Be direct or let things ride out?

[Johanna4444]

I am friends with a girl who is somewhat guarded when it comes to her feelings and relationships. She does better with one on one and becomes easily annoyed with others I've noticed. Our friendship has had its ins and outs before so I have never been too overworked when I don't hear from her since I met her 6 months ago. However, over the past 2 months or so, we've become pretty close. We goof off, do things together, and just got back from a 12hr roadtrip (both ways) which is the most time we've spent together alone.

Somewhere along the way during this trip, I feel like she became annoyed with me. She completely clammed up all day saturday and was no longer laughing at jokes or engaging me. The roadtrip home on sunday had sporadic conversations, but many times questions i posed were met with no reaction whatsoever, or a very flat response. There were laughs at times, but mostly it was uncomfortable for me and I felt like I couldnt say anything right. Even when she dropped me off at my home, she didn't look at me, say goodbye, hug me, or anything. When I said goodbye, see you later, etc, I was met with silence. I am not sure what I could have done or said... we were with people the whole while and I was as much myself as I ever was, good or bad. All this week when we usually chat during work, she either ignores me, gets offline, or I am met with a brief response instead of our ongoing fun like we normally do. Writing all of it out here, something definitely seems different and wrong.

My question is, should I ask her if there is something bothering her? Be direct and tell her I'm hurt and wondering? Or just accept it for what it is and move on and do other things, and if she contacts me, fine. I don't want to stir the pot and she is definitely someone who needs her space. Perhaps we have just been spending too much time together and she needs a break. I just wish I knew what I did to get this new treatment. I have drafted a few emails but deleted them. I want to be honest with how I feel but I also dont want to get her upset or start a fight. I have always been very open about my feelings in things but sometimes that gets me in trouble. I definitely got plenty of her this weekend and am not in any rush to hang out every day, but I just feel like things are different.

What should I do? I want to write a direct email or talk to her because that is generally my style but I also don't want to get her upset or come across as making a mountain out of a molehill. And on the other hand, if I fear her reaction to being honest about how I feel, is she really someone I need to be getting close to? If things can be going great and then all of a sudden I have no clue where I stand, is that the kind of friendship I want?

Arrgghhh. So frustrated and confused.

[this is fun]

Originally Posted by Johanna4444

My question is, should I ask her if there is something bothering her? Be direct and tell her I'm hurt and wondering? Or just accept it for what it is and move on and do other things, and if she contacts me, fine. I don't want to stir the pot and she is definitely someone who needs her space. Perhaps we have just been spending too much time together and she needs a break.

You say that over the past two months you've become pretty close, in that case, I'd ask her about it. If she doesn't want to talk to you face to face, you could write an email.
I know that maybe something could be bothering her and it might not have anything to do with you.
I really hate when people do that If someone feels offended/hurt by something I said or did inadvertently, I'd really like them to tell me so. Then I can explain what I meant, because maybe they misunderstood. If it is my fault I have no problem apologizing, they can either accept my apology or never talk to me again
I'd say I've noticed her behaviour/attitude towards me has changed and I was wondering if it is something I've said or done, or if I can help her in some way. I'd keep it short and simple, and not attack her. Just be prepared for the answer you might get, you may not like it or it might not be satisfactory.
Good luck!

[Indiana]

It seems clear her behaviour change is not something you're imagining, so something simple and direct but kind should do the trick.

"Hey Friend,

There's something that's been on my mind and I want to run it past you. During our roadtrip it seemed like something was bothering you from Saturday onwards, and ever since I feel like you've been tuning me out.

Did I do something to upset you? Or is there something else on your mind at the moment?

I really enjoy your company and value your friendship, so if there's a problem I'd like to talk it out.

Let me know..."

There's no pressure in that, and if she has been just busy and distracted, she'll just say it. If she finds a note like that to be too much of an intrusion on her personal space and blows you off, I'd say the friendship is something you might want to evaluate.

[Nani]

I think you should be direct with her. If you don't, your relationship with her will either stay unsatisfactory or get worse, and you might never know why. A lack of communication is never a good sign. If you want to save your friendship with her that communication you once had has to make its comeback some way or another. There's a possibility she'll revert back to normal on her own, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to sit back and hope for that.

When you confront her, you probably shouldn't tell her that you're hurt or say anything about your feelings because she might get the wrong idea and perceive you as selfish. Normally it's healthy to discuss your feelings in a relationship, but in this case there may indeed be something very wrong going on with her and she won't be in her right state of mind to understand where you're coming from, thus she'll misinterpret you. This is especially true if she really does have a problem with you. So you have to be the understanding one, and put the focus entirely on her instead. Let her know that she has been acting different with you as of late and you are concerned about her, and if something is bothering her, you're willing to help.

If she responds negatively to you, I say that's when you should consider letting her be. Give yourself a pat on the back for doing what you could, and move on.

[Johanna4444]

Thanks everyone. These were really helpful, insightful suggestions.