How do you handle people who don't take you seriously?

[Rockchick26]

Specifically this situation:
Have you ever had a bunch of things that you were interested in and wanted to try but never did and then suddenly you made a plan to do them, and your friends/family reacted by laughing at you and saying "Why would you wanna do that, that isn't like you at all!" or "You've never been interested in that, why suddenly now!?" And they act like you're a wierdo for wanting to try these things.

I've been reading this book that is changing my life and naturally I've been excited about it so I'm telling everyone about all the stuff I'm gonna do, and none of them are taking me seriously. They either roll their eyes and politely keep quiet or they protest and say "Oh that would be stupid, you aren't the kind of person who would do something like that!" Well how would they KNOW if i've always kept it inside?

And the same thing happens when they find out something about me and they're shocked and they're like "You're like that!? I didnt know that!" or "I can't believe that came out of your mouth!". How do you react when people react this way? It's like they want me to be a certain way and if I'm not then suddenly I'm pretending to be someone else, but really this IS me, they just don't want it to be! It really bothers me that everyone that knows me sees me this way when inside I really am different than what they think.

How do you deal with people like this!? It's hard to live a fullfilling life when EVERYONE in your life isn't supporting you and doesn't want to see you explore new things. Or in the 2nd example, it's hard to be yourself when everyone around you has always thought you were one way and they can't accept that you aren't like that.

[aggie]

gee, some of what you said sound kinda like trying to express an opinion on how you feel about something on this forum

seriously, it is your life...if you are just intrerested in positive, creative, fulfilling things than you cannot let others stand in your way.

it is hard to not have not only the support but the validation of those we care about with our decisions.

i have had that problem myself and while difficult, i have tried to remain true to myself as much as possible.

sometimes we are ever changing, i know i am, and while intially i may be hurt by the surprise of a new self i may project not being immediately accepted...i find when other people realize this is you and it is making you happy, they will get use to it too.

[Grindin]

my response to something like that is along the lines off...

"psshhhhh, whatever dude/dad/mom/girl you dont know what im capable of." this is usually accompanied by a look of disapproval of the person saying that to me.

[drakecatz]

You sound like you might be young. All you have to do is start doing what you are talking about. Then you should get the support you want. It's an easy fix as there is action you can take. You don't have to be mentally stuck.

I say you might be young, as it is usually young people who will surprise by finally letting their true self come through. And their "elders" will most likely try to continue to control them.

As far as people not taking you seriously in general? I have that experience with someone right now. they will always be an aquaintance rather than a friend because of it.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by drakecatz

You sound like you might be young. All you have to do is start doing what you are talking about. Then you should get the support you want. It's an easy fix as there is action you can take. You don't have to be mentally stuck.

I say you might be young, as it is usually young people who will surprise by finally letting their true self come through. And their "elders" will most likely try to continue to control them.

As far as people not taking you seriously in general? I have that experience with someone right now. they will always be an aquaintance rather than a friend because of it.

Actually I don't think I'm as young as you're thinking, I'll be 37 in a few weeks. Which is why people are so shocked when they learn more about me because they've known me so long and I'm pretty well established as how they know me, but it's just wrong!

[Declan JJ Lestat]

An old martial arts instructor of mine once said "Save your poetry for poets. Give your garbage to the garbage man."

It's easy to get evangelical about personal development stuff, especially when you find something that you feel really good about. Trouble is, especially with the people you're talking about, it's often easier and safer for them to disbelieve the ideas in your book. If they were to admit to you or themselves that you're doing a good thing by improving yourself, they raise the question "Why haven't I done this?!" - I know I did when I first found Tony Robbins work!

If/when the time is right for them, they'll seek out their own change, but until then it's up to people like you to lead by example. Then when they ask "How the hell did you do that?!" you can recommend the book, seminar, whatever.

Lucky for you, you don't need anyone's approval to do what you need to do!

[James81]

Hmmm, I've had similar reactions to books I've read. (btw, I think it's a bit of a misnomer to say that a book is changing your life...a book can't do that, only you can. )

I'd read something, get really inspired by it, and start doing things that weren't like me at all only to discover why they weren't like me. So be careful in making any major life decisions based off the high of reading a good book. (btw, I phrase it like that because to some, reading a good book is like a drug in that it alters your state but wears off very quickly) Don't just go out and make major life altering changes based on what one book says (or how it makes you feel). Make sure that those types of things are things that are congruent with who you are.

