What do couples do if they do not want to have children?

[HappyLuckyOne]

Hi All,

I am very curious to find out how life would be when a couple decides not to have kids in their lifetime? The conventional way is to get married, settle down, make a few babies, raise them well, enjoy the old age with grandchildren ++++ ... I mean, if a couple decides to have babies, they are many things to do and to occupy their time ... say, if a couple conciously not wanting any babies, how will life be for them, after 10, 20, 30 +++ years?

Personally, I am divorced and have no kids. Concious choice. I think I have a lot more to do with myself to be a better person yet ... And I salute all the parents out there for all the things they do for their children.

Any idea/suggestion?

[KazeCraven]

Be a world traveler, perhaps?

Get involved with a project such as making your own music? Could be any long-term, involved project; scientific or artistic.

Or just spend more time working, like some fathers do anyway

[ssandra]

My plan is to travel a lot, be able to move whenever and wherever I want to, be able to spend more money on my hobbies (like reading), be able to spend more time with myself and my husband.

I imagen that in 10 years (i'm 27 now) that i will be making some very nice travels, have written at least 1 book (but probably more) and live somewhere else and having lived in several countries.

20 years (when 47) same as 10 years ago probably. In case I am more stable I would look into short term fostercare to give back. Not adopting; but caring for a short while for children who have difficulty at home, or who's parents are in jail etc.

30 years: 57... hopefully I will have made enough money not to have to work that much anymore unless I want to. I will have a house in the forest or near the sea (most likely in Mexico or at least Latin America) and I will spend my time reading, writing and watching the waves and birds...

40 years 67; continuation of 57 maybe at a different beach

If i would miss grandchildren at that age I would just "adopt" some. there are plenty of children or orphans who do not have grandparents and who could use them. Plenty of children to spoil

An interesting question for those who have children: what would you be doing now if you would not have children?

[HappyLuckyOne]

Originally Posted by KazeCraven

Be a world traveler, perhaps?

Get involved with a project such as making your own music? Could be any long-term, involved project; scientific or artistic.

Or just spend more time working, like some fathers do anyway

Hi KazeCraven, travelling is fun! Maybe need to ensure your partner loves it too? if not, you will be doing it alone, spending most of the time away from your partner

I love running ... I hope to run a marathon a lot more work to do to be fit for one though. For my future partner (if one appears), I hope he is into sports, and preferably, something that I have not tried before so I can have a free coach!!

Besides doing things that I love to do, being in a relationship that does not have kids, I guess I should create some things that my partner and I love to do to keep the exchange of thoughts going, no?

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by HappyLuckyOne

how life would be when a couple decides not to have kids in their lifetime?

Happy.



I'm kidding, sorta. There are actually some studies that suggest people are happier before kids are born and after the kids leave the house, but anyway... I'd imagine if I have no kids, I'll just continue pursuing my own interests and probably have more time to spend on creating something of value to the world (besides children). Ssandra made some good points.

I'm undecided about having kids or not. On one hand, I don't think I want any. On the other hand, it seems so selfish to not give some new children the best father in the universe.

[yoopersmith]

My wife and I choose not to have children around 2005. We do normal stuff that doesn't involve having children:

1) Travel
2) Work on Self Improvement --workshops, clubs like toastmasters

We both still have jobs, but I would like to be a speaker and have my wife be my manager, booker, travel agent, business partner.

I really love craft beer, in moderation of course, and my wife loves to shop.

I suppose if there was a population shortage, we might reconsider, but I don't see that happening.

We both like our lives without kids...it just took us a while to figure out that that having children is not required on earth...it's optional.

[aggie]

oh gosh...you have to ask???

anything and everything...within the bounds of morality, legality and safety that is

[Andrew Brunelle]

Having kids is not on my to-do list. It's just contributing to the problem of overpopulation. In today's crowded world, the best thing you can do is not have children. They are consumption machines and are very expensive to raise. If we had half our population stop having children, then there would be a significant descent in our population and allow for less destruction and more wildlife.

What will I do with my life? Without children, I can do pretty much whatever I want.

[Dreamline]

In my first marriage, I had not a speck of maternal desire. After divorcing, my delightful 2nd husband made me reconsider so we tried and I had four miscarriages. I don't need to be one of those rabid fertility people, have a baby or die trying, nor is my husband so we ended up not persuing it any further. Conscious choice. More on my part than hubby but we are ok with it.

What do we do? Truthfully, I think people get in trouble BECAUSE they separate themselves by the fact that they do have kids. People with kids should be just like people without kids, as far as how they live. When you have kids and sacrifice yourselves, all you teach your kids to do is 1) be selfish kids and then 2) grow up to be adults who only know how to sacrifice to their kids. Imbalance no matter how you slice or dice it.

