Meeting more women

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Coffeesmurf

I agree - I also think "coffee dates" can quickly become very formal and rather boring.

I met up with the mountainbiking girl I mentioned earlier two days ago for a ride in the forest combined with a walk along the beach and ended the evening with a sandwich on a secluded roof terrasse on a skyscraper in the middle of the city with a view of the ocean. We both had a great time and it gives you something to talk about.

Next week we're going to play miniature golf and eat lots and lots of ice cream

But then again - I hooked up with my ex after a very long coffee date with about 6 hours of talking followed by dinner at my place a couple of weeks later, followed by a trip to the museum and then dinner at my place again.. all very datesy. So I'm not saying that can't work out. I think the main thing is just trying to have fun throughout and attempt to be in the moment and not worrying too much about outcome. Which might be easier said than done

I think if you're a girl, you like sitting down and talking (you need to talk 5 times more than a guy) but if you're a guy, the closest thing we have to coffee dates in our everyday life is a job interview, so it's not so much fun, depending..

But I suppose if you just relax then it's a good chance to find out what their hobbies are, eg. if they like mini golf, or going to the museum, then you've got something to go to for a second date..

Yeah, I met up with a a girl from a gig I'd held helds for probably around half an hour- an hour for a coffee date, and she had to run away from me in about 20 minutes and gave me a kiss on the cheek and then disappeared off the face of the earth :-( but I lost some of my fear that I'd had, after the date.. I was just awkwardly scared I guess which is why she couldn't stick around.

Why I'd like new dates to lose some more fear..

[Coffeesmurf]

Originally Posted by brendannz

I think if you're a girl, you like sitting down and talking (you need to talk 5 times more than a guy) but if you're a guy, the closest thing we have to coffee dates in our everyday life is a job interview, so it's not so much fun, depending..

I think it also has a lot to do with chemistry. The six hours I spent talking with my ex-girlfriend the first time I met her felt like half an hour. I was nervous at first but quickly felt at ease. I went on another coffee date some time ago with a girl and the time passed much slower.. we talked for about an hour and a half, but there just wasn't much chemistry between us.

But I suppose if you just relax then it's a good chance to find out what their hobbies are, eg. if they like mini golf, or going to the museum, then you've got something to go to for a second date..

Good point.. and it shows her you actually listened to what she said. Which is great, not just for setting up more dates. My ex-girlfriend mentioned she was a cycling fan so I gave her a small trinket I had gotten from the ad caravan at a stage of the Tour de France, which she loved.

Yeah, I met up with a a girl from a gig I'd held helds for probably around half an hour- an hour for a coffee date, and she had to run away from me in about 20 minutes and gave me a kiss on the cheek and then disappeared off the face of the earth :-( but I lost some of my fear that I'd had, after the date.. I was just awkwardly scared I guess which is why she couldn't stick around.

Any chance she just had to be somewhere? It's easy to think that maybe it had something to do with you - but maybe there's some other explanation. I think a big part of getting better at handling rejection like this is not to take it personally.. especially if there's no direct evidence that she left because you were scared.

Why I'd like new dates to lose some more fear..

Great idea - I've been doing the same. I think it's important to look at dates the never progress beyond the first date as a success too. After all, you got some experience and learned something and next time it will be a little easier.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Coffeesmurf

Any chance she just had to be somewhere? It's easy to think that maybe it had something to do with you - but maybe there's some other explanation. I think a big part of getting better at handling rejection like this is not to take it personally.. especially if there's no direct evidence that she left because you were scared.

She said she had to do some assignment, and she seemed like a real busy person, 2 jobs, studying masters degree and she was actually going to a party that night.. Yeah, I suppose I knew she was generally an honest person.. and I should assume she was then, lol..

I think the real solution is to just forget about it .. and want to find new dates to do that, I guess..

But yeah, I think maybe I was being too hard on myself because like you said coffee dates can become too serious easily.. it's not just that I sucked badly or got scared..

