Has anyone's spouse left them when their child was only a few months old?

[jwilkins]

I just can't get over the fact that my husband chose to leave me when our daughter was 2 months old..This is when he left the first time, then just 2 weeks ago (the baby is now 4 months old) he left again, after trying counselling for 5 weeks. I also found out recently that his reason for wanting to have a child was because he thought it would bring us closer together.. Now that we are separated, I am left literally holding the baby.
I would not trade my daughter for anything, but if I knew my husbands reasoning for wanting to try for a family, I would have waited until we were on more solid ground in our relationship.I would never chosen to have a child to bring up on my own... I had no idea he was feeling so disconnected... Now that we are seperated, he is living a great life, doing whatever he wants as he sees the baby only every other weekend and every wednesday.. I am home everyday and night with the baby, trying to care for her the best I can while dealing with this separation. His reason for leaving me is that he fell out of love with me..This is not the man I married and have loved for 10 years..I don't understand what is going on?? How do I get rid of the anger I have for him doing this to me??

[ang569]

I am so sorry for you. I cannot imagine the pain you must be experiencing during this time.

The way I see it is that he is doing you a favor. Be glad this happened now rather than 3, 4, 5, 10 years down the road. Think of all the time and more of your youth that would have been wasted. After all, would you really want him to stay if he did not want to? Of course not. I believe things happen for a reason and there is something better when you get further down your path. As far as your daughter is concerned, you will realize that she is the best thing you have ever accomplished. Right now you are just so overcome with grief that you just don't seem to be realizing that yet. He is the one missing out and the best "revenge" ( harsh word) you have is to take that job, focus on your daughter and keep your momentum going forward. Let him later look back and realize what he missed out on.

[Orecle]

is this your 1st child

if yes, how comes you waited so long to start a family

were there other signs

ie was he away more?

did sex dry up, if yes who stopped it, and for how long

did you do things as a couple? dates etc

is there financial pressure?

[jwilkins]

Yes, this is our first child.

We waited so long to start a family, because we were unsure about whether we wanted a family. We have been together for 10 years, married for 4, We were best friends before we started dating. We had such an active social life and a large network of friends that we would hang around with together on a regular basis. We travelled (at least one major trip a year). We just had a great time together..doing everything..We would go out together and drink beer on Friday nights.. Financial pressures when we first started out, but over the last 4 or 5 years, we've been pretty good. Not wealthy, but able to pay bills and still have leftover for fun.

All of a sudden my husband had an epiphany and said that we need to have a child now, as he was turning 35 and I was 31. It actually took a little bit of convincing on his part to make me want to start trying, but we had always had an agreeement that we would talk every 6 months about how we were both feeling about starting a family, and if either one of us decided we wanted to have a child, we would go ahead and do it.

The sex did "dry" up, and I realize this is a major factor in the intimacy department, but we had agreed that we were really going to concentrate on "us and the "intimacy" in the realationship once the baby was born and the dust started to settle. In the beginning it was my fault that our sex life deteriorated, but then as I realized the strain it was putting on our relationship, I started initiating more, and he would reject me...not all the time, but often...When I was pregnant, he told me he completely understood why I was uncomfortable having sex, and he didn't really want it either. He thought it was a little weird with our baby in my belly.

[MiBeloved]

Men are overall, scared of commitment. There are exceptions but generally men are scared of commitment, of being tied down and obligated, especially if there are children.
If there are no children, a man is still relatively free even if he is in the same household as a married or unmarried partner but as soon as they are children, all the implications change and the man is then obligated not only to the child but his obligation to the partner increases exponentially as far as he is concerned.
You will never figure it out because to understand it you have to have the psyche of a male. Just as a male body does not usually produce breast and breast milk, so the male psyche is lacking in certain nurturing capacities which are the exclusive attributes of females. If anybody is at fault here, we have to point the finger at Nature or God according to what we believe as the ultimate cause.
My advice is this:
Don’t waste time trying to figure it out. Don’t get into a blame game? Don’t run yourself down, nor blame yourself? Take the situation as it is and function as efficiently as you can in it. Keep your eyes open for assistance from others, such as relative, friends and any another concerned persons.
What to do about your husband? Make the best use of him. Don’t say things to piss him off. If you know his sore points, stay away from these when dealing with him in order to get the best of him.
He has jumped ship as soon as there was a heavy piece of cargo (the child), so there is no sense in causing him to leave port completely with another ship. Don’t do anything to scare him away any further, because then he will just leave and go to another city or state and your only recourse will be child support payments and that is if he has a steady job and is in a state in which courts do this efficiently and promptly.
The main thing is not to lose your cool, because if you do, the infant will be more neglected as a result and it won’t really hurt the infant’s father.
You will have to make do with what you have and so the sooner you realize this and work with this, the better.

