Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums

Annemarie · 07-09-2009, 11:40 AM

I’m not doing research; I’m not writing an essay. I’m just gathering opinions, simply to broaden my horizon on this matter.

Now, there are a certain number of basic questions I’d like answered, either by “yes”, “no”, “no comment” or a detailed answer (that would be most welcomed). Other than that, feel free to add anything you want.

1. What is your definition of cheating?
2. Are there grades to cheating or all forms of cheating are equal?
3. Have you ever cheated?
4. Have you ever been cheated?
5. Which of the above is easier to forgive?
6. Which of the above would break the relationship?
7. Which gender is most likely to cheat?
8. What would be a reason for cheating?
9. What would be YOUR reason for cheating?
10. What would be a reason not to cheat?
11. What would be YOUR reason not to cheat?
12. Would love make any difference?
13. Would marriage make any difference?
14. Would children make any difference?
15. Would gender make any difference *in how you see cheating*?
16. After cheating, is it better to tell the blunt truth or skilfully hide it?
17. Forgive or forget when it comes to cheating?
18. Pay back or pay it forward when it comes to cheating?
19. Name a situation in which cheating would not upset you.
20. Name a situation in which you would expect cheating to happen.
21. Does cheating create a precedent?
22. Is it possible to never cheat?

AGBourne · 07-09-2009, 12:30 PM

1. What is your definition of cheating?
Not telling the other person. Lying to yourself and to another.

2. Are there grades to cheating or all forms of cheating are equal?
There are different levels, its not black and white.

3. Have you ever cheated?
I once said I wasn't going to eat something that day and then I did.

4. Have you ever been cheated?
Yes

5. Which of the above is easier to forgive?
Both, once you realize that life goes on and stop trying to control everything.

6. Which of the above would break the relationship?
Both

7. Which gender is most likely to cheat?
Cheaing is not gender specific, its universal.

8. What would be a reason for cheating?
Boredom

9. What would be YOUR reason for cheating?
I wouldn't look for an excuse.

10. What would be a reason not to cheat?
Self-respect

11. What would be YOUR reason not to cheat?
Self-respect

12. Would love make any difference?
Opposite of love is indifference.

13. Would marriage make any difference?
Outside/exterior circumstances are excuses. It all begins inside.

14. Would children make any difference?
Outside/exterior circumstances are excuses. It all begins inside.

15. Would gender make any difference *in how you see cheating*?
No

16. After cheating, is it better to tell the blunt truth or skilfully hide it?
Truth

17. Forgive or forget when it comes to cheating?
Forgive, say goodbye and move on

18. Pay back or pay it forward when it comes to cheating?
Move on

19. Name a situation in which cheating would not upset you.
It doesn't upset me, it is what it is. What will be will be. Stop trying to control and just let go.

20. Name a situation in which you would expect cheating to happen.
Another excuse. If you are going to do it, just do it.

21. Does cheating create a precedent?
No

22. Is it possible to never cheat?
Depends on the definition of cheating

Anthony Parkes · 07-09-2009, 05:07 PM

Hello Annemarie!
I've been asking myself the same questions lately as you have

1. What is your definition of cheating?
Whenever your partner gets physically or emotionally involved with someone else without talking to you about it - or asking for your consent (in the case of an open relationship)

2. Are there grades to cheating or all forms of cheating are equal?
Yes there are, but cheating in essence implies very serious problems in the relationship.

3. Have you ever cheated?
No

4. Have you ever been cheated?
Not that I know of...

5. Which of the above is easier to forgive?
None

6. Which of the above would break the relationship?
Both

7. Which gender is most likely to cheat?
Both

8. What would be a reason for cheating?
None

9. What would be YOUR reason for cheating?
Have fun

10. What would be a reason not to cheat?
Not wanting to...

11. What would be YOUR reason not to cheat?
I love my partner - I don't WANT to cheat

12. Would love make any difference?
No

13. Would marriage make any difference?
No

14. Would children make any difference?
Possibly

15. Would gender make any difference *in how you see cheating*?
Yes

16. After cheating, is it better to tell the blunt truth or skilfully hide it?
Tell the truth

17. Forgive or forget when it comes to cheating?
Say goodbye and move on

18. Pay back or pay it forward when it comes to cheating?
Move on

19. Name a situation in which cheating would not upset you.
None

20. Name a situation in which you would expect cheating to happen.
Long distance relationship

21. Does cheating create a precedent?
Definitely

22. Is it possible to never cheat?
If you genuinely love your partner, I believe so.

Dreamline · 07-10-2009, 12:02 AM

1. What is your definition of cheating?

Anything that you wouldn't do in a flirtatious, contact, or sexual way if your SO was present.

