Need to know if she's the one... HELP!

[kalbo]

First time poster here. Stumbled on this forum and I was very impressed with the mature, intelligent and experienced posters so I figure this is the perfect place to get advice... So here's my story:

Been with my girlfriend for almost two years now. She let me know early on that I was "the one" and up until now she still tells me that. Unfortunately I, on the other hand, am not quite sure if she is the one. I mean, we get along great, I enjoy her company and I like spending time with her. However, for some reason, I'm just not that crazy over her and I never really was. I always assumed that "the one" would be someone who you'd spend lots of time with and have excellent communication with, but never get tired of them. So I find myself a bit confused as to why I'm not crazy over her and why I have to question whether she is the one.

And here's the situation we find ourselves in now: We're both in our late 20's. She's making decent money and is ready to get married, move into a house and have kids. I, on the other hand, recently lost my job, don't have much money in the bank, and I plan on going back to school in a few months. Although she wants to move on in her life, she tells me she will wait for me to get financially stable (which would take years) so we can afford a house and kids.

The problem I find myself in is that I see her looking at houses and babies and I can feel the subtle *sigh* she lets out. It pains me to know that I'm causing her to put a hold on her dreams just for me. And worst of all, I'm not even sure if she's the one so she could be waiting for nothing.

Anyways, I need to know if she's the one so I don't keep her waiting for nothing. Feel free to ask me questions about my relationship since I know it's hard to determine it from the limited information I presented. And even if she is the one, is it a good idea for me to keep her waiting still?

Please, please, please help!

[seeker5]

Have you talked to her about your unsureness and all that you've written on here?

[nocturne]

ok from the book how to succeed with women by louis/copland, it suggests that you make a list of what you require in a woman, what is favorable, and what is unacceptable.

example:
require: showers regularly
favorable: is a supermodel
unacceptable: picks her nose
(your list might not be as silly)

The point is, if you know that you want a car with ac, leather seats, and a fuel efficient engine, with white paint, then it would make sense to decide what you want in a woman too.

then you could judge against the list, or decide the list is wrong and change it. But this way, you are clear.

[yossarian]

How can another imperfect human being possibly fulfill the impossible perfection that you are describing?

No human being will ever be as fulfilling as what you mention. You need to find that fulfillment within yourself.

[kalbo]

@seeker: Yes I have told her everything I said here. I didn't mention, however, that I was never "crazy" over her. Didn't think she needs to hear that... but I could be wrong.

@nocturne: I have a list and to be honest, she does meet the main things (eg. can stay home on a friday night, not materialistic, values staying eating healthy and exercising, etc.). Looks wise she may not make the complete list, but that's only a superficial category so I hope that's not the thing that's holding me back (she is still good looking by the way).

But now that I think about it, maybe I should have added to the list that she cannot want to have babies too soon. I've been having financial problems for a while and I'm really not at a point where I'm eager to have babies. She, on the other hand, is at that point already. Although she says she will wait, I know deep down that she really wants it. Could this be the thing that's holding me back?

@yossarian: I know what you mean. We communicate great and we genuinely enjoy each others company, so what more do I want? I guess I'm just waiting for that "feeling" that everyone is talking about when they know they're with the one. But maybe that's just a myth or not something that everyone experiences when they found the one.

[seeker5]

Nocturn,

While that book you mentioned may have some good advice on picking up women and romancing them for a little bit, I'm not sure its advice is good for creating a good long term relationship. The authors themselves admit that they don't want to create long-lasting relationships and that they only themselves want to date women just a couple of months before moving on to new ones. Thus, its advice on long term relationships would be suspect in my view.

[Alexjstrandberg]

It's smart NOT to have kids when you can't afford to have them. Having kids when you are financially secure (not millionaire but secure) is tough to begin with and is ten times worse when you have to worry about whether or not you can afford jackets for your kids during the winter. That type of stress will bend and often times break the relationship you had with someone you love.

It could be that the idea of not being able to have kids now makes you feel guilty and causes you to pull away from her but I don't think that's the case. It seems that you know she is not the one that you want to be with. On paper she seems like a great girl but she still doesn't fully do it for you.