[MiBeloved]

Main lesson for you is that even if you make the perfect plan with the best positive thinking from the best “feel good” guru, reality might counteract what you desire. Your plans for the ideal life might go up in smoke. So it is best to take hints from reality when designing your life and planning outcomes.

[Orecle]

Originally Posted by MiBeloved

Men are overall, scared of commitment. There are exceptions but generally men are scared of commitment, of being tied down and obligated, especially if there are children.
If there are no children, a man is still relatively free even if he is in the same household as a married or unmarried partner but as soon as they are children, all the implications change and the man is then obligated not only to the child but his obligation to the partner increases exponentially as far as he is concerned.
You will never figure it out because to understand it you have to have the psyche of a male. Just as a male body does not usually produce breast and breast milk, so the male psyche is lacking in certain nurturing capacities which are the exclusive attributes of females. If anybody is at fault here, we have to point the finger at Nature or God according to what we believe as the ultimate cause.

Pls tell me what qualifies you to make the outlandish assertions you have made regarding men. pls provide proof that a majority of the billions of men (you have never met) have commitment issues
where do you get off, speaking for the male species

Originally Posted by MiBeloved

My advice is this:
What to do about your husband? Make the best use of him. Don’t say things to piss him off. If you know his sore points, stay away from these when dealing with him in order to get the best of him.
He has jumped ship as soon as there was a heavy piece of cargo (the child), so there is no sense in causing him to leave port completely with another ship. Don’t do anything to scare him away any further, because then he will just leave and go to another city or state and your only recourse will be child support payments and that is if he has a steady job and is in a state in which courts do this efficiently and promptly.
The main thing is not to lose your cool, because if you do, the infant will be more neglected as a result and it won’t really hurt the infant’s father.
You will have to make do with what you have and so the sooner you realize this and work with this, the better.

Do you have proof he sees the child as heavy cargo? is it cos he is a man? is this how all men see kids in your world view?

Did he not insist on the child in the 1st place?

and your solution is pussyfoot around him so he doesnt leave?

are you kidding? do you forget this is a personal dev site? so she should people-please so she wont be left alone? Do you think they can raise a courageous high self esteem child for the next 18 yrs?

Do you think she can bite her lip for the next few years so she can keep him around? is this suppose to empower her?

[Orecle]

Originally Posted by MiBeloved

Main lesson for you is that even if you make the perfect plan with the best positive thinking from the best “feel good” guru, reality might counteract what you desire. Your plans for the ideal life might go up in smoke. So it is best to take hints from reality when designing your life and planning outcomes.

and wen reality counteracts your dream, do we not grow by fighting it. wen reality didnt allow man to fly, did we not beat it with the airplane, when reality wouldnt allow us to hear or see over long distances did we not overcome with the telephone and recordable and visual equipment

wen reality gave certain diseases did we not beat it with synthetic drugs?

Man beats reality all the time, wen reality comes stronger, so do we.

besides wat people call reality is only perception.

You cannot for definate say wat reality is.

take a look at the laptop you are typing on. if you had never seen technology would you have believed it possible

it was a few years back wen reality said the world was flat, or the leaving european immigrants would never be great and now we have America, or a black man could never be president of the USA (with an Arab sounding name at that)

much would not be acheived if pioneers entertained so-called reality on the way to their goal

To the OP. if you truely believe he is good for you and you child, fight for him, what have you got to lose

[MiBeloved]

Orecle,

It is only my opinion based on my experience of both my own nature and that of many men I know who are divorced or who have sidestepped child responsibilities. Don't take it seriously. If you have evidence to the contrary present it. I will be the first to listen to it.
There is no reason for me to defend my opinion if evidence to the contrary is presented.

