My soulmate and my girlfriend

[Viceguy]

Right now I am in a relationship with a girl I love and my soulmate is in a relationship with a guy she loves. We have never met in real-life and yet we have both know for almost 10 years we are meant for each other.

I'm writing this here because I really don't have anyone available with which I can discuss these matters without endangering my current relationship.

This is my story:

Era I

Ca. 10 years ago me and a girl met on an internet dating site. We started chatting frequently and fell deeply in love. There was a strong sexual connection as well but as we lived a few countries and thousands of kilometers apart we never met. This did not stop us from being very creative in sexual actions in all ways the internet offered. (I'll spare you the details)

The sexual part is important here because I could share with her and she was even excited about parts of my sexuality that I hide from friends, family and even my current girlfriend. With my soulmate (Let's call her Anne) I never have to censor myself or fear being judged. I can bear my soul and it is a marvelous feeling.

At this time we were both quite young and not in any position to move between countries anytime soon or in fact had enough money to go and visit. Due to the distance we both engaged in casual relationships.

I met my current girlfriend (let's call her Beta) in the internet as well and we started dating before long. I was never that impressed with her to be honest but my opinion was always just high enough to go out with her again. And again and again until 2 years later when her lease expired and we decided to move into a student apartment together. All the time I did this thinking it was only temporary. Just until me and Anne were both in a position where I could move to her country or she to mine.

Beta wasn't all to happy though when she found some chatlogs and pictures from conversations between me and Beta though, engaging in some less-than-moral acts.

----

Era II

This is where I draw a line in the story. My attempt to keep my two realities had of course failed eventually and over the course of a few weeks this led me to think seriously about where everything was going and make sustainable plans for the future.

At this point I had been living with Beta for a year or so and had started loving her in that way that only time brings. Not a crazy teenage-in-heat kind of love but a more sophisticated down-to-earth marriage material kind of love. The only problem was that the sex wasn't too exciting as I didn't feel I could open myself as much to Beta as I could to Anne.
Still I decided that I wanted to be with Beta more than I wanted to leave her and take a chance on Anne, which I'd never met, so I resolved to give Anne up completely.

At the time she was in a relationship herself that was starting to get somewhat serious.

And of course I couldn't give her up. Sure, I cut off all communications for about a year or so but after that we started to casually chat again, but with nearly no sex talk.

----

Era III

I move with Beta to a different country for a great job opportunity. I don't know if it was a coincidence, fate or wish realization but it happened to be in the same country as Anne lives in, although some 4-6 hours away by car.

At this point me and Anne both have a cell phone in the same country and thus have better access to each other and the possibility of communicating while in private. (as opposed to our computer rooms)
This means of course that the communication becomes very sexual again. Nothing like it was before and generally no pictures send between us (although there are exceptions) but not something our partners would have been very happy about.

At this point Anne has been with her boyfriend for about 4 years and I with Beta for about 6. I am still apathetic about our sex and that I can't share all my fantasies with Beta, although I like everything else about the relationship. I do love Beta and I couldn't imagine doing anything to hurt her, let alone could I break her heart.

It should follow that Anne has been in the same dilemma as have I. Her boyfriend is very "normal" when it comes to sex while she is a complete freak and he won't do a lot of the stuff the two of us would like to.

----

Era IV

This is the current era and it started yesterday when Anne's boyfriend found our chatlog and a pretty graphic picture I sent her. Unsurprisingly he wasn't too pleased with what he saw. He did find more than this though as she had also talked to me about having slept with someone else. ( I know she has cheated on all of her boyfriends, some of them with multiple men)

We had a long texted conversation about what happened and what she would do about it and she told me they were going to try and patch things up and go on a naughty vacation together. That he was going to try and make more of an effort so she wouldn't have to go somewhere else. We also decided (at my suggestion) that I should back of for a while and leave them to it.

...later that day she responds to an email I had sent her before exclaiming her excitement for the sexual deviation pictured within.

A part of our long talk was me seeing if she really wanted to patch things up. Whether it was worth it for the two of us to make a go at it. (to this day we still haven't met)

And this is where we are today.

----

Me and Anne really feel that we are meant for each other and that Fate is continually leading us closer and close and will eventually get us together. And yet we aren't ready to end our current relationships for it to happen.

I've never met this girl. How can I break the heart of a sweet girl that I love and that depends on me in a foreign country to go and try out a relationship with a girl I have never met?

