dating multiple women

[tomn8er]

Hey so I have found myself in the unfamiliar (for me!) position of being able to date more than one women. I'm 22 and single, and at this point in my life I want to keep it that way. But I also want to explore my options and meet new people, so ideally I'd like to date a few different girls.

What I'm not sure about is whether or not I should tell them this. From my understanding most women don't like the idea of an open relationship. But at the same time, I don't want to deceive them by not telling them because I don't want anybody to get hurt. I certainly don't consider myself a player but I would like to enjoy the companionship of multiple women at this point in my life, largely because I haven't had much experience with dating or sex and I want to change that.

Any suggestions for how I can remain honest and still get what I want? Or is this too much to ask from most women?

[HCG]

Any suggestions for how I can remain honest and still get what I want? Or is this too much to ask from most women?

Depends on the woman.

"Most" woman are quite unconscious and therefore suffer a minority complex. Which means they want you all for themselves and are too jealous for an open relationship. So it may be too much to ask from most women.
But those women are not able to love you if they do not love themself - so why spend time with them?

So the question is if you want to spend time with lying to her or prefer being honest and risk "losing" her?

Personally I prefer being honest.

[funchy]

As a woman this is my outlook: unless you're married, engaged, or in a committed long-term relationship you both verbally agree to, you're free to casually date who you wish.

In my opinon, people fall straight from casual dating to long-term boyfriend/girlfriend automatically without exploring other options. I think that's a mistake.

If a guy wants to date someone else while he casually dates me, I wouldn't see a problem with it. If he's LYING about where he is, pretending he's someone he's not, or feigning commitment, then he's gone when I find out. I just don't have time for dishonest people.

Besides... you're young... only 22. I wouldn't expect you to want to get tied down right now anyway. When you meet the right person, both of you will know it's right. In the meantime, enjoy life!

[funchy]

Originally Posted by HCG

"Most" woman are quite unconscious and therefore suffer a minority complex. Which means they want you all for themselves and are too jealous for an open relationship. So it may be too much to ask from most women. But those women are not able to love you if they do not love themself - so why spend time with them?

Do you realize that to the woman viewers of this board your statement sounds a bit unkind to say the least?

If you think women are "unconscious", maybe instead could the problem be you? Perhaps you're unable to see the person inside, and it's easier to treat them all as jealous, insecure dummies? I am not saying that to be rude, but as a woman, I really don't understand your point of view.

[HCG]

Do you realize that to the woman viewers of this board your statement sounds a bit unkind to say the least?

If you think women are "unconscious", maybe instead could the problem be you? Perhaps you're unable to see the person inside, and it's easier to treat them all as jealous, insecure dummies? I am not saying that to be rude, but as a woman, I really don't understand your point of view.

I didnt say all women. Just most of them

So it depends.

[tomn8er]

Originally Posted by funchy

As a woman this is my outlook: unless you're married, engaged, or in a committed long-term relationship you both verbally agree to, you're free to casually date who you wish.

In my opinon, people fall straight from casual dating to long-term boyfriend/girlfriend automatically without exploring other options. I think that's a mistake.

If a guy wants to date someone else while he casually dates me, I wouldn't see a problem with it. If he's LYING about where he is, pretending he's someone he's not, or feigning commitment, then he's gone when I find out. I just don't have time for dishonest people.

Besides... you're young... only 22. I wouldn't expect you to want to get tied down right now anyway. When you meet the right person, both of you will know it's right. In the meantime, enjoy life!

Yes! This really hits the nail on the head... I just wish more women thought like you. Unfortunately, from my experience it seems that the vast majority of them are very resistant to the idea of an open relationship... they treat it like a bad joke and they feel like they are 'being used'. But at my age it's as you say: I'm not looking to get tied down to any one person. I also have the suspicion that the right person for me won't have any hangups about open relationships so this won't even be an issue once I meet her.

[Andrew Brunelle]

There will be those who accept you and those who don't. Being honest and direct will show you who will be best suited to be one of your many companions. Just let the women know what's up and if they stay, great. If not, they probably aren't right for you anyway.

[James81]

I wouldn't lie about it, but I wouldn't go broadcasting it either. You are under NO obligation to tell women you are casually dating that you are casually dating more than one woman.

You are only obligated to tell them when you get into a relationship.

