Father Having an Affair

[Sunmaid]

I work with my Dad, and he's had this "assistant" since about February of this year. There always seemed to be something a bit off to me, I couldn't ever really put a finger on it. Then my dad decided that his assistant and I should be name officers in a new company of his (we are in commercial finance - brokers) and we would officially become "partners". I felt it was odd how I never really had a lot to do with this woman (she is 35 and my father is 64)and yet he pushed such a seemingly important relationship on me with her. It's a forced relationship and I can see even on her part she isn't comfortable either (and she shouldn't ****en be) and my dad suggests things like we go to the YMCA and workout together, or go for lunch meetings etc.

I work from home for the majority of the time. My Father has a home office where he and his whore work out of and I join them 1-2 days of the week. My father always speaks highly of her, she's a bit of a drama queen with something ALWAYS going on and him being totally sympathetic etc, giving her days off and blah blah blah.

The kicker is my MOTHER has become totally take with this woman, who is married with two children btw. She sent her flowers on her anniversary, she and my father gave this woman a housewarming present (a $400 BBQ) and she went over and helped her paint her new house she just bought.

Yet this woman can standing my mothers kitchen, look her in the eye, drink the coffee she is offered, knowing she is ****ing her husband behind her back. What kind of person does that !!!?

My father complains about my Mom all the time, to me, to Laura (that's her name) saying what a bitch she is and how they aren't getting along, blah blah blah. I KNEW something was up, so I went on to my fathers computer and I read his skype history between him and her and it confirmed my suspicisions that they have been having a full fledged affair. He takes her to hotels, pays for champange and strawberries they go the casino, they go on "business trips".

I am ABSOLUTELY APPALLED. I just found all this out yesterday, I knew something was not right. I KNEW IT! but I never expected this. Now I am thinking of ways to out her or my father without hurting my mother, or to poison her or kill her off in her sleep or tell her husband.

I'm not sure what to do with this information now. I am tied to him because of my job, I can't see anyway around that, but I HATE SEEING HER IN MY MOTHERS COMPANY!! I want to ****en throttle her, since this information has come to light. I am so angry.

And yet I think... people have affairs all the time, so what ? It has such huge potential to be so devastating for my mother, I don't care about Laura, and all respect for my father is completely gone now. He's being lead around by his dick and she is taking advantage of him over and over and over. But he's 64 and she's 35. She sees him and a bank account. She's a whore and I wanna bring her down a peg or 10.

Any thoughts??

[marinik]

The affair is your fathers thing. The only part that I can see you should try and solve is the presence of this women in your mothers home.

I would confront her in private, threaten to make a mess of her life if she does not back out of your mothers life. Don't know how close you are to your father but I would tell him I knew and that it is immoral at least the bit with your house and mother.

I wouldn't judge them just get them out of mothers life. Unfortunately you never know what is going on. The fact your father is 65 does not change the fact that he deserves to be happy. The way he chooses to do so is a different matter all together. Life is not a simple "game".

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Sunmaid

Any thoughts??

Well... don't do this:

Originally Posted by Sunmaid

... or to poison her or kill her off in her sleep or tell her husband.

I agree with the previous poster, confront her alone (try and do it without getting into a fight) saying that you know and that you want her out of your mothers life.

Confront your father as well; and give him time to expain... Who knows and he and your mother may have an understanding about this situation?

You can tell him that you do not want your mother seeing hurt; but remember that it is still his life and he has no obligation to you to stop the affair.

Good luck no matter what you do. This must be difficult for you.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by Sunmaid

... I KNEW something was up, so I went on to my fathers computer and I read his skype history between him and her and it confirmed my suspicisions that they have been having a full fledged affair. He takes her to hotels, pays for champange and strawberries they go the casino, they go on "business trips".
...

Whatever gave you the right to invade his privacy?

You come across as a jealous woman, a meddling busybody and dishonest. What your father does is his business. If you don't like that, tell him and go work somewhere else.

And don't hide behind 'devastating for mother'. She's a grown up and can handle her own business.

[freddy]

You could get enough proof to show your mother he cheating. Help her to keep a level head and drain the bank accounts. I don't think you should confront your dad or the other woman because that just gives them time to prepare for the fight to come. Best of luck.

[garentee]

I Have to agree with the poster above who was concerned about the invasion of your fathers privacy. Affairs happen.. often for many reasons.. clearly he is not getting what he needs from your mom..

[seeker5]

I'd say the primary concern now is to let your mother know the truth. She deserves to know the truth of what's going on in her life and with a man who claims to be exclusive with her but isn't.

