relationship with mother embarrassing, frustrating

[rei]

i am interested in suggestions for a healthier mother-daughter relationship. here is a wee bit of background... my mom has been too involved in my life, when she became a widow she leaned on me for her emotional needs. also i was the only planned child (feels like a TON of pressure on my end). i tried to get her to date and remarry but she wasn't open to it.

when i started college i became more independent, though i still lived in the same town and still spoke with her often. then i ended up moving back to live with her and kind of messed up that launching stuff. so when i was accepted to grad school in another state, i took advantage of an opportunity to have healthier boundaries. i told her it was not comfortable to me, for us to talk every day. i needed space. she agreed but told me later this was very hurtful and made her depressed (not my problem, i know! but mothers can be efficient at triggering guilt). part of the problem is she relied on me for meeting needs we normally meet with our peers, but i don't want to say this to her because i don't want to add insult to injury. (plus i brought it up recently, she used an excuse of how her current workplace is weird, in all the others the colleagues developed closer-than-casual friendships but it's not like that where she works now. the other day i began brainstorming ways she could meet new people and she snapped at me because she has already been trying to do this - though i think she could make a more dedicated effort.)

i ended up returning to my hometown for work on a master's in a different field. it made sense to live rent free, but i am embarrassed that i live with my mother (i'm 26). i spoke with one of my teachers recently (in a class for social work with families), and my teacher believes i see things accurately. boundaries are enmeshed, she is too involved in my life, she has trouble with launching me into independent adulthood. (my mom has a doctorate in psychology so i believe, at some level, she knows what she's doing.)

she may think this is love, but it feels like suffocation (and worse, i don't want to do this with any children i have of my own!). after the teacher confirmed my understanding i decided to create some space. now my mom thinks i'm mad at her, she doesn't know what she did, and she is picking fights with me so i can feel hurt since i have triggered hurt in her.

i'll probably be living here for another year or so. i know i have done some things to keep the pattern as it is, but i would like to have healthier boundaries. i asked recently, when i move out again, does she expect to talk every single day. she turned this into an issue of adult children and their parents... since she is 65, she thinks i should want to contact her regularly, to see if she needs anything. this feels very manipulative to me, could be worse of course, but still. when she brought up the age thing, i told her i didn't look at it that way because she is very active and seems at least ten years younger. really i feel like that is her excuse to push me into keeping these unhealthy boundaries.

what i would like is your suggestions for ways i can make some slow changes, hopefully too slow for her to notice and have a desire to guilt trip me. also if you went through something similar with your parents, it would help to know i'm not alone; if you will share something of your experiences i'd appreciate it. also, if there is some way you think i can talk about this with her openly, i'm interested... my thinking is it is probably going to be painful for her no matter what - if that seems wrong please say so. other ideas welcome as well, and thanks for reading!

[spirit4711]

You might practice a bit of bluntness.

Your mother is an intelligent adult woman. There's no need to hold her hand, to protect her, or let her cross your boundaries. Or give in to guilt trips.

Find a place to live somewhere else, and see her once a week. Like you for your life, she's responsible for hers.

[rei]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

You might practice a bit of bluntness.

Your mother is an intelligent adult woman. There's no need to hold her hand, to protect her, or let her cross your boundaries. Or give in to guilt trips.

Find a place to live somewhere else, and see her once a week. Like you for your life, she's responsible for hers.

you make a good point, thanks for the response spirit4711. i agree with what you're saying. it would take some logistical and financial planning for me to move, but i do agree it would help things and i plan on looking seriously at what it would take.

though she likes to try and make me feel obligated for things, i know that isn't how things should be. i know i am not responsible for her happiness even if that's how she sees it.

[spirit4711]

Oh, and forget the 'slow change'. Practice some confrontation too. A short sharp dose of pain will be easier than a long protracted process.

Off topic question: why don't you use capitals? No critique, just wondering.

[rei]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Oh, and forget the 'slow change'. Practice some confrontation too. A short sharp dose of pain will be easier than a long protracted process.

Off topic question: why don't you use capitals? No critique, just wondering.

hehe... yeah i just used some confrontation actually. well, i said this is what i need, to not spend quite so much time together, to be more like roommates for a while. i got that characteristically maternal, "fine." ha. (i used to be too honest and direct with people, so i cultivated diplomacy as i still share my views and state my needs. since i have become more diplomatic, this exchange is considered confrontation by my standards.)

about my typing style... in casual situations i don't use the shift key except for proper nouns, most of the time. i used to teach Freshman Composition so i know this is technically inaccurate, but... i don't care so much about that. maybe i'm part of that movement that has gotten lazy with written language (texting, IMing, etc.). it's a style i've used for the past few years, and frankly, it seems like too much effort to type with mechanical accuracy if it isn't a professional setting. (i know i probably sound very lazy saying that ) it also feels weird to be that formal in an informal environment.

this style not as much an intentional statement about written language, though i do prefer being addressed online as "rei", not "Rei" because i don't like the assumed importance associated with capitalizing a name. (this isn't a self-worth issue, it's more about not thinking of myself with a sense of inflated importance compared to other things that may or may not receive capitalization... part of this relates to my belief in panpsychism - Panpsychism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.) this statement about importance is basically limited to folks addressing me with a nominal term and isn't meant to apply to my entire way of communicating.

thank you for an opportunity to share a bit about my perspective on things. that is a fairly lengthy answer, but i hope you can appreciate my thoroughness! (i also enjoy learning people's motivations, and the more they tell me - to a point, of course - the more i enjoy it. perhaps my assumption of your mutual enjoyment is misguided...) i didn't take your question as a critique, but thanks for the clarification. since you only asked out of curiosity, i'm sure any answer would satisfy you, but i'm curious to know what you think of my answer ...provided, of course, i won't get banned for inviting another off-topic post. (truth be told, it was a nice break after the exchange with my mother, though of course i'm open to other members posting suggestions for this thread.)

[spirit4711]

Mmmm, yes it is off topic, so I'll reply to you later in a private message to save the mods some banning efforts . But thanks for the extensive reply!