Socialising With People With Different Interests?

[brendannz]

OK,

I'm not sure if anybody watches the Simpsons, but there's that episode where the Comic Book Guy gets into an arranged marriage with that Indian woman, and the first thing he says is "so, do you like comic books?" (hilarious)

But anyway, what would your suggestions be, with what that guy should talk about, (since his interests clearly are different to 99% of people)

[Brutha]

Why would you want to be in a relationship with a woman who has completely different from yourself?

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Why would you want to be in a relationship with a woman who has completely different from yourself?

One reason might be to develop new interests.. But anyway, I'm not really looking for a relationship with someone with completely different interests, just thinking of ways to make more social progress..

but yeah, actually I metup with someone in the weekend (when I was in another city) who was into art in a big way (like me) so it was real easy to find things to talk about, and was pretty cool..

I was wondering, if it would be worth finding ways to make conversation / a relationship interesting if you're in situations with someone with quite different interests..

Or maybe alternatively; Should Comic Book Guy just find someone else who DOES like comic books?

[Michael Chui]

Relationships, friendship or otherwise, should follow the sharing of interests. Not the other way around.

When this doesn't happen (as in the case of an arranged marriage), then what begins as an amiably stable relationship is deepened by shared activity (like taking care of the household).

This kind of thing happens in pre-college classrooms a lot: people are forced together, so they're naturally forced to have some kind of relationship. A good school will plan things out so that the students work together and have different things to bring them together, thus providing fertile ground for friendships that can deepen as the years pass.

Thus, in a roundabout way, my answer to your question is this: he shouldn't talk at all. Not at first. He should probably ask her to help him build something.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

Relationships, friendship or otherwise, should follow the sharing of interests. Not the other way around.

When this doesn't happen (as in the case of an arranged marriage), then what begins as an amiably stable relationship is deepened by shared activity (like taking care of the household).

This kind of thing happens in pre-college classrooms a lot: people are forced together, so they're naturally forced to have some kind of relationship. A good school will plan things out so that the students work together and have different things to bring them together, thus providing fertile ground for friendships that can deepen as the years pass.

Thus, in a roundabout way, my answer to your question is this: he shouldn't talk at all. Not at first. He should probably ask her to help him build something.

Thanks for the great reply!

I have some indian friends who went back to India to get arranged into marriage and it seemed to work OK for them. They're quite happy with it, and they say how India has the lowest divorce rate in the world..

I guess the idea of the original post was, "do you need shared interests for relationships / friendships to work"

and I think that attitude is the most important factor within relationships, while shared interests are a great one for keeping the conversations going and fun..

I used the comic book guy as an analogy for needing common interests for fun, and to make the thread less about myself.. But anyway, I think in the case of the comic book guy, there's nothing too wrong with him being an adult into comic books, it's just that fact that he only cares about himself and his own interests, which makes him most un-charming..

[ar81]

You may have different interests, but there might be something in common: a life plan.
My wife likes things that I do not necessarily consider fascinating and viceversa. But she is great and we share a vision of life and a vision of our future.

[Holistic Star]

My h and I have fairly diverse interests. We do our best to listen to why the other is enthusiastic about something, even if we don't share the intensity of passion. Although I must confess my eyes do glaze over a bit when he starts talking in depth about instrument cable vs speaker cable!

We have a very similar sense of humour though, so tend to laugh at the same things, which I think is very important in keeping us together.

[AJ ARLC]

Originally Posted by brendannz

I have some indian friends who went back to India to get arranged into marriage and it seemed to work OK for them. They're quite happy with it, and they say how India has the lowest divorce rate in the world..

This doesn't necessarily mean that those marriages are happy, fulfilling marriages. Granted, arranged marriages generally tend to have the couple grow closer over time and finish that way, as opposed to starting off with passion, desire, and then fade and diminish out overtime. But there could be various reasons for not divorcing - social pressure (what their parents and relatives and friends made during marriage would say), fear that they won't ever be happy again, etc. -

That's not to say that those same factors could make them love their partner and want to stay, but still.

And as for similar interests - I can say I've met people with whom I've had VARIOUS things in common with (media preferences, opinions, humor styles, hobbies, personality traits, etc.), and that did NOT always lead to permanent or long-lasting friendships (in fact, many times, I found that a good deal of people who were into the same things I was, could be quite immature). You might meet someone who is the total opposite of you when it comes to interests, yet overtime, you find a middle ground. It's like... the perfect person for you isn't going to be perfect until they meet you.

[Cheshire Cat]

Having things in common helps build a good foundation to any new relationship, but succeeding with differences that may require mutual compromise and understanding are what I think leads to deeper growth and devotion. I don't feel many people would get along well long-term with either their extreme opposites or their exact clones.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by brendannz

I guess the idea of the original post was, "do you need shared interests for relationships / friendships to work"

and I think that attitude is the most important factor within relationships, while shared interests are a great one for keeping the conversations going and fun..

The term "shared interests" has gained a ridiculous amount of currency in the past century. It's really far less meaningful than you'd expect at face value: it's much more revealing to ask a person what she spends her day doing, or to casually spar over a point of some policy, political, religious, philosophical, whatever.

Here's a question: Can you take a genuine interest in something that just comes up in conversation? What do you need to do that? Some people are good at that, I've noticed, while others (like me) find it a challenge. Holistic Star and her husband sound like prime examples of people who have mastered the skill.

What entails a relationship? It's not a state of being; it's the hum of machinery in motion: a relationship is characterized by the actions and activities of its members and the effects of those activities on each other. An employee has a relationship with his employer because one works and the other pays him for it. A husband has a relationship with his wife because one loves the other, and vice versa.

You could match each other interest for interest, as AJ ARLC points out, and the relationship would go nowhere without activity. And sure, conversation counts. But conversation is more than swapping interests. Far more than that. Mutually fanboying can tell you a lot about the other person: "Batman is so cool! He's all dark and broody! Swoon!" "Yeah, Batman! Kapow! Hit him again!"

That's why I didn't use the word "interests" in my response after the first sentence.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

The term "shared interests" has gained a ridiculous amount of currency in the past century. It's really far less meaningful than you'd expect at face value: it's much more revealing to ask a person what she spends her day doing, or to casually spar over a point of some policy, political, religious, philosophical, whatever.

Shared interests is a good thing but, I think I place too much importance on 'shared interests' myself. Because, I get along really well with my flatmate, and I have practically nothing in common with him.. He's just not very westernised..

I suppose it's because most communication is non-verbal.. But shared interests can be good, as a way of having something to talk about and easier to keep conversation going...

I'm quite oblivious to a lot of mainstream things, (I don't really watch TV, and know nothing about radio music etc.) so that's why I brought it up..

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by AJ ARLC

This doesn't necessarily mean that those marriages are happy, fulfilling marriages. Granted, arranged marriages generally tend to have the couple grow closer over time and finish that way, as opposed to starting off with passion, desire, and then fade and diminish out overtime. But there could be various reasons for not divorcing - social pressure (what their parents and relatives and friends made during marriage would say), fear that they won't ever be happy again, etc. -

Their sense of values are much different to ours I think.. I've known quite a few indians, (I'm flatting with one now) and they put family as their #1 priority in life usually it seems.. So the arranged marriage thing makes sense, and from what I've heard it isn't so forced.