On the other hand, how can I stay in a relationship where I have to censor myself, where while I get physical sexual satisfaction, the mental side goes underserved all the time? Don't I deserve to be able to open myself to my girlfriend without fear of being judged? Don't I deserve full sexual satisfaction?

I want to be with Anne but I'm afraid the real thing could never live up to the huge fantasy we have built around it.
If we were to be together she would probably get an urge to have sex with other men as she always seems to do in relationships but I wouldn't have a problem with meeting that urge through swinger parties, threesomes, orgies even. If the urge is more to sleep around behind her current BF's back then I could even look past that.

But I don't want to leave Beta. I don't want to lose her. I love her and I can't bear the thought of hurting her. Although perversely if the relationship were to end through no fault of my own and no heartbreak of hers then I'm not sure I'd feel to terrible about it.

My short-term plan is to stay with Beta and see if I can gradually impress my sexuality on her. I've made efforts before though and I think when it comes to sex a bird can't change his feathers. I'm not sure that either me or Anne can ever be fully satisfied with our current partners.

We scored a 4 on the dice. Dare we roll again?

[James81]

Originally Posted by Viceguy

I want to be with Anne but I'm afraid the real thing could never live up to the huge fantasy we have built around it.

BINGO!

I have been in your shoes before. Met a girl on the net, thought she was my soulmate, went to meet her after months of seriously intense seuxual IMs and phone conversations and....the sex SUCKED.

And then I realized a few things.

1. The internet (and even phone conversation) are really "one-sided" as far as impressions go. What I mean by that is, it's really easy to think you've met your soulmate on the net because, well, YOU FILL IN THE GAPS THAT ARE MISSING WITH PARTS OF YOURSELF. Understand that internet/phone relationships and real life relationships are two completely different animals. All the things you don't see and get to physically feel about this girl, just know that you are replacing those things with parts of yourself. So it feels like you have this really deep connection (because she's doing the same thing), when the reality is that you are just in love with the parts of yourself that you are projecting into the gaps.

2. The impossibility of the situation adds fuel to the emotions. When the relationship is impossible (you can't be together because of distance), it makes the desire more intense because not only do you have normal feelings, but you also have no way to release those desires and feelings and they build up inside of you, causing them to compound over time. Right before I met the girl I met, I felt like I was going to explode. And the trip was like one long dispersel of feelings/sexual tension.

3. Feeling like your soulmate is somewhere just out of your reach at all times is a good litmus for something in you. You are attracted to girls who are emotionally unavailable to you. Figure out what that is.

4. Blunt time..."Anne" sounds like an attention whore. And she's probably got 5 other guys that are her "soulmate" lined up right along with you. Come on, man, when a girl is really into you and loves/likes you, she will MAKE HERSELF AVAILABLE TO YOU. Not string you along. Not try to work things out with some boyfriend she has. No, when she's into you, she'll become available to you. Period. (Was that blunt enough? Sorry, but I've been there chief. And I know, I know, this is "different', not the "same situation at all"...spare me that stuff, man. )

Originally Posted by Viceguy

But I don't want to leave Beta. I don't want to lose her. I love her and I can't bear the thought of hurting her. Although perversely if the relationship were to end through no fault of my own and no heartbreak of hers then I'm not sure I'd feel to terrible about it.

My short-term plan is to stay with Beta and see if I can gradually impress my sexuality on her. I've made efforts before though and I think when it comes to sex a bird can't change his feathers. I'm not sure that either me or Anne can ever be fully satisfied with our current partners.

We scored a 4 on the dice. Dare we roll again?

Now onto "Beta."

First and foremost, if you have any inentions of ever making it work with Beta, then you need to TELL HER EVERYTHING. Tell her what you've been doing with Anne behind her back. Come clean. In fact, why don't you just show her this thread?

But I ask you this...why on earth would you want to stay with someone you don't "feel" it for? Why settle? I've been THERE too (with my marriage) and I settled with the girl I wasn't really into (but came to love over time), and 4 hellish years of marriage later I got a divorce.

If you want my opinion (and I'm sure you don't want to hear this), but in my opinion, you should put both Anne AND Beta out of your life (Anne because she's nuts and Beta because she deserves to be with a man who wants her completely, not just half-heartedly) and go find someone (in real life) who makes you happy, deal with whatever issues are causing you to latch onto emotionally unavailable women, and go from there.

[CoolBee]

I agree with James - never mind Alpha and Beta, you need Gamma or Delta or even Epsilon here - by which I mean you sound as if you shouldn't actually be tied down in a relationship right now.

