Changing Last Name

[dulaney0330]

I recently became married and while I love my husband very much, I still feel the desire to keep my last name. Changing my last name just seems unfair to me. I feel like women have to mess within the system and give up some of their identity.

I want to hyphenate my last name but I want to hear if anyone has done the same and/or if they experienced a sense of sorrow when giving up part of their identity.

Could it possibly be a control issue or do I sincerely want to keep my sense of identity? Not sure. Maybe both.

Maybe I am being "too feminist?"

*It can be challenging to pinpoint what is healthy and what is not!

[James81]

This is all well and good until you have kids. And then, it becomes an issue again.

Personally, I think people make too big a deal out of it. I think the idea behind it is to have all the members in the family take on a similar last name so it's not so confusing. Traditionally, it has been the girl who's done it. At one time, I figure it was a "treat her like property" kind of thing, but feminism has changed all that so it's not like taking on his last name means that now. *shrug*

At the end of the day, do whatever you think you should do. I think you're going to find it more convenient to have the same last name as your husband and kids though.

[drakecatz]

Anything you do is acceptable. I have a good friend who chose to hyphenate, and as the years went by she went by her husbands last name only. It can be a mouthful to hyphenate, and it just never stuck with her.

When it comes to the kids life is much eaiser. Everyone having the same last name makes it family, and kids are traditionalists by nature.

Giving up your last name can make it hard for very old friends to find you. Guys never change their last name, so when you are 50 years old it will be much eaiser to find old male friends. Women aren't so easy to track due to name changes.

If you're unsure, I would start by hyphenating. I think there is something very loving for both parties to share the same name. And you can keep yours too!

[ssandra]

I still have my own last name, and I will keep it.

Maybe if we are living in Mexico again I will use his name, but officially I will always have my own name.

Why? Because it is who I am, I don't want to go through the trouble of changing it, and I don't want to give up my own identity (yes, I realise that just changing the name doesn't do anything to my identity, but it is still how I would feel it).

[Lisa McGregor]

When I married I changed my name because I felt it would be less complicated and because I liked the idea of changing my "identity". (fun).However when my son was born we decided to give him my maiden name as a middle name,so keeping my surname in the family,so to speak. My one sister on the other hand decided to keep our surname and add her husband name to form a double barrelled name. Whatever you decide and that makes you happy should be fine. It's only a name.

L

[this is fun]

Some of my friends changed their last name.
Some of them added their husband's last name.
Some kept their own.

The good thing is that you have a choice nowadays, and if it makes you happy the reasons for any of of these choices are acceptable.

The only thing I've noticed that to some people you have to ''justify'' why you decided to change/keep/add last name if they've chosen differently. It's like they make you defend your choice and show their choice is better, there's only one way to go for them.

I say different things for different people.

As far as kids go, friends who do have different last names never had any problems.

[ShIxtan]

I'm a guy, with no real experience in this area, so take this with a grain of salt.

What I plan on doing, if my wife is amenable, is for us both to change our names. I'd like to pick something we can both agree on that means something to us.

In my mind this would be a symbol of forging a new family together, rather than taking up the old one tied to the past.

[MidasGirl]

Ha! I was going to suggest that...........maybe both should change names and choose a common last name they agree on.

Some guys and/or in-laws take offense when a woman marries into the family and "refuses" to take on their last name. I think it's silly.

Do whatever feels good to you. You can have your official name and use whatever other name pleases you. You only have to use your official name when it's required, which is not much of the time.

[mirandaom]

I married my high school when I was 22 and changed to his name. We divorced 11 months later (yes, that old chestnut.) and it was such a pain in the @ss to change it the first time, I just left it after our divorce. Now I'm remarried and still have my ex-husband's last name. It doesn't bother my husband and it doesn't bother me so I just keep it.

It does, however, bother a lot of other people. They think it seems disrespectful to my new husband and soulmate. I naturally can't be defined by a name so what do I care! In essence, just do what feels natural and right to you.

[Andyee]

You can have a double last name ( Fishburn - Simpson for example)

[dulaney0330]

Thanks for all the replies.

Like the one poster said, I also consider loving to share the last name and that is why I haven't really considered just keeping my own name. I think I may just hypenate it...although I will have to think about it more! Thanks again.

