Relationships with 'burdened' problem girls

[Markus]

Hi, yes the title is strange, still looking for a better one. (I'm German)

I'm just thinking about my relationships with women and there is something very confusing and saddening. (I'm 26 now)

Right now I'm in love with a very nice girl (29) for around 6 weeks. It's been a wonderful time with her but the worst was yet to come: 3 days ago we sat around talking about this and that and then she told me she was one of the 'Tschernobyl children'. (Russian kids living in the impact zone 1986 who got free European 'cure'-holidays from aid organisations). Furthermore she got raped as a teenager and was already pregnant twice, first time she lost the baby, second time she aborted. I couldn't sleep next night, being chased by nightmares and dolouresness. The thought that someone I feel so strong for got so much trouble and pain in his life is hard to stand.

But there was another thought: "No, not again! I finally want a girl who's allright."

You know I found some kind of strange pattern with all of my former love relationships:
I found my first girlfriend when I was 22 (I was an absolute beginner back then). After some very nice days the darkness came: She's mentally (diagnosed borderline personality disorder) and bodily ill (Chron's disease).
I did everything for her, she bled my dry in every way (quite typically for borderliners I learned), we split up after some months.
I found my second girlfriend when I was 24. After some days of joy I learned she was addicted to marihunana & crack and got raped some years ago. Tried to get her clean, consulted experts, spent many nights awake to no vail. Split up after some painful months.

So, thanks for reading all this heavy stuff this far.
I was wondering about two things:

How can you deal with the fact that your loved one got so much pain and suffering in life?
Is this a triple hap? I don't think so. What do you think?
Ok, all three of them got bright skin and dark hair but I think it got something to do with myself. Of course none of them wore a sign on her belly and I knew nothing about their problems when I fell in love with them... but maybe there is some kind of similarity in their character I unconsciously find attractive. Don't know yet. Still thinking about it... Quite irritating. Except one little depressive time when I was 21, I never got big problems, no drugs, no illnesses...

Thanks for your thoughts, greatly appreciated.

[Dreamline]

I believe we choose our current incarnations before we are born, based on past lives, unlearned lessons and sometimes karmic debt. Some of those chosen lives are decidedly positive and some seem decidedly negative. Or a combination where most of your life is easy except one aspect seems perpetually difficult.

I have figured out what my past lives meant and it's cleared me to make decisions that will hopefully kill what has been a pattern my soul has followed for perhaps hundreds if not a thousand years.

The tricky part is searching your soul and your subconscious to figure out why you may be attracting this type of situation into your life.

Though they're fictional, I got a lot of insight from reading The Celestine Prophecy books. They are simple to read but they resonated with me on many levels and helped give me a push in a direction where I was able to learn HUGE epiphany-producing insights about why I was behaving the way I was.

Jennifer

[chrisrushton]

hey, it's very unlikely you'll meet the perfect girl with no baggage. try to focus on the good aspects of the relationship rather than dwelling on the bad ones. Seems like you've had your fair share of baggage recently, but if you felt good about what you were doing before, then there shouldn't be a problem. if there is, it's probably coming from you not here.

[Grindin]

I think your in love with the emotion of love more then the girls you've dated. You can realize this because all the women you've dated have been unhealthy (according to you).

[Coffeesmurf]

I've been in a relationship with a Borderliner and also did everything I could to help her with my the same result as you. For me, I think some of the problems in that relationship stemmed from low self-esteem - I had a hard time setting boundaries and set her needs above my own.

Also, I think I had the belief that somehow a "flawed" girl was all I could aspire to having a relationship with because I wasn't interesting enough, attractive enough or whatever to attract a healthy girl. Luckily, I don't think that anymore.. maybe you're dealing with some of the same issues?

One thing's for sure - I'm never dating a Borderliner again. That's just a perfect recipe for disaster and suffering.

[Markus]

Thanks very much for all your answers.

@Dreamline: Yeah, it's really tricky to find out why I may be attracting this.
Been thinking about that a lot.

Here are my thoughts inspired by your postings:

Hm, I think it's not about that I'm thinking I'm not "good" enough for a healthy girl. hm... well I got some low self-esteem issues some years ago, but never since.
I don't know, one similarity of those girls are the big dark eyes with a kind of strange expression of sensitiveness or shyness. Maybe it got something to do with a protective instinct. They give me the feeling of being their only strong hero, their shoulder to lean on. Like a cool 80's action hero rescuing the hot babe and driving with her by the side into the night.
The other thing which came to my mind is that all three of them are not that kind of "society conform" type of person. They got exceptionally style of dress and look, taste in music and so on. Just like me

It's weird. The down thing is this kind of bleeding inside. This sad feeling of doing everything for her but not being able to help her. It's up and down.
Getting only just so little back to keep hanging on. Very similar to the relationsship with the borderliner. @Coffesmurf: I think you know exactly what I mean...

