me anything, it's like a sudden shock... I immediatly answer something short just to let them take the initiative back. I think people feel this and just try to ask me anything as little as they can, which sucks.

It's something like a fear of communication. I have no troubles about it with close friends or family, but it is always the case when I start to talk to someone new. I just become a different, nervous person...

What I'd really like is to overcome this, really hope that people over there can help me with ideas.

Thanks!

[Angela]

As with any inauthentic fear ("inauthentic" doesn't mean you don't really feel it, it means it doesn't signify actual threat of imminent danger of death or physical harm), I would examine the fear. Just boldly exposing the fear for what it actually is (a ghost of an old thought) is often enough to get you into an upward spiral. It's very much like how a little kid lays in bed, terrified of the monster in the chair, until mom comes in and turns on the light and they see that the "monster" is really his clothes from yesterday carelessly tossed.

So, what's the fear? What is the worst thing that might happen when you talk to someone new?

[chrisrushton]

based just on what you've said here, my impression is this:

you're naturally an extrovert but you've been brought up to be introverted. Taught that making lots of noise is bad, that people don't always want to listen to you etc. I think it may be your natural extrovert starting to come through. This happened to me about a year ago. Roll with it is my best advice.

[Shane]

How interested are you in other people?
The reason I ask is this: Just walking up to someone and saying 'hello' will only lead to an awkward silence, if there's nothing to follow, as you've indicated yourself.

A conversation happens most easily when something about the other person interests you. You have a question about them and they will respond because people like to talk about themselves. But, of course, you have to be genuinely interested.

What I'm trying to say is: It's got to do with your frame of mind. "I want to talk to them" doesn't work. "I want them to talk to me" doesn't work. "I wonder where that accent is from" works a lot better, for example.

[bizzer]

Thank you for your nice answer, Angela.

Comparision with a fear of a monster is really a nice one, because it's pretty much how I feel like. The harderst thing is however to see the clothes through the monster.

Conciously I understand that nothing too much serious will happen to me regardless to what I say to the people (in reasonable borders of course ). I'm probably too much dependent on what will they think about me, though I don't know why. As for the deep sources, can it be something to do with my exclassmates which were laughing at me regulary whenever I was saying something, when I was young?

I have no troubles about self-esteem, just very sensitive on how people react on my words.
If I tell something funny and they don't smile, it hurts. If I tell something serious and they respond jokingly, it also hurts. God, even if I tell something they cannot understand - it also hurts, because I always think I cannot explain it good enough. Hmm... I seem to need their feedback all the time.. if I'm telling a long story and noone is reacting at some way (for example nodding at least) I start feeling like I'm either saying something boring or they don't understand and I try to finish that story as soon as possible.

Anyway, having that stated I don't feel like it helps much and I don't know what to do. I know such problems are not solved instantly, but I'd like to get some direction I could go at and practice. I'd really like to overcome these blocks... but where do I start from?

Thanks for your help!
I find that there are very supportive people at this forum.

[bizzer]

Originally Posted by chrisrushton

based just on what you've said here, my impression is this:

you're naturally an extrovert but you've been brought up to be introverted. Taught that making lots of noise is bad, that people don't always want to listen to you etc. I think it may be your natural extrovert starting to come through. This happened to me about a year ago. Roll with it is my best advice.

Sounds interesting, though I don't really believe in that. I was rather quite since I was very young. I always liked to interact with small group of people, preferably one on one conversations. I prefer working alone. From what I read that describes me like an introvert.

Thanks for your opinion though.

[tboswell1216]

Originally Posted by bizzer

I have no troubles about self-esteem, just very sensitive on how people react on my words.
If I tell something funny and they don't smile, it hurts. If I tell something serious and they respond jokingly, it also hurts. God, even if I tell something they cannot understand - it also hurts, because I always think I cannot explain it good enough. Hmm... I seem to need their feedback all the time.. if I'm telling a long story and noone is reacting at some way (for example nodding at least) I start feeling like I'm either saying something boring or they don't understand and I try to finish that story as soon as possible.

It sounds like you first need to work on why you need everyones approval? If you are okay with yourself, then you will not feel that you need everyones approval.

