Social Courage Growth Exercises

[Angela]

I don't know if this will be helpful, but it was for me, back when I was transitioning from being the shyest person in the world into.... what I am now. Maybe it will be helpful to keep in mind as you develop social courage, too.

Everybody* is afraid of you, too.

People want to feel connected with you, and they are concerned about rejection and embarrassment and saying something dumb -- they don't want to hurt their own chances of feeling connected and safe anymore than you do. You may at times feel a bit powerless over your anxiety, but it's pretty easy to see the power you have with others. You have the power to help others feel safe, welcome, and connected.

You might want to try surrendering the anxiety and generating compassion for all those other people out there who also want what you want. If they were feeling how you're feeling, what do you think would make a difference in comforting and connecting? What kind of person would you be being if everywhere you went, you were helping others feel connected to each other and to you? You are bestowing great gifts on people when you contribute to the feeling of interconnectedness -- you are a generous generator.

Be courageous for others -- do it for them, rather than for yourself, and see if that makes a positive difference. See how it feels to generously shine the brilliant light that is Who You Are for the world to bask in, and allow yourself to bask in the brilliant light of others.

This one shift in perspective made a huge difference for me in how I walk in the world. I can hardly remember now shyness feels like.

You're really doing something tremendous for the world by Being Connection and Love. Congratulations, and thank you for that!

Lots of love,
Angela


*That's an exaggeration; there are some exceptions, of course, but in general, most people have some degree of social anxiety, so I'm using sweeping generalizations here. Please just try it on as if it's universally true, to see if it helps you get the results you want.

[Aybee]

Thanks everyone for the stories and successes, and lists of things you want to work on. It's helpful.

I want to work on a lot of things, but for me and where I am right now, being more comfortable and free with people I am regularly in contact with will make a big difference (spouse, friends, manager, coworkers, etc).

Originally Posted by Angela

Everybody* is afraid of you, too.

People want to feel connected with you, and they are concerned about rejection and embarrassment and saying something dumb -- they don't want to hurt their own chances of feeling connected and safe anymore than you do. You may at times feel a bit powerless over your anxiety, but it's pretty easy to see the power you have with others. You have the power to help others feel safe, welcome, and connected.

Originally Posted by Angela

*That's an exaggeration; there are some exceptions, of course, but in general, most people have some degree of social anxiety, so I'm using sweeping generalizations here. Please just try it on as if it's universally true, to see if it helps you get the results you want.

Thanks for this, Angela (that's my name too!). You know, I think this will work for me. When I get with someone that is visibly shyer than I am, I feel more confident, and really try to help them out. If I don't see that in someone, I shrink into myself and think about myself and my insecurities. Your post is a good reminder to look outward, and try to connect with others, without it being all about me.

[moriez]

Warm and wise words Angela. I feel the love. Have felt the love in your words before but now I want to let you know it makes me feel so full. Cant describe it any better at the moment. Its great!

Love and a biiig hug for you

(sorry for offtopic)

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by shasah

I was trying to figure out where this came from, so I would also like to thank Seeker5. I tried the accepting rejection method of yours today and it didn't hurt at all. I thought of what you said and smiled each time it happened. I was much less self conscious after about the 3rd time. Still have some work to do, but wanted to say thanks.

That's awesome . The key is to keep doing this for a while so you really get used to rejection being no big deal and even something fun to get.

Originally Posted by moriez

Oooh, some inspirational stories here. Its exactly this social fear that is the major crux for me. Things are already turning by moving away from spending no-quality-computer time to meeting up with people to do whatever. I havent really set goals yet so that might be the next step. For now, good luck to all!

Cool, if you'd like to share your goals when you've set them, feel free to do so. You can pm me too if you prefer not to share them publicly but you'd like to share them with someone who can offer feedback and encouragement. This actually goes for anyone .

Originally Posted by cacheborn

That's awesome. I like it.
Will try it myself.

Awesome .

Originally Posted by Angela

People want to feel connected with you, and they are concerned about rejection and embarrassment and saying something dumb -- they don't want to hurt their own chances of feeling connected and safe anymore than you do.

