Open vs closed

[dulaney0330]

Robert Firestone, one of my favorite psychologists, believes that open relationships are the most ideal since they do not have the resentment seen in closed relationships.

Agree? Disagree?

I do not believe its so black and white. I favor monogamous relationships because I find the most fulfillment in that.

[ssandra]

I agree...

I know my husband is with me because he wants to, not because he is obligated to.

Open relationships work only if there is no jealousy... I feel the same if he goes to have breakfast with some friends as when he goes to "entertain" himself with some female friends.

On my side... even when I can go out and find somebody else to "entertain" myself with, I rather sit on the couch watch tv with my husband... for me that is the perfect marriage.

[spirit4711]

I tend to agree with Firestone. Look at relationships around you, and how much resentment can be present. Where does that resentment come from? I don't have hard evidence but I believe that the fallacy of monogamy forced upon us is a major factor. We 'must' be monogamous.

If one consciously chooses monogamy that's fine of course. But how many people choose out of fear, jealousy, cultural pressures?

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

I tend to agree with Firestone. Look at relationships around you, and how much resentment can be present. Where does that resentment come from? I don't have hard evidence but I believe that the fallacy of monogamy forced upon us is a major factor. We 'must' be monogamous.

If one consciously chooses monogamy that's fine of course. But how many people choose out of fear, jealousy, cultural pressures?

I agree that there are societal/family expectations that idealize monogamy and many probably choose out of fear, guilt, standards of their family, and lots of pressure from culture.

At the end of the day, we must find what gives us the most fulfillment in a healthy way; not self-seeking or self-serving but rather a partnership and in being honest and open.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I agree...

I know my husband is with me because he wants to, not because he is obligated to.

Open relationships work only if there is no jealousy... I feel the same if he goes to have breakfast with some friends as when he goes to "entertain" himself with some female friends.

On my side... even when I can go out and find somebody else to "entertain" myself with, I rather sit on the couch watch tv with my husband... for me that is the perfect marriage.

Exactly. I feel the same with my husband. There are obviously cuter and more charismatic men out there but I mesh so well with him that I dont have a desire to be in multiple relationships.

It just kind of makes me wonder why Firestone would believe this since he studied families for years. He must have seen a lot of resentment in most marriages to come to this conclusion. But, then again, a lot of us shouldn't be in committed relationships!

[Yellow]

My bf recently suggested we go open. I have always thought of relationships as monogamous, at least thought mine would be. I like the idea of it but my fear and possessiveness (that I didn't know I had) make it VERY difficult. How did you guys make the emotional transition to an open relationship?

When I think about us far out in the future, or any long term relationship, it sounds like a stupid idea to assume that neither one of us would get physically attracted to any one at all. And I like the idea of being able to have my (sexual) fun outside of the relationship, as well. I also will be very proud of myself if I could bring myself to open up enough to provide us with something very few relationships allow. However, the transition is very difficult, emotionally.

We have a great relationship and I guess it feels like it deserves to break the norms just because of how great we are together. I feel that we CAN handle it and we should give it a try because we DO have the ability. But I am not emotionally there yet and don't see myself getting there for years. So, I am wondering how you guys made the emotional transition, especially if it was your SO's idea..

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by Yellow

My bf recently suggested we go open. I have always thought of relationships as monogamous, at least thought mine would be. I like the idea of it but my fear and possessiveness (that I didn't know I had) make it VERY difficult. How did you guys make the emotional transition to an open relationship?

When I think about us far out in the future, or any long term relationship, it sounds like a stupid idea to assume that neither one of us would get physically attracted to any one at all. And I like the idea of being able to have my (sexual) fun outside of the relationship, as well. I also will be very proud of myself if I could bring myself to open up enough to provide us with something very few relationships allow. However, the transition is very difficult, emotionally.

We have a great relationship and I guess it feels like it deserves to break the norms just because of how great we are together. I feel that we CAN handle it and we should give it a try because we DO have the ability. But I am not emotionally there yet and don't see myself getting there for years. So, I am wondering how you guys made the emotional transition, especially if it was your SO's idea..

I have never been in an open relationship, although I have dated more than one guy at a time (not sure if that counts). While it was fun and I indulged my youth, there was still this part of me that wanted to feel special and I didn't feel that in an open relationship. While that wasn't the whole reason for my insight, I enjoy committing myself to one person. It's easy to date many people but its tough work to remain loyal. Perhaps that is where the ultimate fulfillment lies.