The affair isn't the end of the world. It's going to hurt for a while, both you and your mother, and probably your father too once your mother finds out, but over time, you guys will move on if you are proactive in working toward your feelings so they don't become debilitating. It may take a lot of work on all of you guys part, especially you and your mother.

Your father is really doing the best he can with what's going on. I'm guessing he isn't trying to hurt your Mom or anything, he is just trying to do the best he can in his own life.

If you don't respect him anymore, I'd say quit the company and go work elsewhere too. Best wishes, and stay cool-headed. No need to kill or hurt them intentionally as that starts a cycle of violence that will come back to haunt you and make the situation for your mother and you worst.

[marinik]

I have been in a similar situation but I chose not to tell my mother. What she does not know can not hurt her.

I cleared it up with my father and it turned out for the best. Neither my mother or my father are lonely at 75 and plus, alone. They have eachother and what was in the past is not something that is "stuck" between them.

It is not only a matter of so called honesty! It is much too complicated to be simplified and told up front. Much care and thought and love has to go into it. You never know if maybe long ago your mother had an affair you know nothing about and she and Dad got over it....

Families are like soap operas, you just find out later.. when all the "young" zest and belief in "and they lived happily ever after" is gone. Thank God!

[ang569]

Gosh girl....I so hate that for you. This post brought back so many memories for me. What I do NOT understand is why do they bring them in their homes. I mean how STUPID can one be? Do they want the wife to say "ok honey, I like her too and I totally understand why you wanna f*** her, she's awesome!" Geez!

My fathers 1st whore, slept in the same bed with me, the eve of a big beach trip that she and my MOTHER was taking TOGETHER. We stayed up talking about how "perfect" I would be for her ""perfect" son.

Then when my Mother found out, it was heartbreaking. I can remember her BF coming over to comfort her and my Mom would sit at the table and cry and cry and cry. Sad sad.

I'm sorry for you, it sucks but remember this, his role as a father is totally different than that of a husband. I hope that makes sense.

Hang in there and be strong for your Mom!

[ang569]

One more thing, I just remembered. My Mother used to say that ignorance is bliss. Once, I was questioning something about my husband and she told me not to pry. She said to keep on being the best wife I could be and if he was doing something, it would come out eventually. That he would hang himself basically. Just makes me think that through my Dad's affairs, maybe in a hindsight prospective, she wished maybe she didnt know about it. Because in the end, they stayed together.

I think, for your Mom, confront the girl, run her off.

Keep us posted and good luck!

[Daffy Duck]

This is what I would do:

Don't feel bad about invading your dad's privacy. When a man does something that affects his family, it becomes EVERYONE's issue, and therefore any right to his privacy is, in my opinion, VOID.

You need to figure out if you should tell your mom. Would she want to know? If so, then tell her. Tell her gently and tell her soon. And what about you? Do you want to tell her? This all depends on your view of honesty. If you think it's better to be dishonest or keep this secret, then do it. But if your conscious tells you otherwise, it's best to listen.

I hope this experience doesn't pervert your view of love. Some people give up on true love and a life of honest happiness, but they do exist. Many "old" people have it. Just be strong enough to create it.

[Indiana]

You seem to be placing a lot of blame on the woman for this, and letting your dad off pretty lightly. Surely they share equal responsibility for the affair?

You say she is a 'whore' who is 'taking advantage' and she shouldn't be able to look your mother in the eye... and yet your father is simply 'being led around', 'is totally sympathetic'... etc. Isn't it your father who should be embarrassed to look your mother in the eye? He is the one cheating on her and bad-mouthing her behind her back to you!

Personally, I think it's none of your business. If you want to raise it with anyone, your father is the only appropriate person. The other woman is not your concern.

[MidasGirl]

I can imagine how angry this must make you, because you are hurting for your mother. My father is in his late 60's and still sleeps around on my mother, with girls even in their 20's mind you. So I hear ya.

I agree that the person you need to confront is your father. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to figure out how to tell your mother, or you'll tell her yourself. Yes a man (or woman for that matter) needs to know that when they cheat on their children's mother it hurts not just their mother, but their children as well. Just tell him how you feel about it. Who knows maybe your mom already knows? Maybe sometimes women (especially women of a certain age) may have an agreement, even an unspoken one, where they might know something is going on but they don't wanna know. But I wouldn't be an accomplice in denying your mother the truth. What would you want from your daughter, if you had one and she became aware of such a thing?

[Acting Like Godot]

If I were you, I would have a private conversation with your dad, before I decide what to do next.

Say, "Hello, Dad, can we have a good chat somewhere in a quiet place".

Hear him out, then decide on your next step (if any).

[LifeFirst]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Whatever gave you the right to invade his privacy?

