Looks and Appearances

[willnesbitt]

How important are looks and appearance when dating? Does it weigh pretty heavily in your decision on who and who not to date?

When I was younger, I would date anyone who liked me regardless of how they looked. They were very nice people but I was not really attracted to them. When I look back, I was trying to be nice and didn't want to be labeled as 'shallow'. I also went to the other extreme and dated so-called "hot" girls simply because they were "hot"; but I didn't connect with them beyond the physical.

Now, that I'm older, I know what I want and looks I do factor looks into my decision. It definitely doesn't outweigh personality and the ability to connect on several different levels, but it does have some weight.

Part of me believes that it shouldn't really matter as long as the person is good to you and you work well together as companions. Another part of me believes that you should still be attracted to this person. And yes, looks do fade. So, should we even be concerned with it? Or is that a convenient excuse to not keep ourselves looking good for our mates?

What are your thoughts on looks and appearances and how they factor into relationships?

[Dreamline]

It's obviously a combination of many factors including looks. Chemistry. Personality. Factor X.

If you haven't met someone that you are attracted to, whose personality you like, and everything else, you haven't met Ms Right yet. You don't have to pick only from looks or personality. It's the whole package you need.

Jennifer

[Abitofzen]

Originally Posted by Dreamline

It's the whole package you need.
Jennifer

I agree.

I have met many women that I initially found 'beautiful'... but found them less and less attractive as I got to know them. I've also become more and more attracted to women once I've developed a connection with them.

What's weird... is it actually seems to change the way the woman looks to me.

The woman that I've deeply connected with, who seemed rather plain before, suddenly has a very nice shape, a very sensual tone, or an exotic beauty to her face. I don't plan this. I don't consciously look for it. It just 'appears' when I connect or 'hit it off' with a woman.

On the other hand, I occasionally begin to notice fewer and fewer attractive qualities of women who aren't a good mental/emotional match for me... the gorgeous face is now just "kind of attractive"... the amazing curves are now just "OK, I guess..."

Ahhh the power of my mind.

Where will it lead me next?

The best advice I could offer anyone in this area... Learn what you like. Learn what is really important to you. Honor that... build on that... and let it happen!

keep smiling,

Ben

[ns123]

I think looks matter some, but for me, not as much as good personal grooming, confidence, and carriage. Smiling, having a positive attitude, and being funny helps a lot too.

I've seen very good looking men have awful personal hygiene or carry themselves in a way that's nervous and unsure. That really turns me off. I don't care if he looks like Daniel Craig... if he smells or haunches his shoulders down... it's instant turn off.

I would say, a good general rule is just approach everyone as a potential friend. Date around with the intention of just getting to know each other... and then attraction can build from there over time.

When I was dating, my general rule was lunch dates only, and dinner dates only when I saw him as boyfriend material... otherwise, he's in the friend-only lunch date zone.

[James81]

Looks are pretty important to me. I don't have ridiculously high standards for beauty, but I do have standards and before I'll date someone, they need to be met. And I'm thinking that they could also become a dealbreaker if her looks were good when we met, but then she let herself go. The way I see it, I strive to keep myself in decent shape, I want to be with someone who does the same. Letting yourself go is a possible sign of other qualities that pop up that turn me off (so it's not necessarily the looks themselves, but the qualities that usually come with letting yourself go).

I'm sure that sounds pretty vain from society's general outlook of "what's inside is what counts," but if I'm not physically attracted to someone, I'm going to be less likely to want to have sex with them. Me not wanting to have sex with them, will probably mean that I WON'T have sex, and not having sex tends to do some pretty serious damage to a relationship (it did with my marriage anyway).

So yeah, they are important. But they aren't the only thing that matters. A girl can be gorgeous, but have a crappy attitude and I would be turned off in an instant. Prime example celebrity-wise would be Paris Hilton. I know she's considered beautiful by many, but I can't stand her and hence I'm not attracted to her.

