Social Courage Growth Exercises

[seeker5]

Well, I've decided to engage in a massive courage growth for the next 9 months. So, to do that, I intend to spend 2-3 hours a week on engaging in exercises to stretch my courage muscles. I got this idea from the principles that Steve talks about in his PDSP books.

Basically, courage is like a muscle, so to grow it, you pratice it a lot. Social courage is one of the most important one, and it deals with other people in any shape and form. You can grow it by tackling doing things to stretch it, that requires some courage. You start with what is just a small stretch and you keep on stretching over time. Each time, your courage grows and eventually you get comfortable with where you're at, so you do something else beyond where your new level is to keep on growing it. My goal is to do some really huge things by the end of the 9 month period..things that scares the hell out of me, but which should just be a small stretch by the time May comes around .

Anyone else interested? Maybe we could form a support/encouragement group . It'd be fun to share stories and ideas on exercises we could do to grow our courage, and to see each other's growth over the course of months! We would encourage and help keep each other accountable too.

[ttt]

I love this quote: “The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.” This is a great idea

[cacheborn]

Great idea, seeker 5.
One of the problems I had in the past was to make small talk. So I decided to greet new visitors in the general & introductions section with the condition that I would find at least one good thing about them to comment on. It got more and more interesting. Sometimes, I used to say, "hey, come on, give me something to go on" . I find that I have gotten better at making small talk!

I would love to hear about other experiences/stories.

[Aybee]

Seeker, this is something I want to work on also. I feel that my social shyness / awkwardness / insecurities are really holding me back. I'm finally ready for a change.

I'm the seargeant at arms for my toastmaster's club, and one of the responsibilities is to greet visitors to the meetings. In the past, this was something that would be completely impossible for me, but in just the few times I've done it, I've realized that it isn't that scary at all.

Right now I'm trying to think of things I can do that will push me, so this topic is right on time. I'll be checking in soon.

[ssandra]

I´m in, as soon as I get back from my holidays! (end september)

If this thread is still alive by then, you´ll hear from me I´d like to be more social confident (which is my new mantra, instead of less social awkward. I´m learning here!).

Seeing (hearing) about other peoples successes is for sure a good way to stay optimistic and motivated.

[seeker5]

@Cacheborn: That's an interesting exercise . It's great that you're willing to talk to new people on that forum, it's great when at least one person responds.

Originally Posted by Aybee

Seeker, this is something I want to work on also. I feel that my social shyness / awkwardness / insecurities are really holding me back. I'm finally ready for a change.

Awesome that you're ready for a change.

I'm the seargeant at arms for my toastmaster's club, and one of the responsibilities is to greet visitors to the meetings. In the past, this was something that would be completely impossible for me, but in just the few times I've done it, I've realized that it isn't that scary at all.

Cool . I've also served as sergeant-at-arms at Toastmasters, and as president for 4 terms. When I serve in an official role, it's like I transform myself and I am very outgoing, greeting new guests, talking with them, figuring out what they want, making them feel very welcome, etc. It's like since I'm doing it for the club, I take my personal stuff out of the way. But if I fall back into just being a member as I am in my new club, I'm not at all like that, I'm back to just doing my own things and not being outgoing at all.

Right now I'm trying to think of things I can do that will push me, so this topic is right on time. I'll be checking in soon.

Awesome. Maybe we could share lists? I've written a list of things I'd like to do. I'm not comfortable sharing them publicly yet, but maybe we can email them to each other?

Originally Posted by ttt

I love this quote: “The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.” This is a great idea

Nice quote . I want to be able to do things that would cause massive embarrassment in my old life but which I'd just shrug off in my new life .

Originally Posted by ssandra

If this thread is still alive by then, you´ll hear from me I´d like to be more social confident (which is my new mantra, instead of less social awkward. I´m learning here!).

Cool, would be cool to have you join us.

Seeing (hearing) about other peoples successes is for sure a good way to stay optimistic and motivated.

Yeah, same here.

