Conversational skills

[pjgat09]

Hi everyone,
Since I became hooked on StevePavlina.com I have tried to convince myself to improve in many areas of my like, but social skills seem to be lacking the most.

Nearly every self help and personal development guide I read focus more on atracting people to talk to, but never how to start a conversation, or what to talk about. I find it quite difficult to just start a conversation and keep one going. Even talking to my friends doesn't always work out.

I would love some tips on improving conversation skills, how to start conversations, what to talk about, all of that. Even if I find it in me to start a conversation, after one topic dies so does the conversation. Your adivce would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

[cylon]

"after one topic dies so does the conversation." It's because you're 100% focused on yourself.

I can tell you the NUMBER one issue here is being self-conscious. I used to have difficulty being social, hell I still experience awkward silences from time to time... but the whole problem is you are being aware of yourself, how you are coming off, if what you are saying is interesting, how the other person is perceiving you, if you're saying the "right things" if you may offend them... all that stuff adds up to not wanting to talk much, if at all.

Take the focus off you and put it onto the other person. Become genuinely interested in what the other person has to say. Become an active listener (but you can't do that while you are listening to your own damn thoughts). Look at it like you're discovering someone, people have many things about them that are interesting, and everyone is different so their own viewpoints can be endlessly fascinating, if that's what you expect to experience.

It takes some work to get from point a to point b. I never thought I'd be posting on a forum giving tips on conversational skills, holy crap I used to be so freaking quiet. Sometimes I surprise myself, like this morning when I got my haircut, it was a new lady doing it, and I made small talk with her. Never used to do that. It's becoming something that I enjoy.

Start small. Say hello first, if you can do that while looking natural. Try to make conversation with strangers, a good one is the people who work behind counters, like at grocery stores, gas stations, just say how's it going. Just say SOMETHING. Anything. Just start talking. It's a game, you get points everytime you open your mouth. It gets easier.

[ticktockclok]

This is probably what you are looking for. The site name may seem weird, but there is some really sound advice in the site.

[Colm OReilly]

pjgat09,

I just put a post up on my blog so I'm going to pimp that here: How to always know what to say and do. Bold enough statement, I understand, but it fits in if you adopt an inside-out approach to live.

cylon's advice is spot on IMO. If you're focused on the other person it makes conversing a lot easier.

This post has a lot of good advice on vibing.

Remember Steve is a fan of ready, fire, aim approach to learning, meaning get your feet wet by starting to talk. Talk, fall down, talk some more. You seem to want to go from being very bad at conversing to being the ultimate socialite. Your brain is probably rejecting this idea because it seems impossible to do.

Also, since I'm such a fan of affirmations, saying "conversing is pretty easy for me" and "i'm able to carry on conversations" will help. If you belief you're a good conversationalist and you vibe well it will make it easier.

Lots of love,
Colm

[pjgat09]

Thanks for all your advice! I think it will really help

cylon: Your advice about conversations being a game really helped, I like games.

ticktockclok: Theres some nice articles on there, I'll have to read more of them.

Colm: That second link about "vibing" really hit the nail on the head. After reading that, I realized I have a major problem "stalling", but the tips he gives seem like a great place to start learning.

Thanks again!

[Hugh Hollowell]

The easiest way to have a conversation with someone is to talk about their favorite topic of conversation...Them!

Well over 50 years ago Dale Carnegie wrote that nothing sounds sweeter to someone than their own name. If you doubt we are all self-interested, think about this: The last time you looked at a group picture you were in, whose picture did you look for first? Yours, of course!.

My favorite conversation starter if talking to a couple is "How did you folks meet?"

[Gabriel.B]

Hi Pjgat09

What works for me is questions, asking questions, that's what keeps conversations going and directs them. Just find suitable topics and you're good to go, -learning by doing will help you learn the quickest in my opinion

[Henrik]

Cylons advice is really excellent, try that.

Adding to articles already mentioned I wrote an article a while back called Do you make these 10 mistakes in a conversation?. Perhaps you can find something useful in that one.

[pjgat09]

Thanks again guys!

I've noticed my mood going from some what gloomy, to rather cheerful lately. I seem to be gaining more friends (or strengthing my relationships with the ones I have).

I put a couple of the ideas I have gained from a few different articles today, and got excellent results.

After reading that article about "vibing", I felt much more comfortable talking to anyone, because I know i have something to talk about if the conversation stalls, and I can keep the conversation going longer.

I have also been working on my courage a bit, and it really helps. I have started saying hi and talking to people I normally would have chickened out of talking to normally. I feel great!

Thanks again! I'm really glad I posted here.

[Colm OReilly]

That's excellent news! Long may it continue.

Maybe you could keep us updated in a couple of weeks to let us know how things are shaping up?

Lots of love,
Colm

[skydust]

i want to improve my social skills too. i am going to join toastmasters to improve my communication skills. its for public speaking but i am sure it will help in general speech as well, in coming across clearly and confidently etc. perhaps its something that may iterest you as well.

[mistymin]

All of this is great advice for getting to speak with out being the one doing all the talking. Focus on the other person ,,,questions to them that will help gets them to start talking...remember we may not be the only one that has this problem the person you are talking to might have the same...Thanks for the advice..helps to review some techniques we forget to use...

[wildthunder]

I agree 100% with cylon. For me the key to getting and keeping conversations going is the ability to take the emphasis off of yourself and to place it on your audience. I had great success with an audio course by Susan Leahy on public speaking put out by The Freeway Guides that teaches just this trick. It is totally affordable and I highly recommend it. You can check it out on their site (http://www.freewayguides.com/home.php). I did the podcast because I could download it right away.

Good luck!

[eastcoastgirl]

Originally Posted by ticktockclok

This is probably what you are looking for. The site name may seem weird, but there is some really sound advice in the site.

That's a good site. Good advice.