[Dreamline]

I changed my name when I was married the first time. I got divorced and the kindly judge asked me if I forgot to fill out the name changing form. I thought you had to do that after, silly me, not being a lawyer or having one. So he changed it back for me right there on the bench.

So when I got married again, I kept my maiden name and have never regretted it. It's the most irrelevent thing on the planet, has nothing to do with having kids, and hyphenating kills many people. Literally. Anyone foolish enough to hyphenate their name will be cursed for their indecision by perpetually lost files, having to spell and specify everywhere they go and the most important files of all, your medical records, will be in a shambles, I guarantee it.

So when you are about ten minutes away from death and ten minutes away from the hospital in the ambulance, no one is going to know you had an anaphylactic reaction to Xyz three years ago. They'll still be trying to find your records.

Jennifer

[Indiana]

I've spent 12 years building a professional reputation around my name as a writer and I don't intend to change it if I get married. I don't mind if my children take my husband's surname for the sake of bureaucratic ease, but I'm not going to.

[dulaney0330]

Question.

Part of the reason why I want to keep my last name is because I find it patriarchal and controlling for the man to force his name on the woman.

However, my husband says that is NOT a good reason to keep my last name.

I am torn because part of me feels controlled but part of me feels that he is right.

Suggestions or food for thought? thanks!

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Question.

Part of the reason why I want to keep my last name is because I find it patriarchal and controlling for the man to force his name on the woman.

However, my husband says that is NOT a good reason to keep my last name.!

Of course he says that... he is the patriarchal controling one in this equasion isn't he?

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

I am torn because part of me feels controlled but part of me feels that he is right.

Suggestions or food for thought? thanks!

Whatever reason feels good for you, that is ok. It doesn't have to stand up in court, you don't have to convince other people...

If you reason would be because you are afraid the tooth fairy cannot find you anymore.. that is fine as well. Whatever reason you have, that is your reason.

The part of you that feels that he is right is probably your mind, the one that does all the explaining. But life isn't that simple. Sometimes things just don't feel right without a logical explanation, that others would except.

If you don't want to change your last name, you don't have to!

[James81]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Question.

Part of the reason why I want to keep my last name is because I find it patriarchal and controlling for the man to force his name on the woman.

It used to be. It's not anymore. If anything, it's really just a tradition. And there's good reasons behind it (as I mentioned before), such as having all the people in your new family having the same last name. The days of it being used to lord over women and treat them like property are LOOOOOOONG gone, so don't buy into that feminist crap.

So why doesn't the man change HIS last name? Well, at this point mainly because society will make fun of him for it. It's a silly reason to not do it (and there are men out there who would still do it despite that), but at the end of the day it simply isn't one of those things that's really worth fighting for. Who cares about a name? it's just a name, it doesn't define you.

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

I am torn because part of me feels controlled but part of me feels that he is right.

I would say that this is an indicator that you hold a belief that isn't right and it's conflicting you. Figure out what that belief is and work it out.

IMO, it looks like you buy into what feminism tells you. and, while feminism has a lot of really great points, it also has a bunch of a misandric crap too. And can be really nitpicky.

I can tell you, from a man's point of view, that I never even gave it a second thought when my ex-wife took my last name when we got married. It was just the way it was (tradition). I didn't view it as me controlling her (even though, at the time, I was a very controlling person). Most men feel the same way.

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Suggestions or food for thought? thanks!

My suggestion is to tune out all the other voices in your head and do what you truly WANT to do. If that means taking his last name, then do it. If that means not taking his last name, then do it. If that means hyphenating your name, well, you get the picture.

Seriously, stop looking at this from "what is this going to mean?" and start looking at it as "is this something I really want to do?"

Because you taking or not taking his last name, in the grand scheme of things, really means diddly squat.

[cosmicgirl]

I was married and took my husband's surname - I absolutely hated it, not because of any controlling\dominance issues - just because it wasn't my name! it didn't mean me! to me it felt like saying the word chicken and meaning tree ... maybe I'm just a bit weird

[drakecatz]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by Dreamline

I changed my name when I was married the first time. I got divorced and the kindly judge asked me if I forgot to fill out the name changing form. I thought you had to do that after, silly me, not being a lawyer or having one. So he changed it back for me right there on the bench.

