First Impressions

[shasah]

Recently had a conversation with some friends and we discussed first impressions. Almost unanimously I was given the image of Pollyanna or Anne of Green Gables.

How do you counteract first impressions? I think it is really putting a crimp in my ability to get a date. I'm decent looking and have a trim and toned body but it seems like most guys think I'm unapproachable or not available. Also, I have problems showing my sense of humor until I'm comfortable around someone.

So, any tips on how to make the first impression more approachable and less miss innocent (without going overboard)?

[drakecatz]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by shasah

Recently had a conversation with some friends and we discussed first impressions. Almost unanimously I was given the image of Pollyanna or Anne of Green Gables.

OMG! I hope you're not loud too! You must be opinionated and extraverted.

Tone yourself down. Smile and be approachable by reminding yourself to be calm. Don't be domineering. Follow instead of leading conversations. Do you talk too much? Don't. Ask questions. See things for what they are. Be realistic. hee... I think the main thing that is annoying about Pollyanna is her refusal to see things in a realistic manner.

I think if Pollyanna or Anne were realistic and quieter, better listeners, they would be really amazing people. They are characters. What annoys you about them annoys everyone. Be other than that. Have fun with this, Pollyanna! You know it's not so bad....

[shasah]

You made me see a different side of it. I thought they were saying that I appear to be little miss innocent and that I give the appearance of thinking my sh__ doesn't stink. Maybe I need to view each character and reassess.

Thanks for the input.

Either way, not the way I want to be seen by someone first meeting me. At least I have some ideas on what to work on.

[Andy4]

Hi shasah,

Hope you are well.

First impressions are obviously vital, especially when you are dating. You've got to get past first base but this part of it is easier for women because rightly or wrongly men tend to make the approach.

Laughing and smiling a lot is important for first impressions, fake it if someone you fancy comes into view. A guy is always attracted to a girl that smiles a lot, he automatically feels more comfortable about an approach.

Something I learned a long time ago that I've mentioned before on this forum is this, I dont think that I have ever got it accross properly because it is as much of a feeling as an action.

Treat everyone you meet the same and I do mean everyone. Men and women, your work colleagues, shop assistants, potential partners, everyone. Dont think about the future too much, just concentrate on making small, little, TINY, friendly encounters, does this make sense, these can and often do grow into bigger things.

Try making the fist move not just with people you fancy but with everyone. Say the first thing that comes into your head, you'll be amazed how people respond. However do it calmly though with a clear voice, no negatives

IE " I'm not very good at this but... I dont usually do this but...no it doesnt really matter...etc."

drakecatz says ask questions, I agree with this but mix them in with statements no-one likes to feel quizzed, without being too technical jen up on a couple of fun topical issues before you go on your night out. For example today in the uk there was a news feature about a doberman that gave birth to a record number of pups I think it was 18, stuff like that, also men love sport and love girls that do, trust me.

The final thing I would say may sound counter productive but it works.

If you are actively looking for a prospective partner then stop it.

Finding the right person takes time, concentrate on going out making friends and having fun, stick to a couple of venues, so prospective suitors know your habbits and more importantly, CHOOSE THE RIGHT GUY. Do not settle for second best because you feel lonely. It's far better to feel lonely than be unhappy.

A good book on this is by LEIL LOWNDES. I think its called 90 tips about relationships/people etc.

Regards, Andy.

[shasah]

Thanks Andy, a lot of good advice there. On the friendship scene, I am making a lot of progress and really enjoy my time with them. Although the friendships are fairly new, they have quickly developed and we can talk about anything and everything.
The dating scene is another story entirely. And I understand exactly what you are saying about "stop it". It's just easier said than done I've relaxed my attitude tremendously but still have a ways to go. The friendships are definitely more important to me but they can't provide everything. I'll keep working on it. Just FYI, being alone is sooo much better than living in the place where I was. Happy and occassionally lonely vs miserable and watching TV every night is definitely a step in the right direction. I just always want what I want when I want it. Need to learn a little patience
Take care!!

[LifeFirst]

I never, EVER, put anything into first impressions. Because everytime I looked at someone and had preconceived notions, given a first impression, I was wrong every single time.