As for your issue with your family? Consider the idea that you are telling people what you are GOING to do because you crave the attention and not necessarily because you want to do it. A good way to see if this is the case is to make a personal resolve with yourself (like I had to do) that you aren't going to tell people what you are going to do. You are only going to tell them what you have DONE.

That will get you a much better, more supportive reaction.

[Brutha]

Prove them wrong.

Apart from that it's a good idea to seek friends who do accept yourself the way you want to be.

[BlackWigger]

Originally Posted by James81

As for your issue with your family? Consider the idea that you are telling people what you are GOING to do because you crave the attention and not necessarily because you want to do it. A good way to see if this is the case is to make a personal resolve with yourself (like I had to do) that you aren't going to tell people what you are going to do. You are only going to tell them what you have DONE.

That will get you a much better, more supportive reaction.

Wouldn't this be the same ? Hell, I find that this would be an even bigger attention incentive. Because I actually DID it, instead of talking about DOING it. I guess my ego already made the distinction between the achievement value of these 2 separate things.

[saintssupporter]

Originally Posted by BlackWigger

Wouldn't this be the same ? Hell, I find that this would be an even bigger attention incentive. Because I actually DID it, instead of talking about DOING it. I guess my ego already made the distinction between the achievement value of these 2 separate things.

Top Quality post. What really stood out for me was "Because I actually DID it, instead of talking about DOING it"

[Declan JJ Lestat]

Originally Posted by BlackWigger

Because I actually DID it, instead of talking about DOING it. I guess my ego already made the distinction between the achievement value of these 2 separate things.

Good advice in general - talk about what you've DONE. Not what you're going to do. Like it.

For better or worse some people just feel you're preaching to them - telling them how to live their life, not that you're coming from a place of compassion or concern.

That said, there are plenty of people out there who have walked the path you're on now. Seek them out. Get them to talk about what they've done too! :P

[James81]

Originally Posted by BlackWigger

Wouldn't this be the same ? Hell, I find that this would be an even bigger attention incentive. Because I actually DID it, instead of talking about DOING it. I guess my ego already made the distinction between the achievement value of these 2 separate things.

Well, we all crave attention, but the idea is that you are only "rewarding" yourself with attention for the things you've already done, not the things you are going to do.

If you get the reward before you do the deed, you're less apt to do the deed. In a way, it's kind of an incentive. You still get the attention, but you only get it when you do something.

[BloomVerse]

Let go of wanting their approval and also let go of resisting their responses to what you say. You cannot change other people, but you have full ability to decide not to suffer over what they think. The fast-track to finding peace with it is to let go of resisting them and let go of wanting their approval.

Hope this helps!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Declan JJ Lestat

An old martial arts instructor of mine once said "Save your poetry for poets. Give your garbage to the garbage man."

It's easy to get evangelical about personal development stuff, especially when you find something that you feel really good about. Trouble is, especially with the people you're talking about, it's often easier and safer for them to disbelieve the ideas in your book. If they were to admit to you or themselves that you're doing a good thing by improving yourself, they raise the question "Why haven't I done this?!" - I know I did when I first found Tony Robbins work!

If/when the time is right for them, they'll seek out their own change, but until then it's up to people like you to lead by example. Then when they ask "How the hell did you do that?!" you can recommend the book, seminar, whatever.

Lucky for you, you don't need anyone's approval to do what you need to do!

Very true! I never thought of it that way, that they would just feel inferior compared to me. Well, I have about 20 things on my list so they better get used to it!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by James81

Hmmm, I've had similar reactions to books I've read. (btw, I think it's a bit of a misnomer to say that a book is changing your life...a book can't do that, only you can. )

I'd read something, get really inspired by it, and start doing things that weren't like me at all only to discover why they weren't like me. So be careful in making any major life decisions based off the high of reading a good book. (btw, I phrase it like that because to some, reading a good book is like a drug in that it alters your state but wears off very quickly) Don't just go out and make major life altering changes based on what one book says (or how it makes you feel). Make sure that those types of things are things that are congruent with who you are.

Well the reason why I say this about this book is because for a few years now I've been struggling with what to do with my life, should I go to school, if so, for what...because I had literally about 20 careers I wanted to get into. It was paralyzing me just to think about it. And this book is specifically for people like me who can't choose a career. So now that I know this is okay, and have the tools and the right steps to take to make this happen, I feel like I've been locked in a dungeon and now I'm being set free into the sky! Corny analogy but it's really that amazing. I've felt like a different person and I haven't had any symptoms of stress in the last few days, and I'm truly excited for my future for the first time!!