That's a terrific post Angela. Thanks for sharing. They are great points and I'll keep them in mind. I do find it easier too when I place myself in the position of trying to comfort someone else (such as in Toastmasters example at the beginning of the thread) rather then when i'm concerned about myself.

[Lazygirl]

Hey everybody, how are things going?
For me, they're going so so. The first day was great, i tried a few things which had wonderful results, but when i started getting rejected it all went downhill.
I noticed that i take rejection personally, so since than i've been trying to figure myself out.

I'll to use seeker5's way to dealing with rejection and to make sure i really do it i'll reward myself if i get rejected sometimes a day. I guess i'll have to start with 5

BTW, Angela that's quite a perspective, i'll keep that in mind.

[Coffeesmurf]

Count me in - what a great idea!

The overall social values I would like to live by - and set goals in line with - are:

* Be a socially confident person when meeting new people
* Voice my honest opinions, regardless of the conflict this may bring
* Take initiative in escalating relationships (e.g. from acquaintance to friend) and be fairly resilient to resulting rejection
* Only help people when it's from the heart - not just to be liked or avoid rejection

Most of which are connected in some way. Fear of rejection, especially romantically, is probably what I need to work the most on.

I started facing my fears socially about six months ago, when my (first) girlfriend dumped me after an intense relationship. She went from being wildly in love with me one day - to not feeling anything for me the next, literally. This prompted an intense emotional response in me of feeling personally rejected. Today, I'm grateful for the lessons this has taught me.. that I need to lessen my fear of rejection, learn to be happy by myself and stop being such a "Nice Guy".

In the past six months - after the initial down period after the relationship - I've kept a "Fear To-Do List" with social goals I wanted to complete, which scared me. Some of the goals I've successfully completed so far are:

* Gone on dates with three different girls (three first dates and four dates totally with the last girl - no luck, though)
* Participated in a large singles dinnerparty without knowing anyone
* Participated in a private party without knowing anyone
* Participated in lots of training sessions with a group of mountainbikers - with lots of social interaction
* Asked a girl from the MTB-group over for dinner (this Friday)
* Tried out ocean kayaking without knowing anyone in the club
* Took a trial class in martial arts and participated in a lot of yoga classes
* Talked to super cute girl in spin-class a couple of times (working up to asking for a date)
* Written fourteen girls on an online dating site (with mixed results )

Some of these might sound very trivial, but since I have a good deal of social anxiety, they're not. A lot of my future goals will be centered around dealing with the opposite sex, since this is the area in my life I'm having most trouble with. I usually end up being their friend, mostly due to the being too nice thing.

Apart from the social exposure exercises, I'm seeing a cognitive therapist as well to help speed things up and using mindfulness practice and meditation to lessen the impact of negative thoughts like "I must seem boring" or "She probably doesn't like me" and negative feelings of rejection. I'm beginning to see those thoughts that used to hold me back, as just thoughts and not facts. The approach is based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and is pretty different from normal cognitive behavioural therapy because it stresses lessening the impact of negative thoughts instead of trying to fight them, remove them or change them into positive ones - since this in itself can create disorders, according to the ACT-people.

I'll compile a list of future goals and keep you up to date - and the best of luck to all of you!

[Cochonette]

I used to be extremely shy. In some situations, I may still be. In class, I get ridiculously nervous just to say one sentence, and I usually end up not saying it. My heart will pound really hard to the point I think the people around me can hear it, only for me to say nothing because someone else said it or I just was too scared. There are also enough settings I feel comfortable in talking to people now that I am not terribly concerned about mingling with those I don't immediately connect with. I did have a blast on Sunday tabling for Aikido... one of the other people tabling is very outgoing and knows marketing skills, so I saw him as a role-model, followed his lead, and felt great and much less socially inhibited than usual. I felt pretty comfortable loudly saying "hey" to everyone who walked by who I thought might be interested... That was so invigorating that when I walked back to my dorm, I greeted the guard without thinking twice (I always think twice about it unless I'm already familiar with that guard), and then I went to buy some food and felt totally connected with the cashier for those few seconds.... I know that sounds completely trivial, but it was pretty awesome to me.