[willnesbitt]

Originally Posted by James81

Letting yourself go is a possible sign of other qualities that pop up that turn me off (so it's not necessarily the looks themselves, but the qualities that usually come with letting yourself go).

Great point, James. Never really thought about it from that perspective.

I'm sure there are several different reasons why a person would let themselves go. I guess it's about finding someone with the same commitment to maintaining their looks not only for themselves, but for their mate as well.

[Brutha]

I don't think that making looks somehow a conscious factor is a good idea but it still affects my choices on a unconscious level.

[drakecatz]

Beauty's in the eye, remember?

I once worked with a cereal dater. She would insist on going to the best resturant in town if a guy asked her out. She would look at it as getting a good meal.

She dated a lot. It wasn't that she was so good looking, she just looked like she'd put out.

One time she went out with a client from work. We all knew who he was and how he was. He was yukky! The worst part about him was his looks! His nose made Carl Malden's nose look small! To put it as nicely as I can, he was a very unattractive man, inside and out.

I used to laugh at her dating ways, but after that, I lost respect for her. Honest physical attraction has a beauty of it's own, no matter what you look like.

If you fake an attraction for money, meals, or looks, it has a dishonesty about it that makes you and who you're with seem fake.

[Beuford]

Pheremones and physical fitness

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by drakecatz

I once worked with a cereal dater. She would insist on going to the best resturant in town if a guy asked her out. She would look at it as getting a good meal.

Were they breakfast restaurants?

[drakecatz]

Originally Posted by Indiana

Were they breakfast restaurants?

Oh, why, why, why, didn't I think to say that!!? She was old, and dated even older. They probably ate dinner with the senior crowd and were "in bed" by nine...

[Daffy Duck]

I'm also a cereal dater. I frequently get together with Froot Loops and Cocoa Puffs.

[drakecatz]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

I'm also a cereal dater. I frequently get together with Froot Loops and Cocoa Puffs.

That's what I get for snoozing when posting. Ya got me! I know it's spelled, sereal.... I'm kidding...

[chrisrushton]

Originally Posted by James81

Looks are pretty important to me. I don't have ridiculously high standards for beauty, but I do have standards and before I'll date someone, they need to be met. And I'm thinking that they could also become a dealbreaker if her looks were good when we met, but then she let herself go. The way I see it, I strive to keep myself in decent shape, I want to be with someone who does the same. Letting yourself go is a possible sign of other qualities that pop up that turn me off (so it's not necessarily the looks themselves, but the qualities that usually come with letting yourself go).

I'm sure that sounds pretty vain from society's general outlook of "what's inside is what counts," but if I'm not physically attracted to someone, I'm going to be less likely to want to have sex with them. Me not wanting to have sex with them, will probably mean that I WON'T have sex, and not having sex tends to do some pretty serious damage to a relationship (it did with my marriage anyway).

So yeah, they are important. But they aren't the only thing that matters. A girl can be gorgeous, but have a crappy attitude and I would be turned off in an instant. Prime example celebrity-wise would be Paris Hilton. I know she's considered beautiful by many, but I can't stand her and hence I'm not attracted to her.

I wouldn't feel too bad about sounding vain. I don't and I feel exactly the same way you do, except for the bit about paris hilton (she's a business woman who has cultivated an image that makes her a lot of money, i respect that, even if she isn't conforming to what society says women should do)

[MagicalRealist]

I have to be attracted to the guy in question--otherwise, forget it.

But what constitutes "attractiveness" for me isn't some Hollywood ideal. No, I'm not going to turn down Hugh Jackman (in the unlikely event he shows up, lost and lonely and seeking companionship, on my doorstep), but truthfully, most of the men I date wouldn't be considered conventionally attractive by any stretch of the imagination. Some of them have been in the "What the hell is someone like her doing dating him?" category, which amuses me because I enjoy knowing a good thing when I see it, even if others can't. Especially if others can't.

