How do I move on during our separation?

[jwilkins]

Hi Everyone,

I am brand new to this forum, just wondering if anyone has any tips on how to move on during a separation? I am still hanging on to hope that my husband will come back to me and our 4 month old daughter..Should I stop hoping??

[akoma]

Yes. The best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter now is to stop "hoping" for your husbands return. It will only make you miserable and disappointed. I suggest you start living a [i]good[\i] life and try to improve on yourself in areas that you feel needs improvement.

In fact, don't contact him about anything... only if it pertains your daughter. Otherwise, seize contact with him.

[Angela]

Hey, jwilkins, welcome to the forums, and I'm sorry about the pain you're feeling right now around your separation.

If you're interested, there's a book you may find helpful called "How to Mend your Broken Heart, which is good for releasing the attachment you feel. Even if you want to hold onto hope that you can heal your marriage, it can be very helpful to let go of the attachment -- do you know what I mean by that? Like, the feeling that something is wrong if it doesn't happen, or like you won't be happy, satisfied, or fulfilled unless it does. There are some nice, helpful techniques you can do for yourself to feel better -- more powerful and self-possessed, and like you have more authentic choice about how your life goes and making sure your daughter has everything she needs, rather than feeling like you're at the mercy of what happens, or of what he does.

Best wishes to you during this tough time.

[Excellent Lodestar]

Originally Posted by jwilkins

Hi Everyone,

I am brand new to this forum, just wondering if anyone has any tips on how to move on during a separation? I am still hanging on to hope that my husband will come back to me and our 4 month old daughter..Should I stop hoping??

I don't really do the past, but thinking back, right now, about my separation, i believe that one way to go is to try and live in the moment; do what you have to do for you and your daughter right now--in this moment.don't worry, life will unfold as it does, however it does,guaranteed. regretting the past or projecting into the future is my definition of hell, and a very helpless place for the mind to be. there's no power in it.

in the end, your husband will come back or he won't, and believe it or not,that's none of your business. your thinking is your business.try to keep it with what's in front of you in this moment and act accordingly.
That's my pointer

Peace

[jwilkins]

Thank you for your responses...

Excellent Lodestar: Somethng you said hit home for me.

"i believe that one way to go is to try and live in the moment; do what you have to do for you and your daughter right now--in this moment"

I have recently been presented with a fantastic business opportunity to become part owner/general manager in a resort about an hour and a half from where we live now. I am very tempted to take the offer, but I am very nervous that if I do, I could be ruining a chance for reconciliation in the future. If I became part owner, I wouldn't just be able to move back here if he wanted to reconcile. He would have to move there?? Part of me thinks that if he really wanted us, that he would go wherever we are, and an hour and a half isn't that big of a deal. This opportunity would mean financal security for my daughter and I, but do I risk it..??I mean, he has made no promises whatsoever about reconciliation, but he also has no plans right now of filing for divorce. I have noticed little changes in him that indicate he might be missing me, but for now nothing has changed.

I really don't know what to do...What do you guys think??

[freddy]

Re-read over and over Excellent Lodestar, post the part you liked and re-posted. And move to the next square. Each step will take you closer to where you need to be. No one on here can jump into your boat and control where you need to go or what to do. As the song goes. Row row row YOUR Boat gently down the stream. Whatever choice you make. Make it for you and your daughter. Don't go down the path looking back on, what if. Each day is new, you start there. You can do this. You are strong, and everyone reading your post is sending a blessing to you, and your daughter. Peace to you.

[jwilkins]

Freddy, Could you tell me what you would do in my situation???

[freddy]

Not enough info to make that call. And any choice I make, may only be right for me as I see it. I know what your are going through is hard. I've been there done that and have the shirt.
I could dwell on my own experiance, and wonder what if I did somthing other than what I did. And at times, it might seem like the choice I made was wrong. You will always have those times. You can't look back. Real life only unfolds in front of you. Start NOW And make your choice. Blessing always.

[borisg]

Originally Posted by jwilkins

I have recently been presented with a fantastic business opportunity to become part owner/general manager in a resort about an hour and a half from where we live now. I am very tempted to take the offer, but I am very nervous that if I do, I could be ruining a chance for reconciliation in the future. If I became part owner, I wouldn't just be able to move back here if he wanted to reconcile. He would have to move there?? Part of me thinks that if he really wanted us, that he would go wherever we are, and an hour and a half isn't that big of a deal. This opportunity would mean financal security for my daughter and I, but do I risk it..??I mean, he has made no promises whatsoever about reconciliation, but he also has no plans right now of filing for divorce. I have noticed little changes in him that indicate he might be missing me, but for now nothing has changed.