You also need to be less sensitive. Sometimes people will joke when you are serious to lighten the mood, or maybe they are having a bad day so jokes just are not that funny to them at that moment. It does not mean that you were not funny when you told a joke, or that they are making fun of your serious situation, its just how they are feeling and reacting that day. It is nothing personal against you. You seem to take every action or lack of action personal, and as long as you do this, you will continue to feel awkward. Lighten up, stop putting so much pressure on yourself, have fun. Don't worry what others think and be confident in yourself. What you have to say is important!

[bizzer]

Originally Posted by Shane

How interested are you in other people?

Thank you very much for your answer, Shane! I seem to start loving that forum . This thread is my first post here which I started this morning and I received so much good and really valuable answers already!

I really like your idea. It really maybe like I'm not genuinely interested, but just trying to show that, to let people feel more comfortable.

Then my question is how do I find something that interests me in the persion? I often get to know new people when I'm in company with my friends and they invite their friends too for example. Most of such conversations are meaningless "bla-bla" which makes me bored so much. I'm not involed at this and actually don't want to. This often goes with gigs and meaningless conversations.

I'd like to talk about some deeper things like personal development, technology, human relationships, friendship, love, finances, business etc. But I just don't know how to start that.

Is it so that many people like to speak about meaningless things like what was the weather yesterday or how much they were drunk on the party last week or it's some way to protect themselves from some more serious conversations which can hurt them?

Thanks.

[FeelGood]

Originally Posted by bizzer

Hello,

The tests tell I'm an introvert and I also feel like this. They also say that introverts get energy from solo activities and loose energy when talking to people. Then I cannot understand why do I want to talk to people so much?

First of all, you are not an introvert. Introversion has nothing to do with who you are - it's simply who you are being, based on your reaction to events in the past. My warm suggestion to you is for you to read "The dark side of the light chasers" by Debbie Ford.

If you read it and actually do the excercises in it as described, introversion will no longer be a problem for you. That book and the process is simply incredible.

[bizzer]

Originally Posted by tboswell1216

It sounds like you first need to work on why you need everyones approval? If you are okay with yourself, then you will not feel that you need everyones approval.

Well as I said, I understand that. But something subconscious keep controlling my emotions. It would be cool if someone could tell me "stop worring of what other people think of you" and I instantly stopped, but the reality is unfortunalty is not like that.

So I'd really like to know more about how to practice things like that. How to fight my fears? How to become more confident about myself...

Thanks!

[lifetimelearner]

I understand your point about wanting 'deeper' conversations but unless you go to some gathering where the discussion is based on a particular subject -you are going to interact with people that don't want to be involved in these discussions of yours

some people with their first meeting hang back and only discuss 'light' issues but when they commit to furthering the friendship that's when they open up to these 'deeper' conversations

I am like you I want to go further then the weather of the day -but this is a start and it's good to have a balance

[bizzer]

Originally Posted by FeelGood

First of all, you are not an introvert. Introversion has nothing to do with who you are - it's simply who you are being, based on your reaction to events in the past. My warm suggestion to you is for you to read "The dark side of the light chasers" by Debbie Ford.

If you read it and actually do the excercises in it as described, introversion will no longer be a problem for you. That book and the process is simply incredible.

Thanks! I'll have a look at that book.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by bizzer

Well as I said, I understand that. But something subconscious keep controlling my emotions. It would be cool if someone could tell me "stop worring of what other people think of you" and I instantly stopped, but the reality is unfortunalty is not like that.

So I'd really like to know more about how to practice things like that. How to fight my fears? How to become more confident about myself...

