When do you stop investing in a relationship?

[mtrimpe]

Hey everybody,

After reading through a few of the latest post, I wanted to share this question with you:

How do you know when you should stop investing in a relationship?

I'm currently really struggling with this question in my relationship. Before I outline my scenario, I want to say that I belief you can make any relationship work. I believe that humans were made to love every single human far more intensely than the best of relationships and that all problems in relationships are no more than unlearned lessons on either, usually both, sides. I also believe that you can teach anyone any lesson, given that you put in enough positive energy.

Given that, I'm now 24 and a year and a half into my first relationship ever. The first half-year we were together I put an incredible amount of energy into learning the lessons I needed to learn and teaching my partner the lessons he needed to learn, and it worked; we made rapid progress towards our dreams.

Over the last year however I started investing less and less energy until now the investment is virtually non-existent and I realized that without my energy, my partner is still a far way away from being a person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with.

Now I believe I can make this relationship work, I also believe however that it will take an incredible amount of energy, I just have no clue if I should do this. I have no idea if it's stupid to invest this much energy into it. I don't know if it's bad to leave. All I do know is that I feel it is holding me back from fulfilling my deepest purpose on this planet.

On the other hand however, it feels really awful to leave your partner saying that you know it could have worked out great but that it was just too much effort.

What should I do??? Please tell me something, I have NO clue!!

[Angela]

Sounds like for you, this guy is a fixer-upper, not a partner.

When you're with a real partner, you accept him exactly as he is and exactly as he isn't.

When you keep trying to change and fix a person, you send him a constant message that he's not good enough. You may want to apologize to him for that. The guy you're with is good enough. It's YOU who needs to do some work. If you're able to be generous enough to give him the freedom to be who he is, you might be able to make the relationship work. If you're not, be honest with him, break it off and give him a chance to find himself a real partner. Then you can take a look and see what's missing within your own self that you'd want to spend a year and half trying to change a perfectly fine man. They're all perfectly fine men, so if you don't do the work, you're going to find yourself repeating this pattern and never being satisfied and fulfilled.

It will take courage to look at yourself so boldly. I wish you the best, and lots of love.

[ticktockclok]

You should really read the book "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey. Just what you need.

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

Yeah - there is no way that teaching other people is a way to have a relationship work. This is your issue to deal with.

As Angela said, the man is fine as he is, you are fine as you are. It's acceptance of him and acceptance of yourself that is important. Trying to fix someone else up is usually a projection thing, he's reminded you, of a part of you you can't accept. Look for that part of you with love, and learn something from this.

Your relationship may or may not work out. That's a different thing altogether.
Joy to you
Hazel

[mtrimpe]

@Angela: Ouch, that hurts to read. Thank you for that. You are especially right about repeating the pattern. I feel that that's exactly what would happen if just went on withouth learning the lesson that's in here for me.
@ticktockclok: What's in the 7 Habits that you think I need?
@ReallyGoodIdeas: You're right about the projection thing. There is a LOT I can't accept about myself. There is a LOT I can't accept about the world. And I think that's the real underlying cause here. To me the entire world is a fixer-upper and I don't know if that's even a bad way to see it.

I'll let you talk to the part of me that believes it's a good thing to see this entire world as a fixer-upper:

Originally Posted by The aspect of me that is causing this upset

I really hate accepting anything of which I dont believe it's truly the best way of being. We can accept everything in this world, but what is that going to change. If I accept the fact that billions of people are slaving away day after day to support the life-styles of the upper-class, what will I achieve with that? If I accept that we are chasing an ever-more expensive dream of material happiness while millions are suffering without having their most basic needs met, what am I going to accomplish with that? If I accept that almost everyone in this society is brought up severely repressesing their sexuality and identity, what do I achieve with that?
I think we should STOP accepting all that s h i t. I think we should stop being so damn complacent and just going about our lives 'accepting' all kinds of garbage we don't stand for. I want to rebel against all the evil that lives out there, just flowing through the world from person to person while hardly ever being given a hard time at all.
You know, what the hell is wrong with giving people the idea that they're not good enough yet? I've been in situation where people thought I wasn't good enough yet and I've found that that propelled me through life at far greater speeds. In looking at my relationship I even think that it's not the problem that I don't feel my partner is not good enough for me, it would even more be the fact that I put my energy into fixing it. Perhaps that's the problem even more.
I want to get other people to invest in getting their life to a higher level. I am frustrated by the degree of complacency everybody in this world has about this s h i t.

Reading this I think that the problem I see in myself is that I believe I accept too much s h i t from other people. I want to stop accepting the things I believe to be bad in other people. I want to stand up for what I believe is right and not simply let these harmful tendencies in others persist unhindered, especially when I'm working so damn hard on fixing them for myself.

Perhaps my problem is that I feel that I accept far too much s h i t from other people, from the world.

[Angela]

mtrimpe, accepting does not mean condoning. The world is as the world is, and you can accept it or you can resist it. Have you heard that saying, "what you resist persists"? The more you "can't accept" something, the more room it takes in your consciousness, and the more you'll try to fix it. The problem is, it will never be fixed -- you'll keep finding things you can't accept, and you'll find yourself living life on a hamster wheel.