[tomn8er]

Originally Posted by James81

I wouldn't lie about it, but I wouldn't go broadcasting it either. You are under NO obligation to tell women you are casually dating that you are casually dating more than one woman.

You are only obligated to tell them when you get into a relationship.

True... but then what happens?? This is basically the reason me and my gf broke up - I knew what I wanted but I didn't tell her. I'm glad to say I never cheated on her but after 3 months of keeping silent I ended up breaking up with her, ostensibly over a minor argument, but the real reason was because I knew she wasn't cool with an open relationship and I didn't want to stay 'stuck'. I'm not going to say it wasn't worth the heartache because I did enjoy our short relationship overall, but ideally I want a situation where we're both on the same page so I can get what I want and no one gets hurt.

The problem is that the woman's default assumption is that you are only seeing them. Sure you can say that this is their problem or even a societal problem - "not my fault" - but playing on peoples' assumptions is still being dishonest. Even so, I am skeptical at how effective this approach will be... I'd rather be totally honest up front, but most women won't even consider an open relationship and trying to convince them by reasoning with them is about as effective as trying to 'reason them' out of any other ingrained belief. (i.e. pretty much hopeless)

[Dreamline]

After my divorce I was dating approximately seven men. It helped a little that two were out of my state. But I never had to explain to any of them where I was, who I was with or even classify or qualify my relationships. There is no difference with women, unless you make a big fat deal out of the "status" of your relationship with them. Mentioning "open relationship" is a mistake, first of all. It translates into "Hi. You are now my new fuuck buddy, thank you very much." So why explain at all?

If you lead them to believe that your relationship is more than casual, then they have every right to expect more than casual. That's how it works with men or women. If you keep it clearly casual, there will be no ambiguity. Seeing someone several times a week is more than casual. Always seeing the same woman on busy date nights like Friday and Saturday may seem more than casual. Calling and emailing and texting frequently will seem like more than casual.

If you see a woman and she seems to get really clingy, really fast...you might have to explain that you are not interested in an LTR at the moment but enjoy the time you two spend together....etc.

But if you wish them to keep an open mind, you should keep one too. It's only fair: You may actually meet Miss Right the first time out.

Jennifer

[Indiana]

My feeling is that it is dishonest not to be clear with someone you are casually dating that you are seeing, or planning to see other people at the same time.

Perhaps not on the first date, but if you plan to see them again, I think you should tell them that you are not presently looking for a long-term relationship and that you are or may start seeing other women. It saves the possibility of the girl being broken-hearted or angry when she finds out you're seeing or have been seeing other people while involved in a physical relationship with her.

[Brutha]

At the start of your relationship you have time to negotiate with your girlfriend whether it's acceptable for her that you have an open relationship.
If it's more important to her to have an relationship with you than she will agree.

If you keep silent about it and it suprises her later she will probably leave you.

[this is fun]

Originally Posted by Indiana

I think you should tell them that you are not presently looking for a long-term relationship and that you are or may start seeing other women.

I agree with this. Of course depending on how you present it. I know some women who would like to continue a relationship like that and wouldn't mind you dating others, as they would have the same option. And then again, there are others who would decide to break up.
Either way, I don't think you should make choices for them in terms of whether or not they need to know something. Let them decide what they think is best for them.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by tomn8er

...The problem is that the woman's default assumption is that you are only seeing them. Sure you can say that this is their problem or even a societal problem - "not my fault" - but playing on peoples' assumptions is still being dishonest. Even so, I am skeptical at how effective this approach will be... I'd rather be totally honest up front, but most women won't even consider an open relationship and trying to convince them by reasoning with them is about as effective as trying to 'reason them' out of any other ingrained belief. (i.e. pretty much hopeless)

No, the problem is that you make a problem out of it. Date as many women as you want, and tell them casually (no need to rub their noses in it, it's not that important either) that you date more women, because you like dating, getting to know new friends etc. If a woman makes a problem out of that, you know enough.

Not all dating needs to lead to an exclusive relationship.

[MmeIntentional]

As a female currently in a open relationship. I have no problem with the guy who I am seeing to go with other women. We both made it clear from day one. I am also dating other men too. However if I found out that he was lying to me and being disrespectful he would be gone in no time!

So just be honest! Things can get really nasty if you don't!

Are you worried that if your honest that you may loose one if not all of the women?

[tomn8er]

Originally Posted by MmeIntentional

Are you worried that if your honest that you may loose one if not all of the women?