Most people in this situation would just settle and go on pretending that things are great and at times they will be but you will always find yourself feeling a bit off. You might be able to ignore the 'confused' feelings with kids, a house and a dog but eventually they will catch up to you.

If have great doubts about her (to the point where you are on this forum asking for help) then it's not fair to her or you to continue the relationship. It seems like you both have a great friendship but not much of a sexual relationship.

[rawxstasy]

I don't think you mentioned that you felt attracted to her. I think that is very important for a long term relationship.

However, for some reason, I'm just not that crazy over her and I never really was.

That statement jumped out at me. I can understand that. I ended up marrying a guy that I never was in love with. We were more like companions. Big mistake.

Also, you can get tired of someone who is "the one" for you. But there should be some balance, we all need time away from our partner. There are lots of people who can be "the one".

I think you should maybe take a break from the relationship, maybe that can give you some more clarity. There are some books out there on soulmates/the one. Those might also help you see what a relationship should be.

[kalbo]

Truly appreciate all the replies... wonderful advice I'm reading here.

@Alexjstrandberg: That last sentence really struck a cord, "It seems like you both have a great friendship but not much of a sexual relationship."... bang... on....

Sexually, she does want me, but I can't really say the same for her and it feels weird since I'm the guy. I'm used to the other way around. We do have sex once in a while, but I find that I have to force myself to get in the mood at times. I figured that it might be because I'm getting a bit older and my libido isn't what it used to, but I think it's too much of a drop off to be normal. And really, I'm only 28.

I guess I'm really afraid to admit that this is just a friendship (if that may be the case) seeing how long it lasted. In past relationships, the attraction was there but the communication was lacking. Then I finally found someone who I clicked with on another level, so I figured that she must be someone special. The attraction wasn't as strong but I thought it wouldn't be a big deal.

@rawxstasy: As I mentioned above, there is (was?) an attraction, but not to the point where I would go crazy over her. But does someone really need to "go crazy" over someone to know if they're the one? That's an honest question btw.

That situation with the guy you married could very well be like mine (minus the marriage part). I love my gf, but it doesn't seem like I'm "in love" with her. It does seem like we're more like great companions than lovers.

Going on a break is something we discussed and I'm sure it's the only option at this point.

[seeker5]

Kalbo,

Yeah, it sounds like the nicest, kindest thing you could do for her is to let her go so she can go ahead and find that guy who would feel the same way toward her.

[Yellow]

Originally Posted by kalbo

@seeker: Yes I have told her everything I said here. I didn't mention, however, that I was never "crazy" over her. Didn't think she needs to hear that... but I could be wrong.

@nocturne: I have a list and to be honest, she does meet the main things (eg. can stay home on a friday night, not materialistic, values staying eating healthy and exercising, etc.). Looks wise she may not make the complete list, but that's only a superficial category so I hope that's not the thing that's holding me back (she is still good looking by the way).

But now that I think about it, maybe I should have added to the list that she cannot want to have babies too soon. I've been having financial problems for a while and I'm really not at a point where I'm eager to have babies. She, on the other hand, is at that point already. Although she says she will wait, I know deep down that she really wants it. Could this be the thing that's holding me back?

@yossarian: I know what you mean. We communicate great and we genuinely enjoy each others company, so what more do I want? I guess I'm just waiting for that "feeling" that everyone is talking about when they know they're with the one. But maybe that's just a myth or not something that everyone experiences when they found the one.

Han!

It seems to me that the reason you're holding back is because you feel like you should give her what she needs; babies, settling down etc. And because you, yourself, are not ready for it, you are perceiving this as pressure. Even though, she is not putting any on you, you feel that you should take care of her needs in some way. You mentioned that you feel like she sighs when the topic comes up etc., even though she is telling you that she is okay with waiting (assuming she is honest with herself as well and/or really wants babies with you and want to wait but is having difficult striking the balance just yet).

Try to figure out if you're keeping away from her because you feel this pressure on yourself. You two have great communication, why is sex lacking? What is keeping you from being in it whole heartedly? Is there some fear that's holding you back? Ask yourself very honestly how much looks matter to you. Maybe you care more than you realize. Once you realize that, and if you're willing, it might be easier to overcome that.

