Being told not to respond!

[drakecatz]

A friend of mine received an e-mail from here brother, and after reading it, I was so stunned I am wondering how to help her respond.

They have not seen eachother in 8 years. When their mother passed, my friend did a quit claim on the will and gave her brother total control.

Now that she needs some money from her part of the trust, he is not being helpful. They have been talking and e-mailing a lot about this. This guy is awful, and as things stand now, it benefits his family not to help her. According to the will he doesn't have to help her, but if he cared about her at all it's a simple request. It wouldn't hurt the trust to help her out.

In his last e-mail to her he called her names and ranted on about their issue. He ended it by saying..."Do not respond to this e-mail!"

How do you respond to someone who says, "do not respond?" Should she respond to this? Should she just accept that her brother doesn't care about her and write him off? She was very close to her mother and she knows her mother wouldn't want him doing this. This is a life changing issue for her.

Any thoughts would be appreciated. It is so mean and controlling. She says he is like Rush Limbaugh, Orange County Republician. Should she respond?

[James81]

Well, if she doesn't have any legal leg to stand on, then it's probably in her best interest to let it go and seek help elsewhere.

I know that's probably not the answer she wants to hear, and I definately feel for her, but trying to pursue this anymore is only going to hurt her even more.

[spirit4711]

Does a quit claim on the will mean that your friend doesn't have any right to the estate of the mother? If so, let it go.

What the mother may have wanted is not relevant, your friend made the choice.

[drakecatz]

[QUOTE]Hi james, As usual you hit the underlying note. Her brother is the only family she has left and it hurts her very much that he is so uncaring. He always has some excuse for her not to come and visit. Thanks for your advice.

Spirit, A quit claim takes away all legal rights. It was a mistake for her to sign one, but it is done. Her brother is good with money and she trusted him to take care of things for her. Thanks for responding.

[JSB]

This is a sad situation, but it appears he has shown his true character. Money is more important than family for some people.

[drakecatz]

Originally Posted by JSB

This is a sad situation, but it appears he has shown his true character. Money is more important than family for some people.

Thanks JSB. When I spoke with my friend tonight I used all three of your sentences.

I think she appreciated it. Especially the "true character..." I said at least she knows where she stands. She's still wondering how to respond, if at all.

[jasonwisdom]

My condolences also to your friend...
...a lot of nice people unfortunately need to learn the hard way who & how to trust (and who/how to not trust).

She cannot control him. She can only choose for herself starting now.
Any attempt she makes, to beg or plead or trick or blackmail or inspire him to change his mind...well it sounds like she has no leverage in this situation. From a negotiating standpoint, she has a very weak hand.

She can ask. And she can honor his choice. Then she can make her own choice.

Also...if he calls her names, instigates all sorts of loose ends, and then says "do not respond", what he's really saying is, "I'm going to take a sh*t on you and you're going to let me do it because I have something you want and I have no intention of giving it to you I just want to watch & imagine you squirm & feel pain cause that will give me pleasure". It's cruel on his part.

She doesn't have to take that from him or anybody. That is perhaps a beginning step to her owning her power.

[drakecatz]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by jasonwisdom

Also...if he calls her names, instigates all sorts of loose ends, and then says "do not respond", what he's really saying is, "I'm going to take a sh*t on you and you're going to let me do it because I have something you want and I have no intention of giving it to you I just want to watch & imagine you squirm & feel pain cause that will give me pleasure". It's cruel on his part.

Thanks JW. Most of her friends have been warning her about his attiude toward her for some time. She always would stand up for him. They were close as kids and as I said her only "blood" family left.

Now she is saying what you said above. She kept saying,"I think he's enjoying this." So this whole bad experience has been a eye opener to the truth and as much as it hurts, it's best to know.

He is instigating loose ends! You little psychic.

[JSB]

[QUOTE=drakecatz;395758]

Thanks JW. Most of her friends have been warning her about his attiude toward her for some time. She always would stand up for him. They were close as kids and as I said her only "blood" family left.

Now she is saying what you said above. She kept saying,"I think he's enjoying this." So this whole bad experience has been a eye opener to the truth and as much as it hurts, it's best to know.

He is instigating loose ends! You little psychic.

I would say that if he's enjoying this power game, then it's time to stop rewarding him. Disengage from the interaction and either: 1. cut off contact permanently, or 2. reengage in a different manner or at a different time --- precisely how and when depends on the situation and the people involved; the goal is to disrupt the current dynamic and come at things from a new angle (even if that angle turns out to be "no interaction").

The current dynamic sounds like it's harmful to everyone. (He may be enjoying it, but getting off on controlling/depriving one's own sister qualifies as (self) harmful in my book.)

[drakecatz]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by JSB

how and when depends on the situation and the people involved; the goal is to disrupt the current dynamic and come at things from a new angle (even if that angle turns out to be "no interaction").

Agreed. Good advice. This has been going on for over a month with constant tears and bad conversations. I'll pass it on.

[MidasGirl]

Has she talked to a lawyer to get some advice on what her options are? I think the brother is being a jerk and a bully, and sometimes bullies only understand a dose of their own medicine. I would definitely get some legal advice if I were her.

[drakecatz]

I agree MG. I asked a lawyer friend of mine and he said there is nothing she can do about changing a quit claim, but that was before she started these negotiations. Maybe there is some loophole.

Her brother did tell her years ago that if the time came she needed help, the trust was there for her. But this is all word of mouth.

She did the quit claim years ago when she was into drinking. She is 5 years sober, but big bro holds it against her. She is lesbian as well, and her brother is anti-gay. It's even in the will that the trust is for blood children only, (aka his,) so if she and her partner were to adopt, the child would get nothing.

The bottom line is that it would be easy to help her now and he won't. And of course it's "her" money he won't share! Before her mother died the brother told her how things should be changed in the will, and mom being of the generation of women knowing nothing about money, gave him control. It's really very sad. He has already given his kids $25,000.00 each toward buying their homes.

If he dies, control of the trust goes to his wife, then his kids, then wife's sister. Big mistake to sign the quit claim, but she was drinking back then and it was a good idea she didn't have control of the money.

Years later it is all being held against her in horrible ways.