I will never judge anyone before getting to know them. Hell, I still wouldn't judge anyone after I've known them.

I think first impressions are just dangerous and it really prevents a lot of us from having good relationships with people.

I mean, I used to go to a school that's 60% Black and now I live close to a Somalian neighborhood around my place. And all the time I would these black kids with their hats on backwards walking with baggy pants and that type of stuff....Now a lot of them don't smile too often, a lot of them aren't what you would call friendly if you don't know them....a lot of them do swear a lot. But if I had judged them based on that first impression....then I wouldn't have met some of the good people that I know now.

After this experience, it would be shameful for me to criticize anyone at all.

[marinik]

I am trained to rely on first impressions. And it works for me not only professionally but in "ordinary" life too.

And BTW to spoil your fun we do make our opinion of somebody in about 20 seconds. This is what pure science says. We compute the 4 billion bits of information we get every second and decode it through our "systems" to arrive to a conclusion - like, not like, can talk to, can't...and so on... and on... to change it we need a lot of input on the contrary.

[chrisrushton]

First impressions are what you can do in the first 20 seconds. I'd not heard that exact figure but i'll assume the post above is true. It sounds about right to me though.

Bearing that in mind, what can you know in the first 20 seconds?

1) What kind of clothes someone is wearing.
2) How someone's hair is done

You can make a generally quite good judgement about people by how they present themselves visually. In less geeky terms, their style. If your style is screaming little miss innocent but you don't want to be seen that way, you could change your style a little bit. Not saying dress like a massive slut (unless you want to be seen as one), but your clothes should be a physical manifestation of your inner state of mind. If girls aren't going to put effort into the way they look, I make the judgement straight away that they aren't going to put effort into other areas of their life. I'm not going to even bother talking to them more often than not. Unless I know them personally or I'm playing the wingman role with friends.

3) How someone holds themselves

If someone looks depressed, they probably feel depressed. Same is true for most emotions / states of mind. If you're acting shy and small, people are going to assume that's what you're like. It's probably true to a certain extent, I don't know many confident people that slink around in the corners, trying to avoid eye contact (for example, not saying you are like that).

4) How you talk

Note, not what you say, but how you say it. You can't possibly know anyone well in 20 seconds so what you say doesn't really matter at this point. If you speak quietly and into your chest, you'll come across as shy. If you project your voice and speak clearly, you'll come across as confident.

That's my thoughts. I don't see how you can learn much more in 20 seconds. If I've missed anything, let me know!

[this is fun]

This was an interesting book for me to read, it's not specifically related to only first impressions. The author discusses 'thin slicing'' and how we decide what we decide:
Amazon.com: Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking (9780316172325): Malcolm Gladwell: Books

[shasah]

Thanks for the input.

Just as in this thread, there are people in life that depend on first impressions, and some that discount them, and I know some of both. It's actually kind of funny, because in the business world, I don't have problems with first impressions or dealing with new people, etc. In my personal life, however, I am not nearly as confident. Not really sure why. I will look at the advice given and implement some. The book looks interesting, I have never heard of thin slicing, so something new to learn if nothing else.

Has anyone else had the conversation about first impressions with their friends? It's interesting to hear what other people think (if they're speaking honestly). I wish I could honestly say that I don't care what other people think. I do, but at the same time, I can't change who I am to impress other people. That's how I am in the business world, so I just need to figure out how to apply that in other areas.

[this is fun]

Originally Posted by shasah

because in the business world, I don't have problems with first impressions or dealing with new people, etc.
That's how I am in the business world, so I just need to figure out how to apply that in other areas.

Well, I think you've answered it yourself here. Look at how you act and feel in the business world and why you feel that way, then try to apply it elsewhere as well

[marinik]

Originally Posted by this is fun

This was an interesting book for me to read, it's not specifically related to only first impressions. The author discusses 'thin slicing'' and how we decide what we decide:
Amazon.com: Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking (9780316172325): Malcolm Gladwell: Books

Yes a great book!!!!