I'm guessing Anne will not turn out to be the woman you think if you meet.

Beta deserves someone fully in to her not someone who is with her because he doesn't want to hurt her - hurt is part of human experience and it is probably more hurtful in the long run to discover that your partner has stayed with you for the sake of something other than loving you - it makes a complete LIE of the past X amount of years. A great deal of hurt has been caused via the best of intentions by staying with someone 'for the sake of.... fill in your own blank'

It is a great thing to be in a relationship where you can be fully honest about your sexual past and nature of your sexuality and you haven't found that yet.

You also deserve to be in a more 'full' relationship where you can share many more aspects of your personality.

[ssandra]

Contrary to most poster previously, I believe that you and Anna at least should see if the real thing is as good as the fantasy. It happens. I´ve been there online very hot sex, real life, even hotter sex.

Never, ever settle in your relationship. You do not love Beta, she is just convenient to you.

If you care for Beta, at least a little bit, set her free to find somebody who loves her as much as she deserves. It might hurt her a little bit, but a lot less in the end then staying with somebody who is full of somebody else and doesn´t really love her.

You are in the same counry now, and the only thing that is stopping you is you two.

Why not take a chance? Isn´t love worth it? What do you have to loose? A relationship with a person that you don´t really love anyway?? Not such a big loss if you ask me... what do you have to gain? A relationship with your soulmate, a great sex life and never having to wonder "what if..."

[Viceguy]

Thanks for taking the time to read that whole thing and give me advice. I appreciate it

You are all right about that I probably should have left Beta a long time ago. I've always found an excuse however because the thought of ending it is incredibly scary to me.
Recently these ideas have been solidifying and at the same time the situation has become even worse to this regards in as much as: She moved with me to another country where she now has no job, a single friend, no family and no income of her own. Ending it now feels unnecessarily cruel. Then again if I don't do it now I may never do so.

If I do end my current relationship, which I am being adviced to do regardless I don't see any reason not to try it out with Anne, assuming she were to end her relationship. Sure, perhaps she is a psychotic attention whore but why not find out? Perhaps she actually is who I think she is.

I've always been waiting for a deus ex machina to help me out but I've faced the fact that it isn't coming. I guess I know what I SHOULD do but it feels right now that I can't for the life of me bring myself to do it.

[CoolBee]

This will be very hard on Beta, but you have to do it. This doesn't mean you can't support her through the first couple of months of it, say. By which I mean - how long have you been living in the country and what has stopped her from going around meeting people, maybe learning a new language if that's necessary, learning to cope on her own?

At the end of the day, she chose to move to another country and must take some responsibility for that decision and for the life she has developed there.

(If anyone ever asks me whether they should or shouldn't come here to Egypt and their only apparent reason appears to be the relationship they are in, then I always ask them to consider whether if it all goes wrong, they would still want to be here and what kind of life they will build for themselves here.)

Ssandra is right, may be Anne will turn out to be everything you dream, maybe not, but Beta should be set free now and learn to fly on her own wings.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Viceguy

Ending it now feels unnecessarily cruel.

Going on any longer would be much crueler.

Originally Posted by Viceguy

I've always been waiting for a deus ex machina to help me out but I've faced the fact that it isn't coming. I guess I know what I SHOULD do but it feels right now that I can't for the life of me bring myself to do it.

What are you afraid of? To hurt Beta? You are already doing that.
To be alone? It is ok to be alone, you´ll learn how to deal with that
To see everything going to hell with Anna..? What is worse, to try and fail or to forever wonder what if...
If you do not try you have lost in advance... You can only win.

[Vasilisa]

Oh, goodness! Been there, done that!
I'm a lady, but I've also been in kind of weird crush for a guy, who lives in a different country. But I met him before though, many years ago.
In time I understood that it was not about him, it was about ME. I was unsatisfied with my life ant tried to run away into my fantasy world, like other people take drugs or drink or something, I was running away in my self-created world with "Prince Charming".
It's easier that to look into an eye of your problem, face your life and find whatever is missing in reality.
You know, may be you should try to meet the girl, or you will always wonder what it would be like. Just take a freaking day off and go, see her in real life, try it, instead of sitting and fantasizing. But don't forget let Beta know about it - cheating is not good!

[James81]

Oh yeah, by all means see if it's there with Anne. Although I said you should probably find someone else, if you have the opportunity to actually meet her and see for yourself, then do it. It's worth the experience.

