Outgrowing a relationship?

[Jeffayan]

I have been in LOVE and monogamously dating the same girl for 2 1\2 years. The relationship has always been incredible. I feel love and connection around her. The thing is, we are completely different people. When we met, she taught me how to love. I have begun to acquire more and more power and am advancing very quickly down my path of personal development. Each time I am offered the choice to stagnate or grow, I always choose growth. I am consciously creating my personal growth, while my girlfriend is like most and grows unconsciously and is usually unaware of it. We have differing spiritual beliefs, she being agnostic and me being highly spiritual and connected.

The difference in spiritual beliefs causes some tension. Whenever I mention something spiritual, she gets annoyed or disagrees. The difference in personal development causes tension too. She is too stubborn to let me help her with her problems, but she remains in the same cycle that causes her the same problems over and over.

We are also polar opposites. She is an Art major, and I am a business major. I am very driven towards development, while she likes to take life how it comes and live in the moment. I feel as though I am open to her lifestyle, but she is not as open to mine.

I really am in love with this girl, though! Aside from those issues, we get along very very well, we laugh and smile and have fun when we are together and we share a very deep intimacy. I think about her all the time (almost always positive thoughts!) and never feel bad when I'm with her unless I discuss my spirituality. Spirituality is very important to me, however and it sucks to not be able to connect with her, my best friend about this.
Personal development is also important to me. She is not open to conscious personal development. When I discuss it with her, she merely tolerates the conversation.

Recently, she has decided she needs to take a break and take a step back from the relationship. I have plans for a new business I want to start, and she feels it is too risky a venture and cannot support me if I go down this path. She also realizes this is my dream and would not want to put herself between my dreams and me.

Here is my dilemma. I love this girl more than I have ever loved anyone or anything before. Is love all you need? We are still in college and I feel she has a lot of maturing to do, while I matured quickly and consciously. I know Steve encountered a similar problem of almost outgrowing his relationship with Erin. They are both opposites, but make it work. Has anyone else had anything like this happen? Thank you for your time in reading this, and I would appreciate any feedback and would love to read any stories anyone has to share.

Jeff

[drakecatz]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by Jeffayan

Recently, she has decided she needs to take a break and take a step back from the relationship

.

This sounds like a very conscious choice on her part, and you need to ask yourself if your new business venture is the sole reason, or the last straw.
Really, you need to ask her.

Here is my dilemma. I love this girl more than I have ever loved anyone or anything before. Is love all you need?

I don't think "love is all you need." I think having things in common is the foundation for growth and happiness. "Opposites attract, but in the long run they repel." It's frustrating to be with someone who doesn't feel the same about things that you do. It can cause division.

Being with someone on the same spiritual path is very fullfilling. You might find the hole you are feeling gets greater in that area with time.

It sounds like what is important to you isn't important to her. This may be why she is pulling back. It might be becoming clear to her.

My experience is that being with someone opposite from me didn't work. The relationship was a very hard 6 years.

I think you need to talk with her about what she is really feeling. It seems like Something is not being said. My advice is to really talk and clear the air. It's always good to put an end to doubts.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Jeffayan

She is an Art major, and I am a business major. I am very driven towards development, while she likes to take life how it comes and live in the moment. I feel as though I am open to her lifestyle, but she is not as open to mine.

...

Recently, she has decided she needs to take a break and take a step back from the relationship. I have plans for a new business I want to start, and she feels it is too risky a venture and cannot support me if I go down this path. She also realizes this is my dream and would not want to put herself between my dreams and me.

These two bolded bits? They don't work together. As drakecatz pointed out, there is more here than meets the cursory glance.

Originally Posted by Jeffayan

Here is my dilemma. I love this girl more than I have ever loved anyone or anything before. Is love all you need?

Is love all you need to do what? To be what? You've framed it as a means; what's the end for which it is meant?

Is love all you need to pay the bills? Is love all you need for happiness in life? Is love all you need to make the world a better place? Is love all you need to contribute to society?

Finish the question.

Originally Posted by Jeffayan

I know Steve encountered a similar problem of almost outgrowing his relationship with Erin. They are both opposites, but make it work.

You can make this work. But that's not the question; the question is, "Do you want to make this work?"

Yes, you love her. Now what? Are you going to deny your spirituality for her? Are you going to give up your dreams for her? She said she doesn't want you to. What exactly do you expect to "make work"? What is "this"?

Is it marriage? Do you want to get married? Is it your friendship? Aren't you friends now? Can't you remain in contact? Is it sex? Is it kissing? Is it cuddling?

What is your dilemma about?

Originally Posted by Jeffayan

I feel she has a lot of maturing to do

Based on your description, I would agree. For what it's worth, I think it's a sign of her encroaching maturity that she decided to take a break from the relationship. Here's my advice:

Let her go. Don't close the door on any future possibilities, but it doesn't sound like you're the person she needs to become mature, so don't try to be that person. Things will happen. Hopefully, she'll come more fully into herself. And maybe then your dynamic will be better. Or maybe not; these things are hard to predict.