You come across as a jealous woman, a meddling busybody and dishonest. What your father does is his business. If you don't like that, tell him and go work somewhere else.

And don't hide behind 'devastating for mother'. She's a grown up and can handle her own business.

WTF???

It's his father for Christ sakes....you're telling me that you would do nothing while you watch your own mother make coffee for this lady while they're smiling and chatting about?? You'd just turn a blind eye and smile and laugh along with them?? LOL...well I just don't know what to say.

He brought her into the house in front of his wife.....think about that.

[Daffy Duck]

I agree it's best to talk with your dad first. Heck, if he knows that you know, he may be willing to tell his wife about it (if she doesn't already know). But if he decides to keep it secret, then you decide what to do next with your knowledge. You know your parents and situation better than any of us. You'll know what is best to do.

[Vasilisa]

I know how much this hurts. When I was in the same situation, I called my Dad first, told him everything I thought about all that in not very good terms. Next, I called the woman and screamed at her, using bad language and etc.
Well, now, when all of it is over and my parents are still together, my Dad forgave me, of course and I'm not sorry for a single bad word I've said to that woman (who was a friend of my Mom by the way before all that dirty business). I felt like I needed to do it, to protect my Mom, because she was lost, she couldn't do it.
I'm happy I'm not a guy, otherwise I woukd probably got physical with them, so mad I was that they insulted my Mom like that, being in her house, pretending to be her friend. Honestly, still mad with that woman and a little with my Dad, though I love him and understand his middle life crisis, he never did anything like that before.

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by Vasilisa

my Dad forgave me

Your dad forgave you for his cheating? That sounds quite backwards.

My girlfriend's dad cheated on his wife and created a bit of strife in the family. My girlfriend and her sister have accepted it, but it sure screwed up "family time" for a while, and I think both of them have lost some respect for their dad that he can never earn back. That's what we call consequences.

Breaking promises can suck, especially an intimate promise. People tend to hold these more seriously. As a man, I find it much more enjoyable to just keep my promises and don't make any I can't or wouldn't want to keep. It's interesting how many other men insist on punching themselves in the face, figuratively speaking.

[marinik]

I agree with all that put the Dad in the hot seat. But it depends on the father-daughter relationship.

To be pragmatic, I would take care of the women lurking around your mothers life to control that damage first and then take care of dear Dad if you can talk to him that way.

Men in their 60's do tend to behave like teenagers when younger women are concerned, and need a verbal "spanking" but on the other hand it is their life.

Mothers on the other hand at that age seem to live in a totally different reality, more focused on maybe raising grandchildren, forgetting that that there is still a man with a sex drive around them. Times are changing but not that fast.

And again every family is a story for it self. We have to be wise and as Daffy said take into consideration all the variables in that specific equation.

[Mynder]

Talk to your dad. Tell him you know, and you'd like to hear his side of the story. This is important. This will show you whether he's just lying to himself and pretending that he's a victim, or whether he's at least consciously deciding to be in the spot he's in (i.e. whether he blames the world/the younger woman or whatever, or whether he takes responsibility for his actions).

You might mention your mother, and whether he thinks that having the "new girl" around the house okay, and whether he thinks it is okay to hurt her in that way once she finds out.

I am not sure, but from what you're telling me, he's kind of trying to get you to be on good terms with the new woman. Ask him why. What is he trying to do? Create a "new" family with the new woman taking over as "mother"?

One thing is very, very likely, and that is that your dad is probably feeling many conflicting emotions right now (as are you), and that talking to him may even help him find what he needs to decide or what is at the root of everything.

Try not to blow up in his face, though. It would vent your anger for a moment, but remembering who he has been for you for all of your life, and what he has done FOR you AND your mother, and also remembering the love and care that probably was there before you found out about his affair, doing this will allow you to approach him in a way that may help you understand.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

This is what I would do:

Don't feel bad about invading your dad's privacy. When a man does something that affects his family, it becomes EVERYONE's issue, and therefore any right to his privacy is, in my opinion, VOID.

...

Doesn't this conflict with honesty and integrity? If I suspect my dad of having an affair, does that give me the right to read his skype / email / whatever? Why? What if it turns out he does not have an affair?

Invading someone's privacy should only happen in extreme circumstances. However painful TS's situation is, it is not extreme.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by LifeFirst

WTF???

It's his father for Christ sakes....

Sunmaid sounds more like a 'she' .

you're telling me that you would do nothing while you watch your own mother make coffee for this lady while they're smiling and chatting about?? You'd just turn a blind eye and smile and laugh along with them?? LOL...well I just don't know what to say.

No I am not saying that. Read again.

He brought her into the house in front of his wife.....think about that.

