Can women & men be "just friends" after their romantic relationship ends?

[tamzdance]

The above question has plagued me for at least 4 years. I had a great friendship (and later, a romance) with a wonderful guy who lives in my neighborhood. From the time we met, we hit it off superbly. We would spend hours talking, sharing our most private thoughts, laughing at each others' unique brand of humor, crying over sad stories, celebrating each others' triumphs over life's challenges, etc.---all the stuff great friendships are made of. Over the course of a few years, our friendship turned physical and a romance ensued. I cannot tell you how abolutely happy and healthy my life felt during this time. Bliss would be a good word to describe my experience. I had finally (at age 40) found my soul mate.

Well...about 10 months into our now-romantic relationship, he abruptly ended it. I was devasted and reeling---couldn't sleep, missed work, began overeating (ugh!). Three months after he called it quits, he announced to me that he was engaged to an old childhood friend. I suspect he was seeing this other gal all along. She lived in another state (which now explains the many trips he made back west to "vist his mother." And I thought he was such a good son. Oy vey!). I believe I was played--and he was just passing time with me (and getting a little nooky on the side) until she could move here to be with him. Note, she did move here...but they have since split and he's moved on to several other women since her and me.

But back to my thread question....this dude and I have tried to be "just friends" since our romance came to an end. That was four years ago. I cannot believe it's still so hard for me to be around him, listen to his latest romance news, dating experiences, etc. So I ask: Can men and women go back to being "just friends" after having a romantic relationship? I do not think it's easy at all--no matter how mature and poised one (or both) tries to be about it! Thoughts???

[James81]

No, you can't.

Not until you get over the grief, first, that is.

Meaning, when you break it off with someone, you need to cut contact with them for as long as it takes to get over them (a good timeframe would be 6 months to a year).

After that if you want to pursue a friendship, then try it and see how it works.

But I have to ask you...why on earth would you want to maintain a friendship with a guy who was obviously just using you?

[tamzdance]

Hi James81---thanks for such a fast response. Your question to me is a good one. I am working on that. I appreciate your thoughts.

[SomeRandomGuy]

I think it is possible, if the breakup happens with no hard feelings on either side. In your situation, though, I feel that the the way the relationship ended was damaging the friendship. The fact that you suspect he was cheating on him means either 1) you don't trust him, which isn't good for a friendship or 2) he was lying to you, which isn't good for a friendship. I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone I didn't trust or who lied to me and hurt me, regardless of whether we were involved romantically or not.

[MidasGirl]

I do not think it's easy at all either, unless, as James suggested, you've completely gotten over the person. I believe that distance, emotional distance is the best way to do this. I can be friends with my exes because I feel nothing for them now, in terms of romantic feelings (with the exception of one and I keep complete distance from him).

[ar81]

Originally Posted by James81

No, you can't.

Not until you get over the grief, first, that is.

Meaning, when you break it off with someone, you need to cut contact with them for as long as it takes to get over them (a good timeframe would be 6 months to a year).

After that if you want to pursue a friendship, then try it and see how it works.

But I have to ask you...why on earth would you want to maintain a friendship with a guy who was obviously just using you?

It does not match with my experience.
My best and more loyal friends have been exgirlfriends.
Probably it happens becuase I tried to create a friendship during the relationship, and I tried to make our relation to matter, to make a difference, to improve the life of her, instead of trying to merely "take advantage".

It was very strange for me when I married, because I could not just come to them to seek for advise, for obvious reasons.

I have had tough situations in the past, when I was single, and they were there like loyal friends. I even met my wife thanks to one exgirfriend who thought she was the one for me.

[James81]

Originally Posted by ar81

It does not match with my experience.
My best and more loyal friends have been exgirlfriends.
Probably it happens becuase I tried to create a friendship during the relationship, and I tried to make our relation to matter, to make a difference, to improve the life of her, instead of trying to merely "take advantage".

It was very strange for me when I married, because I could not just come to them to seek for advise, for obvious reasons.

I have had tough situations in the past, when I was single, and they were there like loyal friends. I even met my wife thanks to one exgirfriend who thought she was the one for me.

You are an exception, rather than the rule.

[cylon]

Things end messy. If people broke up to begin with, there were issues they had with each other, that probably come from being around each other all the time, and nature pulling them apart so they could spread them genes.

Maybe after time you could be on friendly terms again, but I would think both would have to be completely unattracted to each other, and have moved on and learned from the previous relationship.

As long as someone has feelings for the other.... no way.

[Cochonette]

It totally depends on the people and the break-up, imo. I'd like to think that I would be friends forever with anyone I was seriously romantically interested in, whether or not there was ever a romantic "relationship." Not necessarily to be best buddies forever, but at least to be able to keep in touch.

[ar81]

Originally Posted by James81

You are an exception, rather than the rule.

Well, prove it.

I have found that women are the most loyal friends, of course, if men do not behave like machoists.
I decided not to be a machoist since high school. I think I made a good decision.

Exceptions prove that the "rule" is useless.

[James81]

Originally Posted by ar81

Exceptions prove that the "rule" is useless.

No, exceptions tend to come along blaringly declaring that it's possible to do something and mislead a lot of the "rules" into thinking that they can be like the exception.

Meanwhile, the excpetion remains at home in the comfort of their own home and the "rule" is given false hope.

When a closer look at the actual situation at hand (that is, the first post of this thread) will clearly illustrate that the the person in question is not in the same dynamcic as the "exception."

In other words, the threadstarter is very clearly having trouble maintaining a friendship here and very clearly needs distance from this guy. So the only possible thing that can come from what you said in this thread is to give the threadstarter false hope.

[haggrayhn]

This question is case by case.( I am a male who has in a committed relation fyi).

1. Specific to your situation I say noway. You obv still have intense feelings for this guy and he can tell u anything if you let him in again you will get hurt and twice as worse as the last time.

To answer the question in general terms I would say the following.

1. Every relationship should hav ea purpose so that it is helping one or both individuals grow. So if one determines that a relationship is non beneficial for the purpose of learning they need to move on. If one can not move on this is the persons ego getting in the way. everyone has a free will and we always have to repect others to make choices that they want to make regardless if that fits into our plan or not. You cant force someone into th emold of what you want them to be or you cant sell yourslef to someone you can never force a relationship. You have to go with the flow but set your boundaries.
2. If a relationship with an ex is something that will not be detrimental to any of the persons invlolved and serves a purpose on some level for growth and respects the boundaries of both other partners than I say that this is a good thing.

best of luck
ray

[Figment12]

Case by case basis

But mostly it won't ever be just friends it will always be weird at times. I agree with taking significant time away from them before you try to be friends again wish you the best of luck