Good luck!

[chrisrushton]

hey, walked in late to this one.

in my opinion, if you have to ask if someone's the one, they probably aren't.

then again, I don't believe in "the one" anyway. the above statement has always been true wherever i've tried to apply it.

eg, if i have to ask people if i'm funny, i'm probably not. This isn't trying to belittle the situation with a comedy example, but if you're unsure about wether something is true, it probably isn't.

[KazeCraven]

The grass is always greener on the other side. Doesn't necessarily mean that it's better, but it's definitely greener from this side, huh?

By the way, when you say "up until now" do you mean that she still tells you that you are the one, or has she seemed to stop? Why does she feel that you are the one? It sounds like the real issue is, do you stay in for her or do you get out for yourself? And not just that, but if you do decide to stay, can you give her what she needs? Are you getting what you need? Those are the questions I would be asking if I were you.

I feel that if I get along great with someone and can be honest and open about everything with that person, there's no need to "be crazy" about her. Is sex an important part of the relationship for you? If so, you'd better get out of there. Is it just the kids that are the issue? If so, you'd better make clear your concerns about the kids, see if she feels that you two can make it work now, and go from there. Do you feel that you are only staying in the relationship for her? If so, you'd better get out of there, because you can't really fake love for long. (Unless her definition of love is synonymous with caring, responsibility, and loyalty which is actually true for some people).

Perhaps you are only telling one side of the story here, but if what you've told us is the whole truth of how you feel about her, she isn't "the one". That doesn't mean you will find the one if you leave her though. And while ideally everyone should find "the one" maybe this girl has a deep belief that "this is as good as it's gonna get" and with that belief she won't find another "the one" either.

[ZHereford]

Kalbo,

It's sounds to me like your girlfriend has planned her life with a house and children etc. without bothering to fully consult you. It's like she knows what she wants so you'd best fall in with her plans.

You, however, appear not to be ready for any of this. You need time to get the job you want, get more settled, and only then think about a future with someone, and that someone probably isn't her.

While I think it's important to be good friends with your partner, it's equally important to be sexually attracted to them. If either one of these crucial ingredients is missing, then the chances of the relationship lasting are slim. I would suggest that you be honest with both yourself and her. This will not work out when the two of you are in such different places in your goals and in your feelings.

[kalbo]

wow, thought this thread would've been dead my now... thanks for all the replies!

Update: We are currently on a break so I can gather my thoughts. It's been tough at times, but ultimately feels like it's the right decision... at the moment at least.

Originally Posted by Yellow

Han!

It seems to me that the reason you're holding back is because you feel like you should give her what she needs; babies, settling down etc. And because you, yourself, are not ready for it, you are perceiving this as pressure. Even though, she is not putting any on you, you feel that you should take care of her needs in some way. You mentioned that you feel like she sighs when the topic comes up etc., even though she is telling you that she is okay with waiting (assuming she is honest with herself as well and/or really wants babies with you and want to wait but is having difficult striking the balance just yet).

Try to figure out if you're keeping away from her because you feel this pressure on yourself. You two have great communication, why is sex lacking? What is keeping you from being in it whole heartedly? Is there some fear that's holding you back? Ask yourself very honestly how much looks matter to you. Maybe you care more than you realize. Once you realize that, and if you're willing, it might be easier to overcome that.

Good luck!

Thanks! You're right though. She did mention her goals early on and I knew then it may have been a problem, but I was so intrigued by the potential of the relationship that I chose to overlook that at the moment. In hindsight, I can see that it was naive to think something like that won't affect us in the future. But maybe I was aware of that the whole time and that's why I kept her at arms length throughout the relationship, despite everything else we had going for each other.

And I would really hate myself if it's true, but maybe looks do matter that much to me. If she was better looking, would I still feel the same way about her? I'm leaning toward "no" not just because I'm afraid to think of myself as a shallow douche bag, but because when I think about it, the only difference it would make would be that it would've been harder to break-up with her. And also, I wouldn't say I'm turned off by her looks, she's actually decent looking. On an average day, she won't get too much attention (partly because she doesn't try), but at social events when everyone is fixed up, she can stick out and make heads turn.