Everyone: What about forming an email group where we can discuss our ideas and stories via emails? I'm actually not yet comfortable discussing my exercises and stories publicly yet, and perhaps by doing it privately, we can be more open about what we want to do, and in sharing our successes and stories? What do you think?

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by seeker5

When I serve in an official role, it's like I transform myself and I am very outgoing, greeting new guests, talking with them, figuring out what they want, making them feel very welcome, etc. It's like since I'm doing it for the club, I take my personal stuff out of the way. But if I fall back into just being a member as I am in my new club, I'm not at all like that, I'm back to just doing my own things and not being outgoing at all.

I've noticed similar things as well in my career. When I'm put in charge (or put myself in charge), I act like a leader and take up the leadership role. Otherwise, I just play my part in the game. I'm always happy and friendly, but it's in a different way when leading a group.

I've read some sociological studies about stuff like this. One of the best ways to promote leadership in employees is to give them a project to lead on.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

I've noticed similar things as well in my career. When I'm put in charge (or put myself in charge), I act like a leader and take up the leadership role. Otherwise, I just play my part in the game. I'm always happy and friendly, but it's in a different way when leading a group.

Maybe I can use that then, when I go out there, I can act as the vp of membership of the human race in charge of making other people feel welcome into the human race?

[Daffy Duck]

Only the vice president? So limiting...

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Only the vice president? So limiting...

Hehe, well considering there are 6 Billion people, I didn't want to head to the top yet

[Thomas]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Everyone: What about forming an email group where we can discuss our ideas and stories via emails? I'm actually not yet comfortable discussing my exercises and stories publicly yet, and perhaps by doing it privately, we can be more open about what we want to do, and in sharing our successes and stories? What do you think?

Afaik the forums allow for private subforums? I don't think that the conversation groups (via the profile) are very accessible, but I'd be all for using a opt-in private forum (however, that only solves indexing by search engines rather than being 'private').

[Aybee]

Originally Posted by seeker5

When I serve in an official role, it's like I transform myself and I am very outgoing, greeting new guests, talking with them, figuring out what they want, making them feel very welcome, etc. It's like since I'm doing it for the club, I take my personal stuff out of the way. But if I fall back into just being a member as I am in my new club, I'm not at all like that, I'm back to just doing my own things and not being outgoing at all.

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

I've noticed similar things as well in my career. When I'm put in charge (or put myself in charge), I act like a leader and take up the leadership role. Otherwise, I just play my part in the game. I'm always happy and friendly, but it's in a different way when leading a group.

Oh my god, yes. For me, it's like if someone questions me, I can say "I HAVE to do this. It's my JOB." But if I don't have an official role, I somehow think people will wonder why I'm doing this or that.

Originally Posted by cacheborn

One of the problems I had in the past was to make small talk. So I decided to greet new visitors in the general & introductions section with the condition that I would find at least one good thing about them to comment on. It got more and more interesting. Sometimes, I used to say, "hey, come on, give me something to go on" . I find that I have gotten better at making small talk!

This is cool, and a good idea to improve on small talk in a non-threatening way.

Originally Posted by Thomas

Afaik the forums allow for private subforums? I don't think that the conversation groups (via the profile) are very accessible, but I'd be all for using a opt-in private forum (however, that only solves indexing by search engines rather than being 'private').

I was trying to figure this out too. I saw the social groups on this site, I couldn't tell if it could be private.

[Aybee]

I decided to post a list of things that I want to work up to, from easiest to hardest. I don't know any of you guys, so I don't mind posting publicly. Anyone can also pm or email me through the forum if you'd like also. I'm sure that as I go throughout the week, I will think of other things, but this is a start.

My overall goals are: 1) Say what I feel / think instead of holding things in; 2) be a more social, friendly person, instead of staying back.

