how can I get myself to go "all in" in my relationship?

[MovieFanUK]

I am a 39 year old man in my first long-term relationship, which has lasted almost 6 years. I feel grateful to have someone in my life, which would be lonely otherwise, and wish I could commit more fully and make more efforts to get the most out of this relationship. Sometimes though I worry about the lack of excitement and passion in our relationship, we are really great friends but I am not sure how strong the chemistry is between us. That is probably because we are both pretty shy and inhibited. It seems like I am holding something back and not giving a full effort, not feeling inspired. One time my partner said she felt I was settling in the relationship, and yet she was not settling at all. I felt really bad for her, it must feel really bad to be on the wrong end of that situation, but despite me reassuring her that was not true I wondered if there was some truth to her remark.

What sorts of things could I do to improve our relationship? One thing I can think of is to lose some weight, since I think my partner would feel more attracted if I was at my goal weight. Another would be to be more helpful with household chores which I know she would appreciate. Otherwise I am really not sure and because all my friends are socially anxious and have no partners or little relationship experience, I have no one to ask either. Please can anyone offer any advice or help. Especially it would be great to hear from someone who realised their relationship was going stale and revived it, what did you do?

[ssandra]

What you can start with is to open up to her. Not tell her about this, but to really communicate from the soul so to speak.

Talk about your dreams, hopes. Ask her about hers. Really listen to her!

Those are the things that will get human beings closer together. Do stuff together. If you are both shy, don´t be shy to each other. Go out, to the movies, to a play, to the market... do things together.

Help her with some of the houseword, loose some weigth if it makes you feel better, but those are just external issues. Yes, they can be very important, but what I get from your post is that you are missing the real "connection". You don´t just get that, you´ll have to work for it.

Even when you are at home, watching a movie, talk about it afterwards. What did you like, what didn´t you like etc. Same with books, music. Talk, communicate!

[MovieFanUK]

Yes, I think that's definitely a major part of it. She generally speaks very happily about our relationship, but sometimes says she wishes she felt we were more of a team. Maybe if we worked out some joint goals we could work towards together that would help.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, much appreciated.

[JSB]

I would suggest that you need more passion this relationship. It could be sexual passion (very beneficial in a romantic relationship) or it could be a shared passionate commitment to a goal or an activity.

What do you desire in life? What makes you light up with excitement? Do the two of you share a common passion? If not, can you discover or create one?

Sensible planning and smoothing out day-to-day interactions are helpful and necessary, but they can't replace the joy and energy you can get out of sharing something that makes you both feel more alive.

[MovieFanUK]

Thanks for your reply JSB. It's a bit strange I know she wants to get married and live with me but apart from that I don't really know what her hopes and dreams are. My main dream would be to have a good social life, with her able to join me on social occasions, as socialising is what I enjoy most (I am shy around most people but enjoy being around other shy people as I feel they are my equals).

Any other replies would be very welcome, as I feel bad to be not fully commiting and I feel I am doing my lovely partner a disservice.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by MovieFanUK

Thanks for your reply JSB. It's a bit strange I know she wants to get married and live with me but apart from that I don't really know what her hopes and dreams are.

Have you asked her?

Why not take her out for diner in a nice quiet romantic restaurant, where you talk only about her. Or better said... you only let her talk. Resolve to only ask questions, to not comment on what she is saying or offering your own opinion. Keep the conversation going with "hmmm" "ah" "ok", that kind of noices.

Don´t jump right into it, start by asking about her day, or something very commen to talk about in your relationship.

Some questions you could ask:

- How did you end up doing what you were doing (work wise)?
- What job you had in the past did you like the most? Why is that?
- If you could go back, would you have studied something else? What would you have studied? What did you like most about what you studied?
- If money and training are no issue, what would your job be?
- What is your happiest memory?
- What makes that a happy memory?
- How would you like your life to be in 5 years? And in 10?
- When you are 80 and looking back on your life, what would you like to have done?
- If you could do anything you wanted to, what would you like to do?
- etc. etc.

As you can see, I think it is best to start with easier questions, about work, and slowly move up to more personal issues. This time, only talk about happy things, hopes dreams etc. For example, if you know that she doesn´t like her job, or her studie, don´t ask those questions. They are for a later stage, when you are more comfortable talking about these things.

When she answers with simple answers, continue to ask followup questions. Ask, why exactly that, how come etc. Most importantly, be quiet, let her answer and really listen to her.

This excersise will really let you get to know her, her dreams and her hopes. don´t try to control the conversation to fix all the questions on the list. Just see where it goes. If you only talk about work this time that is ok. You can take as long as you need talking about this. One date, or 100 dates... it doesn´t matter.

Good luck!

[Kjerendipity]

You should go watch Don Juan DeMarco. It's kinda applicable to your situation --- all about love and reviving a relationship --- and there's a great scene at the end where the main guy asks his wife about her dreams. Might be a good date movie.

[drakecatz]

Lots of good advice here, but I just have to ask..."Was there ever a spark between you?" Your post sounds very caring, but long term love relationships need true love. Don't you think?

Relationships are hard enough without going into them with low expectations. Saying you care but something is missing should be looked at as well. Don't just look at what will make it better. Look at what you really want too. Listen to your heart. She may not be the one for you.