[Coffeesmurf]

Originally Posted by Markus

It's weird. The down thing is this kind of bleeding inside. This sad feeling of doing everything for her but not being able to help her. It's up and down.
Getting only just so little back to keep hanging on. Very similar to the relationsship with the borderliner. @Coffesmurf: I think you know exactly what I mean...

Very much so. For me, it hurt me intensely listening to her describe her darkest secret thoughts of suicide, self-mutilation, eating disorders and all the ways she thought she deserved to be punished for being a bad person. I also know exactly what you mean about those first "very nice days".. the start of my relationship with her was very intense and amazing.

But one of the main things the relationship taught me was that you can't help a person with a disorder like that. They can only help themselves, with the assistance of a psychiatrist and medication. The other thing I learned is how amazingly adept some people are at putting up a facade of being happy, outgoing, sweet and honest - while suffering intensenly inside and being few of these things.

[bluedragon]

I also was in 3 relationships with girls who had some serious problems, and I ended up becoming their best friend and helping them through. But it doesn't have to be that way all the time.

[marinik]

I truly think it is the way we "vibrate" - what we send out as a unconscious message out into the world. We attract the same type of people. I usually attract the womanizer. They become monogamous with me and then I leave them and them... just to find the next... I am not complaining just stating the fact. My friends tend to do the same, attract one type of personality...

I think you send out a message that you are a great caring guy that will not hurt them...who knows. Look into your core beliefs and maybe you will find what is attracting these women.

[James81]

Pay attention to the people you attract to yourself, because the type of people you find yourself attracted to says SO MUCH about who you are.

Figure out what it is about YOU that attracts these girls to you, and then decide if it's something you can change (it mostly likely is).

[AJ ARLC]

I mean, guys don't have any baggage either?

I think everyone has baggage and I think part of a relationship is one hand washing the other. It shouldn't just be men helping women with their baggage but women helping men back with some of theirs.

[this is fun]

You remind me of a friend of mine, the same pattern as yours. He's always attracted to girls who turn out to have very ''serious'' problems. Of course, everyone has baggage, far from it, but it seems their problems were more than he could deal with. It's all about you. You may not be aware of it consciously but I believe you somehow pick up on their vibe and choose them because as you already mentioned, you feel like a hero.
There's nothing wrong with helping people, in a relationship people should support each other. But be clear about your reasons and maybe secondary gains you get.
In similar situations I noticed that sometimes people use this because they want to keep the other person by making them feel 'indebted' later on. If you only give and don't receive anything it very easily turns into resentment. Was there some other situation where you felt you failed to help someone and now you try to correct it through your relationships?

If you want to change the type of girls you are attracted to, try to figure out what it is that you liked in your girlfriends so far and why. The other way to go, I guess, would be to accept it and learn your lessons.

[CoolBee]

I understand how you feel - almost all of my past relationships have been with guys with 'issues'. Its only recently I put my finger on the common issues - mothers, workaholicism, totally wrapped up in themselves - our whole relationships have focused on talking about them and their issues.

I was talking about this with a friend who always attracts guys who turn out to be controlling neat-freaks.

We were discussing that it must be something unconscious in the way we present ourselves (clothes, personality whatever) because we don't sit there with a clipboard interviewing guys and saying "ok, so you have mother issues - great date me - heal yourself then spit me out" or "obsessed with tidiness? want to run my life for me, great date me!", whatever it may be.

That way of presenting must be something we have unconsciously learned to attract particular types of guys in to our lives, but why on earth? I figured mine is probably something to do with 'needing to feel needed - not being loveable for my own sake'.

I became aware of this and did some 'afformation' (NB not affirmations) work in April and suddenly, out of the blue, came this totally different guy - like noone I ever dated before (emotionally that is - he's got physical features that I always find attractive) - heavily focused on ME not himself!

It's a nice fluffy fun and HONEST relationship right now (by which I mean I behave normally with him - if I don't like something he says I tell him instead of tiptoing about) - not a big heavy 'love as a drug addiction' type feeling . For the first time in what feels like millenia, instead of me riding to the jail on a big white charger waving my Xena WP Sword to rescue him, I'm gonna be sat right there in the jail with him laughing my head off. And you know what, it feels GREAT! Even though for various reasons this one has a deadline in the not too distant future, I'm 'living in the now' enjoying what we have and not building up some big plans.

