Friend consumed by victim mentality

[Rebecca]

I have a friend who is in a very difficult situation and is responding to it by becoming a total victim. I have, in the past, expressed that I am sorry that the person is going through these things. I have also expressed that it becomes difficult for me to listen to unending negativity. As a result of this, the friend was out of touch for a long time. However, we just exchanged emails regarding a mutual acquaintance and I then asked my friend how things are going. The response was far more negative than anything I'd heard before. The person is admittedly angry all the time, leading a miserable life, unable to see or experience anything positive. The person made a vague reference in an email that I took to mean that suicide might be a possibility at some future time. The person is not a close friend, but nonetheless someone I care about. I am tempted to respond by saying I'm sorry that things are so hard, that I am very concerned, and then offer some perspective that suggests that life is what you make it, even identifying practical resources to go to for a different way of looking at things. But I suspect this would not be appreciated. Any advice about how to respond in a caring way in such a situation?

[Adam]

My advice is to respond by saying that you are sorry that things are so hard, mention that you are very concerned, then offer to help her to pull herself out of the rut, if she'll accept it honestly. The most that you can do through email is to offer help... you can't force help on her. Once she has accepted, though, then do all that you can to help her.

[norbert]

If a person is contemplating suicide, the first thing he needs is somebody who listens to and understands him. Offering help directly usually doesn't make any sense because he sees no reason for staying alive ("nobody understands me", "I'm so alone" etc). I don't know how much time and energy you want to put into this but unless he feels you understand him, he probably won't take any advice seriously. Invite him to this forum to discuss his problems?

[norbert]

Steve's Overcoming Depression article comes to mind too. ("If you’re chronically depressed, however, it’s possible that virtually nothing in your life makes you feel good. Your whole situation may be unpleasant from top to bottom...")

[da1prophet]

I have a friend that was essentially in the same place a couple of years ago. I'm no expert, but what I did was practice what some might call "tough love". If she was doing something proactive to take responsibility for her problems and better her situation, I was supportive. If she was just whining and blaming others, I wouldn't have any part of it. In a perverse way, it was easier because I was going through my own issues with a divorce at the time and to some extent knew how she felt. I made a decision early on not to think I was some sort of victim, and I wouldn't do anything to enable her doing so.

Like I said, I'm not an expert and just did what seemed like the right thing at the time but for whatever reason it worked. She's made considerable progress since then and has a much better attitude on life. She's also much more pleasant to be around...

[Shaden]

The first and most important thing is to get some sort of acceptance. Until they except that they are going to have to help themselves and work their way out of their current situation, they will be too weak to make any real actions towards getting better. If you offer help before you get an honest admission of acceptance, it will fail and you will be left emotionally drained.

[ElizaJ]

I find that some people who contemplate suicide do so because they have no support system and no real friends that they can turn to. It sounds as if she is reaching out to you and this is her cry for help. Why not visualize sending her healing pink light and giving her advice on getting away from whatever negative people are surrounding her? Healing pink light should help her be more self-accepting and not so hard on herself.

[nantucketsunset]

Instead of offering advice that won't have much resonance for a severely depressed person (and this advice isn't something she doesn't know already, because she does know it, but just can't "live it" - depression does that to a person - makes you feel like you are swimming in molasses and everything is foggy and fuzzy and the world is upside down), and instead of spending time thinking about and asking strangers about what to say to her in an email, why not just spend a little bit of time with the person?

Go and watch a bad tv movie together, or take a pizza and spend an hour with her weeding her front yard, or grab her and go to a state park for a walk, etc. She doesn't need logic, reasoning, preaching, distant writing. She needs someone to bring one human highlight of contact and care to her week/month, in the form of a little bit of easygoing companionship that does not bring up in any way her problems, her fuzzy thinking, her disheveled appearance (unless she mentions them first and asks for help in those areas).

A depressed person is often extremely lonely for this kind of very simple human contact, which paradoxically nearly everyone they know withdraws from them when they develop clinical depression.

Don't take her negativity personally, and don't expect her to pull herself up by the bootstraps before you resume the acquaintanceship.

Even if she says she doesn't want visitors, she probably would be so glad to have you visit her even if just for 15 minutes.

By the way, if you really feel she might be suicidal, have you contacted her parents/siblings about what she has said? Is she getting medical treatment? Is she speaking to a counselor or therapist? Perhaps you can help her make an appointment with one, and go with her and sit in the waiting room for her first session. There may be a point when alerting someone in authority about her suicideal ideation could save her life.

It behooves us to realize that there but for the grace of God could go any of us. We are all much closer to sliding into periods of "mental illness" than we'd like to think. And I think that about 20% of the Western population has one kind of "mental illness" or other, whether or not they are being "treated" for it currently.

[Boreas]

I recommend Steve's article on how to help negative people:

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...gative-people/

[Antiventurecapital]

Spend $5 to buy them a ticket to watch The Secret online.

[tramseyer]

Having been on the other side for a long time, and still am to a big extent, I can say that for me, these answers are good ones.

Da1prophet, I can agree with you if you said something to your friend about what you were doing and why. Backing off from her could have so easily been taken the wrong way and plunged her further into her depression/victim mentality.

From experience also, I can say that straight out dumping someone does not work either, and I'm not saying anyone here has done that, just to be clear. Friends are where Steve and some other self-improvement/help folks differ - I don't dump people just because they don't mesh with the life I'm creating for myself. I may spend less time with them, and make new friends as I grow. I have too few, and too few close friends as it is, plus I've been on the receiving end of an especially cruel and heartless "dump," and I don't intend to put anyone else through that.

Theresa