I think that I'm just a bit skeptical about it actually working out. Anne, based on your posts, has a lot of qualities of girls who tend to latch onto guys like you and play the whole "soulmate" bit.

I could be wrong, though. Only way to tell would be to:

1. Meet her
2. See if she's willing to be available to you. If she hesitates and makes excuses and all that jazz, then I'm probably right about her.

[Viceguy]

I'm not quite sure what I am afraid of but yes I feel great fear when I think about breaking it off.

We've only been here for three months now so that is the reason she hasn't got a job, learned the language or really made friends here yet. She'll definitely get there if she stays in the country for a few more months.

I know I should have broken it up a long time ago and I know the right thing to do is to break it up now. Even so I can't bring myself to do it. It's not just fear (although it is that too) but also the feeling that I really want the relationship to be able to work.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Viceguy

but also the feeling that I really want the relationship to be able to work.

The most important thing for a relationship to work, is that you need love.

Can you honestly say that you love her?? True love, not what you feel for good friends or family...

[Viceguy]

No, I don't think I can honestly say that.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Viceguy

No, I don't think I can honestly say that.

There is your answer on what to do.

If you love her at least as a friend, let her return to her country now that she still has good friends there. It has only been 3 months, it will not be very difficult for her to pick up her life where she left it.

Doesn't she deserve somebody who truly loves her?

[ellie]

Originally Posted by CoolBee

I agree with James - never mind Alpha and Beta, you need Gamma or Delta or even Epsilon here -

LOL! that's was hilarious! Thanks for the great laugh

[Viceguy]

I know I should do it. Intellectually it is the only thing that makes sense.
But when I think about actually going through with it there is an unsurmountable barrier somewhere. Right now I just can't bring myself to.

Maybe it is the fear of hurting her. Maybe I'm afraid of being alone. Maybe I'm afraid that she won't cut it without me. Maybe it's that she seems so happy with the relationship right now.
I'm not exactly sure what it is but something is blocking me. How do I find it and eradicate it? I want to do this but there is the sense of excruciating pain associated with it.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Viceguy

I know I should do it. Intellectually it is the only thing that makes sense.
But when I think about actually going through with it there is an unsurmountable barrier somewhere. Right now I just can't bring myself to.

Maybe it is the fear of hurting her. Maybe I'm afraid of being alone. Maybe I'm afraid that she won't cut it without me. Maybe it's that she seems so happy with the relationship right now.
I'm not exactly sure what it is but something is blocking me. How do I find it and eradicate it? I want to do this but there is the sense of excruciating pain associated with it.

You already know what is is that's blocking you. You just listed all the reasons in your post.

So stop stalling and just go do it. There is no non-painful way to do it. So stop trying to think of one. That's just a method that most of us use to stall doing something we really don't want to do.

[Viceguy]

I didn't break it off, I just couldn't do it this suddenly.

However, I did talk to her and I told her how I feel about us and the relationship. I made it clear that it was a very real possibility of not being able to repair things.

We are starting counselling tomorrow as a last-ditch effort to save the relationship and if there is a way for me to be happy in it then of course that is the best case scenario here. I'm not sure there is though and at least now if I do end up terminating our relationship it won't be a surprise to her and she will have had time to understand my reasoning.

Yes, I am afraid that we might slide back to the way we used to be only to have this surface again later but I think with counselling and a determined effort to do what's best for both of us (and the fear of sliding back kicking me in the butt) that won't happen this time.

Thanks for the advice guys. When reading back through what I wrote here I see that it was good for the situation as I painted it. When I cut Anne out of the equation though (as it was right that my dissatisfaction with my current relationship has nothing to do with her) I realized that if I can fix my relationship with Beta I would really like to do that. After a 6 year relationship I think I can afford to spend a few weeks on trying, whatever happens in the end.

[aelle]

If what you wrote in your OP is correct, you haven't even tried to open your sexual life with Beta. In fact, you say you actively hide your sexual desires from her, out of fear. Why on Earth would you do that? Well, I understand why one would be reluctant to share "weirdness" in the beginning of a relationship - fear of judgment or rejection. But keeping at it for years? You need to learn to discuss and open up with real life people. I know it's a difficult, lengthy and sometimes painful process. But you will not be able to have a fulfilling relationship if you are unable to share what you truly desire and what bugs you, "normal" or not, sexual or otherwise.

Even if things don't work out with B. this time, you are setting yourself for the exact same failure in your next relationship if you don't learn to open up.

