Marriage, Divorce, and Children

[Ethan]

Assuming two people are married and have a young child and things just aren't working out between them, what should they do?

I think it's best to find love and happiness elsewhere if it just CANT work out...But it's statistically proven that children with two parents perform better and it's of course just better to have two supporting parents. I know that people can and do come out of one parents homes as amazing people, just to clear up that I'm attacking one parent homes.

So how does everyone win in this situation in the best way possible for all, parents and child?

[aelle]

Do what's best for you. Ultimately, we parent by modeling more than by teaching, so doing what's best for you will ultimately teach your children to be in charge of their happines.

Originally Posted by Ethan

.../....But it's statistically proven that children with two parents perform better and it's of course just better to have two supporting parents .../...

It does not say that they have to be their biological parents... If it's important to you, you can have a second (and a third and a fourth) adult role model around the children on a regular basis.

It's also proven that children, as young as newborns, sense their parents' depression or general misery. There's no point in keeping your children in an environment of resentment and lack of love - and what kind of role model would you be for their future love life?

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Ethan

But it's statistically proven that children with two parents perform better and it's of course just better to have two supporting parents.

Just because you get a divorce, doesn´t mean that the child looses a parent.. or at least, it shouldn´t.

The best solution I have heard so far is the one where the children live in their own house, and the parents switch houses every week, or every other week.

I don´t believe that children who see their father every other weekend for 2 days is healthy... At least try and live close together so that they can spend time with each parent equally.

[MidasGirl]

I think staying in an unhappy marriage does more harm than good to a child. I do agree that a 2-parent situation would be the ideal for a child, but not at any expense. Children are more resilient than we give them credit for, and if you are honest with them (in age appropriate ways) they are very understanding. The problem I have with most parents who divorce is that they are so incredibly unaware of the damage it does to the children to use them as pawns. And even some of the people who come across as real smart do it. Mostly because they let their emotions and the satisfaction of revenge blind them to the pain of their children.

[James81]

It's far better for a child to be in a home where his parents can be happy (even if it's in two different homes) then it is to be in a home where his parents are miserable but stay together just for his/her sake.

The win-win situation? That's when both of the parents who realize they can't be happy together split up and go their separate ways without dragging the child into the middle of their bickering, who always put their child's well-being first, and know how to come together and get along for the sake of their children.

[Abitofzen]

Ditto.

My parents really didn't like each other that much.

They stayed together for me and my sisters... and I appreciate the suffering they went through to keep the family together... but I don't think they really did us any favors

It's been said already... but you should make a habit of living whatever you want for your children.

Want your children to be happy?

Then embrace the wisdom of Joseph Campbell:

Follow Your Bliss!

keep smiling,

Ben

[ns123]

It depends on what things are not working out. If the issues can be resolved, with counseling or some professional help, I would highly encourage it.

But if both sides decide that the issues are too unsolvable and are not willing to commit to solve them, I'd say it's best to split up. If I were a child, I would rather have separate happy parents and together unhappy parents.

If you do split up, I would advise you remain civil and polite with one another. Now, some times, it's not possible to have this ideal situation... and if it's not, there's nothing you can do to control the other person. Just try to keep things civil, split even times between the children, and let go of each other.

Granted, two parents families are ideal, but that's really only if the parents are happy and on the same page. The condition of just having two parents in and of itself is not the ideal.

[JMan]

One, the other, or both of the parents need to choose love again. Choose it. Work at it. Do it. Divorce is social destruction.

Oh, and our society values 'happiness' more than sacrifice, nullification more than committment, instant gratification more than long term fulfillment.

Maybe people are in a difficult situation to learn that they can work THROUGH it?

[James81]

Originally Posted by JMan

One, the other, or both of the parents need to choose love again. Choose it. Work at it. Do it. Divorce is social destruction.

Oh, and our society values 'happiness' more than sacrifice, nullification more than committment, instant gratification more than long term fulfillment.

Maybe people are in a difficult situation to learn that they can work THROUGH it?

That's an interesting set of beliefs. Personally, I think that people need to back of the whole "work" perspective on relationships. A truly happy relationship involves:

1. Finding the right person (compatibility)
2. Communication
3. Maintenance (i.e. not getting lazy, but continuing to do the things that attracted you to each other in the first place)

If your current relationship isn't getting that, then either leave and find someone you can have that with or go to a counsellor and see if you can work it out.

