Intimidated with the truth

[starchamber]

Hi,

I'd like to get some feedback about a challenge I'm facing in my relationship at present.

My boyfriend and I had a serious honest talk about our sexuality. I have always encouraged honesty in our relationship yet have learn't something I'm struggling to deal with.

My boyfriend revealed that he loves Women and looking at their bodies and how he thinks about sex with different Women he meets. He also said he thinks of other Women during sex with me.

He said he looks all the time at other Women yet hides it from me through fear of me thinking he's the unfaithful type. He has thought about what it would be like to have sex with my friends and has said he has even got an erection with some of the Women he looks at.

I, on the other hand have never thought of sex with another not even during sex with him. I admire Men I find attractive and admire whatever physical attribute that grabbed me whether it be the way he dresses, smiles etc... but I have never thought of sex with another.

This has bought up some concerns for me that he may be the type to be unfaithful and wonder whether he would rather be with them than me. I don't feel special to him anymore and feel second best.

In my past relationships I knew that my boyfriends looked and just thought they were admiring like I did yet I didn't think they were wondering what it would be like to have sex with them and never thought or felt they were thinking about sex with others while we had sex.

This information has shocked me and I don't feel our sex is exclusive anymore in a mental sense, and when we have sex now, I'm wondering if he's thinking of another. It's really making me withdrawer.

I haven't spoken to him about how I feel as I'm trying to get my head around this.

I asked for honesty and I sure got it yet I'm feeling uncomfortable with the truth. I don't want to be annoyed with him as that may stop him from being honest in the future.

Unfortunately I'm just not feeling special to him now as I have in the past and am wondering if he needs to go and have sex with these other Women to get it out of his system. I also wonder whether he wishes he was with these other Women yet believes they would not be interested in him and I'll do because I'm available.

He has said he would never act on these thoughts, that he loves me dearly and wants to be with me for the rest of my life, yet I'm now having doubts that he's the one.

Has anyone else dealt with this and overcome it.

[Cristal Lilly]

oh yeah, this is an insanely common thing in relationships, though usually both are doing it and neither is admitting it.

I would like to tell you that him thinking about other women as sexual stimuli is really not a problem for your relationship, and it doesn't automatically get in the way of his love or lust for you. it's just physical, like rubbing a certain place.
you ARE special to him. he didn't HAVE TO be in a relationship with you. in fact, he didn't have to be so honest with you. by doing so, I believe he exhibited not only trust in you as a partner, but also trust in your strength and maturity, aka trusting you to take it like an adult.

with that said, I can really sympathize with you. your position is also perfectly valid. see, what you're feeling now is perfectly normal with regards to how you interpreted what he said. since your gut didn't scream 'I knew it, he likes someone else better!' (always trust your gut, it always knows), I'm gonna go ahead and assume here that he IS faithful and telling you the whole truth.

then the problem is only the interpretation you give to his honesty. I would like you to use one that works better for you, for both of you. first of all, don't sell your bf short. he obviously got you, so he obviously knows how to get girls. so if he wanted to, he could get someone else. yet he chose YOU above all others. so if you don't underestimate him, that would mean you're not second place, but that you got the gold.

I would also like to advise you that during sex, you focus on your pleasure. not on his mental process or his pleasure or his whatever, but on YOU and whatever gets you steaming hot.
and lastly, as my personal advice that is not meant as an offence, I would really really like to recommend to you that you grant yourself freedom of thought and allow yourself to have sexual fantasies about all sorts of things. and people. it is actually beneficial to a relationship cause it gets you going and dragging him to bed, it is not cheating, it helps your own sexual fulfillment and it is so much fun. if it helps, you can always just imagine some other person with your bfs face.

you're a woman. a sexual godess. own it. own your first place instead of feeling threatened by thoughts. and make yourself your own first place in your head.

[starchamber]

I agree that it demonstrated his level of trust for me and that's why I'm reluctant to tell him how it has impacted me.

My gut told me he had an attraction for my girlfriend and that prompted the discussion. Now when she's around I feel nervous and have lost my confidence.

I wonder if a situation arose and I wasn't there whether they would go for it. My girlfriend is single and has shared with me about flings she's had with husbands of friends of hers.

What gets me steaming hot with sex is images of him, images of sexual positions we've done in the past. That's what does it for me. I'm just not interested in anyone else that way.

I understand how you say it is my interpretation of his honesty.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by starchamber

I agree that it demonstrated his level of trust for me and that's why I'm reluctant to tell him how it has impacted me.

So he trusts you, shares with you honestly but you don't reciprocate? Mmmm....

My gut told me he had an attraction for my girlfriend and that prompted the discussion. Now when she's around I feel nervous and have lost my confidence.

How come?