2. Are there grades to cheating or all forms of cheating are equal?

There are grades. Cybersex is low on the scale. Intercourse/oral is high.

3. Have you ever cheated? Yes

4. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes

5. Which of the above is easier to forgive? Unsure what this means.

6. Which of the above would break the relationship? Not sure what this means.

7. Which gender is most likely to cheat? Equal between the sexes. Statistics bear this out, officially.

8. What would be a reason for cheating? Boredom with that person. Seeing yourself growing hopelessly apart from them. Feeling dead inside and not wanting to hurt the other person by leaving them.

9. What would be YOUR reason for cheating? Above.

10. What would be a reason not to cheat? You are mature enough to see this is a lame activity, karma killing and so beneath your level of class.

11. What would be YOUR reason not to cheat? Same

12. Would love make any difference? Yes.

13. Would marriage make any difference? My current one, yes.

14. Would children make any difference? No idea.

15. Would gender make any difference *in how you see cheating*? No

16. After cheating, is it better to tell the blunt truth or skilfully hide it? Hide it. Your stupidity shouldn't have to affect everyone in your sphere of influence. Just learn from it. Move on.

17. Forgive or forget when it comes to cheating? Both or you are better off apart.

18. Pay back or pay it forward when it comes to cheating? Now? Forward. Then? Back.

19. Name a situation in which cheating would not upset you. If I could have some fun too.

20. Name a situation in which you would expect cheating to happen. No such situation exists. Cheating is not situational, it's egotistical.

21. Does cheating create a precedent? Sometimes, I would imagine.

22. Is it possible to never cheat? Yes.

Jennifer

alexbogatiryov · 07-10-2009, 02:09 AM

1. What is your definition of cheating?

Anything that shows affection for a member of the opposite sex/

2. Are there grades to cheating or all forms of cheating are equal?

There are grades. Looking at someone is low on the scale. Intercourse/oral is high.

3. Have you ever cheated? Yes

4. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes

5. Which of the above is easier to forgive? Your own cheating is easier to forgive

6. Which of the above would break the relationship? Being cheated on

7. Which gender is most likely to cheat? Equal between the sexes.

8. What would be a reason for cheating? Just liking someone else

9. What would be YOUR reason for cheating? Being attracted to someone hotter than my gf

10. What would be a reason not to cheat? If my gf was trying her best to make me happy

11. What would be YOUR reason not to cheat? Same

12. Would love make any difference? Yes.

13. Would marriage make any difference? No

14. Would children make any difference? No

15. Would gender make any difference *in how you see cheating*? No

16. After cheating, is it better to tell the blunt truth or skilfully hide it? Hide it.

17. Forgive or forget when it comes to cheating? Forgive but never Forget

18. Pay back or pay it forward when it comes to cheating? Pay Back

19. Name a situation in which cheating would not upset you. If we agreed to both cheat on each other ahead of time

20. Name a situation in which you would expect cheating to happen. No such situation exists. Cheating is not situational, it's egotistical.

21. Does cheating create a precedent? Sometimes, I would imagine.

22. Is it possible to never cheat? Yes - willpower

Annemarie · 07-10-2009, 10:55 AM

Just quickly dropping in to say that it's very interesting to read your answers. Thanks for posting.

Oh, hello Anthony!

marinik · 07-10-2009, 04:46 PM

1. What is your definition of cheating?
Secretly having a relationship emotional/sexual with another person.

2. Are there grades to cheating or all forms of cheating are equal?
There are but for the one who has been cheated there is none as far as I can tell.