As for your issue with your family? Consider the idea that you are telling people what you are GOING to do because you crave the attention and not necessarily because you want to do it. A good way to see if this is the case is to make a personal resolve with yourself (like I had to do) that you aren't going to tell people what you are going to do. You are only going to tell them what you have DONE.

That will get you a much better, more supportive reaction.

Oh I'm not doing this for attention at all, in fact I don't like attention from my family. I'm a private person (at least with them), they don't even know most of all the things I want to do. I've already done some of them and haven't told them yet and see no reason to (partly because I don't want them to freak out and think there's something wrong with me).

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Prove them wrong.

Apart from that it's a good idea to seek friends who do accept yourself the way you want to be.

Seeking new friends opens up another problem though, because then my old friends (and family) both feel rejected. I can't count how many times my dad has gotten upset because I made even more friends (he already thinks I have too many-only because that means I'm more busy and less time for him then). And one of my friends is kinda jealous that I have other friends too, and she is NOTHING like me so she is the main one that reacts badly when I broaden my horizons and she isn't into that. Or when I spend time with other friends, it bugs her and she has to compensate by making even more plans with me. How do you go about making entirely new friends without disrupting the old ones?

[James81]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Well the reason why I say this about this book is because for a few years now I've been struggling with what to do with my life, should I go to school, if so, for what...because I had literally about 20 careers I wanted to get into. It was paralyzing me just to think about it. And this book is specifically for people like me who can't choose a career. So now that I know this is okay, and have the tools and the right steps to take to make this happen, I feel like I've been locked in a dungeon and now I'm being set free into the sky! Corny analogy but it's really that amazing. I've felt like a different person and I haven't had any symptoms of stress in the last few days, and I'm truly excited for my future for the first time!!

Oh, in that case, I'd love to know what book it is your reading so I can read it for myslef. (I'm facing the same issue)

[MyEyeIsOpen]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Seeking new friends opens up another problem though, because then my old friends (and family) both feel rejected. I can't count how many times my dad has gotten upset because I made even more friends (he already thinks I have too many-only because that means I'm more busy and less time for him then). And one of my friends is kinda jealous that I have other friends too, and she is NOTHING like me so she is the main one that reacts badly when I broaden my horizons and she isn't into that. Or when I spend time with other friends, it bugs her and she has to compensate by making even more plans with me. How do you go about making entirely new friends without disrupting the old ones?

Sounds like you need to find people who are going to be supportive of your desire to change and grow. The best way to do that is to change and grow. You'll leave people behind who aren't comfortable with it, and discover people along the way who are doing it with you.

[neomonk]

First, if you have a history of talking without doing its fair for people to believe you will do the same this time.

Second you have to do for you, when you start doing the things you talk about people will change their perception of you.

If you are already in the middle of doing what you want to do and people are still being discouraging, it's likely because people want whats familiar and you changing your habits would force them to change their perceptions of you.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by James81

Oh, in that case, I'd love to know what book it is your reading so I can read it for myslef. (I'm facing the same issue)

It has a really long title so I'll just give you the link to it on Amazon!

Amazon.com: Refuse to Choose!: Use All of Your Interests, Passions, and Hobbies to Create the Life and Career of Your Dreams (9781594866265): Barbara Sher: Books

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by MyEyeIsOpen

Sounds like you need to find people who are going to be supportive of your desire to change and grow. The best way to do that is to change and grow. You'll leave people behind who aren't comfortable with it, and discover people along the way who are doing it with you.

Well I guess my question was how do you do that, without causing problems with your friends? All my friends i've had for a minimum of 7 or 8 years, and some as long as 20, and I don't think anything is worth losing them for.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by neomonk

First, if you have a history of talking without doing its fair for people to believe you will do the same this time.

Well I only talk about some of the things to some people, and most of these things would cost a few thousand dollars so I've just never had the opportunity to do them before.

Second you have to do for you, when you start doing the things you talk about people will change their perception of you.

If you are already in the middle of doing what you want to do and people are still being discouraging, it's likely because people want whats familiar and you changing your habits would force them to change their perceptions of you.

Yeah, I agree with all of that! Hopefully it'll get better the more stuff I can do to prove them wrong. And that 2nd part is definately true, it shakes up their life and it's almost like finding out one of your friends or family members has a multiple personality disorder!

