tipping the girlfriend over the edge - how to deal with enragement

[bicks]

Hello Pavlina people,

I have a scenario you may or may not be able to relate too. If you can help, I will be indebted to you.


I shy away from telling her straight when something has gone wrong, then she finds out and promptly goes nuts...

Last night, she had an argument with mother-in-law and sister about organising her Dad's 60th at the weekend, so I tried to console her rant with suggestions and agreement, which then led to me when we got home... as we had some things to do, she asked me to water her plants, which she showed me how to do certain one's as they overflow if overfilled, ala i did just that !

Before all this, she explicitly said, "Alex, can you Not ***k up please!"

as she was explaining to me how everybody had ***ked up beforehand about organising food for her Dad's 60th.


This then created an atmosphere like no other, telling me to **** off, your a **** etc etc...

until this morning where she asked me to hug her, so i did for 15 before heading to work.

As you can probably tell, this is not the first time I have proverbially **** up!

Am wondering how I can put it ALL right, without just being honest upfront about potential **** ups. She said that would make a massive difference.
Being direct and honest is key I think.

Any advice in how to act in these situations will be greatly appreciated.

Alex

[JSB]

Set reasonable boundaries. Sometime when you're not fighting, have a talk with her. Tell her that it's OK for her to be angry and express her feelings, but insist that you will no longer accept insults or abuse. (Don't take on a victim "mentality"; just decide that things need to improve.)

You might as well be up front and honest about mistakes -- she'll find out eventually. Take personal responsibility for your own mistakes/issues, but don't let her rage at you or belittle you -- focus less on feeling bad about the mistakes and more on fixing them and improving yourself.

If she goes off in the future, stick to your boundaries and calmly insist on mutually respectful behavior, even in disagreement. This is a process and may take some time to work through. All along, be sure to encourage and reward her positive behavior. (Don't get too worked up over negative behavior --- "punishing" it is just a waste of your emotional energy.)

Personally, I would end a relationship where I wasn't feeling respected and treated with a minimum of common courtesy, at least after I had done what I could to try to remedy the situation. No relationship is worth being someone else's punching bag (literal or proverbial).

She has some very intense emotional reactions, but that does not mean that her feelings and reactions need to define reality for everyone else in the world.

[James81]

She's not mad cause you f**k up. She's mad because you let her get away with whatever she wants.

Jesus, if I girl told me to "not f**k up please" when she asked ME to do HER a favor, I'd tell her to go f**k herself and find someone else.

You're not a f**k up. You just aren't setting any boundaries. And I understand why you do it. You'd prefer not to fight with her, you know she's edgy, so you tip-toe around her to keep the peace. But, the reality is she WANTS you to stand up to her. She WANTS you to put her in her place.

The question is, is that something you are willing to do?

[ssandra]

I think she just has not learned to control her emotions that well yet.

I have the same thing sometimes, my husband just tells me " I understand you are mad at your familiy, that is ok, scream and yell if you want, but don't take it out on me."

In which he is right of course.

I think it is great that you hug her when she needs it. You have no idea how much that means.

Tell her straight up when you did something wrong, otherwise it feels as if you are hiding something from her, which could be the last staw...

[drakecatz]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by bicks

Before all this, she explicitly said, "Alex, can you Not ***k up please!"

Wow! The Threat!!, and you got the furniture wet anyway didn't you!

Working on being a "yeller" is an issue for me. I think I've done really well teaching myself not to be this way. Some reasons I would yell were...

If I didn't yell, I would cry. This was the worst. Is your wife a cryer?

If I didn't yell, I wouldn't be heard. I'm soft spoken, and it used to be so important I was loud to make my point.

I used to drink. Great to fuel loud anger. Does your wife drink?

If I get angry now, I talk to myself about how I can handle the situation without yelling or name calling. It's really worked.

James81 has very good advice. Her telling you that you can't "###k it up" is unacceptable! "She better just do it herself.