And stop expending so much effort on rationalizing and justifying. It doesn't help, and it's counterproductive to your life overall and your growth in specific. Part of the reason I was able to ask the questions above is because you're avoiding them despite being quite aware of them yourself. I think you already know what you're going to do.

So, do it.

[Jeffayan]

[QUOTE=drakecatz;381172]

.

This sounds like a very conscious choice on her part, and you need to ask yourself if your new business venture is the sole reason, or the last straw.
Really, you need to ask her.

This is a very good question I will be asking her.



I don't think "love is all you need." I think having things in common is the foundation for growth and happiness. "Opposites attract, but in the long run they repel." It's frustrating to be with someone who doesn't feel the same about things that you do. It can cause division.

I suppose I wouldn't have enough experience to know if they repel in the long run



It sounds like what is important to you isn't important to her. This may be why she is pulling back. It might be becoming clear to her.

agreed



My experience is that being with someone opposite from me didn't work. The relationship was a very hard 6 years.

This is the tough part, because it hasn't been hard ever. Its been a very easy relationship to maintain, we both put a lot of energy into it. The things we disagree on, I feel we've just been ignoring or looking past.

I think you need to talk with her about what she is really feeling. It seems like Something is not being said. My advice is to really talk and clear the air. It's always good to put an end to doubts.

Thank you so much for your time and experience drakecatz!

Jeff

[Jeffayan]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

Is love all you need to do what? To be what? You've framed it as a means; what's the end for which it is meant?

Is love all you need to pay the bills? Is love all you need for happiness in life? Is love all you need to make the world a better place? Is love all you need to contribute to society?

Finish the question.

Is love all you need to grow a fantastic relationship? This reminds me a bit of an exercise in Steve's book where I had to rate specific areas of my life. The relationship bit is tricky because the relationship is so so good, but its possible that its missing something.


You can make this work. But that's not the question; the question is, "Do you want to make this work?"

This will take more thinking to answer. Its the true question I must ask myself and the final question I must answer. Sure I want to make it work, but would it mean more growth if I didn't?

Yes, you love her. Now what? Are you going to deny your spirituality for her?

no way!

Are you going to give up your dreams for her? She said she doesn't want you to. What exactly do you expect to "make work"? What is "this"?

Is it marriage? Do you want to get married? Is it your friendship? Aren't you friends now? Can't you remain in contact? Is it sex? Is it kissing? Is it cuddling?

What is your dilemma about?

Something else that will require a lot more thinking...What is this? What is it that I want?


Based on your description, I would agree. For what it's worth, I think it's a sign of her encroaching maturity that she decided to take a break from the relationship. Here's my advice:

Let her go. Don't close the door on any future possibilities, but it doesn't sound like you're the person she needs to become mature, so don't try to be that person. (you're right about not trying to be that person, I tried, but it annoyed her if I pushed her to grow)Things will happen. Hopefully, she'll come more fully into herself. And maybe then your dynamic will be better. Or maybe not; these things are hard to predict.

And stop expending so much effort on rationalizing and justifying. It doesn't help, and it's counterproductive to your life overall and your growth in specific. Part of the reason I was able to ask the questions above is because you're avoiding them despite being quite aware of them yourself. I think you already know what you're going to do.

So, do it.

rationalizing and justifying what specifically?

Thank you SO SO much for asking these questions Michael! I really do appreciate what you've done to help me!

[Jeffayan]

WOW! After thinking about this for a while, I've come to a breakthrough. The conclusions I kept coming to were unsatisfying. I was thinking either or; do I fully consent to the breakup, do I pursue the relationship? Ending the relationship sounds stupid to me. I really do love this girl! But continuing to grow the relationship didn't seem like it would fulfill me or her. The problem lies with a convention: exclusivity. The truth is she cannot fulfill every part of me. There is a hole of spirituality she cannot fulfill. This must be filled with other relationships.

THE ANSWER IS POLYAMORY

When I first saw that Steve had converted to polyamory, I was a little shocked, but after learning about it, it made some sense to me. Now it makes complete sense. Whats wrong with developing relationships with other girls too? It feels so much more right to me.

[Mynder]

Well, the catch is that all parties involved need to be "ok" with it, otherwise you'll end up on your own faster than you can say "but...".

[Liminal Chris]

A Practical Artist and a Spiritual Businessman, who would've thunk it


Personally, I am Agnostic, so I find it hard to put myself in your shoes. I know that I could personally never date a girl who was extremely religious/spiritual. I guess my question would be: Why do you feel this need to discuss it with her? In my opinion, Spirituality is a deeply personal and internal thing. I don't see the need to express that outwardly to other people. If you could enlighten me on that, I know I would be grateful, because it is one of those things I never understood even after 16 years of religion class and a B.S. in Philosophy.

I think this is one of those fundamental building blocks where you need to be on the same page as the person or you are always going to have an issue with it.

[Jeffayan]

Originally Posted by Mynder

Well, the catch is that all parties involved need to be "ok" with it, otherwise you'll end up on your own faster than you can say "but...".

lol yes, I discussed it with her and she's going to think through it. She wasn't ready to jump to a decision on the spot. But I have personally made the mental shift to poly, I think she will probably make that shift with me.