3. Have you ever cheated?
Yes.

4. Have you ever been cheated?
Yes.

5. Which of the above is easier to forgive?
? don't understand this question? It is always easier to forgive yourself.

6. Which of the above would break the relationship?
Both depending on the situation.

7. Which gender is most likely to cheat?
Equally- there are always 2 people involved!!!!?

8. What would be a reason for cheating?
Being taken for granted in the current "legal/primary" relationship.

9. What would be YOUR reason for cheating?
Attraction, excitement, passion, love... something new...

10. What would be a reason not to cheat?
Having all of the above in the relationship I am in.

11. What would be YOUR reason not to cheat?
The same as 11.

12. Would love make any difference?
Of course!

13. Would marriage make any difference?
No

14. Would children make any difference?
No

15. Would gender make any difference *in how you see cheating*?
Well men sometimes just need bodies and women tend to need emotions.. (not all but most)

16. After cheating, is it better to tell the blunt truth or skilfully hide it?
No, there is no reason to hurt all the people around both of you.

17. Forgive or forget when it comes to cheating?
I forgave and mostly forgot. I don't go there even when we fight. Only if he does something totally unacceptable, or is being unreasonable towards me, I remind him. I just say her name.

18. Pay back or pay it forward when it comes to cheating?
None... it is not a game of that sort for me.

19. Name a situation in which cheating would not upset you.
When I have no more romantic feelings for my partner I wish him to love and be loved.

20. Name a situation in which you would expect cheating to happen.
Too many to name. But if I were to be unhappy in my current relationship and met someone who would give me all that I need...

21. Does cheating create a precedent?
If you mean if you have cheated once it is easier the next time - yes I suppose, specially if you have never been found out.

22. Is it possible to never cheat?
I think it is. There are non-cheating types. But most of the human race is not monogamous. And we crave love and affection. Want to be special for someone...

spirit4711 · 07-10-2009, 05:31 PM

Do a search on the word cheating on this board. Not so long we discussed about 5 pages or so on the topic.

My personal POV: I love cheating and being cheated. Adds spice to my life

.

marinik · 07-10-2009, 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Do a search on the word cheating on this board. Not so long we discussed about 5 pages or so on the topic.

My personal POV: I love cheating and being cheated. Adds spice to my life

.

That thread was something totally different. But i like your attitude!

spirit4711 · 07-10-2009, 06:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marinik

That thread was something totally different. But i like your attitude!

Ah! Another cheater?

marinik · 07-10-2009, 06:32 PM

What can you do, we tend to flock together!

spirit4711 · 07-10-2009, 06:34 PM

True, but I like converting non cheaters too!

Daffy Duck · 07-11-2009, 03:07 PM

Wow spirit and marinik, it's not often I see people rejoice in dishonesty, let alone encourage it.

1. What is your definition of cheating?
There are varying degrees of what could be considered cheating. But basically, if you get romantically involved with someone other than your committed partner, and you hide this information from your partner, then you're cheating.

2. Are there grades to cheating or all forms of cheating are equal?
Yes, there are grades. Some people consider one thing cheating and someone else may have a different idea. I don't think kissing is the same thing as having sex with someone, though both can be considered cheating.

3. Have you ever cheated?
No.

The only thing remotely close to cheating I've done is some occasional flirting, which I've been completely honest about and is generally regarded as no big deal at all by partners. Even flirting I'm tending to avoid nowadays. The last girl I flirted with became heavily attracted to me and seemed upset that I wouldn't do anything physical with her.

4. Have you ever been cheated?
Yes.

5. Which of the above is easier to forgive?
Hmmm. I'd probably find it easier to forgive someone else than forgive myself for cheating. I expect other people will sometimes make stupid mistakes. But I don't expect myself to.

6. Which of the above would break the relationship?
Both.

7. Which gender is most likely to cheat?
I think it's reported that guys cheat more often, but both genders are equally capable.

8. What would be a reason for cheating?
Feeling neglected.

9. What would be YOUR reason for cheating?
There wouldn't be one.

10. What would be a reason not to cheat?
If you want to be an honest and authentic person.

11. What would be YOUR reason not to cheat?
Daffy Duck is not a douchebag.

12. Would love make any difference?
Not sure about this question. Is it okay to cheat because you "love" the person you're going to cheat with? Not in my book.

