How can I give the best support to a dying friend

[Roxon]

I have a friend in her 50ties who had chemo for pancreatic cancer 2yrs ago, never fully recovered and now has leukemia and cant get a bone marrow donor.

She does not want to talk about her condition. I hear from other friends that she continues to deteriorate and communicates less and less with everyone.

She has asked me to keep talking even if she doesnt respond. She lives 1000 miles away and i cant visit so I text and write.

I think if it was me i would want to hear about interesting places, events, jokes.

But i dont really know how to be the best friend i could be.

My best friend died recently after a long illness and i felt i could have been more supportive but diddnt know how. When a dying person begins to withdraw but still wants you to keep talking,what are the best things to talk about?? What are the best ways to be supportive??

Any other perspectives would be much appreciated.

Thank you

[drakecatz]

I'm sorry for you and your friend.

I don't know this person, but if I were dying I would love to hear about beautiful death experiences others have had when they died and came back. She is preparing to go to the otherside. People have done this before, (at least came close,) share their stories with her. Discuss their journeys.

Science has found that the soul has weight, and is centered around the heart area. Look up things like that.

If she is open to this sort of discussion I think it would be very helpful and enlightening.

I might also ask if their are any life experiences she has had that she would like to talk about before she leaves.

You know best.

[marinik]

Ask the friend what he/she needs from you. I am a cancer survivor, I wanted fun and jokes and positive people around me all the time, while I was ill. Hated the sad soggy faces that told me all was going to be just fine and didn't believe it. We all need different things. Just ask! And then give you best

Love m

[ang569]

I think it depends on if they are starting to detach yet. If so, maybe talk about the afterlife and what they are expecting. It's not the greatest of conversations but at this spot in the road, it is rounding the corner for your friend. Good luck and I am sorry for you and your friend. Good for you for trying to be supportive for her.

[Roxon]

Thanks Drakecatz, Marinik and ang569 you've each given me a helpful perspective i could'nt see before.

Wow Marinik, inspiring to hear that you beat cancer

Im out of my depth in this situation, i can see all the lessons in it for me but this is the 2nd of 3 friends lately that needs my support as they exit, its unnerving and im struggling with finding the clarity and balance to be able to be the best a friend can be.

BUT im gona try listen for my intuition and give the best support that i can.

[Peek]

That is a sad story, Roxon. Hope you can make it a beautiful one.

Maybe you can just ask her how you can support her best.

Trow a party now she can, or prepare her funeral even before she dies. So she can hear the speeches.

Comes to mind, it is a short book, Tuesdays with Morry.
It might give some more insight.

Hang in there

[Roxon]

Thanks Peek.

Ive been thinking....the miles between us and her increasingly reticent communication makes it a guessing game for me so ive decided that the best way i can honour and support my good friend is just to pray &pray and just try make her smile, until she (or my intuition...hope i hear it ) suggests otherwise.

This situation keeps recurring lately and its starting to freak me out cos im not up for much more sadness!
Yet it has me feeling so grateful for my friendships and countless things in my life and i will deal with the pain later when its all over.

The hard part is examining my own beliefs about death and offering support for someone elses beliefs while the true outcome is really unknown!
(This thread is probably in the wrong section.)

[Inspirations]

Roxon,

"She has asked me to keep talking even if she doesnt respond. She lives 1000 miles away and i cant visit so I text and write."

Your friend specifically told you what she would like....

Her request/need is similar to people who have recently lost a loved one. Wanting to hear from the outside world, but not ready or able to respond to that contact. Often they love the weekly phone message, even though the giver gets no feedback or response that makes them feel that this phone message is even wanted.

It may feel silly to you, but may be a lovely gift to your friend. You could email her each week, in detail, about your life, what's happening, your goals, hopes and dreams, your past times together etc....You could record and email it, or telephone (emailing first to warn and let her know that you are only calling to leave a voice message)

You could also let her know, that if there is anything else she needs or that you could do, to just let you know and it is hers.

Another cool thing to do is to share love. If you get yourself relaxed, and breathe slowly and quiet your thoughts and feelings, then take a couple of big breaths in, and think of your friend, let your care and love for her grow, let yourself feel how special she has been in your life, just let the memories and love emotions fill you to overflowing.

When you reach that point, imagine the smile within you bursting through your belly button or the top of your head, and going through the air, right to your friend, and wrapping around her. See, feel, know your arms are wrapping around and giving this beautiful being the biggest hug that you can give her...now feel the energy go from you to her...

You can stand in your home, relax, then put your hands out on her shoulders, and she will feel the warmth, as she does the love hug...

Play with it, have fun....and enjoy sharing love.....isn't that what this is all about anyway?

[Roxon]

Thanks Inspirations the detail in your suggestions was really helpful.

Others perspectives on WHAT to talk about have been helpful because the time is precious and i want to go beyond the obvious and give unasked.

This thread is helping me accept that i am doing all i can. I tend to want to carry too much and over empathise while not really understanding what the person is going through.

Inspirations, the excercise on sharing love is just the type of thing i was hoping for, thank you for sharing this
blessings to you

[Rose of Cairo]

Hi Roxon,

you could tell her that you love her, and describe how wonderful she is and why, what is great about her, and how special she has been in your life.

In case she believes in an afterlife, you could talk about that and agree on a sign that she could send you after her death to let you know that she is fine.

Just an idea. Sending much love to you and your friend. <3

[Roxon]

Hi Rose
I love your idea of asking her to send me a sign, thank you

Wishing you speed on your path to Norway

The suggestions from everyone are giving me more ways to give love and support and its helping me see more of the connection and continuation in it all.