Because of that, our only friends who have kids are people that know the balance. Live the balance. Live normal lives despite the fact that they have procreated. Kid-centric people have no place in our lives. Frankly, they are dead boring and can only relate to other kid-centric people, which luckily for them, there are billions.

So the short answer is: Anything I damn well please.

Jennifer

[RT Wolf]

Buy a cat.

[HappyLuckyOne]

Originally Posted by Dreamline

Because of that, our only friends who have kids are people that know the balance. Live the balance. Live normal lives despite the fact that they have procreated. Kid-centric people have no place in our lives. Frankly, they are dead boring and can only relate to other kid-centric people, which luckily for them, there are billions.

Hey Dreamline, everytime I go out with my kid-centric friends and I am still learning to "adjust" myself to fit in when with them !! Many things that they talk about, it's all about kids and I have no idea in those (and to be frank, I am not interested as well) ... at the end of the outing with these kid-centric friends, I usually end up being very drained and tired mentally Then, I will tell myself - "*phew*, it's over until the next outing !!" ... slowly, I meet them less thanks to technology ... I keep in touch with these friends through facebook, emails and cellphone texts instead of face to face !!!

[KazeCraven]

Originally Posted by HappyLuckyOne

Hi KazeCraven, travelling is fun! Maybe need to ensure your partner loves it too? if not, you will be doing it alone, spending most of the time away from your partner

I love running ... I hope to run a marathon a lot more work to do to be fit for one though. For my future partner (if one appears), I hope he is into sports, and preferably, something that I have not tried before so I can have a free coach!!

Besides doing things that I love to do, being in a relationship that does not have kids, I guess I should create some things that my partner and I love to do to keep the exchange of thoughts going, no?

Of course, if you are "husband shopping" still, you'll want to find someone that has some exciting interests up his sleeve. Certainly an adventurous guy. And certainly one who will help you come up with ideas

Sounds like you just need to try stuff out. My ideas of a good time (deep conversations about psychology/philosophy, writing philosophical texts and novels, conducting or being a part of an orchestra, living for a while in Japan) might not appeal to you. And my idea of 'travel' is more like taking a month or two off to see what the people in an area are like rather than sight-seeing. So you'll have to try different things on your own.

I once asked my father why he decided to have children, and his response was essentially, "Who doesn't want children?"

I'm undecided about having kids or not. On one hand, I don't think I want any. On the other hand, it seems so selfish to not give some new children the best father in the universe.

[HappyLuckyOne]

Originally Posted by KazeCraven

Sounds like you just need to try stuff out. My ideas of a good time (deep conversations about psychology/philosophy, writing philosophical texts and novels, conducting or being a part of an orchestra, living for a while in Japan) might not appeal to you. And my idea of 'travel' is more like taking a month or two off to see what the people in an area are like rather than sight-seeing. So you'll have to try different things on your own.

In fact, at the end of the day, what do 2 people have? It's meaningful conversation, so I do after this. I have in fact missed out a lot in trying stuff out when I was younger. so I am now swinging to the other extreme The essence is, we all need to know our core - what kind of person we are, what makes us feel.

[aggie]

i used to think that having children gave you more structure and necessity in your life because you had all these little growing humans to take care of...honestly, i think i used to think sometimes that parents had more purpose in life....but it in fact it is just a different purpose than those of us without. purpose that for many years, a lifetime i guess if you continue the whole family thing with marriages and inlaws and grandchildren. i have even had some people say they had children so they wouldn't be alone when they were older...they would be taken care of...they would have grandchildren to fill their lives. i had an aunt and uncle who had a not so great marriage and did not begin to find some happiness and sharing in their lives until their grandchildren came along and brought them together. i came from parents of a generation in the fifties that kids were just part of it all...and i saw how my parents struggled and tried to give us better lives. i was always trying to complete myself with a relationship, a marriage, traditional life with children and the pride of raising them to be wonderful human beings. children started to fall by the wayside as completing myself with a partner in life became increasingly difficult. in time i became less maternalistic because becoming someone i wanted to be and genuinely liked in spite of trying to partner with someone in life became more important to me. i am still not finished i have ended up taking care of many adult "children" in my life...and that has about wore me out animals have been my children for a time in my life, my elderly mother has now become, in a sense, my child. for me not having children never really brought up the question of what to do...there is a big life out there and it just happens!!!

[drakecatz]

Most of the people I know don't have children. And out of all of those, I've only had one say to me "You're lucky, you have children to take care of you when you get old." (lucky them!) And the person who said it is a lesbian.

Kids are great, but the minute you have one you take second seat. Your life, and for most part, your youth, are truly given to another.

Having "been there done that," I'd say, if you want one have one, otherwise leave it to others, there are enough people on the planet. And of course don't let those parents who soooo want to be grandparents influence you. They're not raising them.

[Acting Like Godot]

I have two kids and I love them to bits!