Anyway... the social courage I really need to work on is on a more intimate level. How do I deal with people who I constantly disagree with? How do I deal with this person I have felt more intimate with than anyone who I subsequently became afraid of because she stopped communicating with me? I find that talking to a lot of people online and overcoming my fears of people I used to avoid even encountering is helpful... I wonder what else I could do.

[Coffeesmurf]

Way to go, Cochonette - great to hear you're making progress!

Originally Posted by Cochonette

How do I deal with this person I have felt more intimate with than anyone who I subsequently became afraid of because she stopped communicating with me?

I think the most direct way is for you to ask her why she hasn't stayed in touch, although that might be very hard for you to do.

[Coffeesmurf]

I've compiled my list and rated the goals/exercises with a rating from 1 to 10, with 10 being the hardest and most fear provoking for me to do.

* Make small talk with the receptionist at my gym (4)
* Have the group I mountainbike with over for beers (4)
* Start a conversation with a stranger at the gym (6)
* Make small talk with a sales clerk at a shop (6)
* Have dinner with a fellow cancer survivor and his wife who's visiting from the US (7)
* Have a girl I mountainbike with over for dinner (7)
* Participate in a drop-in salsa class and the following discotech (7)
* Go on a first date with a girl I'm writing with on a dating site (8)
* Host a private party for people from a singles Facebook-group (8)
* Ask a girl who's a spinning instructor and her husband if I can come by for coffee one day (9)
* Ask super cute spin-class girl out on a date (10)
* Have a conversation with an attractive girl while out on the town (10)
* Compliment a girl while on a date (10)
* Touch a girl - innocently - while on a date (10)
* Kiss a girl while on a date (11 )

As the list shows escalating relationships, both platonically and romantically, are some of the hardest goals for me. Physical intimacy with someone when it's not "preapproved" is also nearly impossible for me - had no problems while with my girlfriend since I knew for certain it was OK for me to touch her.

Some of the goals are already underway. I'm having dinner with the fellow cancer survivor and his wife tonight and the girl from my mountainbike-group is coming by for tapas and red wine on Friday.

Anyways, off we go - any and all comments are welcome!

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Coffeesmurf

I've compiled my list and rated the goals/exercises with a rating from 1 to 10, with 10 being the hardest and most fear provoking for me to do.

* Make small talk with the receptionist at my gym (4)
* Have the group I mountainbike with over for beers (4)
* Start a conversation with a stranger at the gym (6)
* Make small talk with a sales clerk at a shop (6)
* Have dinner with a fellow cancer survivor and his wife who's visiting from the US (7)
* Have a girl I mountainbike with over for dinner (7)
* Participate in a drop-in salsa class and the following discotech (7)
* Go on a first date with a girl I'm writing with on a dating site (8)
* Host a private party for people from a singles Facebook-group (8)
* Ask a girl who's a spinning instructor and her husband if I can come by for coffee one day (9)
* Ask super cute spin-class girl out on a date (10)
* Have a conversation with an attractive girl while out on the town (10)
* Compliment a girl while on a date (10)
* Touch a girl - innocently - while on a date (10)
* Kiss a girl while on a date (11 )

As the list shows escalating relationships, both platonically and romantically, are some of the hardest goals for me. Physical intimacy with someone when it's not "preapproved" is also nearly impossible for me - had no problems while with my girlfriend since I knew for certain it was OK for me to touch her.

Some of the goals are already underway. I'm having dinner with the fellow cancer survivor and his wife tonight and the girl from my mountainbike-group is coming by for tapas and red wine on Friday.

Anyways, off we go - any and all comments are welcome!

Good work mate, congrats on marking your achievements..

The funny thing about these, is that you're not usually conscious when you do these things.. you just do them when you're not thinking, I think..

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Angela

I don't know if this will be helpful, but it was for me, back when I was transitioning from being the shyest person in the world into.... what I am now. Maybe it will be helpful to keep in mind as you develop social courage, too.

Everybody* is afraid of you, too.