Yes... and it's already likely to happen. The thing is, right now I'm only seeing one person (but I am trying to make plans to see others), and I just started seeing her. So it's obviously nothing serious at this point and we both know that. The day after the first date I told her that I wasn't looking for a relationship atm and was planning on seeing other people as well, and asked her if she would be ok with that. She said that she's tried this sort of thing in the past and it "never works out". I told her to think about and let me know what she decides.... well, it's been two days and she hasn't gotten back to me.

Now, I can see how saying that would send a bad impression but I wanted to be honest up front. I don't want a situation where we continue to see each other and it develops into something serious because that is bound to blow up in my face. (It already did with my last gf).

[tomn8er]

Originally Posted by Indiana

Perhaps not on the first date, but if you plan to see them again, I think you should tell them that you are not presently looking for a long-term relationship and that you are or may start seeing other women. It saves the possibility of the girl being broken-hearted or angry when she finds out you're seeing or have been seeing other people while involved in a physical relationship with her.

I agree with this. That's why I told the girl the day after the first date. Perhaps it was too soon, but based on the way things were progressing, I wanted to tell her before we actually had sex so she wouldn't get hurt or feel used. Well, I doubt there's going to be a second date now. I just think that sucks because if I had been like most other ******** and kept my mouth shut I wouldn't be on my own again now.

[tomn8er]

Originally Posted by Dreamline

Mentioning "open relationship" is a mistake, first of all. It translates into "Hi. You are now my new fuuck buddy, thank you very much." So why explain at all?

Lol, yeah, this is pretty much the default interpretation isn't it? It's a shame because I don't want to give that impression.

Originally Posted by Dreamline

But if you wish them to keep an open mind, you should keep one too. It's only fair: You may actually meet Miss Right the first time out.

Jennifer

Good point. I never thought about it like that. But what if you've met them and you decide they aren't Miss Right? That's pretty much what I've determined with the girl I saw on Sunday... for a variety of reasons lol. But I still would like to continue to get to know her and spend time together (beyond the bedroom stuff ).

[Dreamline]

Originally Posted by Indiana

My feeling is that it is dishonest not to be clear with someone you are casually dating that you are seeing, or planning to see other people at the same time.

I don't agree with this. This is basically saying that HER state of mind is more important than his wishes or state of mind. That her assumptions, which she has no business making, override his choices.

After a dramatic speech like that, there will never be any kind of spontaneity because both parties will feel they have to conform to the static image of what was set out in the beginning of the relationship, based on the speech. THIS is the type of thing that creates unecessary drama in so many relationships.

One can still be an honest person, by the definition of honest, without having to set out some predestined path with how this relationship is going to be. Who ever knows? The man may actually find he does want more from the relationship but after that "back off, baby" announcement, how can he ever go there?

It's wrong for someone to make assumptions on another person's intentions. If someone does that, they are at fault and should take the consequences.

Jennifer

[Dreamline]

Originally Posted by tomn8er

Good point. I never thought about it like that. But what if you've met them and you decide they aren't Miss Right? That's pretty much what I've determined with the girl I saw on Sunday... for a variety of reasons lol. But I still would like to continue to get to know her and spend time together (beyond the bedroom stuff ).

I'm not sure you really know what you want, based on this thread. Not that you HAVE to know such things, in life. That's what is great about life. You don't have to have all the answers.

There is dating with the intention of meeting a mate and there is dating for only fun and companionship. Some people combine them, some have strong ideas that go only in one direction or another.

You seem like you want both. Maybe at the same time. You also seem extremely reluctant to hurt anyone. Let me just say that you can't have your cake and eat it too when it comes to casual dating and NOT hurting people. It's part of the deal.

I would suggest, rather than complicating this ball of wax any further with too much thought, just date. Don't explain yourself. Don't make promises you can't keep. Be your casual self. Be happy. Be confident. If you are challenged by any of the women you are seeing, explain. Confidently and kindly that you are also seeing other women. It's not a crime. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

You have chosen a specific game where you may not get to keep your toys, though, when the game gets hot and heavy. So you have to accept that.

Jennifer

[tomn8er]

Originally Posted by Dreamline

I'm not sure you really know what you want, based on this thread. Not that you HAVE to know such things, in life. That's what is great about life. You don't have to have all the answers.

There is dating with the intention of meeting a mate and there is dating for only fun and companionship. Some people combine them, some have strong ideas that go only in one direction or another.