Thanks!

you cannot fight your fears -
you have to acknowledge their presence and dig to the level of where they started
I agree with Angela when she said-(a ghost of an old thought)

our thoughts will control us if we let them -

I use to have a fear of driving long distances -my thoughts told me that I am leaving my comfort zone and going towards somewhere that I couldn't control my environment
these thoughts ruled me and I would have panic attacks

I was able to overcome this -not by fighting these thoughts but by replacing them with positive thoughts
examples are -
" I have a cell phone I can always call someone "
" there are helpful people everywhere not just in my hometown"
"there will be medical assistance if I need it -Georgia is not the only place with hospitals"
"I am a strong and capable woman"

anyway I hope this helps

[bizzer]

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

I understand your point about wanting 'deeper' conversations but unless you go to some gathering where the discussion is based on a particular subject -you are going to interact with people that don't want to be involved in these discussions of yours

That's sad. Is that always like that? It's often the times when I meet with people (on party for example) that I will never see again, just want to spend a good evening... and no talking about the weather

[Angela]

Originally Posted by bizzer

As for the deep sources, can it be something to do with my exclassmates which were laughing at me regulary whenever I was saying something, when I was young?

I tend to come from a 100% responsibility perspective, so I would say that the source of your discomfort is not what those people did, but what you made it mean about yourself. When something happens that is beyond our capability of effectively dealing with it with the inner resources that we've got (and our inner resources are pretty limited when we're little kids), we react by making a decision about ourselves so that we'll be able to survive it, in the moment and in the future if it ever happens again. That's how limiting decisions are born.

And the stress comes in when you grow up and develop more inner resource, but the old limiting decision remains lodged in your unconscious mind to *protect* you. Your "button" gets pushed anytime you feel someone coming close to seeing that your belief about you is true. If you get the learnings from the event that will protect you going forward, and shift your perspective, you can easily and effortlessly let go of the old, outdated decision, and the mechanism of your pushbutton is disconnected.

One way to get to the meaning you make is to simply ask your unconscious mind (not your reasonable, grown-up enlightened, figure-things-out mind) about the things you believe are The Truth. It's easier to do that if you look at the things you write and really listen to the words that come out of your mouth. For instance: "I seem to need their feedback all the time, and that means that I am _______."

It really takes something for a person to look boldly at the meanings they make and take responsibility for them, so I want to acknowledge you for taking that on. It is the pathway to being free, and to making new meanings that work much better.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by bizzer

That's sad. Is that always like that? It's often the times when I meet with people (on party for example) that I will never see again, just want to spend a good evening... and no talking about the weather

no I am just using my experiences as examples

[lifetimelearner]

I agree with Angela once again

[Angela]

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

I agree with Angela once again

Well, that's refreshing! I haven't heard that for awhile.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by angela

well, that's refreshing! I haven't heard that for awhile.

lol

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by bizzer

Hello,

The tests tell I'm an introvert and I also feel like this. They also say that introverts get energy from solo activities and loose energy when talking to people. Then I cannot undertand why do I want to talk to people so much?

Basically, I'd say I don't have too much success about having a nice conversations, but it's not like I don't want to.
From Steve's messages and the forum I've learnt that social skills is something to be developed.. but damn I just don't know how. I regulary see advices like go to people and say "hello". That sounds just stupid for me because I don't have trouble about doing it and I don't see the purpose.

So I really wonder how to proceed the conversation rather than to start it. How to discuss some serious topics rather than having giggs all the time?
I hate being quite most of the time and see that people don't really pay much attention to me.

The biggest confusion is that their attention is the thing I desire most of all, but when I get that attention - I feel anxious and tend to do anything to get rid of it

Does anyone experience something like that? How do you overcome it? Any advices are very appreciated.

Thank you!

I'm an introvert, I love socialising, but prefer to take people in small dosages.

So with the introversion part, remember that you like people as much as extraverts but prefer small dosages and some alone time to recharge.

Also, you desire to talk to people, so that's great! focus on this.. What do you like talking about? what are your interests?

[bizzer]

Angela, thank you for your help. I find you suggestions very valuable. I need to dig dipper inside myself and find out what makes me behave such a way.
I however don't really know how to hear my unconscious mind, I will maybe need to try some meditation or things like that.

[bizzer]

Originally Posted by brendannz

I'm an introvert, I love socialising, but prefer to take people in small dosages.

So with the introversion part, remember that you like people as much as extraverts but prefer small dosages and some alone time to recharge.

Also, you desire to talk to people, so that's great! focus on this.. What do you like talking about? what are your interests?

Yeah, I got my mistake about introversion. That's the good news.