In fact, I rarely find a conventionally good-looking man attractive, especially after I've had a chance to talk to him for five minutes. Too many good-looking men (and women, too) turn out to be shallow and boring--since they often get what they want simply for being pretty, why bother developing oneself?

The common qualities among all the men I've found attractive are confidence, a good sense of humor (especially about themselves), a positive attitude toward life, a sense of adventure, genuine curiosity about the world around them (whether they are intellectuals or not), and kindness and consideration toward other people (that goes beyond mere manners).

So I'm not put off by a guy's looks if he has all the genuinely attractive personal qualities I like. In fact, I can find a big nose or a crooked grin or the fact that he's skinny endearing--because it's an intrinsic part of that specific person, who I care for.

Appearances, however? I do pay attention to those. No matter what he looks like, a man will never be attractive to me if he doesn't take some pride in his appearance, take reasonably decent care of his body, and have excellent hygeine. He doesn't have to hit the gym, but he does have to have the self-respect to dress himself well, get decent haircuts, and not let himself get grossly fat or abuse his body with bad habits and a crap diet.

[willnesbitt]

Originally Posted by MagicalRealist

Appearances, however? I do pay attention to those. No matter what he looks like, a man will never be attractive to me if he doesn't take some pride in his appearance, take reasonably decent care of his body, and have excellent hygeine. He doesn't have to hit the gym, but he does have to have the self-respect to dress himself well, get decent haircuts, and not let himself get grossly fat or abuse his body with bad habits and a crap diet.

I agree with you on this, MagicalRealist.

I used to date any women regardless of how they looked because I didn't want to appear to be shallow. Most of the time it would be obese women. Don't get me wrong, many of them were extremely cool with great personalities, but the physical attraction wasn't there. But the older I get, the more I realize that I'm not doing anyone any favors by being "nice". If anything, I'm making things worse. I've tried to want something I didn't want and it just doesn't work.
That's why now, I'd rather go for what I want. I'm not extremely picky when it comes to looks, but appearances are a big deal. As long as she isn't grossly overweight (or wider than me) and keeps herself up well then it's all good. But, this is only one piece of the puzzle. Guess it's all about finding someone that "fits" in more ways than one.

[Markus]

Well to me looks and appearance are important because I think they're definately a part of a person's personality.
Or to put in better words it's a mirror of their inside: You can see a person's attitude towards health, sports, taste in music, style, individuality, hobbies. With a little knowledge of human nature looks and appearance can also tell you something about a person's sexuality, extraversion, selfconfidence and so on.

Besides I won't deny my male instincts and my preference of a certain look which I know is very attractive to me.

[Mogget]

Originally Posted by willnesbitt

How important are looks and appearance when dating? Does it weigh pretty heavily in your decision on who and who not to date?

When I was younger, I would date anyone who liked me regardless of how they looked. They were very nice people but I was not really attracted to them. When I look back, I was trying to be nice and didn't want to be labeled as 'shallow'. I also went to the other extreme and dated so-called "hot" girls simply because they were "hot"; but I didn't connect with them beyond the physical.

Now, that I'm older, I know what I want and looks I do factor looks into my decision. It definitely doesn't outweigh personality and the ability to connect on several different levels, but it does have some weight.

Part of me believes that it shouldn't really matter as long as the person is good to you and you work well together as companions. Another part of me believes that you should still be attracted to this person. And yes, looks do fade. So, should we even be concerned with it? Or is that a convenient excuse to not keep ourselves looking good for our mates?

What are your thoughts on looks and appearances and how they factor into relationships?

I have found that anyone I like I become attracted to - to the extent that I am renowned for my "new friend crush" syndrome - so my idea of what makes a partner attractive owes a LOT to whoever I am crushing on at the time.

