My soulmate and my girlfriend

[run_fly]

very interesting...

I would be interested in giving you a psychic reading on the situation. Give me an email chrislandryfly@gmail.com and we can set something up. (because of your situation I would do it free of charge for 30mins)

[172]

Originally Posted by Viceguy

"Maybe you should consider learning how to place your focus on HER enjoyment rather than your own. Because, trust me, when the woman is fulfilled, the man is always fulfilled and when a woman feels secure, her man will always be happy."

I'm sorry but this is where I beg to differ. The reason we are having these problems now are because I focused to much on her enjoyment and ignored my own fantasies.

She was quite fulfilled before and I was not.
I agree that it's important for me to focus on her enjoyment but it's not enough in order for me to feel fulfilled. I also have to know that she is excited about my own pleasure and I have to know that I have a chance to express my sexual preferences.

The categorical imperative doesn't work here more than anywhere else. You focusing entirely on the partner doesn't mean he/she does the same. Sometimes you have to remind them.

The breakthrough me and my girlfriend have been having comes from discussing every different thing we like in sex and every different thing we fantasize about, even if we think the other person wouldn't react well to hearing it.
The breakthrough comes from selfishly making lists of things we like the other person to do in separate fields and selfishly expressing the different areas of sex we'd like to explore.

When doing the deed, of course we focus on each other and try to maximize each others' pleasure but that is only possible because we otherwise allow ourselves to be selfish.

Okay, fair enough. It sounds like she's willing to begin to extend more for the benefit of both of you. I'm happy for you. Hopefully, you will not carry feelings of limitation where she's concerned. I don't know what your sexual preferences are, so, I cannot speculate on whether she's ready for them from a woman's perspective or not. But, I certainly hope that the two of you have fun exploring and growing in intimacy and that you will both find enjoyment you didn't know was possible.

[MademoiselleM]

I know you said you are now being more open and more honest with Beta, and that is great. It took a lot of courage for you to talk with her about all this and to face your fears, and I believe you honestly love her.

She is a very strong and brave woman for reading this thread and still wanting to work on the relationship (Goodness! I can't imagine what she felt like, if she came across this by chance. I would have felt shattered and so alone, myself.)

I hope things work well for both of you.

I feel that Beta has a lot more to her personality than you've ever allowed yourself to experience about her. :-)

---
I think it's a very common pattern that a guy in his 20s does not go for the one woman who really lights his fire and imagination - either because of some sort of barrier like distance, or still being at university, or family preferences regarding religion etc., or not having an established life (not a steady-enough job, secure-enough place to live, etc.), or simply being afraid of so much expectation and intensity, so instead the guy goes with the second choice as his girlfriend, a nice girl who is fine, who is good enough to keep connecting with, but who is safe, boring, easy to compartmentalize, but who is always there as a backup, because the guy feels in control and also feels like he can escape from the relationship pretty easily and not be too emotionally hurt himself, and then one day, the guy finds that they are moving in together, and then a few years go by, and everyone expects them to get married, and the guy is actually pretty attached to the boring girl now, but what does he do with his original dissatisfaction and compartmentalization of her? It's unlikely that she is going to start being exciting to him when her role for many years has been the role of comfort and companion, yet he feels that if he doesn't MARRY someone exciting, a woman who feels like the "entire package", he's cheating his future of something important, and he feels torn - but he doesn't want to hurt the runner-up girl, who has always been there for him, and who he can't imagine being without anymore.

----
However --- I don't understand that you are now in the SAME country as Anne and you don't want to meet her, even after 4 years of your intense connection with each other?

If I were in your shoes, even if the in-person meeting were completely platonic, even if you met at a church service with your girlfriend and Anne's boyfriend along with you, I would not be able NOT to meet her after all this time.

Actually, I don't think that you want to meet Anne. I think that you prefer her to be this pornographic outlet for you, this super-sexed imaginary creature who provides you with escape, release, sneaky pleasure.

If you keep Anne as a fantasy figure, you'll always be tempted to see her as an escape route or an impossibly perfect sex partner you can use to unflatteringly compare all "real" women to. It's not fair to Beta or any other woman you might have a real-life relationship with to have Anne as this secret weapon (in your head, if not in reality).

If you met her, I think that there is a 90% chance that Anne would turn out to be like the wizard of Oz (just a typical person who was good at some tricks and marketing herself), a 5% chance that she would actually be mentally unstable, scary, and maybe even harmful to be around, and a 5% chance that Anne would turn out to be the most fantastic life partner you could ever wish for and whom you should get together with.

