Marriage - What's the point?

[willnesbitt]

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately. Not necessarily about getting married myself, but about the institution of marriage and its purpose.

What is the purpose of marriage? Is it what a couple is supposed to do because they have been together for a certain length of time and have had sex and really enjoy being around each other everyday? Is it the logical next step...a requirement for relationships? Is it just so you can have sex without going to hell (according to Christianity)?

Why get married? Does the marriage license and the ceremony seal the deal and guarantee a long-lasting relationship? Does God require a couple to take the proper steps before he blesses their union?

These are just some things I've been wondering and was hoping to hear some other opinions/perspectives about the matter.

Look forward to your responses.

[jwilkins]

Hi there,

My opinion of marriage is that it sort of gives credibility to a relationship.

For example, a professional man or woman introducing their partner to someone else for the first time would say either, "This is my boyfriend Jonathan." Or "This is my husband Jonathan." In my opinion, "my HUSBAND" sounds more credible. I don't neccesarily believe that just because you are married that you have a better relationship, or that it is more secure, because I just got separated with only 4 years marriage under my belt. Having said this, I also have a best friend couple who have been together for 17 years, no plans on marrying and no signs of ever breaking up.

When I got married, I remember it being the happiest day of my life, and I remember thinking that I felt more secure that my partner was in it for the long haul, and felt special because he was choosing to give me his name. This is just my opinion.

[freddy]

I think every thing you pointed out is all part of it. But the fact that you get married with a license will not keep two people together. When I got married it was more about tradition and family values. At this point in my life. I think if I were to get back together with someone, I would look at just living together. However two people have to agree to that. I think from a womans point of veiw in most cases, it's to their advantage to seal the deal with a license. Being married will give you time to cool off before calling it quits forever. My advise is just be sure before the "I Do" part.

[spirit4711]

Seen this thread? Why shouldn't we abolish marriage?

[Angela]

Presents!

[siryessir08]

Legal rights.

I would like to be able to make health decisions for my fiance if she's incapacitated in some way.

There are tax benefits.

There are college grant benefits.

You get free presents.

Society accepts your relationship as legitimate.

[Plato]

Because men want to know their children are really his. This was fulfilled by making women property, and infidelity a crime punishable by death.

Haha. Glory days, eh.

Nowadays it's a tradition innit mate, yeeeaaaaah

[Daffy Duck]

You'll probably live longer.

[Plato]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

You'll probably live longer.

You call what most married couples do, living?

[Daffy Duck]

Married people are happier than single people, so yes... they're living.

Heh, just to counter-argue myself: Ultimately a happy person will insist on being happy, no matter if they're married or not. That's the bottom line.

[Dreamline]

Tradition doesn't play a huge role in my life. In most cases I kind of revile it, actually. Nor do family values as defined by other people. The legal aspects and "credibility" aspects are like meh as well. If one is careful, they can enjoy legal safety no matter what kind of relationship they choose. Credibility smacks of approval and I don't need anyone's.

So I speak only of the human-to-human benefits of marriage. I know many people are drawn here because of Steve's ideas about polyamory and whatnot but, while I won't deny being attracted to other men, I love the idea of this great person who has decided to be betrothed to me and I to him. I believe that many humans are designed emotionally and mentally to have a mate for life. Many others shouldn't even pretend they are cut out for it but they insist in doing so.

It has nothing to do with sex, or money or society's views, lord knows it wasn't for religion. I just love him and he loves me. We enjoy each other's company. We share a bond. We don't complicate our bond with other outside influences.

So we got married. A committment to our bond.

Jennifer

[aelle]

We've had many threads about this in the past. My condensed answer is: automatically shared rights and responsibilities on children, being able to live in the same country, ability to take decisions for your spouse when they are in no state to do so.

[Plato]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Married people are happier than single people

Are married people happier than people in a (or many) fulfilling relationships?

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by Plato

Are married people happier than people in a (or many) fulfilling relationships?

Are you suggesting marriage isn't a fulfilling relationship?

There is some research that suggests married people are usually better off than those who cohabitate. I can't remember if I ever read anything comparing married people to serial monogamists/polygamists in specific. I'd expect their levels of happiness to be comparable to those who are happily married. A fulfilling relationship is a fulfilling relationship.

[HappyLuckyOne]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Ultimately a happy person will insist on being happy, no matter if they're married or not. That's the bottom line.

Hey Daffy, I totally agree with you! I am always a happy person ... that's doesn't mean I do not feel ... what I mean is, happy people always bounce back to happiness asap ... I guess they are always looking at the bright side and choose to be happy no matter what ...

