Trouble being myself and just letting relationships happen.

[erwaggoner]

Hi,
I have been completely stressed over this for a while now. Last fall, I for the most part lost all of my friends because they abandoned me (which is a story for another day). Soon after that, I began making friends with a guy I had known for a short while but had never really gotten to know. Since then, we've been hanging out every once and a while, and I've really appreciated his friendship.

Here is the problem though: as he has friends that he has been friends with all through high school and still into college, it's been hard for me to feel welcome since I'm kind of "breaking into" this group of tight-knit friends.

The part that really has been worrying me is that I seem to be completely obsessing over this. I constantly wish I were spending time with them, and I feel dejected when I hear that they did something I was not invited to. I know I'm being irrational and that I need to accept that they are good friends with different interests and at different places in life. For some reason though, I just feel like I'm being dejected.

In about 3 weeks, I am moving to school about 4 hours away, and now I keep dwelling on that I won't have any friends when I come home for breaks and such, because they will no longer think of me when I'm not around. I seem to just get in these obsessive moods where I get all worked up over this, and I probably will be fine by tomorrow but I can't keep doing this to myself, I feel like I'm going crazy.

Mainly I'm just hoping for someone who has experienced this before to maybe provide some advice. Am I crazy (I won't be offended if you say yes) or are my fears well-founded? I don't know, I feel like I'm causing myself a lot of angst just because I'm not with these people 24/7, but then I finally convince myself that that is irrational, and I go in a loop until I wear myself out.

Thanks.
ERW

[ssandra]

I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one. I have been there. I have survived. So will you.

When you will go to your new school you will make new friends. When you are back home for breaks you can either hook up with your old friends, or just be alone for a little bit.

Learn to be comfortable alone, and you will depend less on the friendships of other people.

From my past I know this is very easy to say, and doesn't solve the problem of feeling left out / ackward with the new group / friend, but unfortunately I have no real advice for you there...

[Muzzinho]

If your so called `friends` are not really hanging out with you as much as they should or not inviting you, then they are not real friends. I had the same problem and I had to be absolutely ruthless about it. I told them I didn`t want them to be my frinds and decided to make new friends instead and now I am happier.

Let them know that if they are really friends then they should hold themsevles accountable. Ofcourse it works both ways they will hold you to high standard probably.

To me a friend meets on a regular basis or at least contacts on a regular basis. Someone to share your time with, laugh and have interesting experiences as well as share intimate things that help you to become more honest. A friend is fair and willing to help and takes his/her friendship seriously and is consistant in his/her friendship. That`s just my defintion but, Im sure most people think of friends in that way.

Explain exactly how you feel and then let them explain how they feel. Then let them know what you will and wont accept. That way when they dont keep high standards，　you can say goodbye and connect with others who are much better fit for you.

In doing this you may fluctuate through periods of lonleyness but it is better to be alone and find true connections thatn be connected but on a very superficial level.

The world is plentiful with people who would love to connect with you. Don`t think that you have only a few friends.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Muzzinho

If your so called `friends` are not really hanging out with you as much as they should or not inviting you, then they are not real friends. I had the same problem and I had to be absolutely ruthless about it. I told them I didn`t want them to be my frinds and decided to make new friends instead and now I am happier.

From what I understood, only one person in this group is the friend, and she (he?) just hangs out with the group sometimes.

In this case I think it is completely fair that the group sometimes wants to spend some time alone as well.