You seem like you want both. Maybe at the same time. You also seem extremely reluctant to hurt anyone. Let me just say that you can't have your cake and eat it too when it comes to casual dating and NOT hurting people. It's part of the deal.

I would suggest, rather than complicating this ball of wax any further with too much thought, just date. Don't explain yourself. Don't make promises you can't keep. Be your casual self. Be happy. Be confident. If you are challenged by any of the women you are seeing, explain. Confidently and kindly that you are also seeing other women. It's not a crime. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

You have chosen a specific game where you may not get to keep your toys, though, when the game gets hot and heavy. So you have to accept that.

Jennifer

Thanks Jennifer I really appreciate your advice! You're right, I don't really know what I want because my life is too up in the air right now and I haven't had enough experience on the dating front to really know what kind of woman I would be compatible with. That's why I want to maximize the amount of women I date (within reason ) in the near future - so I can explore different kinds of people.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by tomn8er

I agree with this. That's why I told the girl the day after the first date. Perhaps it was too soon, but based on the way things were progressing, I wanted to tell her before we actually had sex so she wouldn't get hurt or feel used. Well, I doubt there's going to be a second date now. I just think that sucks because if I had been like most other ******** and kept my mouth shut I wouldn't be on my own again now.

No, but then you would be like most other ********!

It may make it harder for you to meet women who want the same things, but it's best in the long run.

I disagree with Jennifer that being clear about your intentions from the outset is placing someone else's state of mind above your own. It doesn't need to be a big dramatic speech... something like, "Hey, I'm really enjoying getting to know you, and I'd like to continue to do so. Just so there's no confusion though, I'm not looking for anything too serious right now, and I hope you're cool with us both being able to see other people for now. Are you?"

If she's into the same thing, this will come as a relief to her! She'll be glad she's met a guy who's going to take things easy. If she's looking for a more serious relationship, she'll know right away that your current goals are incompatible and nobody's time will be wasted/feelings hurt.

[Dreamline]

Originally Posted by Indiana

I disagree with Jennifer that being clear about your intentions from the outset is placing someone else's state of mind above your own. It doesn't need to be a big dramatic speech... something like, "Hey, I'm really enjoying getting to know you, and I'd like to continue to do so. Just so there's no confusion though, I'm not looking for anything too serious right now, and I hope you're cool with us both being able to see other people for now. Are you?"

Nah. I still feel this is too contrived. It stifles what may be. Sets boundaries that may forever stain the intensity of the relationship, cause second-guessing when it comes to honesty or passion or spontaneity.

Remember: he is not totally adverse to a long term relationship if the partner is suitable. He just wants to have tastes and nibbles so it's easier to feel that he's had enough experience at the buffet of love before he picks his favorite dish. That doesn't negate that the first one could be "the one."

Staining the fun and rush and innocence of new desire with all sorts of "contractual" agreements is so banal. So undignified. So un-romantic. So buzz-killy.

Those conversations are better left to a time when something seems to be going awry.

Jennifer

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Dreamline

Staining the fun and rush and innocence of new desire with all sorts of "contractual" agreements is so banal. So undignified. So un-romantic. So buzz-killy.

There's nothing contractual or undignified about it. Being able to be clear and confident about what you want is important and even attractive.

What is unromantic and buzz-killy is when you discover that the guy you've been dating and sleeping with for a few months, who you told very early on that you preferred to date one person at a time, has decided not to mention that he's actually doing the same with other women. I tell ya, that killed the romance and the buzz for me pretty damn quick... and got his ass dumped in short order.

Now I won't date anyone unless they have some clarity around what they're after. It doesn't necessarily eliminate them if they're just looking for something casual, but I like a man who's strong enough to know what he wants and is not afraid to say it.

[tomn8er]

So far it's been my experience that most young women are averse to open relationships. I think for women it's harder to accept this idea because they don't want to appear like a slut for sleeping with several men, and then it kind of becomes a matter of "well if I can't have it, why should he??" In her eyes, this makes it seem that she isn't equal to the man because she has to share him with other women.

I can sympathize with these apprehensions but I think it's unfortunate that such fears seem to form the majority view. I wish people would be more open with their love rather than only sharing it with one other person.... as if giving it away too freely will somehow cheapen it. Love is NOT an expendable good!!!