People want to feel connected with you, and they are concerned about rejection and embarrassment and saying something dumb -- they don't want to hurt their own chances of feeling connected and safe anymore than you do. You may at times feel a bit powerless over your anxiety, but it's pretty easy to see the power you have with others. You have the power to help others feel safe, welcome, and connected.

You might want to try surrendering the anxiety and generating compassion for all those other people out there who also want what you want. If they were feeling how you're feeling, what do you think would make a difference in comforting and connecting? What kind of person would you be being if everywhere you went, you were helping others feel connected to each other and to you? You are bestowing great gifts on people when you contribute to the feeling of interconnectedness -- you are a generous generator.

Hey Angela, I've learnt this lesson recently, about overcoming anxiety, by being more a giver than worrying too much about yourself..

Are there any ways you can suggest of generating compassion?

I guess smiling at and taking an interest in others are ways?

[Coffeesmurf]

Originally Posted by brendannz

Good work mate, congrats on marking your achievements..

The funny thing about these, is that you're not usually conscious when you do these things.. you just do them when you're not thinking, I think..

Thanks!

For me, most of the goals require a conscious effort, since it's mostly about breaking a pattern of social avoidance. I'm often just leave the gym without talking to the receptionist, for instance - because that's what I usually would do. I would make up some excuse as to why he/she wouldn't want to chat with me - he/she is busy, I don't have anything interesting to say etc.

But I agree that it's much easier to talk and interact with people when you're not overthinking things and just stay in the moment and relaxed.

Here's a great article about generating compassion.. practice number 6 is probably the hardest, but most giving.

[Coffeesmurf]

* Have dinner with a fellow cancer survivor and his wife who's visiting from the US (7)

Done. Had a very nice evening - it turned out not to be that anxiety provoking after all.. maybe because they practically talked my ear off, so it never got to a point where the conversation went dead. Next goal is having the girl from my MTB-group over for dinner at my house Friday - and I'm planning on asking the girl I'm writing with online later this week if she would like to go out on a date on Monday.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by brendannz

Are there any ways you can suggest of generating compassion?

Have you ever felt compassionate? Can you remember a specific time when you felt really, fully compassionate?

[Figment12]

Originally Posted by ttt

I love this quote: “The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.” This is a great idea

I really, really like this quote too myself.

I used to feel that embarrassment was when I wasn't normal and people would "hate" me. In fact it's the opposite, taking risks takes a ton of courage, like asking a girl out or even flirting. My current goal is to be able to talk and hold conversations with "pretty" girls, generally I glance away or look when they aren't looking.

Instead of drawing fear from the adrenaline rush I've learned it's better to embrace it and have fun. Only thing left to do is practice and get better

[Coffeesmurf]

* Have a girl I mountainbike with over for dinner (7)

Done. Had a great evening with lots of laughs - she invited me over to her place in the near future for dinner as well. Had some thoughts about not being interesting enough or the conversation running dry - but not that many and I didn't take them too seriously. As always, staying 'in the moment' helped.

[MetaFitX]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Basically, courage is like a muscle, so to grow it, you pratice it a lot. Social courage is one of the most important one, and it deals with other people in any shape and form. You can grow it by tackling doing things to stretch it, that requires some courage. You start with what is just a small stretch and you keep on stretching over time. Each time, your courage grows and eventually you get comfortable with where you're at, so you do something else beyond where your new level is to keep on growing it. My goal is to do some really huge things by the end of the 9 month period..things that scares the hell out of me, but which should just be a small stretch by the time May comes around .

That's fantastic. I also advocate the "baby steps" method myself. I've found it was worked absolute wonders!

[LifeFirst]

Originally Posted by Coffeesmurf

I've compiled my list and rated the goals/exercises with a rating from 1 to 10, with 10 being the hardest and most fear provoking for me to do.

* Make small talk with the receptionist at my gym (4)
* Have the group I mountainbike with over for beers (4)
* Start a conversation with a stranger at the gym (6)
* Make small talk with a sales clerk at a shop (6)
* Have dinner with a fellow cancer survivor and his wife who's visiting from the US (7)
* Have a girl I mountainbike with over for dinner (7)
* Participate in a drop-in salsa class and the following discotech (7)
* Go on a first date with a girl I'm writing with on a dating site (8)
* Host a private party for people from a singles Facebook-group (8)
* Ask a girl who's a spinning instructor and her husband if I can come by for coffee one day (9)
* Ask super cute spin-class girl out on a date (10)
* Have a conversation with an attractive girl while out on the town (10)
* Compliment a girl while on a date (10)
* Touch a girl - innocently - while on a date (10)
* Kiss a girl while on a date (11 )

Shouldn't it be the opposite?