One question that I still have open though is how to actully develop my social skills? I've heard many times that it's like a muscule that needs to be trained. But how do I train it? With simply talking? Well but I do it all the time and nothing seems to be improved.

Or is it something to do with taking about something through my fears? Like being more active during the conversation and expressing my own opinion.

Regarding things that are interesting to me, I'm not sure how to actually start conversations about it. What is it that makes the topic evolve? Very often when I ask something that interests me, I get short replies and the topic dies.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by bizzer

Or is it something to do with taking about something through my fears? Like being more active during the conversation and expressing my own opinion.

Regarding things that are interesting to me, I'm not sure how to actually start conversations about it. What is it that makes the topic evolve? Very often when I ask something that interests me, I get short replies and the topic dies.

Yeah, usually, when you're doing well at socialising, then you're not consciously analysing every detail of what you're saying, you're just being in the moment and enjoying the conversation.. That's why drunk people have no trouble socialising..

Although analysis can be good at some points, like for example if you interupt people, it can be good to be aware of this so you'll stop doing it... (not saying you do, just using it as an example)

For introverts, sometimes we want to talk about heavy topics, so it can be good to learn to small talk. Talk about light topics to begin with, what you've been up to for the day, what they've been up to, the weather etc. If you want to talk about serious topics, eg. Quantum Physics, it can be a good idea to ask the person if they're interested in Quantum Physics before you proceed a conversation with them.. and try and find people who look geeky

You might get anxious because you worry how you are being evaluated? realise that others are worried about how they're being evaluated as well..

Socialising's all a matter of practice, I think.. and some things you can do to get practice, is practice talking to everyone you get the chance to.. talk to people while you're waiting for the bus, also people who are serving you behind the counter, etc.

[brendannz]

Also, what do you do for fun?

Do you have any hobbies? play any sports?

Quote of the day for you;
"You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation." Plato

[bizzer]

Originally Posted by brendannz

Also, what do you do for fun?

Do you have any hobbies? play any sports?

Quote of the day for you;
"You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation." Plato

I cannot express how much encoraging I found this forum to be! Thank you for your help.

Actually I think that one of the troubles at socializing is that currently I actually not so often talk to (or even see) people (my wife is not counted). I'm a programmer, freelancer and I work from home. Sometimes is happends so that I don't go out for 4-5 days. Most of the time I just communicate with my friends when we meet for couple of hours on weekends. It seems like social skills are trained and get "untrained" as well if you don't use it much.

At college days I had lots of friends I regulary talked to and that was very easy and fun. I saw that people respect me and actully like talking with me. I had a strong passion about the programming and I saw that the people (even those who do not understand anything at computers) respected what I did.

Actually looking back I notice that I don't have so much trouble about communicating . That is more about fear of new people and maybe some limit of topics that I can discuss with those who I know. What I'd like to do now is to get more friends and contact them more often.

What you said about a small talk is actually sounds rather challenging. Because I actually don't like such converstations myself. When somebody asks me how I'm doing, I rush to answer "fine" and move forward to something more interesting. I don't care what was the weather yesterday, I was at home anyway . Very usually I find myself giving very short answers..
I think this can be something about thinking too much "goal-oriented". When I talk, I want the conversation to be informative. I want to share or get something new and interesting.

I have no idea how I can start conversation with someone at the bus station because I do not have anything to ask to a stranger. Doesn't it actully shock people? It would shock me for sure if some stranger came and asked "hello, how are you doing?", I'd become protective thinking that either he's someone I know or he's trying to ask money or sell me some stuff.

But basically I agree about training the skills, that sounds rational. I think I just need to go to some group of people for the beginning (like some language school or some cources etc). There will be people whom it's relatively safe to communicate with as we already here and sharing same interests and then I can move forward from that point.

As for the hobbies, it's mostly "introvertish" . I like playing chess, cards, reading, swimming/diving, bodybuilding. I'd like to play volleyball or other team games though I'm not very good at any.

[ar81]

Originally Posted by bizzer

Hello,

The tests tell I'm an introvert and I also feel like this. They also say that introverts get energy from solo activities and loose energy when talking to people. Then I cannot undertand why do I want to talk to people so much?