Ask her why she feels the need to yell. Ask her to ask herself why she has to yell. Ask her what she thinks about her controlling behavior. But most of all, Don't stand for it! I think she is looking for you to take some control here.

Good luck!

[ns123]

I have a feeling that incidents like these happen quite often - where she feels like you are always messing up. And you don't own up to your mistake, or you shrug it off, or you say nothing while she rants and raves and calls you names.

I know this because I used to have this relationship with my own husband, but we've both found a way to move past my abuse and his just powerlessly taking it.

What I did:

1. I let go and stop being so controlling. It starts with my own recognition and choice to stop dominating and controlling. If he waters the plants and it overflows, he cleans it up. And I don't get mad. If he doesn't clean it up well (brown water stains on the tile) I will mention it, and he cleans it up later or right then and there.

2. If I want things done a very specific way, in which I know he'll probably not do it exactly the way I want it done... I do it myself. I don't set him and me up for failure by expecting him to fail and then berate him for it.

3. Recognize when I start going on my berating tantrums... and think of ways on how to disarm myself. The reason why I get mad is that he doesn't own up, or he dismisses it. So I just flat out tell him why I'm mad, not that he overflows the plants, but because he dismissed my feelings as trivial (which dismissal really sucks). So I'll just say, "you know, I know overflowing the plants is not a big deal to you, but it is to me, and if you just said, sorry, honey, I didn't meant to do it, lemme make it right... I wouldn't be so upset."

4. I recognize that it's important that I let my man be a man and not a child. If I keep treating him like a child, he will continue to act like one. So I don't berate him in front of other people (only behind closed doors) and only because he totally understands me... that it's not that I disrespect him... it's because he's here to help me learn to work through my feelings. But he does that voluntarily.

What he does:

1. he owns up and does not dismiss my feelings ever. We both drop the who's right and who's wrong. It doesn't matter that the issue itself is trivial, if he or I doesn't think it's trivial... that makes it not trivial.

2. we have a code word that he says when he recognizes that I'm going on my rants. and the very fact that I recognize that I do tend to rant and berate... I calm my butt down until I am out of ranting mode. Then we talk like civilized human beings - well, more like I start acting like one.

3. Things that he's forgotten or consistently "messed" up on, if I ask him to do again, he will actually tell me how he will not mess up this time - how he will do it differently. And vice versa for me when I mess up.

Most of the stuff we do to move past this stage was work that I did on myself. So there were things he could do... but most of what makes a difference was me committing to changing myself and my own behavior. I can proudly and honestly say that both of us have moved past this behavior. We still regress now and then, but it's done wonders for our relationship.

[Daffy Duck]

Yikes. How long have you two been together? If someone speaks to me like that, I might have said "You just ****ed up" and broke up with her on the spot (if the relationship was new).

If I were you, I'd talk with her and let her know that speaking to you like that is not allowed. She needs to be respectful. You're not perfect, she's not perfect, and that's okay. If you make mistakes, be honest, try to learn from them and not repeat them. Same goes for her. Calling someone a ****up is NOT okay.

She sounds like she also has trouble handling stress.

[aggie]

I too, have in the past been a yeller, a cryer, expected perfection even over little things, passive aggresive, sarcastic, manipulating....not all at the same time or with the same people

but seriously, it just came from a background of being taken advantage of and not being heard or listened to, i should say.

sometimes my about reactions were understandable because of the behavior and reactions that were directed towards me...

but in relationships i had no business being in...they were making me like that...there was self loathing...i hated what other were making me become until i realized that I could do something about it.

in the relationship i care about, i eventually learned the above behavior is futile and unproductive.

it takes two. it takes mutual respect. it takes communication. sometimes you need to get outside help.

i would never think now of being that verbally abusive.

good luck.

[ssandra]

I think it might benefit you and your girlfriend to have some "rules" about fighting.