For me kissing girls on dates and touching are easy as hell for me.

In fact, making small talk is more of a challenge because I just can't get motivated to do it....don't see the point doing small talk. And talking to people at the gym...it's best to leave them alone really. That's just gym etiquette, I don't like to be bothered while weight lifting.

[Coffeesmurf]

Originally Posted by LifeFirst

Shouldn't it be the opposite?

For me kissing girls on dates and touching are easy as hell for me.

In fact, making small talk is more of a challenge because I just can't get motivated to do it....don't see the point doing small talk. And talking to people at the gym...it's best to leave them alone really. That's just gym etiquette, I don't like to be bothered while weight lifting.

I think the important part of the above is the 'for me'-part

For me it's extremely hard to kiss a girl I'm dating unless I'm pretty much totally certain it's something she wants. This is mainly because I'm scared of rejection - which, in part, is why I'm doing all these things in the first place. Speaking of that, I'm going on a first date with a girl on Tuesday..

Making small talk doesn't really cause me much anxiety. Usually I don't know the people I talk to too that well anyways, so there's noting to lose, I suppose. I used to think small talk was boring and pointless but now I actually like it - and see the point of it.. it's a good way to get to know someone and progress into more substantial conversations. Also, I feel better after talking to someone, much in the same way a smile from a stranger on the street can brighten up my day

I don't talk to people at the gym while they are lifting - or to anyone looking like they don't want to chat. Besides, etiquette differs from gym to gym - the gym I go to is very social and everybody talks to everybody, more or less.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Angela

Have you ever felt compassionate? Can you remember a specific time when you felt really, fully compassionate?

When I'm not thinking about things too much, I'm naturally compassionate to other people..

I can remember specific times, do I have to tell you them?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by brendannz

I can remember specific times, do I have to tell you them?

Nope! Just go back to those times, one at a time, and really BE there - see what you see, hear what you hear, and feel what you feel. Just notice what you notice and really invite and allow all those lovely feelings of compassion to flood your being, and enjoy it. At the peak of that feeling, anchor it.

If you build up that anchor, by going back to each and every one of those times when you really felt compassionate and stacking those feelings into one very powerful anchor (and re-stack it periodically -- keep it built up), you have a button you can push in yourself to have you feeling that wonderful compassionate feeling anytime you want, for any reason or for no reason other than you choose it.

[Coffeesmurf]

* Go on a first date with a girl I'm writing with on a dating site (8)

Done.

It's funny how when you do the things you're scared of, they tend to turn out quite a bit less anxiety provoking than you imagined. On my patented Anxiety Scale(TM) I'd say it was more of a '5' than an '8', as predicted.

The date lasted four hours with no awkward silences to speak of. My date even told me at one point that I seemed like a very social guy I'm beginning to see that I might come off slightly less socially anxious than I imagined..

Also, she's a very sweet and attractive girl - so I'm planning on calling her and asking her out again soon.

[seeker5]

That's cool Coffeesmurf

I'm seeing some good results from my "Hi" trial. Even though I've stopped the trial, I find myself naturally saying hi to people a lot more nowadays. It seems a lot more natural to say hi to strangers I make eye contact.

I'm itching to plan something that will cause me to face fear and transcend it. Last night I gave a speech I didn't have to give to an audience I'm not comfortable in front of. When I thought about giving the speech and I felt fear, I knew I had to give it. However, other than last night's speech, it's been over a week since I've done something that caused me to really face the fear and I'm really itching to do something that I fear socially. I'll figure out something I can do, there's so many to choose from.

[Coffeesmurf]

Good to hear you're making progress with your exercises, seeker5! I've also found that making eye contact with strangers, people in shops etc. really helps in making eye contact more natural and easy in general - even with attractive girls Look forward to hearing what you figure out as a new goal..