Personally, after my divorce, I really see that there isn't a need to get married, provided my partner agrees not to have kids. Then, just live together as long as we wish. And if one day, we have to end it, it will be ended without much mess ... Another condition, both must be financially independant ... if not, X will feel angry and bitter that Y wants to leave, and Y will feel guilty to leave as X will not be able to "survive" financially ... it's very stuck ...

[willnesbitt]

Marriage was definitely a goal of mine when I was younger. It still is, but definitely not as "urgent" as it once was. Part of it is wanting to keep with traditional family values and another part is wanting that type of commitment. But, the older I get, the more I begin to question the importance of the institution of marriage for me.

For the longest time, I was told that living together or "shacking up" was wrong and that people shouldn't do it. But, no one could ever give me a reason as to why. It just seems to make sense to live together before getting married to see if it would work. Sure, you get along well while you're dating and all, but it's a different situation when you're living under the same roof and have to share everything. You have to know who you're dealing with.

My preference is to live with someone at least a year just to see if we could be on the right track. But a lot of women aren't willing to do that. I assume it's because that type of situation doesn't provide the security they are looking for (depending on which state you live in). Maybe they don't like the fact that you could leave at any time and they not get anything. I don't know. That's just a guess.

What do you think?

[Plato]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Are you suggesting marriage isn't a fulfilling relationship?

That was the implication. It's not a perception I'm greatly attached to though.

A fulfilling relationship is a fulfilling relationship.

And yet no two relationships are the same.

Overall, I think the best option is to try being married for life. Then if you decide it was a massive mistake and you want to try something else... pray for reincarnation!

[HappyLuckyOne]

Originally Posted by willnesbitt

For the longest time, I was told that living together or "shacking up" was wrong and that people shouldn't do it. But, no one could ever give me a reason as to why. It just seems to make sense to live together before getting married to see if it would work. Sure, you get along well while you're dating and all, but it's a different situation when you're living under the same roof and have to share everything. You have to know who you're dealing with.

My preference is to live with someone at least a year just to see if we could be on the right track. But a lot of women aren't willing to do that. I assume it's because that type of situation doesn't provide the security they are looking for (depending on which state you live in). Maybe they don't like the fact that you could leave at any time and they not get anything. I don't know. That's just a guess.

What do you think?

I lived with my ex-husband for more than a year before I married him. I am definitely into living with someone to see if it works. I come from a strict family. My parents will sure get a shock if they know about this on their daughter

When two persons are dating but not living together, they try to present their best sides to each other, consciously or subconsciously. But when they live under the same roof, they see everything about each other, and that's the real test !! Can you stand living with certain routine or habits that your partner does? Even for the slightest thing can be the very reason for some argument.

Some people are not into this idea to live together and try it out, maybe they care about how others view them?! Or some really just want their freedom.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by Plato

...
Overall, I think the best option is to try being married for life.
...

Great! When's the big day then? We'll come party-crashing!

In my view it's irrelevant if marriage has a point or not. Relevant is whether you make a conscious choice. Looking back, I didn't and we ended our marriage a few years ago. No regrets though, we're still friends, have great kids and I learned a lot about myself.

[Andyee]

well... marriage was earlier invented by men to mark their "territory"
Nowadays marriage is a security for our better halves.

[MidasGirl]

Marriage - What's the point?

Other than for legal rights recognition, none at all. You can commit to a person, forever even, without the need for one. Commitment is from the heart, not a piece of metal on a finger.
I just think marriage really complicates a situation when you want to get out(having been there I know). You are literally at the mercy of the other person to behave themselves. And if you're the one that wants out and they don't, what is their motivation to behave themselves?

Who is to say how I feel about someone now, even if I love them like hell, is how I will feel about them in 10 years? I certainly hope so, but as a realist, I know anything is possible. Humans--our nature is a need to cage ourselves!

That said, I may choose to cage myself one of these days -- and I want it to look like this: (I think weddings are dumb, but this one blew me away)


YouTube - JK Wedding Entrance Dance


..

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Are you suggesting marriage isn't a fulfilling relationship?

There is some research that suggests married people are usually better off than those who cohabitate. I can't remember if I ever read anything comparing married people to serial monogamists/polygamists in specific. I'd expect their levels of happiness to be comparable to those who are happily married. A fulfilling relationship is a fulfilling relationship.

Do you think the study was sponsored by the People for the Abolition of Marriage? I doubt it.