Even without invading dad's privacy it seems clear there's an affair going on. I would talk with dad, and if he admits that he is having an affair, ask him to keep that lady away from mother and the family home. The rest is between mother and father. I would also go look for another job, personally. I'd also ask him to recognize that now I have a problem: should I tell mother, or not? My preference is that he tells her. I'd decide what to do next based on how this conversation would go.

[marinik]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

.
Even without invading dad's privacy it seems clear there's an affair going on.

No daughter wants to "see " it happening to her parents neither does she wrongfully accuse her father to being in an affair. Sorry Spirit but you have to be a daughter to understand this.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by marinik

No daughter wants to "see " it happening to her parents neither does she wrongfully accuse her father to being in an affair. Sorry Spirit but you have to be a daughter to understand this.

It's not different for sons, I imagine.

I didn't say or suggest TS wrongfully accused her father.

[marinik]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

It's not different for sons, I imagine.

I didn't say or suggest TS wrongfully accused her father.

Maybe I wasn't very clear. When you spot all the clues that your father is cheating on your mother you just don't want to believe it so in a way you are blind to it. It has to be very, very obvious. And if it is and you haven't caught them in the act you are afraid to confront him because you still believe it might be just your imagination.

And yes I suppose it is the same in a son - mother relationship. Although I doubt it from my personal experience with my kids and others...

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by marinik

Maybe I wasn't very clear. When you spot all the clues that your father is cheating on your mother you just don't want to believe it so in a way you are blind to it. It has to be very, very obvious. And if it is and you haven't caught them in the act you are afraid to confront him because you still believe it might be just your imagination.

All the more reason to talk about it with dad then... Better than to invade his privacy IMO. Such a talk may not be easy to initiate but is much more aligned with courage and integrity.

And yes I suppose it is the same in a son - mother relationship. Although I doubt it from my personal experience with my kids and others...

Not sure what you mean here? A son wouldn't mind his father cheating as much as a daughter?

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Doesn't this conflict with honesty and integrity?

Not to me. Even you said it should only happen in extreme circumstances. IMO, this falls enough under the "extreme" category.

Without going into all the gory details, my brothers and I recently discovered my mentally and physically handicapped brother's bank account was being robbed of nearly $100,000 by my parents. I had no problem with invading some of my dad's email to find more information. What they were doing affects the family negatively, therefore, privacy "rights" are void.

What if it turns out he does not have an affair?

Then apologize and explain why you did it.

I agree it may have been better to try talking to the dad first, but what if he denied it? Or what if [insert hypothetical here]? Reading his Skype is okay to me in this situation.

[marinik]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

All the more reason to talk about it with dad then... Better than to invade his privacy IMO. Such a talk may not be easy to initiate but is much more aligned with courage and integrity.



Not sure what you mean here? A son wouldn't mind his father cheating as much as a daughter?

Yes and it is proven to be so. It is a biological connection.

The daughter is more attached to the father - male/female, and vice versa. I am not saying that the son is not hurt more, but because of the mother and his relationship with her - the tie between mother and son is a topic of classics. Bu the daughter always thinks of her father as the hero who never sins!

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Not to me. Even you said it should only happen in extreme circumstances. IMO, this falls enough under the "extreme" category.

Why? TS could have talked to her dad without going through his Skype?

Without going into all the gory details, my brothers and I recently discovered my mentally and physically handicapped brother's bank account was being robbed of nearly $100,000 by my parents. I had no problem with invading some of my dad's email to find more information. What they were doing affects the family negatively, therefore, privacy "rights" are void.

That is truly a horrible situation. But still it doesn't justify for me invading a person's email. In case of crime let the police deal with it. The family has been affected negatively anyway by the strong suspicions.

Then apologize and explain why you did it.

Why run the risk of apologizing in the first place? Why not be honest with him first?

I agree it may have been better to try talking to the dad first, but what if he denied it? Or what if [insert hypothetical here]? Reading his Skype is okay to me in this situation.

If dad would deny it, it depends whether I would believe it. If I didn't believe it, I'd probably tell him so and that I would tell mother of my suspicions.

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Why?

I can never give you a satisfactory answer, because we fundamentally disagree on what "being honest" is all about in this situation.

To me, if I constantly badmouth my wife to my kids and start running around with another woman, I open myself up to investigation. You disagree with this, and that's fine. Fortunately for my future kids (if any) and wife, I would never do that.

A daughter reading a father's email is not really a big privacy issue in my opinion, especially if he did it on a company PC or something like that. In my case, I straight up told my dad I read his email. His lies suddenly fell apart and he couldn't help but stumble over his words.

In case of crime let the police deal with it.

Heheh, the police don't do squat. It takes a while to go through the court system and get all of this handled.