Maybe in dating, and life in general, I need to learn to stop being so hard on myself..

[munish]

You can join Toastmasters .But the only problem with that is, TM club attracts "leader type" of women .

[HCG]

They are everywhere. On the streets, in the subway, etc.

Just approach them!

[saintssupporter]

Originally Posted by munish

You can join Toastmasters .But the only problem with that is, TM club attracts "leader type" of women .

Fiery birds, I know some...always a challenge

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by brendannz

hmm.. yeah, I don't really know if I'm in the position to give anyone advice about dating, since I started this thread, haha

me either... more than advice about "dating", I give advice about the change people like you and me are living...

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by Coffeesmurf

Great idea - I've been doing the same. I think it's important to look at dates the never progress beyond the first date as a success too. After all, you got some experience and learned something and next time it will be a little easier.

yes, that's it, that's what I mean it's not about a "lack of attractiveness" (or confidence or whatever), just a lack of experience about something, lack of a particular skill that gets better with practice.

Now I feel my first date will be not very pleasant either, just for gaining experience.

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by HCG

They are everywhere. On the streets, in the subway, etc.

Just approach them!

and talk!

[HCG]

Originally Posted by songwriter

and talk!

There is no need to talk.

Sex existed before language.



The need to talk to women in order to have sex is a limiting belief!

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by HCG

There is no need to talk.

Sex existed before language.



The need to talk to women in order to have sex is a limiting belief!

so you can get laid in a country where you don't speak the language?

[RagsToRiches]

You have two options...

1) You want to develope the skills to meet women anywhere, anytime, attract them etc...

Make a serious commitment to improving your skills meeting and attracting women... this is something which takes years and takes tons and tons of effort. Forget all that "30 day" nonsense you hear about on the internet... Once you start on the path of "getting better with women" you stay on it for a long long time... trust me... it's not like "going vegan"... it's more like "studying a 5 year pHd in biometric neural-genetic science."

2) You don't want to make the above commitment...

Maximise the number of women you know through groups and friends... ie: follow some of the suggestions offered here like joining Yoga groups etc... just follow some basic rules like looking after yourself, keeping positive, keeping in good shape... make an effort to make friends with as many women as poss (with no intent to **** them at this stage)... and basically eventually you'll get tons of female friends who, if you're a cool happy positive guy, will want to set you up with other friends of thiers.

1 is very challenging but gives you great choice and flexibility. IE: you want to travel the world and sleep with a ton of hot girls.

2 is easier, but doesn't give you much choice or flexibility. IE: you get what comes your way.

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by HCG

There is no need to talk.

Sex existed before language.



The need to talk to women in order to have sex is a limiting belief!

You're right, man.... it's a limiting belief.

[songwriter]

Hi Brendan. I remember you said I (or we) are sometimes too hard on ourselves about this...

I've just taken a test of a science magazine about the mistakes people use to do in flirting, in order to fix what I did wrong...

But the surprising result is that I don't make any of the mistakes.
Also they say that the people that's more successfull in flirting are the ones who hold eye contact, smile and are bold.
And that's me, for instance, except not smiling sometimes lately...

We learn the "you're responsible for everything in your life" thing... but what if is not us who are unlearnt but mostly others...

You can make things better in your life if they depend 100 % on you. If I can not play the guitar, I can learn... that's 100% me.
But for flirting you depend on other people... so you're not responsible of them, so you can't fix that problem like others, by learning, or doing things you never did...

And that's why it hurts, you're used to problem-solving and then you face a problem that remains unsolved for you, and so you feel like you're silly or don't understand the problem, but it doesn't depend on you really.

Though still some will say it only depends on you, and it can be fixed in 7 days, using some method, etc.

[chrisrushton]

Originally Posted by brendannz

so you can get laid in a country where you don't speak the language?

Sure, why not? Just say whatever you'd say in english, in english just slowly and suggestively. Do the physical contact thing, touching arms, hair, whatever. They'll get the message. If not, go look somewhere else.