Whether you meet her in person or not, I think that you need to either openly have her in your life or eliminate her from your life. Don't go behind Beta's back to connect with Anne. That is destabilizing to Beta. It's a constant threat that you have another woman you speak intimately to, tell your secrets to, rely on, feel sexual release with, etc. Not fair. If Beta agrees it's okay for you to use Anne as some kind of personal, free, long-distance porn provider, as long as you let Beta know that you are communicating with Anne from time to time, and that you won't be constantly on the verge of walking out on Beta (as you have been lately), that might be a solution for you. But I would guess that Anne would not be so into her relationship with you if it weren't a secret that you two kept from your partners. As others here have said, Anne probably likes the naughty attention and subversive nature of all her secret relationships. And she would definitely cheat on you too, if you got together with her, but it sounds like you would be okay with that.

How have things worked out?

[Groucho]

Viceguy:

I had been in a situation, where I met a girl through SMS chat (she happened to be living quite far away), we fell "in love" and we chatted for about two years... the frustration on both sides was enormous. What happened? She found herself an apartment for study purposes and invited me for a weekend, I took the train and after a long ride with butterflies in my stomach, I finally met her in person... well, after spending a day with her, my fantasy world collapsed, as I figured out I was not in love with her, but rather in my fantasy of what she is.

I found out I dont really like her at all. Not her way of thinking, not even physically, though I got numerous pics of her while we were chatting, and I found her sexually attractive then. We remained friends, but I barely talk to her... maybe once a year. Now when I look at it, it was just a lot of drama, tension and frustration for nothing. Sure, we had nice moments too, but I had a strange feeling the first time I talked to her, but my curiosity wouldn´t stop me from pursuing her.

My advice would be to tell to your girlfriend that you love her (as you explained, real love, not teenager hormones type of love), and say, that you really want to explore sex fantasies of both of you; make her comfortable and try to get her most wild fantasies out... let her know, that there is some way she could fulfill your fantasies too. Maybe the right time would be, when she asks you, what would you really want for birthday . I think the main problem is in your fear of not being accepted (everybody has a fetish of some sort, be sure about that). In a long run, if your partner isn´t at least prepared to try satisfying you, situation won´t change. If you would met that "Anne" in person, I assure you, there is a high probabillity you two wouldn´t even like each other much. I thought I knew "her" after two years of everyday texting, but I found out that was not the case.

I hope I was of some help, good luck!

[audi]

I just want to start out by saying..get over the whole soulmate thing. There is no such thing as a 'soulmate'. You might think that this person is perfect for you, unique, and that no one else will ever fill your needs like this person will. This is not true, you just haven't met them yet.

You do not love your current girlfriend, if you did, then you wouldn't be disrespecting her and hiding things from her or communicating with this other girl - period. You feel like you are in love because you have been with her for so long and she's familiar to you. You need to end this relationship and be a man about it, it's only fair to her. You keep repeating that you cannot open yourself up to your current girlfriend, as if it's her fault, this is your problem and not hers. It sounds like you've wanted to end things for a long time so, to be blunt, grow a pair and do it. It is not because you want to be with her or because you love her, you've already shown that you don't even have respect for her. Seriously man, get some confidence and step out of your shell and end things. It's as simple as that, it's time to grow up.

You are confusing love with lust. You keep talking about how this girl, who you've never met, fulfills your sexual desires. This is not love either, this is lust. Love is much more then sex. You even went a far as telling us that this girl has cheated on all her past boyfriends, but she is your soulmate? - Go find a good porno, this will be much healthier for you then building up this fantasy 'relationship' inside your head.

Have you spoken to a counselor about these issues? This may be the best thing for you right now.

[Viceguy]

MademoiselleM: I absolutely agree. I am amazed that Beta will even talk to me after reading this thread, let alone beside me trying to work with me on the relationship. (and I'm not just saying that because I know she reads this thread now)

I find your description of why the situation is as it is sound very rational and it's a shame to know it commonly happens.

I think you are right though that I never did want to meet her. I certainly could have before I started going out with Beta. It would have been expensive but I could have.
Even after moving here Annie did suggest that we meet and I was never that excited about the idea, even besides the obvious fidelity issues. It rings very true that she was just an outlet for the fantasies I didn't share with Beta.
It was hard at first to completely block her from my life (as I have done now) but I think as long as I can keep opening myself up to Beta I won't have any need to contact Annie any more.

We have been seeing a counselor a few times now since this started and while it hasn't done a lot in and of itself, it certainly hasn't hurt.

What has worked is for both of us to state our needs and wants honestly and completely without any regard to whether it sounds unreasonable, offensive or would otherwise be ill-received by the other.
It's a cliché to say one needs to be honest in a relationship but full honesty is hard and hurtful and we are coming to terms with it now.

Our lives have settled down again as some time has passed now but we are trying hard not to get stuck in the old routine again, as we know to which path that leads.
Recently I have (for the first time in quite a while) started to believe that I can truly be happy in this relationship if we play our cards right. We aren't quite there yet but at least we are pointed in the right direction.
And with all this sharing and talking about fantasies and fetishes I'm feeling more lust than ever towards Beta as well. There is truly nobody I would rather be with now. I'm seeing a future of being with a girl that's rock-solid, strong and supporting and that I am wildly attracted to sexually.
What more could I ask for?