My fiance likes to fight

[Eeme]

I love my fiance to death, and he's super sweet most of the time. But he has this need to fight, he'll randomly get furious over absolutely nothing just because he wants to fight. He thinks it's fun. It really stresses me out though and I don't know how to deal with it. When I try to ignore it I just get really anxious for him to be happy again. Does anyone have any ideas? (Besides leaving him, honestly, does anyone here leave someone when they find out their flaws?)

[Daffy Duck]

Can we assume you already talked with him about it?

[Eeme]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Can we assume you already talked with him about it?

Yes, I've talked to him multiple times about it. He says he needs to be with someone he can fight with.

[intj123]

and why is that? that is quite possibly the most irrational thing I've ever heard.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Eeme

Yes, I've talked to him multiple times about it. He says he needs to be with someone he can fight with.

Can you make it clear to him that he needs to find someone else to fulfill that need of his, because you're not able to the person meeting that need he has to fight?

Alternatively, maybe you can find the root source of why he needs to fight, and help him find a way to fulfill that need in another fashion instead.

[Eeme]

Originally Posted by intj123

and why is that? that is quite possibly the most irrational thing I've ever heard.

It is very irrational. He is an all around very confusing and irrational person and he never wants to explain himself. I somehow find it intriguing

[yesman]

He probably feels emasculated somewhere else in his life so he needs to compensate by bullying you to convince himself he's still a man. Maybe he's getting picked on by his co-workers... or maybe he feels he lacks confidence outside of his home...

I should know because that's what I used to do to my ex in the past

[Eeme]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Can you make it clear to him that he needs to find someone else to fulfill that need of his, because you're not able to the person meeting that need he has to fight?

Alternatively, maybe you can find the root source of why he needs to fight, and help him find a way to fulfill that need in another fashion instead.

I would never suggest he go find someone else, I love him and I'm marrying him. He isn't very open, I'm unsure of how to get him to tell me.

[Eeme]

Originally Posted by yesman

He probably feels emasculated somewhere else in his life so he needs to compensate by bullying you to convince himself he's still a man. Maybe he's getting picked on by his co-workers... or maybe he feels he lacks confidence outside of his home...

I should know because that's what I used to do to my ex in the past

He is generally a violent person, he doesn't really bully me though. He definitely has a tough exterior and is super sweet on the inside and he isn't very confident. This situation isn't just with me, it's with everyone he knows.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Eeme

I would never suggest he go find someone else, I love him and I'm marrying him. He isn't very open, I'm unsure of how to get him to tell me.

I didn't mean go find someone else for him to develop an intimate relationship with. I mean for him to go find someone else to fight with, like a buddy while avoiding unnecessary fights with you.

[Eeme]

Originally Posted by seeker5

I didn't mean go find someone else for him to develop an intimate relationship with. I mean for him to go find someone else to fight with, like a buddy while avoiding unnecessary fights with you.

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll tell him that tomorrow.

[intj123]

I think in part you are also a sucker for punishment.

[ssandra]

You could advice him to start boxing lessons? There he can fight all he wants...

I used to be like that actually, I needed somebody I could fight with because I used to get so emotional during the day being around everybody else, I needed to unload this feeling.

I am over that now, I have no more need to fight. In fact, I rather not fight at all anymore.

A tip to get somebody who is not very open about feeling to talk about them is to get them to talk about facts, their past etc. Keep asking them questions about what happened, why etc. Don´t ask them how they are feeling (he probably doesn´t know) but ask them why they did that, what happened next etc.
The more they feel comfortable about talking about things, slowly but surely they will feel more comfortable about talking about feelings.
Very important is to never question of judge them if they do say something about feelings, eventhough you know that they are not being truthful or their feeling doesn´t make sense. This is new for them, probably the first time they admit this to themselves as well...

My husband is very closed about his feelings. When I met him, he said he didn´t have feelings (love was not a feeling, it was a choice according to him).

I talked a lot to him about facts, what his believes are (God, universe etc) how his childhood was, what he wants for the future, what he would do if we would win the lottery (you can learn a lot about a persons personality from that answer) etc.

Now, he knows he has feelings, he (sometimes) admits them to me, and usually knows when he is doing something because he feels something.

So it is not hopeless, but it took us almost 5 years. But it is worth it!

[Daffy Duck]

This problem is easily solved. If he tries to pick a fight with you, just laugh at him.

Really. That has always worked for me. I've had some idiots at parties try picking drunken fights with me before, and I always just laugh at them, walk away, and go on with my happy business.

Eventually he'll stop trying to pick fights, because he won't get the reaction out of you that he wants. Or he'll take it up a notch and maybe start hitting you. Or maybe he'll find someone else to fight with.

Maybe he'll ask, "Hey, why don't you fight with me?!" Just say, "Eh... I don't feel like it." Of course, this will only work well if you sincerely feel this way.

Originally Posted by Eeme

Besides leaving him, honestly, does anyone here leave someone when they find out their flaws?

Some "flaws" I'm okay with. Others I don't put up with. They don't work for me...

Picking fights for fun, cheating, kicking dogs, alcoholic, violent, strongly pessimistic... I don't put up with stuff like that. If you want to put up with his confusion and irrationality, if you find it "intriguing", then that's always your choice, of course! Best of luck to you.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Eeme

He says he needs to be with someone he can fight with.

Well, he has communicated strongly and very directly. He has told you what he needs.

Now, knowing that, you get to make a choice -- are you going to fulfill that need, or are you not? If I were you, I'd resolve that question BEFORE your wedding.

I think if you marry a man whose only means of dealing with fury is to take it out on his wife, you are setting yourself up for a fury-laden marriage, regardless of how super-sweet he is most of the time. Are you willing to have a fury-laden marriage? How do you think that will be for your kids?

[ar81]

A relationship that is not based on mutual growth, will go nowhere, and it may not take too long before a divorce.

Will fights make you grow? I do not know, you are the one there. You may make up your mind.

You have a life plan. No matter how much you love someone, heart can cheat us and lie to us. Think about your life plan and how much your fiancee has helped and will help you towards this plan. In the end, if your life does not follow your life plan, you will be a VERY unhappy person, you will fight a lot, and you will feel frustrated for the years to come.

Think about it. It is a decisive moment in your life, and you need to think long term with a down-to-Earth view. Eternal love (that emotion you feel) will last 6 months. The rest of your life you will be with someone who fights...

If fights are contructive, you may need to think about it. But if fights are destructive, run like hell.