13. Would marriage make any difference?
Yes. Anyone who goes through a divorce can agree to that.

14. Would children make any difference?
Yes.

15. Would gender make any difference *in how you see cheating*?
No.

16. After cheating, is it better to tell the blunt truth or skilfully hide it?
If you want an honest relationship, you need to tell the truth. If you want to encourage dishonesty in the world, then sure, be a liar and hide it.

17. Forgive or forget when it comes to cheating?
Depends. I'd probably forgive the person and forget to include them in my life any further.

18. Pay back or pay it forward when it comes to cheating?
Ummm... neither? What does paying it forward mean?

19. Name a situation in which cheating would not upset you.
I guess if I were about to break it off with my partner, it wouldn't matter as much. It's still a crappy thing to do.

20. Name a situation in which you would expect cheating to happen.
Anything involving alcohol or drugs can increase the odds.

21. Does cheating create a precedent?
I don't understand this question.

22. Is it possible to never cheat?
Of course.

That was a fun questionnaire. Thanks!

Kean · 07-11-2009, 03:45 PM

1. What is your definition of cheating?
- Engaging in any behavior in which you obtain personal gain without sharing the decision with someone who would expect you to/your partner.
(e.g. if your partner agrees that you can have sex with another guy, it would not be cheating)
- Engaging in any behavior in which you obtain personal gain and being dishonest about it or withholding any information about it.
(e.g. you like another guy very much but don't tell about it to your partner OR e.g. you seduce a guy without telling him that you already have a partner)

2. Are there grades to cheating or all forms of cheating are equal?
All forms are equal.

3. Have you ever cheated?
No.

4. Have you ever been cheated?
Yes.

5. Which of the above is easier to forgive?
Both.

6. Which of the above would break the relationship?
None.

7. Which gender is most likely to cheat?
The gender with most options: female.

8. What would be a reason for cheating?
Deriving greater pleasure than available in present relationship.

9. What would be YOUR reason for cheating?
I wouldn't cheat.

10. What would be a reason not to cheat?
- Staying true to principle of honesty.
- Fostering more communication with present partner, possibility to increase pleasure in the present relationship.
- Provide an example to rest of society, friends, etc.

11. What would be YOUR reason not to cheat?
- I would choose a girlfriend or I would foster a relationship that would provide me with enough pleasure so that I wouldn't need to cheat.

12. Would love make any difference?
- I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone I don't love.
- I wouldn't need to cheat if I love someone.

13. Would marriage make any difference?
- I wouldn't marry anyone I would need to cheat on.

14. Would children make any difference?
- I wouldn't make children with anyone whom I would cheat on.

15. Would gender make any difference *in how you see cheating*?
- No (not sure whether I understood this properly. If you are asking whether I would be less worried if I saw a guy cheating a girl, rather than a girl cheating a guy, the answer is "no!")

16. After cheating, is it better to tell the blunt truth or skilfully hide it?
Blunt truth.

17. Forgive or forget when it comes to cheating?
Forgive AND forget!

18. Pay back or pay it forward when it comes to cheating?
None.

19. Name a situation in which cheating would not upset you.
When my prime minister (Italy) cheated on her wife

20. Name a situation in which you would expect cheating to happen.
When one of the partners is less morally educated and has less willpower.

21. Does cheating create a precedent?
Only if you want to (self-fulfilling prophecy)

22. Is it possible to never cheat?
So far, I have never cheated, so I guess it is possible.

marinik · 07-11-2009, 04:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Wow spirit and marinik, it's not often I see people rejoice in dishonesty, let alone encourage it.

That was a fun questionnaire. Thanks!

I am not rejoicing in it or encouraging it. It is a fact of life. There wouldn't be so much of it if it weren't. Turning the blind eye is stupid. Moralizing before you have all the variables is as bad also. I was just honest in answering the questions.

Joking with Spirit and nothing else.

Daffy Duck · 07-11-2009, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marinik

I am not rejoicing in it or encouraging it.