Seriously, I have a feeling the skewing is perhaps by talking to people in LTR where one wants to get married and the other doesn't.Of course they are unhappy. I just can't imagine why one would be unhappy if both partners have chosen not to get married. And what is the unit of measurement for "happiness"?

p/s used to be a joke. If you are in a restaurant, and want to know a married couple? It's the ones that aren't talking to one another. I guess they are so happy they communicate from the soul

[Orecle]

Originally Posted by Andyee

well... marriage was earlier invented by men to mark their "territory"
Nowadays marriage is a security for our better halves.

bearing mind that many earlier cultures across the world, who had never met each other - all have marriages, are you suggesting in all these cultures - asian, african, european. Men created marriages in all these cultures to mark their territory and can you provide proof?

[marinik]

I have a friend that says that marriage is a "firm"/business/partnership and a relationship is a hobby. The first you treat as a given and the second as something you love to do. I must say I agree to some extent with this definition.

It is so interesting how people are successful in being miserable in their marriages. They fight and stop caring, and take for granted...

I think both genders have issues about marriage and there are so many bad (and good) jokes about it.

I have been in 2 (still am in the second). In my first marriage I thought it would come naturally - what my parents had (at the time I thought it was a perfect marriage one in 100 million). Well ... it obviously didn't happen.

If I were to start all over again I would never marry or even live with someone. I would date till the end of our lives. Maybe stay over the weekends. Getting into the dirty "socks and dishes" is something I couldn't do any more. If I were 30 again, don't know...

I am not the kind for one relationship/marriage in life no matter what. I think people make mistakes, have only one life and the right to correct them. Most of us need a fulfilling human connection, a true partnership, a lover, a parent to kids.. it does not work one way.

Many of the participants in this thread have talked about honesty and moral in other threads. It is also a 2 way street.

So my conclusion would be that marriage is not the answer to anything. It is a piece of paper (it is my Law degree talking), so many are divorced. It is one day in your photo album, video collection... if there is no religious meaning for both then it is just a ceremony, most of the time for showing of.. specially for the mothers.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

...
YouTube - JK Wedding Entrance Dance


..

Fantastic!

And now I've seen this, I'm sold: let's keep at least getting married! YouTube - Best Wedding Entrance Ever - Carlo and Kate Melino

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

Do you think the study was sponsored by the People for the Abolition of Marriage? I doubt it.

There are many studies, not just one. I believe most researchers are actually concerned about being as objective as they can. I've noticed this working with them in my professional career as well. They really don't want the data skewed or messed with!

If you're in an unhappy relationship, getting married isn't going to fix it. But there's a lot of hate against the idea of marriage from the younger generation. Maybe some of it stems from the fear of commitment. It's the same old society influence. Whereas society used to encourage marriage, nowadays on television we encourage promiscuity, so people look at themselves and say, "Oh, I don't want marriage! It's so limiting!"

Society influences us in so many ways. Even when we think we're making a "conscious" choice, it probably still has a lot of society influence thrown in. That's the sociologist perspective, anyway.

Marriage isn't for everyone.

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

And what is the unit of measurement for "happiness"?

Self reported. The most common scale I see is 5 point.

[Andrew Brunelle]

I would say that a marriage only works maybe 25% of the time. Half end in divorce and a quarter of them are miserable, but still tolerable by the couple's standards because they don't want to risk being alone for the rest of their lives. If you are in that 25%, it will be worth it. Otherwise, I wouldn't recommend getting married unless you are sure it will end well. Otherwise, you've got some expensive lawyer bills on your hands down the road.

But I guess you can learn something from a bad marriage. It all depends what you are willing to do.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by Andrew Brunelle

...
Otherwise, I wouldn't recommend getting married unless you are sure it will end well. ...

And how exactly are we supposed to be sure it will end well?

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by Andrew Brunelle

I would say that a marriage only works maybe 25% of the time. Half end in divorce and a quarter of them are miserable, but still tolerable by the couple's standards because they don't want to risk being alone for the rest of their lives. If you are in that 25%, it will be worth it.

Actually, according to a study by the National Opinion Research Center of the University of Chicago, about 65% of people over the age of 18 reported being "Very Happily Married" in the 1998-2004 period.

Now, we need to consider that maybe these 65% of people are lying or exaggerating the truth. But hold up -- that same logic applies to EVERYONE, doesn't it? So at best, we just need to take people's word for it.

Originally Posted by spirit4711

And how exactly are we supposed to be sure it will end well?

There are no guarantees if life. How are we supposed to be sure a new business will end well?

The best answer I can think of is this: we're the creators. If you want a good marriage, you need to create one. Just like if you want a good business, or blog, or any kind of relationship.

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by HappyLuckyOne

I am definitely into living with someone to see if it works.

I would think the same. I also would live with a partner before marriage.

But it's not foolproof. There's a lot of evidence that shows those who live together before marriage are more likely to break up after marriage. It's not conclusive though, it needs a lot more study. Some things like this are hard to study to begin with, because we're not able to isolate certain variables that affect the overall outcome.