Could someone read my personal essay on social anxiety?

[The David]

If this is the wrong forum for this, please tell me, but the essay is about social skills and relationships. It's my personal statement that I am putting on a college application. The school values writing skill very highly, so I want this to be good.

Basically, it is about my 18-year struggle with social retardation that I only recently made progress in. Would anyone have time to read it? Numerous warnings about plagiarism make me not want to post it here, so I'll PM it. I'm wanting opinions from good writers here (surely that's the majority of you! ), but if you respond to me and I ignore you, it's nothing personal. I'll send it to whoever seems genuinely interested, regardless of writing proficiency or lack thereof.

Edit: I just realized that I've been sending in the un-proofread version to everyone. Sorry.

[The David]

You know, since this isn't a college website, I guess I can post it here.

I've revised it quite a bit. Be brutal.

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When other teenagers were preoccupied with sports, popularity, and finding a date for the next overrated and overpriced dance, I was in my room with a pen and paper, as well as a collection of video games that rarely collected dust. My back yard, roughly an acre of pine trees and bramble, was a haven for such introspection. In my earliest years, when my imagination was fertile and not jaded by reason, this small plot of land housed a large entourage of illusory friends, not to mention enemies, that might put a schizophrenic to shame. Whether I wanted the isolation or not, I had it. I was homeschooled.

I suppose there is nothing unnatural about introversion after spending years in such an environment, but I was beyond introverted. I could scarcely hold even the most casual conversation, and never tried unless someone approached me first. In case you haven't noticed, every sentence in this paragraph begins with the letter 'I'. I was the one who had problems.

This chronic self-absorption went untreated for years. I wasn't hostile, but I had collapsed so far into myself that I couldn't respond normally to people. I was like a visitor in a statue park, content to look at the shapes and figures, but still harboring the solemn notion that I could never engage them in anything more meaningful than a fleeting glimpse. For now, I told myself, that was enough.

When I was seventeen years old, I enrolled in a public school for my last year, and graduated. During that time, I faced the same obstacles that had followed me for so long, but my mental processes were beginning to change. I began to see that other people were not so different after all, and certainly were not wishing me harm. My fears seemed not only irrational, but downright ludicrous.

However, it would take more time before I would put these thoughts into action. Despite some minor improvements, I left that school with all the baggage I had entered it with. Had I realized how easily this cycle could be broken, I would have known that the greatest risk was to not take any risks, but all of this was mere speculation until I found the courage to take the first step.

How did I do this? In retrospect, it looks so easy that I wonder why I didn't redeem all those wasted days, but fear is the shortest path to complete blindness. It was a simple realization–that nothing, no matter how frightful, could be worse than spending the rest of my life in a shell that I had grown far too large to fit in–that pushed me out my comfort zone. The start of college was the pivotal point of my progression out of social isolation. It was like I had been given another chance, but would not be given another one if I passed it up. This time, I did not pass it up, and the reward was far greater than the risk. I no longer saw statues. In truth, there never were statues. The only statue was myself.

Sometimes, I wonder what life would have been like without these obstacles. I suppose it would have been easier, having more friends than I can truly care about, being exactly like everyone else, and never being able to appreciate the most mundane of social encounters. That isn't how life turned out, though, nor is it how life should have turned out. These are the failures, the frustrations, and the struggles that give meaning to the success I have now found.
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[Lychee]

Paragraph #1
I like your first paragraph. The imagery captures the reader and varied use of words keep it interesting.

Paragraph #2
I don't like "beyond introverted." I would write something more sophisticated in place of that.
I would refrain from using pronouns in the essay.

Paragraph #3
After you mention "the chronic self-absorption went untreated for years" and thereafter it would be nice to hear more on your opinion why you believe your self-absorption was a condition to be treated. Were there any positives of being so?

Paragraph #4
You begin this paragraph a bit abruptly. It might be a good idea to use a transitive word to introduce the idea of your going to public school a bit more smoothly.
Remove the comma from the sentence "...for my last year, and graduated."
Remove the comma from the sentence "...followed me for so long, but my mental..."
Why weren't people wishing you harm? What drew you to that conclusion?

Paragraph #6
"...fear is the shorted path to complete blindness" - that sounds interesting. Did you coin the term or hear it from somewhere else?
I like how you say the statue of myself. How do you see other people now that you have broken out of your statue? It would be nice to hear what you think about people now.

It seems to me the main theme of the essay is your shift from a quiet student to a more full and appreciative being. Maybe you can touch lightly upon this idea to string your work together by inserting a sentence to finalize each paragraph.

[The David]

Refrain from using pronouns? How would I do that?

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by The David

Refrain from using pronouns? How would I do that?

You can try and work with the sentences somehow to avoid it, but if you think that including pronouns is inevitable then you can just leave it as it is. Since you are talking about yourself I guess it's kind of hard to keep it out but it can be done. Don't alter your essay too much over it.

[The David]

Originally Posted by Lychee

You can try and work with the sentences somehow to avoid it, but if you think that including pronouns is inevitable then you can just leave it as it is. Since you are talking about yourself I guess it's kind of hard to keep it out but it can be done. Don't alter your essay too much over it.

It's a personal statement, actually. Every sample essay I've read is written in first person. I don't think they want it to be too formal.

[Scorpio]

Originally Posted by The David

When other teenagers were preoccupied with sports, popularity, and finding a date for the next overrated and overpriced dance...

This sentence makes you seem somewhat bitter and negative. I'd revise it to keep the same message but soften the wording.

[The David]

Originally Posted by Scorpio

This sentence makes you seem somewhat bitter and negative. I'd revise it to keep the same message but soften the wording.

You mean just cut out 'overrated and overpriced'?

[Scorpio]

Yeah the reference to dances being overpriced and overrated mostly. Even complaining about everyone being preoccupied with sports and popularity comes across as a little harsh IMO - like you see everyone as dumb jocks and snobby girls...

You could just say something like 'In high-school I was never interested in the things most of the other students seemed to like' or something along those lines.

[ticktockclok]

I've got this gut feeling that tells me this is not a very good personal statement. Just something about it, if I figure it out, I'll tell you. Maybe its because its a bit cliche; I don't know. Your statement doesn't answer why they should let you into the college; it doesn't show your strengths.

[The David]

Originally Posted by ticktockclok

Your statement doesn't answer why they should let you into the college

I don't think that was the question. It's from the Common Application, if you're familiar with that. It's not supposed to be formal or persuasive, just a good essay.

Also, the story is about success. I figured that would be better than showcasing a talent, since my writing skills are probably going to matter most to the college.

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by The David

I don't think that was the question. It's from the Common Application, if you're familiar with that. It's not supposed to be formal or persuasive, just a good essay.

Also, the story is about success. I figured that would be better than showcasing a talent, since my writing skills are probably going to matter most to the college.

Ok, if you're comfortable with the pronouns no need to change it. Do whatever you feel is right.

However, it's a common application that tens of thousands of students are filling out too. Administrators at universities are going to read thousands of essays, the point is to write one which sticks out. I think that you have the right idea here, but it doesn't stand out that much.

[The David]

I'm not sure how much of a difference it makes, but the school isn't terribly competitive. They accept about 67% of their applicants (about 50% of transfer applicants, which I am), meaning about 1,300. I want to make it as good as I can, but it's not like I'm applying to Harvard. And my stats are above their averages, so I have a fair shot if I can say something good on the application.

Thanks everyone.