I wonder if a situation arose and I wasn't there whether they would go for it. My girlfriend is single and has shared with me about flings she's had with husbands of friends of hers.

Lack of trust in boyfriend and in lady friend.

What gets me steaming hot with sex is images of him, images of sexual positions we've done in the past. That's what does it for me. I'm just not interested in anyone else that way.

I understand how you say it is my interpretation of his honesty.

Many men I know fantasize about sex with different women than their partner. Whether you like it or not, it seems to be how we are wired.

Many women do the same. You don't, and you don't need to if you don't want to.

I suggest you work on your confidence. Insecurity and (possible) jealousy will not improve the relationship.

On a related matter: the fact that we 'demand' faithfulness from our partners makes the longing for 'forbidden fruit' even stronger. If we just let go of faithfulness wrt sex, life could be much easier, and the longing for sex with others would probalby be not as strong.

[marinik]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

On a related matter: the fact that we 'demand' faithfulness from our partners makes the longing for 'forbidden fruit' even stronger. If we just let go of faithfulness wrt sex, life could be much easier, and the longing for sex with others would probalby be not as strong.

I agree with spirit on this part, just let go and specially don't demand. I had a partner like this. Totally honest with me from day 1. Telling me what and how he thinks about other women. Yes sometimes it is a bit too much, to many details, for my vanity, but I did overcome it all. At first, sometimes, I had to play the part of the none jealous women and then became one totally. So I told him some things, even invented one or two to keep the balance. Ashamed now, but just being honest in trying to help you. At the end we were totally faithful to eachother and realized that it happened because nobody insisted on it for the other. The fact that we could talk about it all made it not as much interesting I suppose as spirit said about forbidden fruit. Today I haven't got one jealous bone in my body and I feel so liberated. It was even a LDR so it could have been even more complicated. It didn't end because of this, in a way it never did. But we are both with other people for a long time now.

As for how you feel about yourself, and what you think during sex that is a tough one you have to deal with yourself. It is all in your head and has nothing to do with what he told you, but the story you told yourself in your mind after the talk. He was and is the same man. And you are the same woman with her Ego hurt.

[drakecatz]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by starchamber

My gut told me he had an attraction for my girlfriend and that prompted the discussion. Now when she's around I feel nervous and have lost my confidence.

My ex would talk about my bf after sex. You do know in your gut if there is an attraction there. It ended both relationships. I lost trust for both of them.

You do need to talk with him about how this makes you feel. And you need to ask yourself if you can get behond this. I would think it would be very hard to be making love knowing he might not be present with you. And I get the feeling it's more about making love for you than having hot sex.

Depending on the situation, mental cheating can be just as bad as cheating.

Talk to him. He sounds like a good guy and maybe you're making more of this than he ever would. If I were you I would most want to know how often he thinks of other women when he's making love to you. No woman needs that!

Keep us posted! I understand how hard this is for you.

[ang569]

I'm not sure about this but try googling the "Ladder Theory"

[kimberleee]

LOTS of people fantasize about others during sex with a long-time partner... it's normal. It doesn't make them cheaters... it doesn't mean they're going to pounce on the opportunity to actually hop in the sack with someone else.

Your boyfriend obviously cherishes you-- or he wouldn't have been honest with you at all. He's shared something with you, exposing himself in a way, because he TRUSTS you. For a lot of men, having the ability to talk openly and honestly about sex and fantasy with the woman he cares about does NOT come so easy.

Now it's time for you to return the favor. You said you were worried that he won't be honest with you in the future if you tell him that his previous honesty upset you. Stop making those assumptions. He WANTS you to be honest with him. He WANTS to know when something is upsetting you. He WANTS you to be happy with him and happy with your sex life and open about your feelings. and most of all... HE WANTS YOU TO TRUST HIM. Got that??

You don't have to yell, you don't have to cry, you don't have to get angry or paranoid or accuse him of anything... but you do have to TELL HIM that since he admitted he has fantasies about other women, you've felt self-conscience and insecure.
YOU are just as involved in this relationship as he is, and YOU have just as much right to feel special and loved and desired.

I'm willing to BET that once you TALK TO HIM you'll both feel so much better. I'm sure he can sense that you're upset about something. I'm sure he finds you incredibly attractive and desirable and he would never DREAM of hurting you like that (by cheating on you, i mean.)

You also need to consider the nature of fantasies. they're never to be taken literally. For example... a woman who gets off imagining she's being raped or violated... doesn't ACTUALLY WANT to be raped in reality. She just enjoys a man who takes control in the bedroom. There are straight women who have sexual fantasies about OTHER WOMEN... not because they're secretly lesbians... but because they like sex to be nurturing and soft and romantic. Someone who fantasizes about a variety of other people-- usually just wants to add some variety and change and kink to their sex-life. Make a trip to a lingerie store and try a little role-play-- surprise him with something new. Have sex in a place that isn't the bedroom... THAT'S what he's really after, not other women.
But most importantly-- TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[HappyLuckyOne]

[QUOTE=drakecatz;387823]

Depending on the situation, mental cheating can be just as bad as cheating.