But don't spend the rest of your life beating at a dead horse. Sometimes you just make mistakes. No sense punishing yourself for making a mistake.

[marinik]

I have 4 children. 2 from my husbands first marriage, I have one from my first marriage, and we have 1 together in this one, for both second marriage. All the kids have grown up with us. They have grown up into wonderful people, happy, successful..

The biggest problem they had in growing up was the "third" biological parent making a mess out of their lives, so the stepfather is their Dad and the biological father is just it, their biological "ancestor", the same with us the mothers. I am Mom and the women who gave birth to them is just that.

This is just to support the thesis that any 2 supportive people can be great parents. DNA is not a guarantee as you all know.

From my experience even if people stay together in a friendly atmosphere because of the kids, and that is extremely rare, the kids are emotionally deprived in growing up with the love and touch... and all the verbal and nonverbal language of love. We learn how to love from our parents and their relationship.

I am all for divorce, 2 committed people staying friends and raising the children together (not in the same space) as partners and not enemies.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by JMan

Maybe people are in a difficult situation to learn that they can work THROUGH it?

Or NOT

Maybe people make dumb choices sometimes. Do they have to punish themselves forever for it?

[Reynaldo]

Marriages fail because of blame: It is a factor which forces many marriages to fail. There are many instances where men blame their wives and then they hold their wives responsible for the problems in marriage. Their married lives revolve around a single subject and that becomes blame.

Men must understand that their wives are not the problem in their marriages. It is them because of which all the problems arise. Men must understand that it is because of men that the wives adopt different behaviors. One must treat his wife with love and affection that forces her to reciprocate the same.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Reynaldo

Marriages fail because of blame: It is a factor which forces many marriages to fail. There are many instances where men blame their wives and then they hold their wives responsible for the problems in marriage. Their married lives revolve around a single subject and that becomes blame.

Men must understand that their wives are not the problem in their marriages. It is them because of which all the problems arise. Men must understand that it is because of men that the wives adopt different behaviors. One must treat his wife with love and affection that forces her to reciprocate the same.

I am a "wife" and i actually take great offence at this post... Wifes are not things... women (and men) are people.
Where 2 fight, 2 are to blame.
I agree with the first part of your post, you shouldn't blame, and always look at yourself first, see what you can do to improve. It is never the fault of only 1 person.

[James81]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I am a "wife" and i actually take great offence at this post... Wifes are not things... women (and men) are people.
Where 2 fight, 2 are to blame.
I agree with the first part of your post, you shouldn't blame, and always look at yourself first, see what you can do to improve. It is never the fault of only 1 person.

I'm not sure I see where he insinuated where wives were "things" and not people.

[chemmy1]

Let me first of all disagree with the point of "finding love elsewhere" . You see there is no marriage that will not experience on challenge or the other. It depends on how the problem is handled. There is an adage that says what God has joined together let nothing or no man put assunder.

Secondly, who is decieving who? that the children of separated parents perform better than unseparated one. Two heads is better than one.

So whatever its going to take for a couple to come back together as one, they should pls take such steps not because of today but because of the children's future.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by James81

I'm not sure I see where he insinuated where wives were "things" and not people.

you´re right... I reacted with maybe a tinsy little bit too much feeling on this one...

but the rest of my point still stays...

[neomonk]

Marriage is a contract, nothing more nothing less. Promising to always love each other is like promising to go to Vegas win big money.

The problem as I see it is when two people decide their contract is no longer working and need to move on, they rarely do so peacefully. They harbor resentment and anger which is directed towards the other parent. This is not what children need to see.

My situation; I have a daughter from a previous marriage, her mother and I were just not right for each other and we knew that stay together wouldn't be healthy for anyone. We made one last promise to each other that no matter our feelings towards each other we would never ever let it show to our daughter. It wasn't easy because there was that anger and resentment on both sides for the failure of our marriage.

But 4 years later both of us have found new positive and healthy relationships. Instead of our daughter only having a single parent she has 4 people in a parental role who can provide her with guidance and 4 people who love her dearly.

Basically if you are going to divorce or separate from the other parent make the commitment to each other to be mature and not let your own negative feelings towards each other tarnish the image of each other in your child’s eyes.

[petplarup]

Thank you so much for the post. It's really useful.