[BlackWigger]

Originally Posted by saintssupporter

Top Quality post. What really stood out for me was "Because I actually DID it, instead of talking about DOING it"

I'm not sure you understood my point

[Alexjstrandberg]

Early on in my life I made a decision to live the life that I wanted to live regardless of how other people felt about it.

If on the other hand I lived for others and what they wanted to do I would end up very miserable and unhappy. Since people rarely want to be around miserable people (unless they are miserable themselves) they would want to be around me less and less if I altered my personality. They would be "happy" for a little while but my incongruence, pretending and being miserable would cause them to leave me or withdraw a great deal. It's ironic that you tried to please them and trying to please them resulted in you loosing them.

Understand that no matter what title a person holds (friend, mother, father etc.) they are still people with judgments and fears. They might not understand or unconditionally love what you do. If you accept this than it will be much easier dealing with their reactions. The more you expect people to accept it the more frustration will come into your life. Some people need further understanding to come to accept it but for most this will offer little to no help.

Trust in abundance

There are a good bit of people who will judge or even laugh in your face about your interests, there are a lot of people who would not only accept it but encourage it. These are the people you will feel a deeper connection with and have a far more healthier relationship with-find these people.

You still feel vulnerable revealing this part of yourself to others. Take this and use it as an opportunity to stop caring what other people think of you and become more congruent. This problem arises because of fear, whatever that fear may be, and you can learn how to eliminate this fear by entering situations that you talked about.

[Dreamline]

Over my life, I have learned that one does not announce their plans and automatically expect support. It's just more realistic for the average person to feel the need to point out flaws rather than be gung-ho regarding your adventures.

I learned this from my experiences with my mom who was generally a supportive person in my life. But she would weigh everything against her extremely security-oriented, poverty mentality position in life and then find a millions reasons why I shouldn't do something. She wanted to know what I was up to but when I told her, she would judge and warn. So I learned to be secretive about a great many things. What it did was make me extremely self-sufficient.

I don't even tell my husband what I am planning until the last minute, unless, out of respect, it would directly affect his life. He's the closest person to me. I plan, ponder, perfect and execute my plans without any input because people, in their zest to help you avoid pitfalls, will find ANY little reason why you should be careful or not do something. You have to remember that they are basing everything on THEIR OWN perspectives and it is already, therefore, not pertinent to you.

I'd be more inclined, if I had questions, to ask in a random public forum like this to get an idea of whether or not I was missing something important in my planning process. But even here, details should be kept to a minimum because people will poison you with their own fears and judgements. I believe those judgements have real vibrational power and can derail you subconsciously and even physically.

Jennifer

[Dreamline]

Oh, PS: I loved Barbara Sher's book. I'm a scanner too but hadn't handled it well over my life. I developed the tendency to be rather paralyzed by my inability to "know" what I wanted to be when I grew up. And my tendency to flit from interest to interest. I never finish projects.

But when I read her book, especially the part where she says that scanners aren't lacking in persistence or committment, they basically lose interest in a topic or a project when they have gotten out of it what they desired, it freed me. So I don't look upon it as a dysfunction anymore.

But you have to eventually pick something to earn a living. That comes first. I feel that if you are a person that belongs in society, you cannot be a burden to society and must contribute on some level, to support yourself. So I have chosen a career that satisfies me on a couple levels even if it's not perfect. With scanners, there is no perfect.

She has a forum on her website that I enjoy.

Jennifer

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

Early on in my life I made a decision to live the life that I wanted to live regardless of how other people felt about it.

If on the other hand I lived for others and what they wanted to do I would end up very miserable and unhappy. Since people rarely want to be around miserable people (unless they are miserable themselves) they would want to be around me less and less if I altered my personality. They would be "happy" for a little while but my incongruence, pretending and being miserable would cause them to leave me or withdraw a great deal. It's ironic that you tried to please them and trying to please them resulted in you loosing them.

Understand that no matter what title a person holds (friend, mother, father etc.) they are still people with judgments and fears. They might not understand or unconditionally love what you do. If you accept this than it will be much easier dealing with their reactions. The more you expect people to accept it the more frustration will come into your life. Some people need further understanding to come to accept it but for most this will offer little to no help.

Trust in abundance

There are a good bit of people who will judge or even laugh in your face about your interests, there are a lot of people who would not only accept it but encourage it. These are the people you will feel a deeper connection with and have a far more healthier relationship with-find these people.