I totally agree with drake! For me, mental cheating is as bad as one actually doing it.

I tried to be honest with my ex about my thoughts in sex. He just told me a general statement "it's men's fantasy to have sex with many women". So he didn't tell me particularly about himself. So, there was a bit of hidding of real thoughts. That was not honest.

In your case, your bf is very honest. Now, it's a matter of whether you can take and the handle the truth or not. It's hard, I know.

[Dreamline]

Only have sex with the lights on. It sort of makes it difficult to think about anyone else.

Your problem is common. But the problem isn't your boyfriend. It's your sexual incompatibility. (I swear Mother Nature designs it so men and women who are only wildly incompatible ever fall in love. Nature's birth control.)

I could write a book about how many men I have chatted with whose wives were just like you. Living in a closed world of sexual definitions. HER sexual definitions. HERS were right. His were, always in some way, abhorrant or deviant. How, after years of trying to open up their beloved wives to a tad of adventure, they finally gave up. Sought elsewhere. Most, still doing their darndest to be faithful, settled for online fun with total strangers they'll never meet. Never touch. Never "cheat" with.

Your man will surf porn on the web. He will be the one who has cybersex because it turns him on. He will go to strip clubs and ogle women he can never have. Never touch. He will flirt. He will jack off secretly to videos.

You are the chaste princess who wants her Prince Charming to think of only her, happily ever after. You should be all he needs, right? Your fairy tale has burst now with this horrid revelation. Imagination is fine as long as it's not used in any way that will make you feel insecure.

Yawn.

You are a fool. You are special to him. He has chosen YOU to be his real mate. His fantasy mates are not real. Probably never will be. But because you have defined sexuality into a small box of right and wrong, good and bad, it's likely you will never fully connect.

Just because he uses his God-given imagination in ways that stimulate himself sexually doesn't mean he's a cheater. It doesn't mean you don't turn him on. It doesn't mean you aren't his whole world. It just means that fantasies turn him on.

So save your sexual relationship. Apologize to him for being a nudge. Almost prudish. Tell him you think it's hot that he has such a vivid sexual imagination. Tell him you hope that it can be a catalyst to creating better lovemaking for the two of you. Be each other's world, sexually. But that means you both give and take. Which means accepting that he uses his own imagination for his own pleasure and it doesn't have to reflect badly on you.

Jennifer

[Cheshire Cat]

I've been through a similar experience... you say you feel 'un-special' because of this uncomfortable truth? Well, has he shown you in other ways than simply saying the words why he loves you dearly and why you're special to him? And if so, perhaps it's better to give him the benefit of your doubts unless proven otherwise? Honesty should help build a trusting relationship not break it. I don't think you're a fool to be safeguarding your heart and happiness though. In an intimate setting, I personally feel that it shows more respect and love to be paying attention to the person who is actually in front of us, and if he's doing the deed with you while fantasizing about other faces, I'd see that as more sex than love-making. It's normal to feel jealous when you believe in exclusivity, but try not to let it turn into an unhealthy possessiveness. And just because someone chooses to stay and be with you doesn't always mean they'll love you the way you want them to. Sometimes, love really isn't enough. Only you know your own standards and limits when it comes to love and happiness, and you'll have to decide for yourself whether he's worth keeping. He seems to believe you are, yes?

[Nex]

A real cheater would make sure you never find out that he thinks that way.

[MidasGirl]

No need to be insecure. All men (who like women) fantasize about other women, and you should fantasize too. It's good for your sex life. Those who don't tell you, doesn't mean they aren't doing it, just means they don't want to be freaked out on like you just did with your boyfriend.

What redblooded hetero sexual man is going to go through life without desiring other women? This is something I've talked about with guys who never cheat. They say they don't cheat not because they don't get tempted to, but because it's an integrity issue for them. Integrity has nothing to do with who else is looking, it's who is looking in the mirror. So do you feel your boyfriend has integrity? If he does, then try not to be an average drama queen and bringing unnecessary drama into his life.

Next morning edit: Just wanted to add something here. As a woman, we are blessed with a strong power of intuition. You can usually tell when a man is not "present" for you. If he's fantasizing about these people all the time, then that might be a problem. You will know which is which.

[Dreamline]

The other option is to walk on the wild side. Explore your own imagination and see if it can live up to his.

No harm done. Because it's not real. Then you can see from his perspective and hopefully choose better reactions next time.

Jennifer