Making friends

[TeeZee]

I live in a big city and find it challenging to make good friends. I am very outgoing and meet a lot of people, but when I follow up with them, many times these people don't return the calls/emails or do so many days later and I kind of lose interest. I actually find this behaviour kind of rude, and I get a little perturbed. Do I really have to constantly call these people to get them to commit to something? I have always been concerned about looking 'desperate'.

Thoughts/comments/advice is welcome!

[Chris htbc]

A couple of points I can think of:

-A lot of people are benignly thoughtless and unrelialble about these things. Similarly, some people are more lax and laidback about returning calls, following up on messages, etc. Try not to take it as personally if you have to keep on them a little. You may want to lower your standard that says every person you meet must be really keen after only a few days. Be more realistic about where you slot into their lives as a new guy they met the other day. Also if you're meeting these new people on the weekends, you may just not be on their radar during the following work week when they have other concerns.

-As the new guy trying to get a social life together the onus is largely on you to make it happen. They've already got their group of friends and won't die if nothing develops with you. Don't worry too much about seeming needy if you have to follow up a few times. As long as you truly aren't desperate it shouldn't hurt you. Try to think in more practical terms - that you'll work at it and do what you need to do to get a group of friends going. Make it about you and what you want, not that the world will end if a few people think you're too eager.

-What about the circumstances under which you're meeting these people? Drunkingly agreeing to 'hang out sometime' with a guy at a bar is obviously going to be less fruitful than someone you meet through friends or in a club. Finally, are you trying to hang out with people who seem like good long term friends or just anyone you have a friendly conversation with? There's no need to be too picky of course, but maybe you're casting the net too wide?...

Hope that helps!

[Caveman Joe]

Chris,
I found your website via Project Wonderful (through the Infinite Dollar Homepage, no less) earlier on today, and was on my way over to this post in order to link TeeZee up with your site.
I felt the co-incidence was too bizarre not to point out.
Your blog is excellent, and I wish you good luck in all your endeavours (particularly with Project Wonderful - stop by projectwonderfultalk.com and introduce yourself sometime).

[mattsonn]

I'd like to help you on this, but I'm not sure where to begin. You asked such a broad, general question. I'm just going to tell you what works for me, and leave it at that:

* I always do my own thing. I almost always have plans over the weekend, and I often have to turn people down. And no, you don't have to be popular to live this lifestyle. I would classify myself as below-average in popularity. But I made a couple of good friends, and that was how I got started.

* Generally, I make friends with people just by doing stuff with them. Stuff that I actually like to do.

* Also, there is one guy that I heard of through a friend who supposedly likes math. I couldn't believe that it was possible for someone to like math, so I got in contact with him. My respect for this guy was huge (and still is) and we became friends immediately. I don't hang out with him much, but if I had more time, I would. The point is, admiration is a great way to make friends with someone.

* I don't depend on other people to be my source of entertainment. If I'm at someone's place, and I start to get bored, then I won't hesitate to graciously make my exit.

[mattsonn]

I almost forgot my best tip! Novelty seeking. Make a point of trying out new things and see what happens...

[C33]

Dear Teezee,

I believe that friends are easy to find and hard to keep.

Are you in L.A?
I lived there for a long time and never got used to the "I'll call yous" that meant nothing more than: I liked you but won t bother calling you again.

My piece of advice would be to be friendly and keep you heart open for meeting people virtually anywhere.

I have met a lot of my present friends ,by accident,usually in new cities where I had to get out of my comfort zone to meet new friends. ( lived in 8 different cities).

I met 2 nice girls in a bookstore in Montreal, 2 great friends on the Net, a soul friend in a club in N.Y etc...You get the idea.

I don t know what is your situation, but I would say to hang out in places where you are most likely to meet people with the same lifestyle.If you are single, then hang out in places where single persons would go, if you are a mother, then hang out in parks or such places where mother find themselves.

You are bound to find friends. It is just a matter of time.

[andrew]

Well yeah, if you have friends, then of course you have your own thing to do on the weekends. If you don't have any, mostly you won't have stuff to do, unless it's by yourself.