Originally Posted by chrisrushton

hey, walked in late to this one.

in my opinion, if you have to ask if someone's the one, they probably aren't.

then again, I don't believe in "the one" anyway. the above statement has always been true wherever i've tried to apply it.

eg, if i have to ask people if i'm funny, i'm probably not. This isn't trying to belittle the situation with a comedy example, but if you're unsure about whether something is true, it probably isn't.

That's what I was wondering too. If she was the one, shouldn't I just "know it"?

The problem is, maybe there's something that's preventing me from feeling she's the one. As I mentioned above, it could be that I feel I cannot help her achieve her goals in life, so this could be preventing myself from being too attached to her.

Originally Posted by KazeCraven

The grass is always greener on the other side. Doesn't necessarily mean that it's better, but it's definitely greener from this side, huh?

By the way, when you say "up until now" do you mean that she still tells you that you are the one, or has she seemed to stop? Why does she feel that you are the one? It sounds like the real issue is, do you stay in for her or do you get out for yourself? And not just that, but if you do decide to stay, can you give her what she needs? Are you getting what you need? Those are the questions I would be asking if I were you.

I feel that if I get along great with someone and can be honest and open about everything with that person, there's no need to "be crazy" about her. Is sex an important part of the relationship for you? If so, you'd better get out of there. Is it just the kids that are the issue? If so, you'd better make clear your concerns about the kids, see if she feels that you two can make it work now, and go from there. Do you feel that you are only staying in the relationship for her? If so, you'd better get out of there, because you can't really fake love for long. (Unless her definition of love is synonymous with caring, responsibility, and loyalty which is actually true for some people).

Perhaps you are only telling one side of the story here, but if what you've told us is the whole truth of how you feel about her, she isn't "the one". That doesn't mean you will find the one if you leave her though. And while ideally everyone should find "the one" maybe this girl has a deep belief that "this is as good as it's gonna get" and with that belief she won't find another "the one" either.

When I said "up until now", I think I really meant, "to this day". Meaning, she always felt I was the one and her feelings never changed. And maybe I did carry on with an emotional relationship just for her... makes sense. All your questions are things I'm currently asking myself right now. But you asked if I'm only staying in the relationship for her, and my answer to that is "yes". I'm sure that alone is a sure sign that she's not the one.

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Kalbo,

It's sounds to me like your girlfriend has planned her life with a house and children etc. without bothering to fully consult you. It's like she knows what she wants so you'd best fall in with her plans.

You, however, appear not to be ready for any of this. You need time to get the job you want, get more settled, and only then think about a future with someone, and that someone probably isn't her.

While I think it's important to be good friends with your partner, it's equally important to be sexually attracted to them. If either one of these crucial ingredients is missing, then the chances of the relationship lasting are slim. I would suggest that you be honest with both yourself and her. This will not work out when the two of you are in such different places in your goals and in your feelings.

I think you nailed it buddy. I always felt that she had all these plans and she just hoped that I had those same plans in mind too. I told her then that I'd probably eventually have those plans, but I cannot think of those at the moment given the circumstance. I think that answer was good enough for her, or maybe she was convincing herself it was good enough because she really wanted to be with me. That unsureness on my part should have been a sign that I actually didn't have those plans, or just not with her at least.

And I too think sexual attraction is important. I didn't have it for her (at least not to the level that I prefer), and I don't think there's anything that can change that.

[JSB]

You write that you have something akin to a great friendship, but that the sexual attraction spark isn't terribly strong. I have been in the same situation in the past.

I figured that with all long-term relationships, the spark dies down eventually, and after awhile it's the deep connection that matters, so I decided to quiet my nagging doubts and be happy for what I had. I became more unhappy in the relationship, more doubtful, and I eventually ended it, but by waiting and dragging it out I caused my then-girlfriend much more pain than necessary; I still feel bad about it years later.

