My little sister

[icerain]

Hi Everyone,

I feel like I'm stuck in an infinite circular loop when it comes to my relationship with my little sister and really need some objective advice. Please feel free to be frank if there's any helpful comments you would like to make.

I am 10 years older than my sister. We grew up really, really poor. My parents are both good people in general but not good parents. My dad is a workaholic and my mom is a narcissist (she went off to "find herself" from my middle school years till the middle of college).

For as long as I can remember, it was my responsibility to take care of my sister. My sister was an angel, both in looks and behavior, as a child. She made it so easy to love her and I loved her dearly. It was hard for me because my parents told me in no uncertain terms that I was unwanted while my sister was showered with love. However, if I didn't take care of her, there was no one else to.

I always had a few jobs and paid for everything myself, including clothes and toys for my sister when my mom went away. During highschool, I took her with me everywhere, much to the annoyance of the few friends I had. During college (with loans), I took care of her during every summer vacation and spring break with $0 from my parents.

Throughout all of this, I had always imagined, perhaps expected, that one day when she was older, we would have an amazing and awesome bond. She would love me and value me and appreciate me. I was horrified to slowly discover that this was not the case at all.

My sister is now working and in her early twenties. She seems fairly self-centered, somewhat inconsiderate, and most importantly, she seems not have the ability to empathize. In hopes of making our relationship better (when I still had some hope), I spoke with her about this. She acknowledged it and said it's because "she grew up normal", not like me, so she doesn't really understand but will try.

After another conversation about this with her, she has stopped contacting me altogether. My mom said she's just sick of this. It's been a few weeks and without her in my life, I feel like I'm missing a body part. She is always in my thoughts and I miss her as the baby sister I've always had. At the same time, the thought of having her in my life turns my insides into knots. I just don't think I can take how she is anymore. I feel like I'm stuck somewhere between feeling like a mother and a sister and I just don't know how to manage my expectations. I wonder if we'll ever have close relationship in the future or if this is the end result for all of the work I put in during my youth.

Sorry about this long post! I think it was healthy maybe to just get it out. If you can read to this point and have any helpful advice or a different perspective, I'd love to read it. Thank you!!

[Indiana]

It sounds to me like you have been an amazing older sibling (sister? brother?) and have acted more like a parent than anything to your sister.

However, now that she's out on her own, forging her own life, perhaps she's going through a phase where she feels she needs to break away from the parental figures in her life and do her own thing for a while. We tend to think teenagers are self-centred, but the early 20s is a time of even greater independence.

Give her some space. I'm sure that inside, your sister realises, or will realise how much you have done for her. Sometimes it takes a little while though, and you can't hurry people along on that journey. She may have even become a little spoilt with all the attention and fuss she has been used to, and needs time to grow as a person.

I know the idea of waiting a few years till she matures might seem an eternity, especially when just a few weeks weighs on you. But like many people, she will probably go through a phase of selfishness, and self-discovery, and then gradually become aware of just who she is really grateful for in life.

Your expectations of her behaviour are hurting you, and her, to a degree. If you can let them go, and let her be, I think eventually you will achieve the relationship you have imagined.

[ssandra]

You were more or less a parent to her.. So it is only normal that now in her early 20s she tries to get away and establish her own identity.

Give her space.

She is not your little sister anymore, but an adult with her own views and her own life.

[saintssupporter]

First of all icerain well done on raising your sister, you sound like you were a fantastic parent (I know you said sibling !) and did all you could to help her in times of hardship. As Sandra said maybe she does view you as the parent and is finding her way in the world and this is not your fault or hers, its needs to be done in order for her to mature and learn not everything will fall into her lap as you did for her . Take stock of your life and get out there and start meeting new people, take up a course, travel, party do something that you have always wanted to do, a bit of "me" time keeping in mind you have done all you can for her and now she is on her own two feet

[spirit4711]

@Icerain, if you expect something (a bond with your sister in this case) you're headed for disillusionment. People don't like to meet others' expectations, it feels often like demands.

Offer your love and care to her. If she reciprocates, fine. If she doesn't, fine too. Her choice. The more you push, the more she will withdraw.

[Andyee]

That is the problem with the youth - they appreciate something if it is too late. Maybe you could ignore for some time ( i can't find the exact word) and she will try to get your attention back

[icerain]

Thank you everyone for the extremely helpful responses. Based on everyone's advice, I will do my best to limit my expectations and just give her the space she needs at this time in her life. Also, I will try to focus on myself instead of harping on this endlessly.

Uh! what a hard lesson this is! I've held on to this fantasy for so many years, it's so difficult for my mind to let it go.

Also, thank you to everyone who said I was a good "parent" to my sister. Thinking back, there are so many things I would have done differently and I was probably more like a caretaker than a parent. Weird but I assumed my sister was just a mini version of me and knew/felt everything I did at her age. I didn't realize she's a different human being completely until much later! Oh well, I guess we all just do the best we can.

thank you all again. You've definitely help me find a source for peace. I just need to work on not letting it slip away.

[ns123]

Icerain,

I have this same sort of relationship with my brother too, I practically was a 2nd mom to him. What I would like to tell you is forgive yourself.

It sounds like you were a wonderful caregiver, that you stepped up to fill in the shoes when fate called upon you to do so. So good on you! Sure we all make mistakes, but don't beat yourself up for those mistakes, because you were really young and just a child yourself. You did the best you knew how. You did good.

My advice would be what the other posters said here. Give her some space, try not to blame yourself. She did not turn out this way because of you... there were so many other factors (like your self centered inconsiderate mom). It could also be a competitive thing that siblings have - even tho I'm a 2nd mom to my brother, he and I still compete.

It could also stem from a feeling of "you owe me" or "I'm better than you" that you seem to be broadcasting, though not on purpose. And she may resent that. I never thought I was better than my brother, but he always perceived it as that, and I inadvertently broadcasted that message. It wasn't because I was better, it was because I've been through it before. And I was trying to control him into not making the "wrong" decision... which of course, he rightfully resented.

Another thing is, now that she's an adult, try to trust her more. Give her the options and follow up with, "I trust you, and you're capable, and no matter what decision you make, you will be ok." If I have a strong preference for an option (like save your money instead of buying new body kit for your car), I'd say my strong preference, but still leave the decision up to him.

At this time, all you can do is give her time, live your life... and if she doesn't come around, let her go.