Neediness vs Open-mindedness/Curiosity

[Kean]

Neediness is accused as a potential turn-off when dating and mating, especially if guys show it.

What I often read on self-help blogs, books and articles, seduction guides, etc. including those on this community and similar ones (including Alex Strandberg "Inner Game Reframe", of which I wrote an extensive critique about here: Seduction vs Directness - the problem of human diversity ), seems to point out that even trying to understand the other persons' standpoint and tastes - or at least being open-minded towards it instead of always putting our own needs first - is wrong and is a turn-off.

Do you think it men can be perceived as needy when they try to listen to a woman or even act with curiosity about a womans' tastes, values and lifestyle?

[Thomas]

Originally Posted by Kean

Do you think it men can be perceived as needy when they try to listen to a woman or even act with curiosity about a womans' tastes, values and lifestyle?

Depends on how you listen/act with curiosity. If you go too deep in an area, while in general the relationship hasn't developed very far, it'll be weird. Constructing a detailed dossier (and showing off with it) is probably not a good idea, either. Getting to know each other, rather than showing curiosity on your behalf alone, is something both people involved should be interested in.

I suppose the important bit is for what kind of purpose you are interested in someone. If it's just to find someone to patch holes in yourself, or in other words to fill a need (i. e. being needy), it'll be rather one-sided. Have something to give as well (and that could be matching interests, tastes, values etc.), to share. So, if your purpose is to find out what her tastes,.. are to find out where you match up or share something, that'll be far better than creating artificial interest in yourself which in turn you might not able to sustain for a long time.

[Cristal Lilly]

Originally Posted by Kean

trying to understand the other persons' standpoint and tastes - or at least being open-minded towards it instead of always putting our own needs first - is wrong and is a turn-off.

oh wow! this one is a shocker...
I'm not the ambassador of all women everywhere or anything of the sort, but from this girls point of view the quote up there is just ridiculously wrong. in fact, for me personally, if I don't see any open mindedness, listening or curiosity towards My Stuff and Point Of View, I lose all interest.
in fact, I'd find that kind of person to be quite obnoxious and unpleasant to be around.

[Thomas]

Originally Posted by Cristal Lilly

oh wow! this one is a shocker...
I'm not the ambassador of all women everywhere or anything of the sort, but from this girls point of view the quote up there is just ridiculously wrong. in fact, for me personally, if I don't see any open mindedness, listening or curiosity towards My Stuff and Point Of View, I lose all interest.
in fact, I'd find that kind of person to be quite obnoxious and unpleasant to be around.

Might be, that there are too many negations in the sentence and it wasn't meant that way - but then it might also be that it could mean to emphasize that always being understanding etc. is not recommended, or, that one would have to hold up their own values as well.
Or that being obnoxious (in a mild sense) is attractive.. like not being Mr. Nice Guy? ;-)

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Kean

Neediness is accused as a potential turn-off when dating and mating, especially if guys show it.

What I often read on self-help blogs, books and articles, seduction guides, etc. including those on this community and similar ones (including Alex Strandberg "Inner Game Reframe", of which I wrote an extensive critique about here: Seduction vs Directness - the problem of human diversity ), seems to point out that even trying to understand the other persons' standpoint and tastes - or at least being open-minded towards it instead of always putting our own needs first - is wrong and is a turn-off.

Do you think it men can be perceived as needy when they try to listen to a woman or even act with curiosity about a womans' tastes, values and lifestyle?

No interest telegraphs an obnoxious person who only cares about himself,
too much interest without saying anything about himself telegraphs that the guy has no life, and is needy..

So I guess it's a matter of finding the right middle ground.. but I don't think there is a formula for it.. Just do what feels natural, and if you are needy you'll appear needy.. and if you're not needy then you won't appear needy (I think)

[recordrustle]

Originally Posted by Kean

Neediness is accused as a potential turn-off when dating and mating, especially if guys show it.

Do you think it men can be perceived as needy when they try to listen to a woman or even act with curiosity about a womans' tastes, values and lifestyle?

I dont think that definition above is neediness at all.

I think being understanding of a womans tastes, values and lifestyles means listening to them and empathizing with them, you dont have to agree with them, it is annoying when someone (m or f) agrees with everything you say just to please you. I had a boyfriend like that once and it annoyed me.
I think its interesting when someone has a differing view on things and says so, but conversations aren't wars (some people tend to think so). People should just chill out and be themselves.

[shasah]

Originally Posted by Kean
Neediness is accused as a potential turn-off when dating and mating, especially if guys show it.

Do you think it men can be perceived as needy when they try to listen to a woman or even act with curiosity about a womans' tastes, values and lifestyle?

I don't think it is the listening or curiosity that is the problem, but that a woman doesn't want (at least this woman) a guy that a) she can walk all over or b) that follows her around like a puppy dog. Neediness is calling 10 times a day or giving her anything and everything even when she shouldn't get it or agreeing even if you don't really agree.

Listening and curiosity are good things, just not in excess.

[Thomas]

What you're describing is neediness married to stalking. ;-) Neediness as I understood it (correct me, if I'm wrong) would be being emotionally self-sufficient.

An interesting article I found re neediness: Neediness: The Ultimate Turn-Off | at Matrimony Xpress