I believe that even though raw sexual attraction and "buzz" may not last forever, it's an absolutely necessary component (along with trust, friendship, love, and other qualities) at the beginning of a relationship to allow the couple to become close enough to stay together long-term.

I'm not advising you to break up with her, but I am advising you to figure out whether this can work for you sooner rather than later. You may worry about hurting her, but it's going to hurt a lot more if you wake up one day 10 years down the line, with two kids, a house, and a life together, and decide that you just can't take it anymore.

This may just be a case of timing or perspective or "the grass is greener", and after some time apart, you could very well decide that she IS the one. All I'm saying is don't commit until you feel it deep in your gut.

I wish you the best of luck.

[KazeCraven]

JSB: that is interesting. I haven't been in a relationship that lacked sexual attraction before, so I can't really speak one way or the other, but it sounds like the sexual attraction just fades into an invisible bond, whereas a lack of sexual attraction breeds separation.

kalbo: Have you made a decision yet, by any chance? I'm not really curious about which choice you made so much as whether you have reached closure. I can't really tell by the posts whether or not this input has helped bring you closure. If it hasn't, I'd invite you to consider where your path will take you if you choose to break up with her, if you haven't already. Though I'm getting the sense that you could do with a little bit of time away from your girlfriend, it's probably about time to just listen to your gut instinct and make a decision.

If it has, then I wish you the best of luck with your choice.

[kalbo]

JSB: I actually do think you're on to something when you say that sexual attraction needs to be there at the beginning to allow the couple to get closer in the long run. I don't think it's a good sign if a relatively young man (I'm 28 btw) finds it a bit difficult to have sexual relations with his partner. And it's not like she's a physically unattractive person, I did after all, find her attractive enough to pursue her at the beginning and we did have great sex during that honeymoon phase. But after that part ended, my attraction toward her really took a nosedive.

KazeCraven: Thanks for the encouraging words. In my last post I stated that we have decided to go on a break so I can reflect on the relationship. So far it has been 4 days since the break and as it stands, I'm about 90% sure that it's over. I'm still not clear as to why I lost (or never had) that emotional connection with her, but the thing that I'm almost certain about is that I will never get it back. And without that, there really is no point in continuing on with the relationship.

[JSB]

Originally Posted by KazeCraven

... it sounds like the sexual attraction just fades into an invisible bond, whereas a lack of sexual attraction breeds separation.

I think you nailed it.


Kalbo: My only further suggestion would be to look at the rapid loss of sexual attraction you had with her, especially since it was there in the first place.

Was she just not "the one"? Did her behavior or appearance change? Did something else change in her, you or the relationship? Do you just not feel ready to commit to one person right now? Are you just easily bored? Have you had any health issues that might affect hormone levels? What was the nature of the initial attraction? Etc.

The more answers you can get now, the easier it will be to find the right partner in the future.

[Nani]

I'm going to provide a dissenting opinion and say that the lack of sexual attraction is not the issue here, but your lack of communication. The fact that she has went and made all these plans without consulting your feelings about them is a sign that you two are not on the same wavelength. She's a hundred steps ahead of you, so naturally you feel uneasy, and this feeling permeates to every aspect of your relationship. You need to talk to her. If there's no understanding, emotional connection fades and the relationship starts to go downhill. Consequently, it starts to look hopeless and attraction fades.

Be careful not to fall into the trap of making sexual attraction all important - it can't hold a relationship together; at least, not in any meaningful way. Trust, understanding, and all those other wonderful qualities found in friendship do. Many times, attraction only grows after these are cultivated in a relationship, so perhaps you should make sure they are in place before you question the sexual component.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck!

[kalbo]

JSB: Well I wouldn't put too much importance on the initial stages of our relationship because everything was exciting at that point, including the sex. But when that part ended, all that was left was a good friendship. So what I'm thinking is that nothing really changed, it was more like, there was nothing there to begin with (other than friendship). Not sure if that makes sense.

Nani: Thanks for the kind words! She actually did consult me with her plans, but I felt that she ignored how I didn't give a straight forward answer so that she can continue dreaming. You're right that communication on this subject was terribly lacking, but aside from this, our communication was pretty good.