In an ideal world, I would have five kids, and actually my wife wouldn't mind having three, but we keep putting No. 3 off because we're busy with this and that.

Meanwhile the biological clock goes on ticking and uhhh, a few more years and the lady might have a problem.

(Us men can still do the fathering thing, way into our 70s).

Do kids restrict your lifestyle? It all depends on you and your own ingenuity. My first kid is seven years old. In the past seven years, despite all the responsibilities of being a dad, I've found the time to do many things. This year for instance I published my first book.

Finally, I think it's a bit of a wrong mentality to think of kids as an additional kind of household chore. Your children are a big part of your life! They bring laughter and joy and love. Those are the inherent rewards of being a parent. Having kids are also a reason to do lots of things that you always did want to do, but otherwise wouldn't do, like:

- go on a rollercoaster ride
- visit the zoo and ride an elephant
- buy a cool new camera and take lots of family photos
- buy exciting new toys that are secretly meant for daddies, not their kids
- watch cartoons

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by HappyLuckyOne

say, if a couple conciously not wanting any babies, how will life be for them, after 10, 20, 30 +++ years?

In the 20+ or 30+ year scenario, their lives will not necessarily be that different, from a couple whose kids have grown up, moved out and are living their own lives.

Except that they still have family dinners, Christmas get-togethers, maybe grandparenting joys .... and when they grow very old and ill, there's a good chance that their adult children will step in to provide them with at least some financial, emotional or logistical support.

My own parents ... Dad is in his 70s, Mum is in her late 60s. Dad has a dog; is learning guitar; watches lots of movies; does taichi; goes to the horse races. Mum is into flower arranging; cooking class; singing lessons. Both go on cruise holidays a few times a year. Once or twice a week, they come over to my place and play with the grand-kids. Or they go over to my brother's place to play with my niece.

[MagicalRealist]

My great-aunt and -uncle were never able to have children, and they decided not to adopt. They are in their 80s now, and have been married for more than 50 years.

When they were both still working at regular jobs, they enjoyed gardening (they used to be into orchids and exotic plants), traveling, reading, collecting antiques (furniture, china, glassware, buttons), and doing DIY home improvement projects together. For many years my great-uncle enjoyed model railroads, and my great-aunt did genealogical research.

My great-aunt quit her day job when she turned 50, and along with my grandmother opened a successful antique store (which they ran for 10 years, until they got tired of it). In her early 70s, she and my uncle decided to learn about computers and the Internet because they wanted to sell antique china and glassware on some newfangled auction site they'd heard about called eBay. They've been doing that for almost 12 years, now.

After my uncle retired, they had lots of time to go traveling in their RV. They know other RV'ers all over the country, and travel to meetups, to see family, and also go to shows related to their interests in antiques and other hobbies.

They never had kids, but they've always loved each others' company, and have always been open to learning and trying new things together. At this point, I don't think they regret not having kids--they've had a fun, fulfilling life together without them. And since they are such upbeat, optimistic people, there's plenty of younger relatives willing to help them out whenever they finally end up too infirm to keep carrying on. They aren't going to end up forgotten and alone--as too many people with kids do.

In short, they've enjoyed each other and the life they've made together. They've chosen to be happy, and to go do the things they really wanted to do. They've also chosen to be kind, generous, tolerant, open-hearted people, who are a lot of fun to be around.

I'm 42, still unmarried, no kids, six cats (yeah, laugh all you want); I'm an artist, I love to read, sew, and refinish furniture, and I'm always learning some new skill or studying a new subject. My kid sister is 33, and has been married for a couple of years, but she and my BIL seem content to have dogs and a garden, myriad DIY projects, and time to hang out with their friends. I don't know if they will ever bother with kids; they don't mention them, and I don't ask. Having grown up with a model for a happy, childless marriage in the immediate family, and seeing how much our great-aunt and -uncle have enjoyed life, neither of us feel it's imperative to have kids.

[aggie]

aren't cats wonderful company? i had six at one time as well...some people laughed at me because i took care of them as i would take care of a child....those cats were some of the best people i knew....

[ssandra]

I love my cats. My main motivation to move into a bigger house with a garden is to have more cats and to be able to let them out to play

[drakecatz]

Both my cats are now 16. My vet is in amazment of my little half siamese. She still climbs trees and runs across the roof of the house. They have always been indoor, outdoor kitty's. There is always a window open for them. At their older age, it is now a window with little kitty stairs. They don't know what a litterbox looks like.

Cats do make good kids!

[Plays With Life]

These folks took off for a bicycle trip round the world in 2002. They're still going.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

These folks took off for a bicycle trip round the world in 2002. They're still going.

Very nice. Another fun couple:

Ray Jardine's Adventure Page

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by openeyes

Very nice. Another fun couple:

Ray Jardine's Adventure Page

Awesome

[Andyee]

use condoms...