[marinik]

Originally Posted by shasah

Has anyone else had the conversation about first impressions with their friends? It's interesting to hear what other people think (if they're speaking honestly). I wish I could honestly say that I don't care what other people think. I do, but at the same time, I can't change who I am to impress other people. That's how I am in the business world, so I just need to figure out how to apply that in other areas.

Yes, I have talked many times with my friends how we came across as a first impression. Most of them say I am very strict and confident and intimidating in a way if the person standing in front of me perceives themselves as weak. But if I have a strong person "on the other side" they see my huge energy and the positive optimistic part. So much of it is self projection and use of prior experience.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by shasah

Has anyone else had the conversation about first impressions with their friends? It's interesting to hear what other people think (if they're speaking honestly). I wish I could honestly say that I don't care what other people think. I do, but at the same time, I can't change who I am to impress other people. That's how I am in the business world, so I just need to figure out how to apply that in other areas.

I have... most people see me as arrogant when they first meet me.

It has been a while that people said that to me, and it was in a time that I tried to hide my shyness by acting confident.

It would be interesting to know what people think of me now, but it is difficult to make new friends at my age (28) especially when you are not very social.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I have... most people see me as arrogant when they first meet me.

It has been a while that people said that to me, and it was in a time that I tried to hide my shyness by acting confident.

It would be interesting to know what people think of me now, but it is difficult to make new friends at my age (28) especially when you are not very social.

You are what you think about most of the time, I think.. If noones told you you seem arrogant, maybe you're not seen that way anymore. But the best thing you can do, is not worry too much what people think of you.. This is quite difficult, but at the end of the day, you can never know what someone thinks of you, and trying to find out probably isn't that helpful..

I don't know if age really determines how many friends you can/ cant make, although I suppose it's different for a female.. I'm 27 going on 28.. and I find that being in your 20s has the most flexibility with making friends. Like, I can be freinds with anyone from early 20s to mid 30s, at my age I think.. although, I don't really find myself with friends in their 30s, I'm pretty young minded I think..

As well, if you don't think that being 28 means anything (and it doesn't really) then it doesn't matter what age other people are, and so you're even more flexible with the age thing!

Although I think I'm less flexible (at 27) than I was in early 20s, because your interests change..

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by brendannz

But the best thing you can do, is not worry too much what people think of you.. This is quite difficult, but at the end of the day, you can never know what someone thinks of you, and trying to find out probably isn't that helpful...

I don´t really care what people who do not know me think of me. If it is completely different from who I am, I will look into it, because it means I am sending out a vibe that is not true to myself.

Originally Posted by brendannz

I don't know if age really determines how many friends you can/ cant make, although I suppose it's different for a female.. I'm 27 going on 28.. and I find that being in your 20s has the most flexibility with making friends. Like, I can be freinds with anyone from early 20s to mid 30s, at my age I think.. although, I don't really find myself with friends in their 30s, I'm pretty young minded I think..
.

It is not so much age as it is the type of life you have. Most friends are made while going to school or studying, some from your first job, and less and less from next jobs (is my experience anyway).

The only time that I made a friend in work, turned out that he fell in love with me, became an alcoholic again (had a relapse) when I turned him down and drank himself to death a few months later... Kinda made it difficult for me to make friends on the workplace.

Since I don´t like the "normal" social things to do (going out, being around a lot of people etc) that complicates things more.
But all this is besides the point of first impression of course..

[shasah]

I don't know if age really determines how many friends you can/ cant make, although I suppose it's different for a female.. I'm 27 going on 28.. and I find that being in your 20s has the most flexibility with making friends. Like, I can be freinds with anyone from early 20s to mid 30s, at my age I think.. although, I don't really find myself with friends in their 30s, I'm pretty young minded I think..

Although we started on first impressions, I felt this deserved a comment. Age and friends doesn't make much of a difference at all. I have friends in their 20's and 30's and I'm 45 years old. Maybe the older you get, the more acceptable it is? The person that I hang around with the most and talk to about everything is 29. And no, I don't see her as a daughter, just a very good friend. I don't think she sees me as a mother either because she wouldn't say some of the things she does Basically trying to say, don't discount someone that is older/younger than you as a friend. You'd be surprised how many things you can have in common.