Inexperienced and Feeling Answerless!

[David21]

This is hard for me to talk about, but I'll give it a go.

My life hasn't been normal - far from it in fact. In summary, I was abused by my father until the age of 15. He then left the family. I am now 22 and for the past 7 years I have been struggling with depression, OCD and some other bothersome troubles.

As you can imagine, I have not been able to do all the normal things that would be expected as I grew older: I didn't go to parties, I didn't really have friends, I've never had a girlfriend and generally life has been pretty miserable. I should say, though, that I am now in uni, but things still aren't too different.

What bothers me most, however, is that I haven't had a partner; I've never even kissed a girl. I struggle with this on a daily basis, wondering whether I will ever be in a relationship. It is true, I am quite aware that I am not alone in this predicament and that many others are like me. But that doesn't make it any easier. I have a facebook account and sometimes I have had a little look at my friend's profiles. Often what I see is that they've had so much experience in relationship, experience that I haven't had. Sometimes these people are younger than me, and it just hurts to think I've missed so much.

As a boy, I do have quite strong sexual urges and these bother me most. I don't know how to beat them, I don't know how to deal with them. Sure, 'self-help', if you know what I mean, does the trick for a while, but then the urges are back and I'm stuck yet again in the same boat.

I've had a lot of time to think about relationships and judging by the posts I've read on here, they're not easy. I know that relationships are not everything, even though they are promoted in every aspect of our lives, but this knowledge doesn't stop me from wanting it any more.

Is there any way, do you think, to rise above these primitive physiological feelings I have? I know they're normal and are party responsible for you and me existing today, but sex isn't everything.

I'm not sure what exactly the purpose of this post was. Maybe it was to vent, maybe it was a cry for help of some kind, maybe it was a flicker of insanity, I don't know. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. The wiser part of me I feel is not worrying about this predicament; indeed, it knows that everything is going to be all right. I'm not sure what else to say....thanks for reading!

[brendannz]

1/ you're not alone, nobody has a normal life..
and
2/ "to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance" - Oscar Wilde

[saintssupporter]

Originally Posted by brendannz

1/ you're not alone, nobody has a normal life..
and
2/ "to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance" - Oscar Wilde

Love the Oscar Wilde Quote Brendan! Well mate the one thing I can say it focus on making friends and then take it from there and the rest should fall into place. I didnt kiss anyone till I was 17 (I was a late starter myself) and then over ten years I moved out of the rural community where I lived and went to college, made some good friends and now ten years on I havent looked back. Focus on making friends with similar interests, this will open up opportunities for you and you will then be engaging with like minded people. Perhaps you could try a lonely hearts advert, they are a great way IMO of just meeting other people whom are looking for the same and finally why not get out there and start getting out with your friends you have on facebook and get to know their friends etc. and so on......

[Gozunn]

Hi there,

I can't really say I know what you're going through because I haven't experienced those same circumstances but maybe I do know to some extent.

In my earlier teens I didn't go out much and due to certain social inexperience it was hard to get myself in a 'stable' position where I would be able to blend in with society. Anyways I won't bore you with any of this; the problem I realized was my mindset .

In my scenario I was trying too hard to be like everyone else, and the more I tried the more I faltered. Then one day I took some time to notice what 'socially successful' people (if such a term exists) had in common. And it hit me, they didn't have a need to be like everyone else similar to many insecure people, they just went and acted themselves.

The thing of it is, if you're attempting this: Stop trying to fit in and focus on standing out. Be free, enjoy every interaction you make instead of trying so hard to decipher what other people's perception of you is. Make new connections and chat freely with everyone you meet, yes even the guy at the counter who you just bought something from and you'll probably never even see again.

the secret is to express not to impress.

Don't live life by the 'rules', instead seek out the best and most interesting path. Why would you want a partner? To keep you company and to have someone who loves you and satisfy you? Sure, I understand that craving but its basically the root of neediness. And that's the one thing that's not going to help you or any other male when it comes to women. Instead look at the people in your life and say to yourself: 'what can I give to them?' Believe it or not, helping someone else is the easiest way to solving your own problems (in fact RIGHT NOW i'm solving my own problem by attempting to help you, SO thanks!)