Earlier you quoted Spirit who said "I love cheating and being cheated." You said you liked the attitude. Sounds to me like a little bit of rejoicing. But if you now say it was joking, so be it.

My note about encouraging was more directed at Spirit's comment of "converting non-cheaters." Of course, that could be a joke too.

Either way, I'm just saying I don't see that often. Just to be clear, I'm not saying anything about either of you personally.

Quote:

Turning the blind eye is stupid.

It's an inaccurate view of reality, I agree. I don't think anyone was doing that here.

marinik · 07-11-2009, 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Earlier you quoted Spirit who said "I love cheating and being cheated." You said you liked the attitude.

Yes I like when someone is so honest, so blunt. I do not like the double standards people hide behind. I can but you can't cheat....

Spirit and I have met on these forums so this would not be the first time we comment each others posts in this fashion.

And for the record. Life is sometimes so complicated that even cheating is more honest than leaving your lifelong partner. I know it does not make sense but try and imagine that it could be like that when the dice roll in unexpected ways.

Angela · 07-11-2009, 08:03 PM

Daffy, I think the attitude marinik likes (marinik, if I may be so bold?) is spirit's attitude that regarding cheating, there is no problem here. There's a certain lighthearted glee that comes with being free of a *problem* that other people are chewing on. It's not glee that others do have the problem; it's the glee that comes from conscious freedom from having the problem. And of course, it's not so funny to the people who have the problem.

(Just to be clear, the problem is not "cheating", the problem is "there is cheating, and there shouldn't be.")

Does that sound about right, marinik or spirit?

Daffy Duck · 07-11-2009, 08:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marinik

Yes I like when someone is so honest, so blunt.

I see. That's more specific than before.

Quote:

Life is sometimes so complicated that even cheating is more honest than leaving your lifelong partner.

I can imagine such a hypothetical case. For example, if you are forced to marry someone (arranged marriages) but love another person.

In America with our freedoms, I can't really imagine a situation where being dishonest is better than being honest with your partner. Any ideas?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angela

Daffy, I think the attitude marinik likes (marinik, if I may be so bold?) is spirit's attitude that regarding cheating, there is no problem here.

I would not agree with someone who thinks "there is no problem with cheating" just like I would not agree with someone who thinks "there's no problem with torturing puppies for fun."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angela

There's a certain lighthearted glee that comes with being free of a *problem* that other people are chewing on.

Sure. Personally, I'm very happy I'm not starving to death, but I don't go around saying, "there's no problem with world hunger."

marinik · 07-11-2009, 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angela

Daffy, I think the attitude marinik likes (marinik, if I may be so bold?) is spirit's attitude that regarding cheating, there is no problem here. There's a certain lighthearted glee that comes with being free of a *problem* that other people are chewing on. It's not glee that others do have the problem; it's the glee that comes from conscious freedom from having the problem. And of course, it's not so funny to the people who have the problem.

(Just to be clear, the problem is not "cheating", the problem is "there is cheating, and there shouldn't be.")

Does that sound about right, marinik or spirit?

You are absolutely right!

Angela · 07-11-2009, 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

I would not agree with someone who thinks "there is no problem with cheating" just like I would not agree with someone who thinks "there's no problem with torturing puppies for fun."

I understand that. That's what I mean by having a problem -- it's a problem for you that people cheat, because they shouldn't, just like they shouldn't torture puppies for fun.

Don't be thinking I'm saying you're wrong. I'm just saying it doesn't appear to be a problem for them. (It has been a problem for me, and it has been a not-problem for me; I can understand both perspectives. Answering the OP's questionnaire doesn't make a whole lotta sense when you're operating with a not-problem perspective.)

Who knows what the likes of those two are thinking about puppies.

Angela · 07-11-2009, 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marinik

You are absolutely right!

Phew! I felt like I was going out on a limb there.

marinik · 07-11-2009, 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

I see. That's more specific than before.

I can imagine such a hypothetical case. For example, if you are forced to marry someone (arranged marriages) but love another person.

In America with our freedoms, I can't really imagine a situation where being dishonest is better than being honest with your partner. Any ideas?