On meeting to figure out where to meet in the future, I'm not so sure that's a good idea. It's never worked out too well for me. I prefer to say I'd like to do such and such, I'd like you to come. Slightly more verbose than that, but not much.

It can be as simple as I'm off to such and such club on thursday night with a couple of friends. Are you out on thursday? if Yes, let's try and meet up, the club's going to be quality. if no, come out with us, it's going to be awesome!

[Brutha]

Though still some will say it only depends on you, and it can be fixed in 7 days, using some method, etc.

I don't think that anybody says that skill issues can be fixed in 7 days.
That however doesn't mean that learning a skill doesn't increase your chances of success.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by songwriter

yes, that's it, that's what I mean it's not about a "lack of attractiveness" (or confidence or whatever), just a lack of experience about something, lack of a particular skill that gets better with practice.

Now I feel my first date will be not very pleasant either, just for gaining experience.

well it depends really on your expectations.. if you go into the "date" with high expectations then it probably won't be so pleasant.. Guys tend to go into first dates looking to get married and wondering how many kids they want to have, while girls are more relaxed because they go into it with fewer expectations I think..

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by songwriter

Hi Brendan. I remember you said I (or we) are sometimes too hard on ourselves about this...

I've just taken a test of a science magazine about the mistakes people use to do in flirting, in order to fix what I did wrong...

But the surprising result is that I don't make any of the mistakes.
Also they say that the people that's more successfull in flirting are the ones who hold eye contact, smile and are bold.
And that's me, for instance, except not smiling sometimes lately...

We learn the "you're responsible for everything in your life" thing... but what if is not us who are unlearnt but mostly others...

You can make things better in your life if they depend 100 % on you. If I can not play the guitar, I can learn... that's 100% me.
But for flirting you depend on other people... so you're not responsible of them, so you can't fix that problem like others, by learning, or doing things you never did...

And that's why it hurts, you're used to problem-solving and then you face a problem that remains unsolved for you, and so you feel like you're silly or don't understand the problem, but it doesn't depend on you really.

Though still some will say it only depends on you, and it can be fixed in 7 days, using some method, etc.

maybe you need to worry less about science and more on just being in the moment.. that's what I'm trying to do atm.

Think about it, it makes sense..

[nikki]

Originally Posted by brendannz

well it depends really on your expectations.. if you go into the "date" with high expectations then it probably won't be so pleasant.. Guys tend to go into first dates looking to get married and wondering how many kids they want to have, while girls are more relaxed because they go into it with fewer expectations I think..

Wow - I thought it was the other way around... in general.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by nikki

Wow - I thought it was the other way around... in general.

Ha, yeah, I have yet to meet a guy who went into a first date dreaming of marriage and kids. Seems like today's society teaches many men that marriage and kids is what they should reluctanctly accede to after they have exhausted every other possible lifestyle avenue.

I find it hard to think of a guy I know (who is not religious) who has any interest in getting married or having children before the age of 30, absolute minimum!

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Indiana

Ha, yeah, I have yet to meet a guy who went into a first date dreaming of marriage and kids. Seems like today's society teaches many men that marriage and kids is what they should reluctanctly accede to after they have exhausted every other possible lifestyle avenue.

I find it hard to think of a guy I know (who is not religious) who has any interest in getting married or having children before the age of 30, absolute minimum!

hahaha yeah maybe married with kids on first date was an exageration.. but I think generally guys are more inclined to be more nervous on first date because they're too serious too soon.. But then how would I know.. Probably because girls get more offers for dates than guys I guess

[brendannz]

Oh yeah, anyway, I went to a party on the weekend.. it was fun..

I've pretty much reached the conclusion that women (and men) are everywhere, so it's not really a matter of finding them,

I think generally I just need to work on my general communication skills, (for other areas of my life not just dating) and am looking at joining toastmasters for this..

and also having fun generally and being in the present moment, rather than always in the past and worrying about the future, etc.