[Jeffayan]

Originally Posted by Liminal Chris

A Practical Artist and a Spiritual Businessman, who would've thunk it


Personally, I am Agnostic, so I find it hard to put myself in your shoes. I know that I could personally never date a girl who was extremely religious/spiritual. I guess my question would be: Why do you feel this need to discuss it with her? In my opinion, Spirituality is a deeply personal and internal thing. I don't see the need to express that outwardly to other people. If you could enlighten me on that, I know I would be grateful, because it is one of those things I never understood even after 16 years of religion class and a B.S. in Philosophy.

I think this is one of those fundamental building blocks where you need to be on the same page as the person or you are always going to have an issue with it.

Sure its deeply personal! I agree that its not necessary to push my views on her, but sharing something so deep and internal with someone else who shares similar views feels great! Imagine discussing something which you're passionate about with someone who is passionate about the same thing. No matter what the topic, it feels great!

[Liveformx64]

To me, the idea of a lifetime commitment to another person seems to be quite antiquated in today's highly connected culture. Sure it can naturally happen and is just fine when it does happen. But our society places so much importance on this, which leaves many many people in an unhappy un-fulfilling relationships.

It sounds to me like you two shared a wonderful period of mutual growth, and it might now be time for your relationship to change form. I say why not just let it happen naturally and enjoy it.

From some of your statements it also seems that you believe there is a scarcity of people who you could talk and relate to. From a personal standpoint, coming out of a 7 year relationship of similar circumstances I would tell you the opposite is true. The world is full of people that share your interest and ideas. Whats more exciting is the world is full of people who have ideas that you haven't even thought of yet!

I came out of a similar situation that lasted about 7 years! In hindsight what I thought was "Love" is actually a biochemical addiction to the chemicals ones brain creates, in response to the person you have these feelings for. Most likely a evolutionary trait that kept us committed to a mate for optimum chance of survival of our offspring. But of course no longer serves us in the modern age.

My advice to you is dive into the unknown of what excites and interests you. Live without expectation, and Love without Condition.

[Liminal Chris]

but if you know she doesn't share the same interest, why continue to push that on her? If you need that social outlet, couldn't you get that release by going to Church, Synagogue, Mosque, Temple, etc?


I guess I still don't 100% understand your explanation. Sure it feels great, but at the same time is it necessary? Can you accept that she doesn't feel the way you do about it and be okay with it?

I try and think about it in a similar vein to someone who is deeply passionate about politics and is in the political arena. Do you think his/her significant other has to share that same passion?

I look at my parents. My dad is passionate about fishing, but he gets that connection with his fishing buddies and not from my mom. Likewise, my mom is passionate about inner city education, and though my dad is a teacher, she gets that from her work. However, they still love each other and make it work.

My dad isn't religious at all, but my mom is. My mom has accepted that my dad won't go to church with her. She has accepted that I won't go to church with her anymore. She's okay with that because she loves us both unconditionally and its something that she just has to get over.

If you truly, unconditionally love this person, I think you'll get over it. And if you really need that release, I think you will get it from someone/somewhere else (though I find it pretty telling that when talking about polyamory you specifically mentioned a girl - why limit yourself to one gender or person for a non-sexual release).

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Jeffayan

lol yes, I discussed it with her and she's going to think through it. She wasn't ready to jump to a decision on the spot. But I have personally made the mental shift to poly, I think she will probably make that shift with me.

Is that the best way for her to grow?

[Jeffayan]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

Is that the best way for her to grow?

This is something I will find out, but another great question from you, Michael!

[Jeffayan]

Originally Posted by Liminal Chris

but if you know she doesn't share the same interest, why continue to push that on her? If you need that social outlet, couldn't you get that release by going to Church, Synagogue, Mosque, Temple, etc?

I wouldn't say I push my spiritual side on her, we simply don't connect in this area

I guess I still don't 100% understand your explanation. Sure it feels great, but at the same time is it necessary? Can you accept that she doesn't feel the way you do about it and be okay with it?

Sure it doesn't have to be necessary, but its something I enjoy experiencing. I have accepted she doesn't feel the same, and I don't expect her to change her mind

I try and think about it in a similar vein to someone who is deeply passionate about politics and is in the political arena. Do you think his/her significant other has to share that same passion?

I would say no. We have different political ideas as well.

I look at my parents. My dad is passionate about fishing, but he gets that connection with his fishing buddies and not from my mom. Likewise, my mom is passionate about inner city education, and though my dad is a teacher, she gets that from her work. However, they still love each other and make it work.

My dad isn't religious at all, but my mom is. My mom has accepted that my dad won't go to church with her. She has accepted that I won't go to church with her anymore. She's okay with that because she loves us both unconditionally and its something that she just has to get over.

If you truly, unconditionally love this person, I think you'll get over it. And if you really need that release, I think you will get it from someone/somewhere else (though I find it pretty telling that when talking about polyamory you specifically mentioned a girl - why limit yourself to one gender or person for a non-sexual release).

I wouldn't say I would be someone to limit my experience in life!