Women are insecure in ways you can't possibly imagine, what you have to do is find ways to make their life better. Approach women you don't know, sure it can be a drag if you're rejected but who cares! Who gives a crap? As long as you're putting yourself out there in a genuine care-free way people will help you and will appreciate you.

As for parties? You want to go to a party? Then just go! You're going alone you say? Who cares! Just go alone and try and meet some new people (don't be the guy that stands by some wall for an hour before he leaves cause that's no fun at all). Approach everything with enthusiasm and energy and you'll go far my friend. Stop thinking about what other people have experienced and stop focusing on the negative points in your life, instead think of positive influences in your life and try and live in the moment.

My advice would be to constantly put yourself in a situation where you're bound to interact with people. Don't try and seek peace in a secluded spot but rather go find the most crowded place and meet some new people, don't even give a damn about what you're going to say just say the first thing that pops into your head (as long as its not offensive).

Uni is a place where you can easily make friends too, just focus on having a good time and if there are certain people that make you feel negatively about yourself just don't see them anymore!

I'm not saying it will be easy, changing your mindset can be very hard (there's an article about it on stevepavlina but I can't be bothered to find it). Its an uphill battle; trust me I know and it will be even harder for you because you're in a much worse position than I was. I know I'm not being very encouraging but persist on and learn from your mistakes. When you finally get somewhere you'll be better than all your colleagues.

Take it as if life has given you a challenge and if you overcome it you will be rewarded to a better position than your peers.

Another important thing to remember and one that my father has always preached is: 'you're second to none', don't ever let anybody get you down but as an extension to that, don't ever try and make someone else feel down to boost your own self-esteem, it won't help you make any friends.

Remember:
Express don't impress.

As for women, well i'm going to reference you to one guy who I know will inspire your way of thinking:

Zan Perrion.

It is no surprise that I heard his name mentioned when Steve started his polyamory project. The guy is marvellous; he's not like all the other 'dating gurus' who focus on getting into a woman's pants (and who are utterly unhelpful), read his stuff at Zan Perrion - Way of Attraction and I'm sure he'll help you even in the most miniscule way.

Anyways I'm not saying that my advice is gold, I'm just saying that I was in a similar situation to yours and I've just described how I overcame such problems.

Good luck and don't let life get you down!!!

[JSB]

Hi David21,

It sounds like this has been a tough situation for you.

I'm not going to give you "tactics" advice on relationships, etc., but I did want to comment on your issue.

I'm sure it must be difficult feeling "behind" your friends and not having the same experience they do. Don't worry about this; I don't mean: "ignore the issue and pretend is doesn't bother you". I mean that you should recognize this is your life and your journey, and other people's timetables don't mean a damn thing.

You don't have the experience others have, but you have the means to gain experience and learn how to have fullfilling relationships in your life. You may be starting "behind", but that doesn't matter anywhere near as much as it may feel to you now -- if you can learn to approach love and relationships consciously, with an open heart (while still looking after your own well-being), cultivate respect for yourself and others, and be receptive to learning and growing from every new experience, you will soon be far ahead of most others in your depth of knowledge and understanding.

You certainly have some issues to address and some things to learn, but don't get down on yourself about it. You absolutely can improve your life and develop the types of relationships you want; just recognize that everyone has to start somewhere.

[Roxon]

Hi David21

your past has affected you and it may help to examine the beliefs (about relationships and trust, about yourself and others etc) in a journal perhaps. It could help you to get to what is the core of it all for you.

Rather than seeing yourself defined by your past, perhaps you can see the suffering as a gift of strength and depth of character.
Rather than compare yourself to others and seeing yourself as behind in experience, maybe just know that its all yours once you are really ready for it.

If you start to uncover beliefs that are blocking you, perhaps EFT will help you ( Silvia Hartmann - EmoTrance, Project Sanctuary, Energy Psychology, Art, Metaphor, Fairy Tales, EFT, NLP, Energy Hypnosis, Creativity: Personal Development Tools Created By Dr Silvia Hartmann )

best wishes