Level 1

Smile / say hello to neighbors
Smile / say hello to people I pass that I don't know at work
Small talk with team leads at work every morning
Small talk with manager at work
Initiate sex with husband

Level 2

Volunteer for toastmasters table topics every week (I currently avoid like the plague)
Say at least one thing in every work meeting
Throw party or outing with my group of friends (I have never done this in the 6 years I've known them)
Set up regular play dates for my daughter (If she's not at daycare, she not socializing with other kids )
Comfort husband when he is upset

Level 3

Discuss with husband when something bothers me about our relationship
Regularly discuss with manager my goals for myself at work (especially promotion)
Throw party for my daughter (VERY scary to me)

[shasah]

I'm in. I have actually been doing something similar for the last 8 months but never looked at it in quite this perspective before. Every month, I force myself to do something that is outside my comfort zone. It has helped me to grow quite a bit but I still have farther to go. Would love to participate in this so that I can continue growing. Maybe I need to move up to every week??

[Aybee]

Hi shasah! What have you been working on, if you don't mind me asking?

Any one else want to share as well?

[cylon]

seeker--up until a few months ago, I knew two people socially... but we rarely did anything other than stay inside and watch tv. There was a sports bar on my street that I had been to before, and really enjoyed, and I was DYING to go there alone an watch the game with other people who wanted to be out enjoying themselves---and I was just too scared to do it. WAY too self-conscious to walk into a social establishment, by myself, and just "hang out" and hope that by doing that I would meet people.

But, I did. I made myself go out.... and started to like it. I got over the idea that I was by myself and soon I was having conversations and now I'm meeting women there and know a lot of the regulars already and have had so many fun conversations and experiences at this place, and have met a lot of interesting people, and have had a few interesting romantic experiences to boot. I am starting to associate strangers with potential fun experiences, when normally they would be potentially scary experiences.

One other thing that helped me was something Steve told me a while back, and that was that in order to open the space to meet successful, positive people, I had to let go of the not so positive people, which was a friend I had had for years and years and years.... but he started making insults about me going out alone and doing this stuff, and finally, I accepted what Steve said, I "cut the cord" so to speak and have not seen this person for going on two months now. Talk on the phone on occasion. Now I realize I don't need that "crutch", I thought without his friendship I would just be alone. But that is not what has been happening.... I can go out now, alone, even on busy weekend evenings, and enjoy myself, and I know I will meet someone and have a good time. But I sure didn't feel that way several months ago, that's for sure.

So I know exactly what you're going through, and I know how intimidating it can seem at first. And it will stay intimidating for awhile.... but we are all social creatures, we are all designed to benefit from being around others and we all have the capability of being a wonderful person to be around as well.

Good luck with your "courage training".

[Daffy Duck]

This is a great topic! Cylon, I'm glad to hear of your newfound success!

[shasah]

Originally Posted by Aybee

Hi shasah! What have you been working on, if you don't mind me asking?

Any one else want to share as well?

There a few I'll share

Went to a Superbowl party by myself and met some people.
Went to play pool by myself.
Invited a new found friend to a concert and went together.
Volunteered at a fundraiser.
Went to an art show (which I now have a huge interest in)
Asked someone on FB to be a friend that I never would have dared before.
(surprised when he accepted)

Next up is to join a hiking or running club.
Also, going on a trip to visit a friend out of state and going on a cruise in December. The one I most want to do is find someone to go and fly a kite with, literally. Don't know why this one appeals so much but....

They seem like small things, but I had to argue myself into most of them.
Would love to hear more suggestions and that's why I answered this thread.

[ABdude]

Great thread topic, I thought I would share some of my stories.

I have previously mentioned that in April, I went to Cuba with a couple who were friends of mine at the time. However, when we got there I became quite shy and introverted and started having anxiety attacks, and had to leave the island early, ending my friendships in the process. The funny thing was that once I realized I had no social life, I started to take responsibility for my situation and looked for ways to improve my social life.