I did this too Dreamline, but I had to ask. It was so simple. I think this is a good thing for women to know.

[Dreamline]

Plus, I mean sometimes hyphenated names just sound so ridiculous.

At work, I'm being polite, doing my thing...I call a patient from the waiting room...."Ms Schneckenburger-Malificient? Hi, I'm Jen. Follow me to the dressing area and we'll be ready in a couple minutes. (Now I come back and there are six people in the waiting area) Ms Schneckenburger-Malificient, all set. Come on in. Dr Jones, this is Ms Schneckenburger-Malificient. MD: Hi Ms Schneckenburger-Malificient. It's very nice to meet you. Are you related to the Schneckenbuger-Malificient's of Raleigh? Yes? I though so. So, Ms Schneckenburger-Malificient, do you have any allergies to drugs or substances? Ok, this will only take a second. There you go. Thanks again, let us know if you have any concerns over the next couple days. It was nice meeting you Ms Schneckenburger-Malificient. (He leaves)..

I just want to be nauseated over how annoying she must find HER OWN name because it's killing me.

Jennifer

[Dreamline]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Question.

Part of the reason why I want to keep my last name is because I find it patriarchal and controlling for the man to force his name on the woman.

However, my husband says that is NOT a good reason to keep my last name.

I am torn because part of me feels controlled but part of me feels that he is right.

Suggestions or food for thought? thanks!

Ok, that would make me keep my name. Sorry.

I didn't ask my new husband-to-be, I just said "I'm thinking of keeping my name after we are married." He said "Oh. Ok."

Never another word was spoken on the subject.

It's such a non-issue to keep your name. But it's YOUR name. Keep it if you want but seriously, don't make a federal case about it. It's just makes it become an issue. Just decide. Don't debate.

Jennifer

[Yellow]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Question.

Part of the reason why I want to keep my last name is because I find it patriarchal and controlling for the man to force his name on the woman.

However, my husband says that is NOT a good reason to keep my last name.

I am torn because part of me feels controlled but part of me feels that he is right.

Suggestions or food for thought? thanks!

For name change, I would say there is NO good reason why you should change your name to your husband's in the first place, UNLESS you want to. I think the reason that is compelling you to keep it IS a good enough reason for you. Feminism has often gotten ugly, but it has also brought up some very important points. Here you feel one of them. There is NOTHING in the world wrong with keeping your name because you think its patriarchal. It is not a fight against your husband here, it is a step against the patriarchal structure of our society. If we choose to believe that it's too trivial to make decisions based on the patriarchal nature of the society then why change the name to husband's at all? If it is so trivial it shouldn't bother you and if it is then it isn't that trivial to you.

I plan to keep my name and I will be extremely disappointed if my SO thought I must take his last name. Plus I like my name. It feels like me. Nothing else feels like me and I am not interested in trying out if another name would feel like me.

Like everyone has been saying, stick with what feels right to you.

[drakecatz]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by Dreamline

Plus, I mean sometimes hyphenated names just sound so ridiculous.

Yeah. I said in a earlier post that it can be a mouthful, and it just didn't stick when my friend did it.

It also can sound quite "snotty." It's like the rich uppercrust.

By re-reading this post I really wouldn't encourage "hyphenating." And I agree, this isn't a big deal. The OP should decide what is best for her and go with that.

My "second" ex had such a difficult last name for people to say, he is Hungarian, I didn't dream of taking it! Thank God!!!

[Thomas]

Haven't read all the replies - but one thing that I haven't seen, that would maybe be interesting: If it's a real issue, both partners could change names, so that they sort of swap their last names. :-)

</crazy idea>

[neomonk]

In Canada both men and women can use the other spouses surname interchangeably with out an official name change form.

If you don't want to take the name it's up to you but the best reason I can give for taking the persons name is that when you are getting married you are like partners on a team. Having the same last name is something small that brings the team a little closer. I like the Idea of a brand new last name.

In Central America everyone here has four names, two first and two last their mothers and their fathers surnames. It's a bit much