[amj]

Originally Posted by brendannz

Meeting women. I really like women a lot, but don't seem to meet and interact with lots of them on a regular basis. I figure the best way to be attractive is to be happy, so I try and do more things that will make me happy.. I'm an introvert, but some things I like going out to do, which make me happy, are playing basketball (on an outdoor court with new people), but I only meet males when I do that.. and also going to live music. So I'm trying to find about one gig a month to go to. Basically if I'm feeling good, I'll smile more, so I'll be more attractive. So maybe I need to find new activities which will make me happy..

But also want to know places that are good to meet women other than women who are employed to serve behind a counter? It sounds a bit absurd because there's more women than men in my country.. But yeah, anyway, does anyone know any good ways / places to meet cool & intelligent women? I work from home, so have no women in my office..

I tend to believe connecting with them is more likely to happen naturally when I'm relaxed and feeling good.. (sometimes my problem is just that I can't relax)

But yeah, was wondering if anyone has any tips for meeting the opposite sex, other than dating sites.

I would suggest going to night clubs. There's all types of women there. You can learn a lot from meeting women at clubs. Too much for me to explain. Try it out.

[amj]

Originally Posted by brendannz

Oh yeah, anyway, I went to a party on the weekend.. it was fun..

I've pretty much reached the conclusion that women (and men) are everywhere, so it's not really a matter of finding them,

I think generally I just need to work on my general communication skills, (for other areas of my life not just dating) and am looking at joining toastmasters for this..

and also having fun generally and being in the present moment, rather than always in the past and worrying about the future, etc.

Communication skills come with practice. I understand where you are coming from because I used to be the same way. Once you are confident in yourself, you will be fine. Hype yourself up. Tell yourself how confident you are. Walk up to a female with confidence knowing exactly what you will say to her. If you get rejected, smile and say "have a nice day."

[nikki]

Originally Posted by brendannz

I think generally I just need to work on my general communication skills, (for other areas of my life not just dating) and am looking at joining toastmasters for this..

Dude, me too!

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by amj

I would suggest going to night clubs. There's all types of women there. You can learn a lot from meeting women at clubs. Too much for me to explain. Try it out.

good idea, the problem with clubs is they play really awkwardly bad music, and so I don't really feel that connected with the people around me.. which is why I thought gigs were a better idea, where they play good music..

[amj]

Originally Posted by brendannz

good idea, the problem with clubs is they play really awkwardly bad music, and so I don't really feel that connected with the people around me.. which is why I thought gigs were a better idea, where they play good music..

I don't know what kinds of gigs you are talking about but if that's what works for you then great. I mentioned clubs because from my own experience, I have come across all kinds of women there. I have had sex with many women from clubs and I have made friends with many women from clubs.

But clubs aren't for everybody. Some people are more comfortable in other surroundings. I wasn't comfortable at clubs at first but now I can step in and feel right at home. Different strokes for different folks I guess. The most important thing is to step out and be the confident man that you are. We all have it in us.

[TonyToneTone]

Everywhere you go is a good place to meet women. Grocery star, mall, convenience store, parking lot. The last time I went to a bookstore I got a girl's number. They are literally everywhere.

Start keeping count of the number of attractive women you see on a daily basis. I bet you it is much higher then you think.

After you start seeing them, develop a good rap for yourself. "Hi my name is (insert your name), I thought you were cute and wanted to say hello." or you can just talk about something that is going on? "I love riding this train, it has the best view".

[saintssupporter]

Weather is always a good starting point, its something we Europeans talk about all the time so it might work over there in the US You yanks could do with a few lesson from us in conversation openers In all seriousness though its just a case of saying hi to a girl you like....

[brendannz]

Yeah, actually I'm in New Zealand not the US, but maybe we could also learn from Europeans (I guess)

I think you're right, I work from home, so some days I only talk to 1-2 people (who serve me behind a counter) which is really why I started this thread.. but I think since then I've changed my outlook on it..