You still feel vulnerable revealing this part of yourself to others. Take this and use it as an opportunity to stop caring what other people think of you and become more congruent. This problem arises because of fear, whatever that fear may be, and you can learn how to eliminate this fear by entering situations that you talked about.

It's interesting you say that living your life for yourself makes you happier...it seems like it should be true. But I guess I've had too many instances where people have made MY life hell for living it how I wanted. My relationship with my dad is totally screwed up because I am not living my life how he thinks I should live it. And it has caused a lot of stress in both our lives, and I wouldn't call that happy. So it's a tough decision...do I live my life for me and have to deal with a bad father/daughter relationship or do I live my life partly to save my dad from having a heart attack because I'm causing him stress!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Dreamline

Over my life, I have learned that one does not announce their plans and automatically expect support. It's just more realistic for the average person to feel the need to point out flaws rather than be gung-ho regarding your adventures.

I learned this from my experiences with my mom who was generally a supportive person in my life. But she would weigh everything against her extremely security-oriented, poverty mentality position in life and then find a millions reasons why I shouldn't do something. She wanted to know what I was up to but when I told her, she would judge and warn. So I learned to be secretive about a great many things. What it did was make me extremely self-sufficient.

I don't even tell my husband what I am planning until the last minute, unless, out of respect, it would directly affect his life. He's the closest person to me. I plan, ponder, perfect and execute my plans without any input because people, in their zest to help you avoid pitfalls, will find ANY little reason why you should be careful or not do something. You have to remember that they are basing everything on THEIR OWN perspectives and it is already, therefore, not pertinent to you.

I'd be more inclined, if I had questions, to ask in a random public forum like this to get an idea of whether or not I was missing something important in my planning process. But even here, details should be kept to a minimum because people will poison you with their own fears and judgements. I believe those judgements have real vibrational power and can derail you subconsciously and even physically.

Jennifer

I wish your strategy worked for me! I've tried this many times, only to have it backfire on me later. For example, I wanted to take a road trip to see a concert, by myself. I didn't tell my dad because I knew he'd freak out and try to talk me out of it. But he found out afterwards (I forget how) and he got even MORE upset, on top of what I did he was upset because I didn't tell him beforehand! And now, he is always asking me if I'm going on any trips again! So do I lie or not!? Ugh it's giving me a stomachache right now just thinking about it. One time my brother went on a trip without telling him too, and when I told my dad, he went ballistic! And he complained about how me and my brother never tell him anything.

The other problem I've encountered with this is if I don't tell people what I'm doing (friends, in this case) and then tell them afterwards, they get this look of "why didn't you tell me!?" on their face and they get all quiet like we're not as close as we used to be or something. Or they feel left out because I'm doing fun things without them.

I just can't win!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Dreamline

Oh, PS: I loved Barbara Sher's book. I'm a scanner too but hadn't handled it well over my life. I developed the tendency to be rather paralyzed by my inability to "know" what I wanted to be when I grew up. And my tendency to flit from interest to interest. I never finish projects.

But when I read her book, especially the part where she says that scanners aren't lacking in persistence or committment, they basically lose interest in a topic or a project when they have gotten out of it what they desired, it freed me. So I don't look upon it as a dysfunction anymore.

But you have to eventually pick something to earn a living. That comes first. I feel that if you are a person that belongs in society, you cannot be a burden to society and must contribute on some level, to support yourself. So I have chosen a career that satisfies me on a couple levels even if it's not perfect. With scanners, there is no perfect.

She has a forum on her website that I enjoy.

Jennifer

I felt the same freeing feeling after reading her book! I also joined the forum but i'm not sure if the one i joined is from her site or not, it's this one: ScannersRefusetoChoose.com • Index page

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong in society, (not just because I'm a scanner and can't choose one career) but for other reasons. But for the time being I am going to probably get a job working in an office since knowing how to type is my only skill. Then i'll work on the other areas in my spare time and try to build multiple streams of income.

[Dreamline]

I forgot...how old are you? If you are over 21, your dad needs a little pat on the head when he acts like that. A kiss on the cheek and a smile. Cute but no longer appropriate reactions, even for a parent.

You are mistaking your friend's reactions for demands. They are reacting but have no right to demand from you. You don't need anyone's permission or prejudgement and if your friends demand that from you, it's coming from THEIR ego, not any wrongdoing on your part. They should be supportive no matter what period along the timeline of a project you decide to confide in them. They need a little pat and a smile too.

Jennifer