This is the SINGLE biggest issue of my life. Friends. Not health, not, jobs, not drugs, etc. But my social life. Some say my priorities are backwards, but I say they're most important to me, not you. I have most everything else handled in my life, besides socialy. I grew up and moved around a lot, 7 or so times before I was 12 between CA and NY. So this has prevented me from making and lasting friends until gradeschool. And even then I rarely had any. Why? I had warts on my hands. Genetic. They weren't contagious or anything like that, but it was something. And ever since like 2nd grade people made fun of me for it, and I just wussied out. And for the next 10 years, my confidence was so low, I had 5% social life, sat alone in lunch, no sports, etc.

I got the warts removed back in like 3rd grade, but people were just so used to picking on me it continued. My parents were no help, they just told me to walk away and/or tell. That may work in the corporate real world, but not in school. So, anyways, in high school I made one friend who was popular. We were best friends, and he so to say, "showed me the way". I slowly dressed better, better haircut (which btw was one of THE most important things I could have done), etc. So I thank him for that, albeit we've had a falling out since then.

So I tell you my whole story in your thread why? I want to tell you something. After all of that, would I change it? Never. It made me who I am today, and I love who I am. So I have moved far away and started fresh. I've been here for 2 YEARS and am just starting to make friends. It takes a LONG time. I wanted to make friends the first month and do things all the time. Didn't happen, and still isn't.

You're going to find out that time = friendship. The more time you're with somebody, the closer you'll be. That should be obvious, but to me it wasn't because I was so desperate. Like they say, the hungry don't get fed. You can't rush this, it takes a long time, esp if you're new and aren't in a social environment. You'll aslo find that most people won't take any initiative to get together, and when they do, don't POUNCE on it. Just be cool about it, but DO IT. But 95% of the time, you'll have to do all the work for a LONG TIME.

My opinion is, it should be 50/50. You call up sometimes, and they call you up sometimes to do something. I expect that right away, but that doesn't appear to be the case. If you want t do something, you're going to have to be 100/0 for a while in the begining. It sucks, I know, esp because it feels like they don't want to do anythng with you. But you have to remember they already have their friends and are doing things with them, and may already have way too many friends to even keep track of you.

One last thing to remember is to not take any of it personally. People aren't going to call back, they're going to flake, and they may not even like you! It's not you, it's them. And hell, even if it is you, it's going to happen. The best thing is to not get worked up over it, and realize you don't make friends over night.

Now I know you're like "that's well and good and all, but that doesn't help making them!". Okay, well one of the biggest things is counter intuitive, and it's to not go out 'friend hunting'. Don't force it, it happens over time naturaly. Even if that means a month or a few minutes. Some people you get in a conversation and you just hit it off, others you need to progress more slowly, such as in a class room.

But the biggest ways to make friends is to MEET PEOPLE! Go out and join a club, take a class, take up a sport, etc. But when you make friends at these places, some of them will only be friends for those events. It may be akward to goto a club with a guy you met at a baseball game. So you can have event-specific friends as well. Don't try and do everything with everybody.

I hope this (essay) helped you out. I'm not the social guru yet, but I'm learning from the ground up as an adult, and some of my opinions may change the better I get. Some people are even reading this like "you have to WORK to make friends? Come on, they're just people, they should just happen." Those are the lucky people.

[TeeZee]

Great posts everyone.

Chris- Good point about being a little more realistic about other peoples interests, time, etc. I really like your website, good job!

Matt- yes I guess waiting for others to magically appear to entertain one is not smart!

Joe-I don't live in L.A. People here don't even bother saying they'll call, so I don't know which is worse!

Andrew- I am the same way with having social life as the #1 issue. It's one of those things that only people who live with can really understand. I recently realized that one of my biggest mistakes was always comparing my social life to that of my best friend who easily makes plenty of great connections.

I guess I just have to be patient and keep plugging away, as they say.

Am I the only one who has noticed the irony that arguably the most important part of life (the social realm) is the hardest one to learn about? Where do you go? There should be a school or something.....!