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08-08-2009, 07:30 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 21
 |  ex girlfriend still haunting my life...
Hi everyone, i thought i might raise an issue which is quite a big part of my life but i try to keep it to the back of my mind at all times. but it still disturbs me because its something i still think a lot about, rather, think about her, and the relationship we had. basically, im 22 now, when i was 16 i started going out with a girl i met when i joined a new school. it was a great time because i 'fell in love' i had a lot of new friends (i had a difficult school life before this) and so at the new school i felt like mr.popular and mr.successful, the girl i was with was very beautiful and a very good person and popular, but from the start i was unfaithful and cheated on her (something which i feel upset, mad, guilty and bad about to this day- that i ruined our relationship).. anyway, we went out for 3 and a half years in total, from 16-19...we were very close, best friends, i never really had any good friends or close mates before that so when she came along she became everything all in one, it was very special in a way and we were so together, but....all the while, there was this other side to me....i was cheating on her, i didnt understand that my cheating was ruining everything, (or maybe i did understand but just chose to ignore it), and when i did do something naughty like kiss another girl or sometimes sleep with other girls i didnt tell her, i would lie to her. basically, the reason why i did cheat was because i was excited by any attention from women, i was thirsty for love/lust and just a young guy really, quite excited by it all....but obviously it was something awful, to be lying and cheating on someone who gave me so much honest love and sincerety, and i pretended to give the same back.......but soon enough the bubble burst when i went to university when i was 19 i feel like ive grown a lot since the relationship ended, ive learnt so much about myself, been in therapy, group therapy, done so much thinking, but also a lot of beating my self up because i still miss my ex girlfriend so much, as in having that special person- the emotional, sexual, intimacy of it, just someone i could love and who loved me in such a beautiful way, it was young, first love.....but then again i didnt understand what love was really if i cheated on her......and i never want to do anything like it again, i want to make sure the next person is someone i dont hurt, or cause pain, why did i do things that hurt her, that ruined our relationship?.... the point is im almost 23 now, ive been single for such a long time it feels, i havnt met anyone who half compares to my ex-girlfriend and between 19-22 i just have been getting drunk a lot and having a lot of horrible casual sex which has got me nowhere and developped no real true relationships with women, only worsened my life in general really. since finsihing university, i am pleased to say i am now not drinking and havnt drunk alcohol for 6 weeks, and i plan to continue drinking alcohol as rarely as possible, because it does nothing good for me, i have realised... i would really like some advice from people about what they think i should do, what do i need to move forward from this girl who i still think about, dream about, adore, love, put on a pedestal and compare all other girls to....i also think i may have a lot of built up anger/rage towards her (even though i was the one who was pretty much awful) because towards the end of our relationship she found someone and started a new relationship....which kind of messed me up as well, made me even more devestated and insecure...but im sure at least she is having a 'healthy relationship' now....rather than what i gave her.....but it made me mad/angry/envious none the less... i just would really appreciate some wise words on love, ive read a lot of self-help books and books about love and relationships, but its good hearing of actual experiences other people have had and how they managed to move forwards.... im sorry for this really long message.....i look forward to your responses... love to you all. loveandfear |
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08-08-2009, 07:38 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 21
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I understand your situation... and am honestly saddened to read lots of causual sex didn't solve your problem, that's exactly what I've had in mind :P.
__________________ "If people concentrated more on "how", and nevermind "why, we'd be in such better shape." - Billy Connolly |
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08-08-2009, 07:52 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 21
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sorry i dont think i expressed it properly.....it wasnt just casual sex, it was drunken casual, and i mean drunk as in cant barely remember/ cringe sex.....the worst kind of sex.....therefore not good for me at all.....and not good sex....
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08-08-2009, 08:11 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 270
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You took a name "loveand fear". Do these terms are kind of mixed up for you? You should stop trying to date other women and looking for meaningful relationships until you'll sort out what's going with you personally, the reasons for your insecurities and anger, etc. Just give yourself a break from meeting women and concentrate on studying your inner motives, achieving your goals and etc. |
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08-08-2009, 09:11 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 21
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i took the name loveandfear because those are the two issues i believe are at the crux of our everyones lives, but after seeing your post, obviously i think on a personal level they are the two things i have issues with more than anything. i think you're right i should just concentrate on being happy in myself for a while... i feel like i am very aware of all my issues, i always analyse my life, and understand the complexities and even some of the reasons why i am the way i am, but that still doesn't change the fact that i miss my ex girlfriend, she is still in my dreams for instance....how do i move on from that.... |
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08-09-2009, 07:03 AM
| #8 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 192
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08-09-2009, 07:30 AM
| #10 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 294
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Fom what you say, its clear she is a monogamous type. Are you too? Are you sure that you won't, atleast can be responsible enough and try not to, cheat on her if you'd get together back again? I am sure that she must've been hurt bad. So chances are (depending on her personality) that she hasnt forgotten what you'd done..Or if she feels the same too, chances are she hasn't forgotten you. Quote:
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08-09-2009, 07:48 AM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Senior Member  Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 430
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Ah, if I had a dollar for every ex-boyfriend who behaved like a dick, got himself dumped and later decided he had made a terrible error and wanted to marry me... well, actually, I'd have four dollars. My point, however, is that this sort of thing happens all the time. Seller's regret, if you like. She is gone now, and you have to let go gracefully. Part of that is realising that the anger you feel at her is actually anger at yourself, and also that the image you have built up of her in your head is not actually her, but a romanticised ideal. The girl you are dreaming of does not exist. You have changed in the last few years and so has she; you couldn't go back to the romantic ideal you have, even if she wanted to as well. I think it would be setting yourself up for a fall by seriously attempting to pursue a relationship with someone who you hurt very badly, and who has almost certainly moved on. Perhaps it would be best to try to form a functional relationship with someone else, to see if you are even capable of it yet. Great relationships don't flow from meeting the 'right' person, but from *being* the right person for a relationship when it comes along. |
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08-09-2009, 03:55 PM
| #12 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Beautiful SoCal
Posts: 901
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Spot on Indiana. Probably best advice on relationships I've read in a long time. Quote:
Put an end to your pity-party. Take that guilt you feel and harness it into love and caring so that you are ready when the next opportunity hits. To me you are crying over spilt milk. You were an ******* at one point, there's always a price to be paid. Every action has a consequence. Accept the consequences of your past jerk-ness and do better next time. But sitting around moping over "lost love" only causes to reinforce what a victim you are of your own stupid actions. Get over her. There are always people we can love deeper if we let ourselves. Or you can continue to wallow in guilt. It's always a choice.
__________________ Seize the moment! Last edited by MidasGirl; 08-09-2009 at 04:06 PM. | |
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08-09-2009, 06:50 PM
| #13 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: May 2009 Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 989
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Another part of the problem is that you have a gap in your life. Where your gf used to be. If she was perfect, you wouldn't have cheated on her. So I doubt she was. But like a tooth that has suddenly been yanked out of your mouth, your soul's tongue keeps feeling that place where she was. Why? Yeah you miss her. I miss some of my old boyfriends too and I have been married for nine years now. But it's because you are wasting your time on a dream that cannot happen, rather than filling your gap with someone worthwhile to spend your time with. Move on, duder. Time's a wastin. Jennifer |
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08-09-2009, 07:00 PM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 270
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Well, when loveandfear was with the girl, he hasn't been ready for a monogamous relationship yet. Just a young guy, wanted to have fun. The thing he didn't realize - he shouldn't have been dating seriously at the time. He should have had a lot of drunken, one-night stands first, got tired of them and after that start dating that girl. But it happened vice versa, that's why he is upset. |
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