I really don't know what to do...What do you guys think??

First, take heart that this very hard time is meant to happen. You are going to learn some lessons that you need to learn about your life with this sad event.

Secondly, I think the opportunity was meant to happen. I think your husband's separation from you may be an opportune gap in your life to move in this new direction.

He may come back, he may not. Either way, don't hang on hope. It will prolong your depression. Look at this moment which has filled you with fear and sadness straight in the face and look for the meaning. Remind yourself that whatever sadness you are feeling...it is nothing in comparison to the sadness if you were to lose your daughter. Put things into perspective. You have her safe and sound in your arms. And now she needs you more than ever to be in control of yourself.

Best to you.

[Mynder]

Have you ever tried looking at it from the exact other side?

Could or would you have taken this job opportunity without this separation happening? Or would you just have stayed where you were?

Maybe all this is happening explicitly to open up a doorway for you, a chance to grow. You live your life for yourself, not for anybody else. Does this opportunity excite you, despite the fear and supposed risks? What are you really risking? What are you really afraid of?

One thing I'm beginning to take home from Louise Hay's "You can heal your life" video is this: try to replace "fear" with "curiosity", and "afraid of" with "curious about".

Does it still sound "right"?

As a person who has valued security and safety above most everything else in life (slowly cracking out of that eggshell...), I suggest you err on the side of daring. Wherever that leads you, it is more likely to lead you forward.

[jwilkins]

I definitely hear what you are saying. I just can't help feeling a little bit of "I could be damned if I do, and I am damned if I don't".. I know that it is the right thing to do for my daughter and I. An opportunity like this only comes along once in a lifetime, and look when it came to me!? At the lowest possible time in my life, where I have little hope and my self esteem has decreased greatly..I keep thinking about what a role model I would make for my daughter. I am just not ready to close all doors on the marriage.. I still love my husband so much and the separation is so fresh!

[Mynder]

Originally Posted by jwilkins

I definitely hear what you are saying. I just can't help feeling a little bit of "I could be damned if I do, and I am damned if I don't"..

Fear is the mind killer. Courage is not being ignorant of fear. Courage is looking at fear and going through with something nonetheless.

Originally Posted by jwilkins

I know that it is the right thing to do for my daughter and I. An opportunity like this only comes along once in a lifetime

If you open up to them, there will be opportunities around each and every corner. But they may be harder to take and less shiny than what you are presented with now.

Originally Posted by jwilkins

, and look when it came to me!? At the lowest possible time in my life, where I have little hope and my self esteem has decreased greatly..I keep thinking about what a role model I would make for my daughter.

No! Think about it - could it have come at another time and really reached you the way it has now?

And what if you think this is the worst time in your life - when should you receive help and guidance other when you need it the most? When...if not right here, right now?

Originally Posted by jwilkins

I am just not ready to close all doors on the marriage.. I still love my husband so much and the separation is so fresh!

Then don't. But get this: you cannot decide anything for your husband, nor force him to come back (even if it worked, it would not be happy, there would always be resentment). If it is his choice to leave and stay away, you will have to deal with it. If it is his choice to get through whatever he needs to get through and then try again, then you can leave that door open for him.

Just don't "wait" on him to come back year after year while he pursues new relationships and basically has already moved on mentally. Know when to cut yourself loose from this.

And then: if you took that job...would that really change that much? Yes, you'd be an hour and a half away. And yes, he might have to move to your new place if he wants to resume your relationship. Is that such a bad thing?

Maybe you try the new job on, have some transforming life experiences, then find out you want to move back and be together with him again (given that he is of the same mind).

The only way to find out is....to do it.

One thing I have bitterly learned in my life is that every time I did not take a chance such as this, the "what if" game plagued my mind for years to come. What if I had just dared back then? I might have saved myself from having to endure five years of this and that. Don't go there. Go someplace that feels good, not someplace that feels safest. If you feel a little like before your first date, your first kiss, your first day at school, i.e. if it makes you excited and a little afraid at the same time...then that is the perfect thing to do.

Get some distance, that will allow you to get some mental distance to your relationship as well, and see it from different angles, and allow you to find out where you really want to go with it.

You are okay. You are a great, loving mother. You are absolutely lovable. You are perfect just the way you are. Today is your day, with the universe at your fingertips. Go create.

[jwilkins]

Thanks! What you are saying makes perfect sense.. It really does..
Sounds like you have been through something similar...

[Mynder]

Not quite, but there are parallels to other events in my personal past that correspond well to your situation as you describe it here.

If it was or better yet still is any help to you, then good.