I know why he's in my life. I asked him why I am in his. We haven't quite figured that one yet, but I think I am getting an inkling.

[Mogget]

Originally Posted by Markus

How can you deal with the fact that your loved one got so much pain and suffering in life?

Allow me to paraphrase and see if this makes anything jump out:

You attract and are attracted to girls who turn out to have big emotional issues.

When you date a girl with heavy problems you try to fix her...

When the fix doesn't work, she doesn't change and become nice and normal for you and the relationship eventually ends.

So to me that provides a few options on how you want to look at things... you could ask yourself:

Generally, what kind of man attracts people with messed up emotional problems? What characteristics are attractive to those sort of peope? DoI display those?

Apart from their physical appearance and messed up heads what else to these girls have in common? Does their tragic past show up in the way they hold themselves, talk to people, a flair for drama, a quiet reserve, do they share humor, interests etc? How did each of them BEHAVE when you first felt attracted to them... very forward? Very shy? Indifferent? Defensive? Try to find the common patternthat you are picking up on.

you might ask yourself why you have an urge to fix broken people? Is there someone in your personal past that you tried to fix but couldn't, did you imprint on stroies about rescuing damsels in distress and heroic knights? Did you grow up wxposed to someone in your life who achieved a great rescue and was admired for it? What do you get out of trying to fix people? What is it that makes you stick around and what is the final straw that makes you leave?

And then you might be interested in finding out why you have trouble leaving people to their own misery? Are you able to accept and love someone who IS messed up without trying to fix them? If they are "impossible" to live with are you able to accept that that is how they are and refuse to live with them, to set up your own boundaries and let them be theirselves without interference? Can you leave them without trying to fix them first?

Do you have a way of dealing with the fact that MANY women have had one or another kind of tragedy in their past and that if you class them as 'abnormal' you might be waiting a long time to find the girl who has never faced a real trauma... and how would you both deal with a trauma if it came up? Can a relationship with two people who have never suffered have the strength to help each other through a terrible event?

Just some thoughts from somone who spent 15 years falling for emotionally unavailable, damaged men - and who had to learn the long way what was working for me and what wasn't.

[Andyee]

Man... there are several possibilities why you get girls " with problems"... But maybe is that your mission in life is to make people's life better? If you dump her, you will feel bad (conscious will be talking)...

[Markus]

Wow, thanks for all your advice, I appreciate it very much.
I won't see her for the next 10 days, 'cause she's visiting her mother (We keep calling, though).

So I got plenty of time to think about everything and get my mind together again.

You have brought up very good points and questions to me, thanks again (especially @mogget and @Coolbee). Many thoughts in my head (which is good, 'cause it's getting me things forward and clearer).

I agree it's important to set up boundaries.

Unlike coffesmurf all three girls I got a relationsship with didn't tell me about suicide or being a bad person, but those horrible things from their past, which is always about being a victim (of rape, accidents, drugs or illness). Combined with that it's about their frequent trouble to get along with everyday things like other people, apprenticeship, job, flat matters and sexuality, which they kept telling me. For some strange reasons this a pattern which has been adjusted very quickly in all of the relationsships and got me managing many parts of their lifes with my time, heart and money.

E.g. my last call with my girl (who's visiting her mother) was mainly about her nausea, fear of planecrash, actually straying in a foreign city for hours aswell as having not eaten or slept properly since three days.

Yeah, I need boundaries: Not taking these things too seriously. Not rewarding her problem-filled stories with my devotion. I tried it on the phone today, I even got the courage to aswer her whining with some irony, like "I could get killed in my car while calling you now, too. Oh, this bend looks mean..." After the call I felt much better, can you imagine? Weird...

Well regarding those characteristics of myself which could play a certain role... Besides those things I already wrote about another point comes to my mind: I'm far from being shy flirting with girls as I got a ready tongue with irony and sexual allusions. But actually I'm quite inhibited in many ways: telling my own wishes, deciding our leisure plans and most of all practical sexuality.
Damn, I think the scales fall from my eyes. My inhibition of sexuality and aggressivness (positively viewed, or better say leadership) could be the key to the whole thing...

[RT Wolf]

Perhaps you're addicted to the role of being a savior or the rescuer so you keep finding people to save. Makes me wonder what would change if you actually saved someone from themself.