[Dreamline]

I was briefly involved in a so-called open relationship that turned out was only open if it was the wife that was doing the deed with someone else. When hubby tried to recruit me into their perfect and expanding circle of love, she flipped her wig, started harrassing and stalking me and went basically psycho.

So my belief that they can work is strongly biased by my own negative story and others that I have heard.

Jennifer

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

I have never been in an open relationship, although I have dated more than one guy at a time (not sure if that counts). While it was fun and I indulged my youth, there was still this part of me that wanted to feel special and I didn't feel that in an open relationship. While that wasn't the whole reason for my insight, I enjoy committing myself to one person. It's easy to date many people but its tough work to remain loyal. Perhaps that is where the ultimate fulfillment lies.

Just for clarification... I feel special in my relationship, I fully commit myself to my husband. I am 100% loyal to him, and yes this is not always easy.

In my opinion this has nothing to do with open or closed relationships.

It is ok if you feel that closed is better for you, but it doesn't have to be for everybody, as i read in your last sentence. (I could miss read, but that is how it comes across for me).

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Yellow

My bf recently suggested we go open. I have always thought of relationships as monogamous, at least thought mine would be. I like the idea of it but my fear and possessiveness (that I didn't know I had) make it VERY difficult. How did you guys make the emotional transition to an open relationship?

......

We have a great relationship and I guess it feels like it deserves to break the norms just because of how great we are together. I feel that we CAN handle it and we should give it a try because we DO have the ability. But I am not emotionally there yet and don't see myself getting there for years. So, I am wondering how you guys made the emotional transition, especially if it was your SO's idea..

I have always been the one to sugest it, because I simply do not understand the jealousy involved with sex.

That said.. I am probably the most possessive person there is in a relationship. I am clingy, I hate it if he spends time with anybody but me. But this goes for him going out to do sports or go out with his friends exactly the same as for him having sex with somebody else. So I control myself, because I know that I cannot have him around me 24/7 and still have a healthy relationship. Also, the more I give in to it, the worse it gets.

So, in response to your questions.. the first thing that I would do is to start seeing love and sex as 2 different things. It is not love that you are going to share, it is sex. Just as he goes and plays football with his friends, he now goes and has sex with friends (probably not the same, but you get the idea )

Just one point.. it is not for everybody. Sometimes you just have to push through the first time and after everything will be perfect, and other people just cannot even make it to that first time... That is also ok.

There is no SHOULD or HAVE TO in this. There is only doing what feels right, when it feels right.

[James81]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I know my husband is with me because he wants to, not because he is obligated to.

I found it particularly odd that you put it this way instead of saying, "I am with my husband because I want to be, not because I am obligated to."

[saintssupporter]

Well maybe she knows she is secure in knowing she wants to be with him and presumes the rest of us know it! Im all for open relationships, I like the idea of having someone I can cuddle up to, watch a dvd with and then have a shag after if I fancy it! I find this solution the best for the circles I move in and then if something develops out of it I can pursue it.

[drakecatz]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by Yellow

I feel that we CAN handle it and we should give it a try because we DO have the ability. But I am not emotionally there yet and don't see myself getting there for years.

I have to say, you are trying to wrap your head around this. It's good to be openminded, but giving it a "try" taking "years" sounds like this type of relationship may not be for you, "ever!"

be honest with yourself. Is this something you think is ever going to be right for you? Visualize yourself saying, "have a fun date honey!"

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Just for clarification... I feel special in my relationship, I fully commit myself to my husband. I am 100% loyal to him, and yes this is not always easy.

In my opinion this has nothing to do with open or closed relationships.

It is ok if you feel that closed is better for you, but it doesn't have to be for everybody, as i read in your last sentence. (I could miss read, but that is how it comes across for me).

What I am saying is that when I was dating a lot of guys at once, I didn't feel special like I do with my husband. Just saying that is how I experienced it.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by James81

I found it particularly odd that you put it this way instead of saying, "I am with my husband because I want to be, not because I am obligated to."

That is because that for me is a given.. how i feel about this, that is. I would never be with somebody because I am obligated to, that concept is so alien to me, that would not even enter my mind.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

What I am saying is that when I was dating a lot of guys at once, I didn't feel special like I do with my husband. Just saying that is how I experienced it.

I read something else than you intented so thank you for the clarification.