The solution turned out to be the outdoor club. My first outing was a bust because I came completely unprepared for the activity, but I managed to regroup and started doing different activities and in the process started making more strides in my social confidence. Because of it, I was able to achieve the following:

• developed the ability to introduce myself and strike up a conversation with a total stranger
• went to a party where I only knew one person (and even then not so well). Not only did I fit in, I was for all intents and purposes the 'life of the party'
• went on a three day weekend with people I barely knew
• Last week, I asked a girl out to see a play

Right now, I am at a point where it is nothing to me to meet new people, at least in a social setting I am comfortable in. I still have problems in bars, but that has to do more with the loud music being such a huge distraction, than me being shy.

[straysweeper]

I'm in, I just posted on the disconnection with people. I also like this Leadership Idea. I think it shifts your perspective, as well as immediate confidence boost to me. I have noticed within myself, that I love and care about people, but often don't want to mess with them. I think this comes from caring a lot about what people think, and letting it get to me. This is something I need to really curb if I want to achieve anything worthwhile. This also goes to accepting myself, and loving myself, not just the best of me, but the quirks and imperfections as well.

[Lazygirl]

seeker5 that's quite a good idea. I'd like to join you all on expanding my social courage. I was doing this actually, just didn't quite think of it this way. My issue is when i start to get comfortable with something i'll remain in that state for a long time not knowing what to do next. Any advice?

I'll go sort out my list now, post it later.

[seeker5]

Welcome to Lazygirl, strawsweeper, and shasah to the social courage growth club . Your club membership pins are in the mail, along with the club dues .

It's awesome reading the stories of people like ABdude, cylon, and shasah! Thanks for sharing.

Aybee, that's an interesting list of things you want to do. My list is completely different than yours, but that's ok. We are at different places in our lives, however, we'll both be working on growing that same social courage muscle. .

For my social courage growth, I'm going to be an official people greeter for a little while. You know, how Wal-Mart has people that greets people? Well, I'll take that on as an official human greeter. My job will be to greet as many people as possible. 

That's actually something similar to what I did a few years ago. I was tired of being scared of even minor rejection, so my goal was to get rejected 10 times a day. If I said hi to someone and they didn't respond, that was 1 rejection I could check mark. If I asked someone if I could do something for them, and they didn't want me to, that was another rejection to add. It seems crazy looking back I wouldn't offer things to people, even to my closest friend because I didn't want to get rejected...! Anyway, I did that for a while, aimed to get 10 little rejections a day. It was awesome, anytime I'd get a little rejection, I'd cheer inside myself because I'd get to add another checkmark on my list of 10/day . After doing this for a while, it didn't bother me anymore these little rejections and it helped me improve my acceptance of rejection that before I couldn't accept.

However, I never went beyond it and took it to the next level. So now I will, but I'll start first by doing something on a basic level to get my social courage muscles warned up again. I'll start and be an official human people greeter for a while and aim to greet 10 people a day that I've never greeted before. The more people don't reply and ignore my "hi", the better! I'll count those too and cheer each time I get no response, or a grunt/non-happy response. I'm not in the habit of greeting people I don't know, so this will be a good way to start. .

I know it's more important to do constant social growth exercises rather than one big one and think that big one will carry you over. For example, when I was in High School, I was asked to give a 4-5 minute speech to 1000 people at my graduation ceremony. That scared the hell out of me, made me sick just to think about it as I was just about the shyest person at my school who was terrified to speak in front of anyone. I eventually accepted, and practiced a good bit for a few months. I delivered that speech, and it went well and had a great time. So, the next semester, when I went to college and had a speech assignment, I thought: "Well, I went and gave a speech to 1000 people, so given a minor speech to 20 people should be absolutely no problem". How wrong I was. The day of my speech, I was all shaken up, and had the worst problem just standing there and trying to speak. I'm not sure if I was even able to give the whole speech. I know it was the worst one of my entire class by far. It wasn't until I did toastmasters for a few years where I practiced every week before I could become much more comfortable given speeches to groups of people. Therefore, given speeches to 5-15 people in toastmasters many many times helped my ability and comfort in giving speeches much more than giving a speech once to 1000 people. So, I'll use that same principle with the social courage growth process - going for repeatedly constant courage growth rather than aim for one big one act.