[MiBeloved]

Orecle,
Your position about our fight against reality is great but it is not always a good thing to do in every case. In some cases it is wiser not to fight reality.
There is a saying that discretion is the better part of valor. Sometimes to get the better part of a situation one has to cease butting up against it.
That may or may not be true in this case, but still one has to be open-minded to see when to fight and when to stop resisting.
You cited technology as the result of persistent fighting but technology has brought with it a whole set of insecurities. It is not that we won the fight and that is the end of it.

[freddy]

" How do I get rid of the anger I have for him doing this to me??"
Trust me when he starts having to pay child support every month for years to come... you'll have your revenge.

[Orecle]

Originally Posted by MiBeloved

Orecle,

It is only my opinion based on my experience of both my own nature and that of many men I know who are divorced or who have sidestepped child responsibilities. Don't take it seriously. If you have evidence to the contrary present it. I will be the first to listen to it.
There is no reason for me to defend my opinion if evidence to the contrary is presented.

thats the point

i would not advice someone who is clearly hurting on just MY OPINION. How can i judge a couple billion people on a few dozen experiences. i dont think you have experienced billions of men to defend your op

Originally Posted by MiBeloved

Orecle,
Your position about our fight against reality is great but it is not always a good thing to do in every case. In some cases it is wiser not to fight reality.
There is a saying that discretion is the better part of valor. Sometimes to get the better part of a situation one has to cease butting up against it.
That may or may not be true in this case, but still one has to be open-minded to see when to fight and when to stop resisting.
You cited technology as the result of persistent fighting but technology has brought with it a whole set of insecurities. It is not that we won the fight and that is the end of it.

as i said reality present, we fight and life keeps evolving

[Indiana]

Hey, you don't need to be 'getting over' anything right now.

The fact is, your husband is behaving like a selfish as*hole and it is absolutely fine for you to be experiencing feelings like bewilderment, anger, confusion and regret.

I think the best thing is for you to focus on taking the best possible care of your beautiful daughter and what will be best for her.

Right now, your husband needs to step up and take care of his responsibilities. If he's not prepared to share the physical and emotional responsibilities of taking care of a child, then he should take care of ALL financial responsibilities so that you can focus on caring for your and his baby.

Don't pussyfoot around him. He's behaving like a spoilt little boy and he needs to man up. You're not required to explain this gently or walk on eggshells. Try to stay calm, for no reason other than that it will be good for you, and explain that he can't just walk away from a four-month-old that HE wanted. He's a grown-up now and he has to act like one.

If he won't take responsibility for the situation he is in, then you need to summon up your (righteous) anger, and lawyer up.

A father figure is important for a child. But not if it's a man who behaves like a little boy. Focus on your daughter for now. It's very likely that one day you will find another partner who is man enough to be a good dad to your child.

[jwilkins]

Its not that he is avoiding his responsibilities, altogether. He still takes her, and seems to be happy tp do so..But it is not the same as being with her 24/7 like I am.
I am just trying to figure out how he could go from loving me, and then literally over the next few months, say he doesn't... It is baffling.

[MidasGirl]

Hey OP, I can imagine how painful this must be for you. The fact is, people can do things that can seem so out of character for them we wonder if some alien hijacked them.

My humble opinion is that if you sit there trying to figure this out, you'll be wasting a lot of your much needed mental energy right now. Just change your focus from trying to analyze it, and focus on raising your baby. I honestly don't think you will come up with a satisfactory answer, no matter how much you try to think it. You can look at it and go, "isn't this baffling"? then do the best you can to refocus. Live your life. It's true that women get "stuck" with raising the child for the most part. But we knew that when we had the sex didn't we? If you didn't, then consider it a teachable moment to be more in charge of your decisions and conscious of anything you do. You can look at it as a blessing that he left your life. Or you can look at it like a catastrophe. Either way, this is what is going to set the foundation for the way you allow this event to shape yours and your child's life. The choice is in allowing this to make you a victim or a victor.

I wish you the best. It is possible to meet a guy who actually wants to be a co-partner in raising that child, who may even turn out to be a better dad than the child's father. Trust me when I tell you that.