I completed another goal today.. asked a girl I've dated some time ago to come by for dinner on Monday. Not as a date - just friends having a good time.

Just updated my list - removed the completed goals, added some more and updated the ratings (10 should only be for the really challenging stuff ):

• Make small talk with the receptionist at my gym (4)
• Join the group I mountainbike with for beers and a night out (4)
• Start a conversation with a stranger at the gym (6)
• Start a conversation with a stranger at my yoga class (6)
• Make small talk with a sales clerk at a shop (6)
• Participate in a drop-in salsa class and the following discotech (7)
• Call the girl I'm seeing and ask her on a second date (7)
• Go on a second date with the girl I'm seeing (8)
• Host a private party for people from a singles Facebook-group (8)
• Ask a girl who's a spinning instructor and her husband if I can come by for coffee one day (8)
• Ask super cute spin-class girl out on a date (9)
• Compliment a girl while on a date (9)
• Touch a girl - innocently - while on a date (9)
• Have a conversation with an attractive girl while out on the town (10)
• Kiss a girl while on a date (10)

The next goal is going out on a second date (visiting a museum) on Sunday with the girl I saw yesterday - if she's free. I'm going to throw the dating handbook out of the window and call her tonight instead of waiting a week

.. which is pretty fear-provoking. But I really love living the pro-active life now instead of waiting for things to happen and hoping for the best

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Angela

Nope! Just go back to those times, one at a time, and really BE there - see what you see, hear what you hear, and feel what you feel. Just notice what you notice and really invite and allow all those lovely feelings of compassion to flood your being, and enjoy it. At the peak of that feeling, anchor it.

If you build up that anchor, by going back to each and every one of those times when you really felt compassionate and stacking those feelings into one very powerful anchor (and re-stack it periodically -- keep it built up), you have a button you can push in yourself to have you feeling that wonderful compassionate feeling anytime you want, for any reason or for no reason other than you choose it.

The only reason I'm not 100% compassionate all the time, is because I want to avoid being bullied by and tooled with by other people

[Coffeesmurf]

Originally Posted by brendannz

The only reason I'm not 100% compassionate all the time, is because I want to avoid being bullied by and tooled with by other people

Being compassionate doesn't conflict with setting up healthy boundaries and feeling compassion for someone doesn't mean letting them walk all over you, in my opinion.

I've dropped all contact with some friends and members of my family because they're were a negative influence on me. But I still have compassion for them, since I know they're suffering - I just can't have them in my life..

[Coffeesmurf]

• Call the girl I'm seeing and ask her on a second date (7)
• Go on a second date with the girl I'm seeing (8)

Both done. I met her at a museum yesterday, had coffee and something to eat afterwards. Ended up spending six hours together and I really like her, so my next goals to complete are:

• Have a third date with the girl I'm seeing (9)
• Touch a girl - innocently - while on a date (9)
• Kiss a girl while on a date (10)

Hopefully all in the same night, when she comes by for dinner on Wednesday

Also, I'm doing this one tonight:

• Have dinner with a girl I used to date - as friends (6)

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Coffeesmurf

Good to hear you're making progress with your exercises, seeker5! I've also found that making eye contact with strangers, people in shops etc. really helps in making eye contact more natural and easy in general - even with attractive girls Look forward to hearing what you figure out as a new goal..

I completed another goal today.. asked a girl I've dated some time ago to come by for dinner on Monday. Not as a date - just friends having a good time.