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by tomn8er

So far it's been my experience that most young women are averse to open relationships.

So check out some older women then! You may well find there's no shortage of confident, beautiful women who are not actually looking for a serious relationship that you might enjoy spending time with... and even learn something.

I also think you've over-simplified the reasons women are less reluctant than men to have several sex partners at once; there could be many from simple biology and health to stability to romanticism and religion. I don't think fear is by necessity the main reason at all, and it's a little diminishing to suggest that just because someone doesn't share your preferences, they are somehow fearful or unevolved.

[AJ ARLC]

I can say this as a guy myself who prefers one-on-one relationships/dating scenarios at the moment -

I view dating as hanging out with someone with whom there is already a romantic interest, not as a test or evaluation to see if there is something more. Or at least, I used to want to go about dating as a means of spending time/progressing things further with someone with whom the feelings were already mutual. I dislike the view of it being a numbers game, a means of weeding through people and making them all compete against each other in a sense.

I know that because I would hate if a woman were to do the same to me, and pit me against other guys to see who was the prize bull/alpha dog, you know? Plus I grew up knowing that women hate being objectified, treated like trophies or commodities, etc., and in turn, some of their feelings/philosophies have become my own, and I don't like to date as a means of testing or playing a field. To me, a date resembles that the person already has my attraction and trust rather than having to have earned it.

However - in recent times, after reading various e-books on the issue, and talking to people who expressed opinions similar to this thread - it seems that dating HAS to be a way of testing people out to see if they're romantically compatible, since you can not just talk to women overtime and learn more about them, seeing as if you fail to make blind romantic movements early, they decide quickly that's how the relationship would be. It's not that I agree with the concept of deciding early that you're romantically attached to a person before knowing the personal things about them, but it seems that's how it has to be in today's world.

I don't know about women who are reluctant to date more than one man at a time, it seems as if they go through dating many guys before finding their suitable interest so they can keep their options open. It's also arguable that women are very picky by nature - people have scientifically argued that by biological instinct, women are choosy about whose seed they take, and take longer to warm up to a man since once things happen, she's the one who has to spend 9 months carrying a baby, as well as years of raising and protecting them - and it seems as if today, that translates to dating several men at once to see, in comparison to the others, who is the most charming or fitting for her romantic needs.

So, the way I see it, do as you please, and take the route in which you can deal with the potential downsides:

- Dating several women at once, and risking offending a few in hopes of finding someone more lax and understanding of your true goals
- Dating one woman at a time, and risking slowing yourself down, narrowing your options, in hopes of being a gentleman, more likable, and more approved of, as well as having a better chance at things going longer term as she's less likely to feel like she's competing with someone.

[pjhaggerty]

you want to date multiple women at the same time? that can happen. However, there's some specific things you have to do.

1st: you have to be ok with her dating other guys at the same time, and be completely non-jealous about it. Some girls might even try to play jealousy games with you to see if you'll get jealous, watch out for that.

2nd: you do have to tell her. however, I would tell her 'I'm single and I like being single' instead of 'I'm dating 4 other women right now'. And I would only tell her that after you decided you like her and she's decided she likes you (after the first kiss and before sex happens is a good time to make this clear)

3rd: You should limit your time together. This is a tough one. But you shouldn't see any individual girl more than once, Maybe twice a week.

4th: If you do get more than one girl who is cool with that, then you need to try your hardest not to rub it in their faces. You want to keep your girls separate. This includes things like photos, house cleanliness, as well as more obvious things like cell phone messages, and no double booking.

After that, trust your gut on what is best for both of you

[amj]

Originally Posted by tomn8er

Hey so I have found myself in the unfamiliar (for me!) position of being able to date more than one women. I'm 22 and single, and at this point in my life I want to keep it that way. But I also want to explore my options and meet new people, so ideally I'd like to date a few different girls.

What I'm not sure about is whether or not I should tell them this. From my understanding most women don't like the idea of an open relationship. But at the same time, I don't want to deceive them by not telling them because I don't want anybody to get hurt. I certainly don't consider myself a player but I would like to enjoy the companionship of multiple women at this point in my life, largely because I haven't had much experience with dating or sex and I want to change that.

Any suggestions for how I can remain honest and still get what I want? Or is this too much to ask from most women?

See what they are looking for and then tell them what you are looking for. That seems to work pretty well. I understand your situation though. I have been down that same road. Just keep it real with them.