The person I was infatuated with before my current parter was very short, extremely scrawny, had virtually no body hair, and loads of scars from a serious accident... then I met and fell for my fiance who is tall, barrel chested, extremely hirsute... I no longer find little runty hairless guys hot...

Basically looks come a real second to personality for me.

[Talkofthatown919]

I'm not saying that looks don't matter but they are a plus. As i continue to meet women on a day to day basis's and speaking with the ones i know as well i tend to lose interest in them after getting to know them. i just need to stop worrying about having a girl and achieving my goals and enjoying my life.

[amj]

Originally Posted by willnesbitt

How important are looks and appearance when dating? Does it weigh pretty heavily in your decision on who and who not to date?

When I was younger, I would date anyone who liked me regardless of how they looked. They were very nice people but I was not really attracted to them. When I look back, I was trying to be nice and didn't want to be labeled as 'shallow'. I also went to the other extreme and dated so-called "hot" girls simply because they were "hot"; but I didn't connect with them beyond the physical.

Now, that I'm older, I know what I want and looks I do factor looks into my decision. It definitely doesn't outweigh personality and the ability to connect on several different levels, but it does have some weight.

Part of me believes that it shouldn't really matter as long as the person is good to you and you work well together as companions. Another part of me believes that you should still be attracted to this person. And yes, looks do fade. So, should we even be concerned with it? Or is that a convenient excuse to not keep ourselves looking good for our mates?

What are your thoughts on looks and appearances and how they factor into relationships?

Looks matter to me. Looks aren't everything but they do matter.. to me. If you know what you are looking for, then there shouldn't be a problem. Go after the women you are looking for.

[shasah]

Originally Posted by willnesbitt

How important are looks and appearance when dating? Does it weigh pretty heavily in your decision on who and who not to date?

Part of me believes that it shouldn't really matter as long as the person is good to you and you work well together as companions. Another part of me believes that you should still be attracted to this person. And yes, looks do fade. So, should we even be concerned with it? Or is that a convenient excuse to not keep ourselves looking good for our mates?

What are your thoughts on looks and appearances and how they factor into relationships?

Yes, it matters to me but not to the exclusion of all else. Sometimes people become more attractive as you get to know them and sometimes they get less attractive. They haven't actually changed their appearance but as you get to know them, their personality either adds or detracts from how they are perceived. What is attractive to me, my make someone else flinch. We each see through different eyes.

[Mariam]

I don't think looks and appearance is important coz it does not tell you who a person is character wise.One can be beautiful and physcally attractive but a failure when it come to character.So for me what matters is the innermost part of a person that is character and not the look and the physical apparance i don't pay attention to that.

[Thomas]

I wonder whether it's possible to unconsciously ignore physical traits initially - I suppose it takes effort to ignore less-than-neutral physical traits (for a varying value of neutral, of course) and seek out the character of whoever you come in contact with at first (assuming you do have access to evaluating the physical traits, as in a picture or in a real life meeting).

It's probably easier if you don't want to date the other person, but then for mating I'd say healthy physique signals care for oneself and, well, health (on a very basic level).

[JSB]

For me, looks aren't important enough to start a relationship, but they are important enough to prevent me from starting a relationship.

While I couldn't start a romantic relationship without any physical attraction, pure physical attraction is only one small factor in the dynamics and health of a relationship. (I have also felt physical attraction develop over time as I got to know someone.)

Also, looks are subjective -- happily, there are many different people with many different ideal "types", giving all of us a chance at finding our own ideal match.

[caseyg]

I love when people say that "looks don't matter", but you know they wouldn't date an "ugly" person with a great personality. I'm more honest about that, especially with myself, and I know that, for me, yes, I want personality, but also chemistry of all kinds, including physical, which only happens if I'm attracted to them physically. I'm fairly attractive, and I am not attracted to a lot of people that are generally unattractive. Call me shallow, but I know that I deserve a full, well-rounded relationship, which includes physical chemistry - and I think everyone does, everyone that wants one.