[chrisrushton]

"... bullet wound with a bandaid?"

anyway. i wish you the best, and the courage to do what is genuinely best for you. i like to think that whatever is best for me is best for humanity in the long run, even if it isn't always immediately obvious how.

[Viceguy]

I wouldn't say I haven't tried to open it. A more correct description is that the openness ended at a certain place. Yes, it has kept us from connecting as much as we could have but what was running it was fear of losing her if I were to share that side of me.

Since then I have learned that if she doesn't like ever side of me we shouldn't be together of course and I am gradually working on exposing her to different aspects of me that I had hidden before. Some things are more painful than other though and I don't think I can dump everything on her at a time. (she doesn't know about Anne for instance)

We have begun some work, as in me sharing more of myself and her making an effort to understand and participate in things she didn't before but even if I managed to open up completely it wouldn't fix the relationship, merely expose its flaws better.

Yes, if I don't learn to do this I am very likely to carry it over to future relationships but IMO it is harder to share something like this with someone you have been hiding it from for 6 years than someone you are trying to get to know.

[pjhaggerty]

Have you considered opening up your relationship with beta? Maybe it could work out if you weren't sexually exclusive with each other... It does sound like you need better sex, but it also sounds like you have a good connection with 'beta'. Maybe by coming clean, being honest about what you've done, how you feel, and where you're at (and I mean completely 100% honest) you can achieve a better situation. You could be sexually free and keep the connection with beta

However, I will say that I believe that until you become honest, nothing's gonna work for ya here. Anyway, good luck my man, and let us know how it goes.

[Peek]

Maybe we all've been there..... maybe not.

Anyway I do not mean it in a rude way, more in a wake up way:

How long are you going to use A&B as an excuse for you not being happy?

Time to find an other one, right? Or take matters and responsibility in your own hands.

Take care,

[Viceguy]

Beta knows everything about everything now.
She has seen this thread, I've told her about everything else, shown her my sexual fantasies, even the weirder ones and told her everything about Anne.

She still wants to try and fix things and I am ready to attempt that. If we can bridge the gap between us that is definitely worth a try. If it doesn't work out that's a pretty valuable lesson as well. We've gone way past being able to slide back into the same rut we were in before. By now it's do or die.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Viceguy

Beta knows everything about everything now.
She has seen this thread, I've told her about everything else, shown her my sexual fantasies, even the weirder ones and told her everything about Anne.

She still wants to try and fix things and I am ready to attempt that. If we can bridge the gap between us that is definitely worth a try. If it doesn't work out that's a pretty valuable lesson as well. We've gone way past being able to slide back into the same rut we were in before. By now it's do or die.

So, how are you going to bridge the gap?

[ang569]

That is so admirable of you to come clean with her. And to even show her this thread. I know it's hurts her but she will be glad in the long run.
I wish I were as bold.

[Viceguy]

I don't know how to bridge the gap but I'm hoping the counsellor we are seeing does know just that.

TBH I didn't show her the thread, it was a coincidence. I meant to put things differently to her but her seeing it was probably for the best.

Thanks for the advice everyone, even if I chose not to follow it.

[172]

Originally Posted by Viceguy

I'm not quite sure what I am afraid of but yes I feel great fear when I think about breaking it off.

We've only been here for three months now so that is the reason she hasn't got a job, learned the language or really made friends here yet. She'll definitely get there if she stays in the country for a few more months.

I know I should have broken it up a long time ago and I know the right thing to do is to break it up now. Even so I can't bring myself to do it. It's not just fear (although it is that too) but also the feeling that I really want the relationship to be able to work.

This is why I don't advocate shacking up. Now, you've placed Beta in this really impossible situation. You've greatly limited her choices, and you are also not giving her a chance to accept you for who you really are. Has it ever occurred to you that her sexual boundaries may be tied up in something that could be reversed? I mean, what if she has misconceptions about sex? That could change. What if she is just inexperienced sexually? What if she believes it's not ladylike? Or, what if she isn't being turned all the way on mentally by you? That, also, could change.

Just because Anne is a freak, doesn't make her your soulmate. I believe you feel lust for her. But, she's an admitted rogue. Look at how she has treated her "love" of four years. She cannot give to you what Beta gives to you....and you believe Beta cannot give to you what you THINK Anne can give to you. I wouldn't gamble on a whim like that.

