Conditioned for bad relationships...

[dingybobstuart]

Hi everyone...
I have a problem with relationships.
For 1, i have trouble getting into one coz i lack confidence and im not really talkative, so i think its a bit offputting... And 2, i think i have been conditioned (as a result of prior bad relationships) in such a way that i perceive having a girlfriend as a potentially dangerous thing emotionally.
As a result, everytime i find myself getting into a relationship with a girl, it goes wrong because i either dont entirely trust them (i have a tendecy to get jealous) or i am filled with so much doubt and insecurities (most likely due to my self conciousness/anxiety etc) that i dont know how to make a relationship work.
Im getting so sick and tired of it...

I dont suppose anyone has any advice?????

Thanks

Mark

[RT Wolf]

I think you've taken a good first step by recognizing that you are the cause and that you have to work on yourself first. Improve your own confidence and self-image by doing the stuff everyone recommends (start excersizing, sleeping properly, eating well, etc). Basically, by improving yourself, you'll find your own sense of self-esteem rising and that'll make it easier for you to find a fulfilling and empowering relationship.

Good luck and HTH.

[Yellow]

Originally Posted by dingybobstuart

Hi everyone...
I have a problem with relationships.
For 1, i have trouble getting into one coz i lack confidence and im not really talkative, so i think its a bit offputting... And 2, i think i have been conditioned (as a result of prior bad relationships) in such a way that i perceive having a girlfriend as a potentially dangerous thing emotionally.
As a result, everytime i find myself getting into a relationship with a girl, it goes wrong because i either dont entirely trust them (i have a tendecy to get jealous) or i am filled with so much doubt and insecurities (most likely due to my self conciousness/anxiety etc) that i dont know how to make a relationship work.
Im getting so sick and tired of it...

I dont suppose anyone has any advice?????

Thanks

Mark

Hey dingybobstuart,
It's great that you know what the problem is. If I were in your place, which I am for a lot of situations, I try to have a talk with myself or someone I trust about whatever is bothering me. Talk about the problem and then how you think you can overcome it. There might be underlying reasons that can come up if you are willingly to go beyond these problems. Another thing that works is accepting the problem, making a decision to change it and start acting like you are secure in your relationships, that you dont get insecure, you dont get jealous without a good reason etc. This is basically fooling yourself to believe in a certain thing until you actually start believing it.
Good luck!

[dingybobstuart]

Originally Posted by Yellow

Hey dingybobstuart,
It's great that you know what the problem is. If I were in your place, which I am for a lot of situations, I try to have a talk with myself or someone I trust about whatever is bothering me. Talk about the problem and then how you think you can overcome it. There might be underlying reasons that can come up if you are willingly to go beyond these problems. Another thing that works is accepting the problem, making a decision to change it and start acting like you are secure in your relationships, that you dont get insecure, you dont get jealous without a good reason etc. This is basically fooling yourself to believe in a certain thing until you actually start believing it.
Good luck!

Thankyou both for your replies.
I will definately try to take your advice on board.
Cheers,

Mark

[DQueens]

i think the problem is your insecurity. The lack of confidence to enter a relationship, a tendency to get jealous, and self-sabotaging relationships are all examples of low self esteem. If you work to imrpove how you feel about youself, then i think your relationship problems will start to fade.

[dingybobstuart]

Originally Posted by DQueens

i think the problem is your insecurity. The lack of confidence to enter a relationship, a tendency to get jealous, and self-sabotaging relationships are all examples of low self esteem. If you work to imrpove how you feel about youself, then i think your relationship problems will start to fade.

Yeah i think you just hit the nail on the head with that one...
Sometime back i was head over for a girl who rejected me because i was "too nice". She's now in a ltr with my cousin... go figure.
Naturally, her turning me down in such a way (after so long... maybe 2 years of trying or so) made me realise that there must be something about me that is so un-appealing. Since then, its been a constant identity crisis trying to figure it all out. Trying to find the self image/identity i want. (or maybe the one she would have wanted). Sounds weak, i know...
I dont even have the confidence to approach girls anymore for fear of rejection.

I do feel that i am on a new path now. Ive been exercising alot more frequently, i quit smoking and drinking alchohol. Im working on my self image and confidence. This "identity" is becoming clearer.

Thanks again

Mark

[Shaden]

Sometime back i was head over for a girl who rejected me because i was "too nice".

She sounds like the perfect girl. I mean what a reason to reject a guy - "you're too nice". I think you should take pride in the fact that you're such a nice guy and find a girl who fully appreciates your nature. Never tie your self-esteem to a girl, particularly at your age, because she will, and I mean this with vicious vindication, rip it to shreds. Unless you get very, very lucky.

[ElizaJ]

I find that affirmations are a wonderful tool for reprogramming the self. Repeating affirmations daily can help you achieve a more self-confident state. What happens with positive affirmations is that the brain will begin working on ways to make it a reality.

[dingybobstuart]

Originally Posted by Shaden

She sounds like the perfect girl. I mean what a reason to reject a guy - "you're too nice". I think you should take pride in the fact that you're such a nice guy and find a girl who fully appreciates your nature. Never tie your self-esteem to a girl, particularly at your age, because she will, and I mean this with vicious vindication, rip it to shreds. Unless you get very, very lucky.

Mmm im not quite sure what you mean by tieing my self-esteem to a girl.
Im thinking its something along the lines of "dont change yourself for anyone"...and "if you do, they will see it and take advantage of it"
Truth be told, im getting kinda tired of acting.
???

ElizaJ:
Ive been doing just that actually. If i notice myself doing or thinking something that may be detrimental to my personal goals... i quietly steer myself in the right direction and think a happy thought as my own little reward :P

Thankyou for your replies

Mark

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by dingybobstuart

Truth be told, im getting kinda tired of acting.

Then stop acting! I know that's much easier said then done (been there myself), but you should always just be yourself. Nothing more, nothing less.

People who do not accept you for who you (truly) are, are not worth your time. Period.

I know from personal experience that you stand a chance of loosing a few 'friends' when you stop acting and start being yourself, which can be pretty painful... but the rewards of finding true friends who like the real you far outweigh those losses.

Jim.

[John Hill]

I wrote an article on my website called "why do you attract certain people" you may find it interesting as well as some others in the relationships category. The link is below.

John

[dingybobstuart]

Originally Posted by John Hill

I wrote an article on my website called "why do you attract certain people" you may find it interesting as well as some others in the relationships category. The link is below.

John

Hi John,
Thankyou for the link to your site. It looks great.
Im really looking forward to reading your articles.

Thanks again.

Mark