Just updated my list - removed the completed goals, added some more and updated the ratings (10 should only be for the really challenging stuff ):

• Make small talk with the receptionist at my gym (4)
• Join the group I mountainbike with for beers and a night out (4)
• Start a conversation with a stranger at the gym (6)
• Start a conversation with a stranger at my yoga class (6)
• Make small talk with a sales clerk at a shop (6)
• Participate in a drop-in salsa class and the following discotech (7)
• Call the girl I'm seeing and ask her on a second date (7)
• Go on a second date with the girl I'm seeing (8)
• Host a private party for people from a singles Facebook-group (8)
• Ask a girl who's a spinning instructor and her husband if I can come by for coffee one day (8)
• Ask super cute spin-class girl out on a date (9)
• Compliment a girl while on a date (9)
• Touch a girl - innocently - while on a date (9)
• Have a conversation with an attractive girl while out on the town (10)
• Kiss a girl while on a date (10)

The next goal is going out on a second date (visiting a museum) on Sunday with the girl I saw yesterday - if she's free. I'm going to throw the dating handbook out of the window and call her tonight instead of waiting a week

.. which is pretty fear-provoking. But I really love living the pro-active life now instead of waiting for things to happen and hoping for the best

My List

• Travelled to the big city to see a band play all by myself, (even though I had friends to stay with there, and do stuff with outside of the band times) (9)
• Talked to complete strangers while at the gig (8)
• Went out for coffee and galleries with some girl from the art show, I kept in touch with by email (in the big city) (9.5)
• Said "but, I'm not a lady" when the guy said "Hello ladies" to us (4)
• Left on friendly terms, ie. "call me if you come back..", etc. (8)
• Made friends with some guy at my friends house who was couch surfing and spent the day hanging out with him in town, and walked up a hill, introduced him to my country a bit. (7)
• Made small talk with the girl at StarBucks. (7.5)

Yep, rationally there's no reason to fear any of these things, but it's all good social progress..

[FazK]

I haven't been following this thread but here is a good exercise that you guys can try. Basically you walk up to someone and go "Hi i'm manny the marshen what's your favourite flavour bowling ball" it's sounds a bit weird but is supposed to increase your courage for approaching strangers.

Also try googling "albert ellis attacking shame exercises" he is supposed to deal with the kind of things this thread is about

[Angela]

Originally Posted by brendannz

The only reason I'm not 100% compassionate all the time, is because I want to avoid being bullied by and tooled with by other people

Yes, I think that's a common concern. Here's the thing, though - you know that old saying, "what you resist persists," don't you? Avoidance is a powerful form of resistance, and it serves to powerfully keep what you are avoiding INSIDE your experience. D'oh!

Avoidance is a good short-term coping tactic -- getting away from someone who is strong-arming or manipulating you is a great tool to have in your belt. But if you continually rely on avoidance as your only tool for managing your experience in the matter of bullying, you lame yourself -- you prevent yourself from learning how to reach mastery in the matter. One way that shows up is habitual thinking -- you train yourself to be a highly defensive person, continually on red alert for bullyers and toolers, your nervous system continually in parasympathetic response (freeze, flight or fight). Parasympathetic response is really, really good and useful for authentic threat, but if you dwell in it, it takes a pretty rough toll on you. Worse, it keeps you in a perpetual state of limited choice of three options (freeze up, run away, or combat the person). If you were to practice letting go of your resistance to being bullied and tooled, you would allow yourself to go into sympathetic response and in that calm, resourceful state, you'd suddenly have so much more choice and opportunity.

After all of the ordinary, common sense teaching that if you're faced with a "negative" person, the best course of action is to avoid them, but in my view, relying on that as your only or best choice is for beginners. It keeps you at the effect of people you view as negative; it maintains you as a reactive pinball in your life, and when society chooses avoidance as a default method for coping, it keeps world society reactive, like a planet full of frogs in the blender.

I don't know if this gives you more access to compassion, but the bullies and the tools only use their low-level tactics because their own inner resources are quite limited -- they haven't developed their own resources past Level 3 (survival) values. You won't really help them, or your self, to move past those values until you fully accept them, both in yourself and in others.

I know it may seem very scary to consider Accepting bullying, because it sounds like Acceptance means condoning or rolling over on your back and urinating like a puppy -- but it doesn't. Actually it means quite the opposite. When you really accept people, granting them space and freedom (in your own head) to be exactly as they are and exactly as they are not, you suddenly have exponentially more flexibility in your response to someone who is behaving in a way that doesn't work well for you. You suddenly become the most influential person in the interaction. You are not limited to freezing, flying, or fighting -- you are not at the effect of a bullyer, but rather, now you have access to actually making a positive difference and feeling really good while you do it.