Manipulation by acts of kindness

[drakecatz]

I am going to write about something that some of you might say, "oh, thats nice, no big deal." It is a big deal too me.

Here goes, don't laugh. Monday is garbage day. They come between 10 and 11 am. I usually put my can out the night before, but didn't as I got busy and knew I had time in the morning.

I haven't been sleeping well. I told this to my neighbor yesterday. My phone rang and woke me this morning with her saying I needed to put my garbage out!! I went back to sleep and when I went out at 9:00 to move my can it was already out there! she had done it for me!

This really made me mad. Why? She has the worst memory in the world and we recently talked about how that had a negative effect on people around her.

She knows damn well I'm not going to "forget" to take my can out! She knows I have a good memory! I think she is saying, "see, you forgot." It's not an act of kindness, it's a slam. This is a pattern of control with her. Clearly I'm not reacting well to another piece of her bs. What to do? I think she woke me on purpose too. I don't want to alienate her. She'll be taking care of my animals soon. There are things we do for eachother as we both live alone. I consider her an aquaintance not a friend as our differences are too great to bother to overcome.

There is passive aggressive manipulation going on. It's a lot bigger that garbage cans. It really got to me. I'd like some advice. thanks.

[Angela]

On the other hand, she may have heard you say you hadn't been sleeping well, and thought oversleeping, not forgetting, might end up causing you some garbage pain.

Do you think it would be possible for you to practice looking for positive intention in the actions of others? You get more of what you focus on, after all, so why not focus on what you want?

It may very well be that others have passive-aggressive, manipulative, or other intentions that don't work well for you. And can you imagine how much power and influence you would have in your life if you were able to see underneath those, down to the positive intention -- the higher purpose -- that lives deeper than even the most apparently harmful attitudes?

You would be a ju-jitsu artist. You would be graceful movement, using other people's energy, whether positive or negative, in ways that would have you feeling good, rather than feeling controlled or manipulated. You would be dancing, rather than defending yourself. Wouldn't that feel great?

p.s.... do you find it funny that this little button-pushing lesson took the form of "garbage"? I think the unconscious mind has a tremendous sense of humor!

[drakecatz]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by Angela

On the other hand, she may have heard you say you hadn't been sleeping well,

No. I doubt that she heard anything. But thats a good point. She maybe didn't remember I said I wasn't sleeping well.

Do you think it would be possible for you to practice looking for positive intention in the actions of others? You get more of what you focus on, after all, so why not focus on what you want?

This is a beautiful and important thought! Possibly the answer to making this a beneficial relationship. Thank you Angela! You are a wise woman. I will meditate strongly on this. I so need a shift in this area! It all makes sense, since I need her help, to try to shift how I respond to her. I'm feeling better about this.

p.s.... do you find it funny that this little button-pushing lesson took the form of "garbage"? I think the unconscious mind has a tremendous sense of humor!

OMG! Am I dense or what! Love it! What a hoot! Thank Ms. Sage! Have a good day, knowing you've helped at least one person so far!

[aggie]

loved the story and the answer.

had a similar problem when i moved to a new neigborhood and the neighbor pounded on our door early one saturday morning to tell us we needed to take our empty can back UP to our house!

sometimes you just can't win

passive agressive is one thing i really have a BIG problem with also...but in the long run with neighbors and others in life....you kinda have to laugh and think: i know what you're up to!

and somehow it doesn't bother you so much and you actually can turn the situations around and i have found that i can grow and even THEY can and do, (whether they want to or not)

anyway...great story!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by drakecatz

Have a good day, knowing you've helped at least one person so far!

That feels very, very good. Thank you, drakecatz!

[drakecatz]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by aggie

passive agressive is one thing i really have a BIG problem with also...but in the long run with neighbors and others in life....you kinda have to laugh and think: i know what you're up to!

Yes! I do feel better about this silliness now! It's not like I'm the only person in the world who has someone peaking their head out of the curtains watching.....

and somehow it doesn't bother you so much and you actually can turn the situations around and i have found that i can grow and even THEY can and do, (whether they want to or not)

I love this, and really needed it! You know how when you're too close to the subject and become myopic and just can't see the simple and positive way to handle it!

anyway...great story!

Too much Huh! I'm glad you could relate. When I wrote the thread I was hoping someone would understand.