You ARE not introvert.
You just BEHAVE like introvert.
The problem of using "ARE" instead of "BEHAVE" is that a behavior is something you can change, but if it is part of your being you may hardly change it.

If you bark like a dog when you imitate a dog, you are not necessarily a dog.
If you act like introvert, it does not mean you are introvert.
Introvert character is not in the gene pool.

Originally Posted by bizzer

Basically, I'd say I don't have too much success about having a nice conversations, but it's not like I don't want to.
From Steve's messages and the forum I've learnt that social skills is something to be developed.. but damn I just don't know how. I regulary see advices like go to people and say "hello". That sounds just stupid for me because I don't have trouble about doing it and I don't see the purpose.

I used to be very shy when I was a kid.
I used to have fear of rejection, and I punished myself for stupid things, without need.

You are having a nice conversation here, and I bet that even if we were all in a room, we still would have a nice conversation. What makes a difference? How comfortable you feel. Try to feel more comfortable with other people, sometimes other people do not feel comfortable with you because they feel how uncomfortable you are. It is non verbal communication.

How to master non verbal communication. Try to communicate without words as possible for a few minutes and tell people that before you do. It is going to be fun. Tell people you are practicing for you may like to learn about acting and theatrics. Then get feedback from people.

Be warned that not all people will bring positive feedback. Some are just rude, others had a bad day. So ignore bad feelings from those few who would criticize.

Fear of rejection... Imagine you are a musician in a very crowded international concert and you made a mistake. You have 2 options:
-Stop playing and say how much a loser you are in front of the public.
-Continue and pretend it was on purpose until the show ends.
Which one is better? Do the same in real life. No matter how stupid you feel sometimes, do not show it to people.
After some years you will laugh at those situations that seemed a tragedy.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by bizzer

Actually I think that one of the troubles at socializing is that currently I actually not so often talk to (or even see) people (my wife is not counted). I'm a programmer, freelancer and I work from home. Sometimes is happends so that I don't go out for 4-5 days. Most of the time I just communicate with my friends when we meet for couple of hours on weekends. It seems like social skills are trained and get "untrained" as well if you don't use it much.


What you said about a small talk is actually sounds rather challenging. Because I actually don't like such converstations myself. When somebody asks me how I'm doing, I rush to answer "fine" and move forward to something more interesting. I don't care what was the weather yesterday, I was at home anyway . Very usually I find myself giving very short answers..
I think this can be something about thinking too much "goal-oriented". When I talk, I want the conversation to be informative. I want to share or get something new and interesting.

I have no idea how I can start conversation with someone at the bus station because I do not have anything to ask to a stranger. Doesn't it actully shock people? It would shock me for sure if some stranger came and asked "hello, how are you doing?", I'd become protective thinking that either he's someone I know or he's trying to ask money or sell me some stuff.

But basically I agree about training the skills, that sounds rational. I think I just need to go to some group of people for the beginning (like some language school or some cources etc). There will be people whom it's relatively safe to communicate with as we already here and sharing same interests and then I can move forward from that point.

As for the hobbies, it's mostly "introvertish" . I like playing chess, cards, reading, swimming/diving, bodybuilding. I'd like to play volleyball or other team games though I'm not very good at any.

I work from home as well, and I'm having the same challenges with meeting new people. I've got a handful of friends to hang out with, but then seem to like doing different things now. My mates who are getting married and having kids are just living a completely different life to me...

Informative conversations are great, but learning to small talk may be a good place to start.. Conversations with complete strangers, can be great at bars. If you start talking to someone on the street, they may think you're hitting on them..

If some complete stranger walked up to me and said "hi my name is.." I'd probably be a little bit awkward but not offended.. But if you're in a similar situation to someone, eg. at the gym or so, then talking about what you're doing is not at all odd, (since you're doing the same thing as each other)

You might be able to find a chess club, or a book club. Depending where you are, it can be easy to find places to play non-competitive team sports, where you really don't need to be any good to play along.. If you're in London, (I know it's a long-shot) I can suggest some places?