Originally Posted by Thomas

Afaik the forums allow for private subforums? I don't think that the conversation groups (via the profile) are very accessible, but I'd be all for using a opt-in private forum (however, that only solves indexing by search engines rather than being 'private').

Nope, we don't do that here unfortunately. It'd require too much overhead to the admins.

[audi]

Please send a membership pin my way, minus the dues . I'm new to this forum so I might as well jump right in and get things started.

Seeker I assume you are going to be our courageous leader, so where do we get started and what exercises do you have planned?

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by audi

Please send a membership pin my way, minus the dues .

Awesome, welcome to the group Audi! Since you asked nicely, I'll just send the membership pin minus the dues.

Seeker I assume you are going to be our courageous leader, so where do we get started and what exercises do you have planned?

Well, that depends on your level and what you want to do. How would you love to grow your social courage muscles? What is your ultimate goal in this area? Therefore, what is the next thing that scares you a little bit, that stretches you a little bit, and that takes you in the direction you want to go in terms of growing your social courage and that you could actually do if you really set your mind to? What is the path with the heart?

[Thomas]

For my social courage growth exercise I'll ask you (whoever reads this post) to send me a private message with your thoughts about the quality of my contribution (or participation) posting on this forum.

[Lazygirl]

Hi everybody!
When i first posted yesterday i had no idea of what i would do to build my courage, so i woke up this morning looking for situations i feel mostly uncomfortable in. Worked out this list of goals:
1. Greet
2. Smile
3. Meet new people
4. Start a conversation
5. Keep conversations going
6. Be more open to people
7. Discuss personal matters
8. Be comfortable around people i've never met

As my day went along i tried to step out of my comfort zone. It was awkward and scary, but i survived! When i got to school i greeted most of the people i know, asked questions in class(how scary), went to sit with a different group of people i know on lunch break. Doing all that was scary and i noticed my mind making different excuses for why i shouldn't do those things but i feel good right now. My days aren't exciting but today was.
I also noticed how i'm mostly comfortable with people i already know, it's quite scary to smile/greet people i don't know and i couldn't get myself to do it.

Those 8 items are my goals, now i'll work out what i need to do to achieve them. Sorry so long... Aybee, nice goals you have, by the way. Seeker5 i think i might use ur accepting rejection method, it's pretty genius.

[seeker5]

Lazygirl, That's awesome! It's exciting when we step out of our comfort zone and do something that causes us to grow isn't it?

Great list, my list has similar things as yours does.

Originally Posted by Lazygirl

Seeker5 i think i might use ur accepting rejection method, it's pretty genius.

Cool, have fun with it!

[shasah]

Originally Posted by Lazygirl

Seeker5 i think i might use ur accepting rejection method, it's pretty genius.

I was trying to figure out where this came from, so I would also like to thank Seeker5. I tried the accepting rejection method of yours today and it didn't hurt at all. I thought of what you said and smiled each time it happened. I was much less self conscious after about the 3rd time. Still have some work to do, but wanted to say thanks.

[moriez]

Oooh, some inspirational stories here. Its exactly this social fear that is the major crux for me. Things are already turning by moving away from spending no-quality-computer time to meeting up with people to do whatever. I havent really set goals yet so that might be the next step. For now, good luck to all!

[cacheborn]

Originally Posted by seeker5

That's actually something similar to what I did a few years ago. I was tired of being scared of even minor rejection, so my goal was to get rejected 10 times a day. If I said hi to someone and they didn't respond, that was 1 rejection I could check mark. If I asked someone if I could do something for them, and they didn't want me to, that was another rejection to add. It seems crazy looking back I wouldn't offer things to people, even to my closest friend because I didn't want to get rejected...! Anyway, I did that for a while, aimed to get 10 little rejections a day. It was awesome, anytime I'd get a little rejection, I'd cheer inside myself because I'd get to add another checkmark on my list of 10/day*. After doing this for a while, it didn't bother me anymore these little rejections and it helped me improve my acceptance of rejection that before I couldn't accept.

That's awesome. I like it.
Will try it myself.