I just wrote an article about that with some tips, but you can also think of your own, that are good for your specific situation.

How to fight « To love and be loved

[bicks]

THAnks for all your responses, it definitely helps.
Since sometimes you (as I) inadvertently find (my) yourself in a whirlwind that won't stop,

so, last night, another example...

she said "I won't get mad if you water the plants wrong again this time, in fact, I'll laugh"

15 minutes later, she asked me to print a map "like this" which she showed me there and then (all SHE had to do was click print, right there) of where she was going for work today, as which point I looked away from the screen, not knowing she had a saved copy of the map on the desktop..
so I went on the website to print the map off, from the location she wanted, I zoomed in on it, showing the exact location with surrounding roads and the landmark station, then printed off in landscape, as she passed the door a few minutes later, she saw it and went nuts, saying "what did i f**king say to you...., i need someone who can help me, not hinder me"

so at that point I just looked away, and said nothing as it was 11:30pm and her house mate had just gone to bed, not there was any point arguing over it whatsoever.

BUT, she did have a bad end to the day, as she had some issues with working for the next day (she's a freelancer), so it might be best to not to do too much for her when I'm with her, if it's not to her exact liking and she's grumpy from work. A recent conversation I had with a friend after a few too many, this keeps coming to mind - "just leave it alone"

hey ho!

[amj]

Originally Posted by bicks

Hello Pavlina people,

I have a scenario you may or may not be able to relate too. If you can help, I will be indebted to you.


I shy away from telling her straight when something has gone wrong, then she finds out and promptly goes nuts...

Last night, she had an argument with mother-in-law and sister about organising her Dad's 60th at the weekend, so I tried to console her rant with suggestions and agreement, which then led to me when we got home... as we had some things to do, she asked me to water her plants, which she showed me how to do certain one's as they overflow if overfilled, ala i did just that !

Before all this, she explicitly said, "Alex, can you Not ***k up please!"

as she was explaining to me how everybody had ***ked up beforehand about organising food for her Dad's 60th.


This then created an atmosphere like no other, telling me to **** off, your a **** etc etc...

until this morning where she asked me to hug her, so i did for 15 before heading to work.

As you can probably tell, this is not the first time I have proverbially **** up!

Am wondering how I can put it ALL right, without just being honest upfront about potential **** ups. She said that would make a massive difference.
Being direct and honest is key I think.

Any advice in how to act in these situations will be greatly appreciated.

Alex

This is an easy fix. Break up. It's obvious she doesn't respect you. You need to take time to boost your confidence. Never allow someone to disrespect you. That's not ok. Respect is huge in relationships. If both parties don't have it, the relationship will go nowhere. Trust me.

[Thomas]

Originally Posted by bicks

15 minutes later, she asked me to print a map "like this" which she showed me there and then (all SHE had to do was click print, right there) of where she was going for work today, as which point I looked away from the screen, not knowing she had a saved copy of the map on the desktop..
so I went on the website to print the map off, from the location she wanted, I zoomed in on it, showing the exact location with surrounding roads and the landmark station, then printed off in landscape, as she passed the door a few minutes later, she saw it and went nuts, saying "what did i f**king say to you...., i need someone who can help me, not hinder me"

Just to clarify:

Why did you look away, any specific reason?

Did you actually press print at the moment you said that printing was all that was left?

What about the saved map?

And finally: Was going to the website and zooming etc. exactly that which she showed you before (if not, how was it different)?

Aside of that, two things: First, while I think laughing about a mistake sounds better than (say) yelling, it depends whether it's laughing at or with you (so to say). Second, as far as you describe it, the printing doesn't sound hugely complex regarding settings, zoom etc. - so, even if she asked you and you did something different (for which you probably have your reasons, such as to improve the printout?), there's a not-so-fine line between saying "no honey, your printout isn't what I need" and the kind of reaction you described. Actually, that line's a canyon, in my book.