Case in point....I know a girl....who "THOUGHT" she was secure in her sexuality. "Thought" she was pretty decent in bed. "Believed" she was experienced. And, it wasn't until she met and fell in love with a boy....who literally "turned her out". And, trust me, it took four years....and they are still exploring and growing. And, there are still things he wants to do that she doesn't know about. And, there are many, MANY things that she never knew she would enjoy until he, gently loved her into exploring them...and I'm just referring to sex between the two of them....there's so much to explore....and her mind has opened gradually over time and she's realized that he opened up her senses in wonderful ways.

But, he was patient...he was open....he was gentle....he was consistent and persistent but in a respectful way.....and it worked....oh if more men would seek to make love to the MIND of their woman, they would discover an abundance of passion and openness and adventure sexually with her. But, because men do not understand that a woman's largest sex organ is her brain....and they are only worried about their own sexual fulfillment, then they never get it...feel unfulfilled and start looking elsewhere for what could be found at home.

You could gamble on great sex with a stranger who you don't love and who has absolutely no capacity for loyalty and committment or you could gamble on growing with a woman you love whom you know you have a place in her heart that is authentic. Also, keep this in mind, if you are not up to the challenge of mining out of Beta all of the wonderful things that have been placed in her for you, then you should allow her to be free so that a man who has enough patience and creativity and love for her can bring out of her a very rich and fulfilling intimacy. Because, trust me....as a woman, I can tell you, it's in all of us....it just takes the right combination to bring it out.

[Viceguy]

Thanks 172, to be honest I think this is the best advice I have received here so far. And in fact this is something that has already started to happen.

For the first time in our relationship we are actually talking about sex, about things we fantasize about and things we want to do. For the first time in her life she is actively going through material and finding different things that she would like to try.

My fear is that she may be seeing this as a test. That she will think that she needs to exhibit a certain level of kinkiness within x days to save the relationship. The kind of changes we have done to our sex live already and talked about doing later surely helps but it wouldn't be fair to let her think there as a sexual ultimatum on the relationship.
While I want to believe she is earnest about what she wants to try and what she says excites her then I can't know whether it's because she wants to save the relationship or whether these things actually excite her.

[172]

Originally Posted by Viceguy

Thanks 172, to be honest I think this is the best advice I have received here so far. And in fact this is something that has already started to happen.

For the first time in our relationship we are actually talking about sex, about things we fantasize about and things we want to do. For the first time in her life she is actively going through material and finding different things that she would like to try.

My fear is that she may be seeing this as a test. That she will think that she needs to exhibit a certain level of kinkiness within x days to save the relationship. The kind of changes we have done to our sex live already and talked about doing later surely helps but it wouldn't be fair to let her think there as a sexual ultimatum on the relationship.
While I want to believe she is earnest about what she wants to try and what she says excites her then I can't know whether it's because she wants to save the relationship or whether these things actually excite her.

I'm glad it was helpful. Your job, in this case is to reassure her of your love for her and find a way to help her understand that you are comfortable with allow the love and intimacy between the two of you to unfold. She needs to know that you are willing to allow her to open up in her own time. Remember that if she is feeling anxiety or pressure or as though she has to "audition" for your love, she is not going to be as open sexually...it won't be natural and she will not find her own enjoyment. Maybe you should consider learning how to place your focus on HER enjoyment rather than your own. Because, trust me, when the woman is fulfilled, the man is always fulfilled and when a woman feels secure, her man will always be happy.

[Viceguy]

"Maybe you should consider learning how to place your focus on HER enjoyment rather than your own. Because, trust me, when the woman is fulfilled, the man is always fulfilled and when a woman feels secure, her man will always be happy."

I'm sorry but this is where I beg to differ. The reason we are having these problems now are because I focused to much on her enjoyment and ignored my own fantasies.

She was quite fulfilled before and I was not.
I agree that it's important for me to focus on her enjoyment but it's not enough in order for me to feel fulfilled. I also have to know that she is excited about my own pleasure and I have to know that I have a chance to express my sexual preferences.

The categorical imperative doesn't work here more than anywhere else. You focusing entirely on the partner doesn't mean he/she does the same. Sometimes you have to remind them.

The breakthrough me and my girlfriend have been having comes from discussing every different thing we like in sex and every different thing we fantasize about, even if we think the other person wouldn't react well to hearing it.
The breakthrough comes from selfishly making lists of things we like the other person to do in separate fields and selfishly expressing the different areas of sex we'd like to explore.

When doing the deed, of course we focus on each other and try to maximize each others' pleasure but that is only possible because we otherwise allow ourselves to be selfish.