When you accept something, you surrender your resistance to it. You accept that it is exactly as it is, and exactly as it isn't. You just let it be. When you've accepted that it is, at that point you're at a point of power. You can see the situation or person clearly, unclouded by your own resistance and emotional charge, and the appropriate action will call to you.

Start accepting; start at home. Look for something you "can't accept" about yourself. Then, see if you're willing to let go of resistance to it. (I often picture the quality as a physical thing, like a ball, in my abdomen, and visualize myself lifting it out and putting it down. I can usually feel "weight" lifting out of me when I do this.) If you're not willing to accept it (and again, that does not mean you condone it!), look for something else. Keep practicing letting go of resistance, and it gets easier and easier.

Like weight lifting, except exactly opposite!

I hope this is helpful. And I'm sorry about the 'ouch' -- but I think it would be much ouchier to realize this stuff when you're 20 years older and going through a divorce than when you're 24 and experiencing your first relationship.

Maybe you could plan a Valentine's Day party for yourself, where you ply yourself with love and acceptance! Mwah!

p.s. accepting also does NOT mean complacency. When you accept something, your personal power and effectiveness to transform it are through the roof! When you resist it, that means you're holding on to it tightly, strangely enough.

[mtrimpe]

Wow Angela, thank you so much for your response.

Until now I never made a distinction between 'condone' and 'accept', they were the same thing to me. Whenever I accepted something I condoned it as well and whenever I didn't condone something I didn't accept it either and I can see now how that put me into a difficult bind in many a situation in my life.

And really thanks for the ouch from the bottom of my heart. There's no need to apoligize; to me there is no greater experience than uncovering a tender spot in my soul I never noticed before but that has been radiating out pain through my life. Thank you!

And I'll seriously consider taking your advice for Valentine's Day ... it sounds like a great thing to do.

On a side note, according to the Levels of Consciousness scale I realized that I was in the process of shifting from willingness to acceptance, except until now I never understood what acceptance had to do with that step. So I guess this is it .....

[RT Wolf]

I love this thread. It really illustrates the power of a community working together to find a solution for its members. And I love that mtripe was so accepting of the advice and is using it to good effect. Plus it gives me fuzzy warm feelings seeing this.

Also, Angela, you really are an awesome poster around here. Whenever I've read your posts, I've found them to be thoughtful and full of good advice.

[Angela]

d'oh!! you made me cry, RT Wolf. Thank you for the kind words.

[Lola]

and I realized that without my energy, my partner is still a far way away from being a person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with.

Now I believe I can make this relationship work,

Sweetie - the work is not all yours to do. A relationship does not exist if only one party is participating.

but I think it would be much ouchier to realize this stuff when you're 20 years older and going through a divorce than when you're 24 and experiencing your first relationship.

Take it from my school-of-hard-knocks-voice-of-experience, Angela is absolutely right.

Have courage.

[Scott H Young]

The issue of acceptance vs resistance sounds like an article I wrote a little earlier:

Scott H Young » Accepting Reality

Your job in a relationship is not to fix the other person. You have two choices, accept them for who they are (flaws and all) or move past them to find someone else. Improving a relationship needs to come from improving yourself, not trying to *fix* the other person. When you accept the person fully that may give them the foundation of support they need to truly grow and mature or they may not.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

[mtrimpe]

RT Wolf, Angela, ReallyGoodIdeas, Lola, Scott, thank you all very much!

It was tough for me to share some thoughts that were very intimate to me and it was very tempting to withdraw after the first post but I'm so glad I didn't. It's only been a few hours and I already see my life with so much more clarity.

Sitting here, with a few tears in my eyes as well, I can only think about what to say to anyone going through the same lesson and to be honest, nothing useful comes to mind

The only thing I can think of right now is that if you ever find yourself in this situation; take a good look at the difficult truths you can escape if whatever you want fixed would be fixed and think good and hard if your lack of acceptance isn't really just a way to avoid having to face those difficult truths.

[MarvinMini]

Originally Posted by mtrimpe

my partner is still a far way away from being a person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with.

I think that says all. If you want love, and not only (habit-based) comfort, move on.

[Vivacious Woman]

I agree with Marvin Mini, If you feel not loved or neglected. Talk to the person involved and confirm everything. Then just let go and move on. You deserve to be loved by a person.

[persephonevii]

I've had this problem too. For me, it's when the person stops reciprocating towards your actions. But this is in friendships for me. I've had a few friends I haven't so much as cut off but just grown apart for me, because we ended up doing different things and seeing different people and now... it's just not what it was anymore. Plus sometimes issues like being possessive or selfish have gotten in the way too, I gave a present to one friend this year even though we were once quite close but we are no longer. I did wonder a while after I gave her the present whether I should have invested the time and money in seeking it out.

She did like it very much, but I'm just not too sure she will reciprocate those actions back anytime soon. I do think I am a bit too nice and too giving to people who no longer deserve my attention, and I rarely get anything back from my actions.