I do agree with you about the fact that we were on different wavelengths (in terms of goals) and how it affected other aspects of our relationship. It could very well be the main factor that affected intimacy.

[Mark4Change]

Well it sounds to me like you have already made your decision. If these things niggle at you they always will. When you find the right one you will know.

[HOOKnLADDER]

Kalbo, I am going through a very similar situation. You mind if I throw mine out here and you and anyone else give me your thoughts?

[HOOKnLADDER]

I have been dating my gf for 4 yrs now. We started off really strong. I too also put looks a little bit on the side and fell in love with a lot of traits in her personality. We moved in actually very quickly because it was so much more conveinant because of distance, gas, and time. We get along great but I am having the same issues with looks. They seem to have creeped up on me. Its so hard though because for the first time I actually found a gf that has a lot that I look for in a wife. The problem is that everything I don't like about our relationship kinda all falls back on her weight. I will go a little more in depth if you would like me to. I really need some bias advice because I have felt like this for a year now. I sit here and weigh my pros and cons and there are always more pros than the cons but the cons are weighted so heavily that it always balances 50/50 between them and then I just get frustrated. I have to be honest that I am a little scared to call it off because I would royally regret it if I find out weeks, months, later that I made a big mistake for being shallow.

[funchy]

Originally Posted by kalbo

The problem I find myself in is that I see her looking at houses and babies and I can feel the subtle *sigh* she lets out. It pains me to know that I'm causing her to put a hold on her dreams just for me. And worst of all, I'm not even sure if she's the one so she could be waiting for nothing.

The kindest thing you can do is to cut her loose. It's going to hurt. But if she wants the whole kids-family-marriage thing and you don't, one of you is going to be miserable every day.

It's nice you're considerate of her feelings and dreams. She needs to be considerate of yours. Not everyone wants to do the kids-family thing, especially at your young age. I'm a female in my 30s and I still haven't had kids, and I am very happy not to. I may some day, but once you have kids *everything* changes and your life is never yours again. You have decades of life ahead of you, and when the time is right to want a wife/kids, you'll know it. Don't shortchange yourself.

[kalbo]

Update: After going on a break, I reached the conclusion that ending the relationship is the right thing to do. It's been a rough time, but I thank you all for the advice and support.


@HOOKnLADDER: I don't mind you adding your story here but I think it's best that you start your own thread to get more answers directed to you. And really, your situation is different from mine. The thing that really tore our relationship apart (from what I can tell now) is the issue of kids/family. I wasn't ready for all of that and she was. I think that was really what prevented me from getting too close to her. I admit, I'm sure I could do better in the looks department, but it was something I could look past. And besides she's actually a pretty decent looking gal. I've even witnessed guys hitting on her amongst groups of other women (meaning they'd single her out).

My opinion about your situation: If weight is the only issue you have with her, then you should still stay with her. Looks fade away for both men and women, so it's the other things that should really matter.

But I do understand how the weight will bother you. My advice is to tactfully tell her to start living a healthy lifestyle. What worked for me in the past was to actually lead by example. I stopped eating junk food (as best as I could lol) and cooked for the both of us and it was nothing but healthy foods with lots of veggies, lean meats and unprocessed carbs. I also exercised regulary and begged her to come workout with me once in a while. I told her to come with me as more of an activity we can do together than for her to lose weight.

But to be honest, my ex at the time wasn't exactly overweight. She was really just out of shape and needed to work on toning her body. So in your case, you're going to have to be more tactful so as not to hurt her feelings and get her defensive. I would start by leading by example and if she doesn't catch on, then sit her down for chat. Remember to tell her how much you love and care for her regardless of her weight, but also let her know that looks do matter to you. Let her know how it will benefit the relationship, like how you'll do more activities together and have a better sex life. You may also would like to let her know how you'd want her in your life for a very long time so it's important that she maintain a healthy lifestyle.

It'll be hard finding a tactful way to say all of those things. I'm sure some ladies could help you out.


@funchy: Yup, that's exactly what I did and I'm sure it's the right decision. The whole issue of kids is crucial in a relationship. If both aren't on the same page then it most likely won't work out (which happened in my case).