I would not agree with someone who thinks "there is no problem with cheating" just like I would not agree with someone who thinks "there's no problem with torturing puppies for fun."

Well even in the "free" West there are situations that are too complex, where honesty about cheating would not do any good to anyone - the partners, the kids.... you have illness, various disabilities... responsibilities...when you are young and haven't lived through a lot of hardship it seems so easy to be always honest and out there. But it is not.

There are people who meet under circumstances that are so totally against them that it is almost impossible for them to be together but the love is so strong and deep that even if they meet once/twice a year they need this to stay alive and sane.

Daffy Duck · 07-11-2009, 08:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angela

That's what I mean by having a problem -- it's a problem for you that people cheat, because they shouldn't, just like they shouldn't torture puppies for fun.

Out of my desire to create and live in a world where people are honest and loving with each other, then yeah, it is a "problem" when people cheat or torture puppies. Those two activities don't belong in my ideal picture of the world.

I couldn't be happier to have this "problem."

Quote:

There are people who meet under circumstances that are so totally against them that it is almost impossible for them to be together but the love is so strong and deep that even if they meet once/twice a year they need this to stay alive and sane.

I can completely understand how you believe this, and I know you can completely understand why I think that's BS and just an excuse people use to cheat.

To me, the idea of "I need to cheat once/twice a year to stay alive and sane" is a very limiting belief that I do not believe in.

marinik · 07-11-2009, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Out of my desire to create and live in a world where people are honest and loving with each other, then yeah, it is a "problem" when people cheat or torture puppies. Those two activities don't belong in my ideal picture of the world.

I couldn't be happier to have this "problem."

I can completely understand how you believe this, and I know you can completely understand why I think that's BS and just an excuse people use to cheat.

The idea of "I need to cheat once/twice a year to stay alive and sane" is a very limiting belief that I do not believe in.

If you like to believe this it is OK. I don't. I have only this life and no spare ones this turn around. I am a double cancer survivor, maybe I see life a bit different. I don't have time to hurt people or can I change them. I can only live as best as I can. Something that is cheating for you is breathing for me.

Daffy Duck · 07-11-2009, 08:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marinik

Something that is cheating for you is breathing for me.

I wonder if it takes his breath away every time you remind your partner of his cheating...

Quote:

Originally Posted by marinik

Only if he does something totally unacceptable, or is being unreasonable towards me, I remind him. I just say her name.

Do you wish you didn't know about his cheating?

And I agree, we can only do the best we can do.

marinik · 07-11-2009, 09:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

I wonder if it takes his breath away every time you remind your partner of his cheating...

Daffy it was supposed to be a reminder that people shouldn't use past sins of the other to hit beneath the belt. Never intended to get into this kind of discussion. This is just not what I expected from you. Does this mean we cant be honest because someone will judge us? Does this mean that we only stick to the topics that have no moral weight? What cord did I hit in you? What part of you can't except that all is not black/white?

Daffy Duck · 07-11-2009, 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marinik

Daffy it was supposed to be a reminder that people shouldn't use past sins of the other to hit beneath the belt.

Hmm, I saw no indication. It seemed you were just telling us what you do. I agree with your reminder.

Quote:

Never intended to get into this kind of discussion.

We can stop. It's not my intention for you to be annoyed or upset.

Quote:

This is just not what I expected from you.

There's no problem with that.

Quote:

Does this mean we cant be honest because someone will judge us?

Who has judged you?

Daffy never said you were wrong, bad, stupid, or anything like that. I have disagreed with the idea of cheating, not with you personally.

Quote:

Does this mean that we only stick to the topics that have no moral weight?

That doesn't leave us much to talk about.

Quote:

What cord did I hit in you?

If I disagree, does it mean a chord was hit? This is a discussion forum. We're discussing.

Quote:

What part of you can't except that all is not black/white?

I never said all is not black/white.

I just don't agree that cheating is a thing that works well when creating a happy and honest life. Cheating doesn't fit into the definition. In my observation, people don't cheat when they're BEING happy or honest. People cheat when something is "going wrong."

marinik · 07-11-2009, 09:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

I just don't agree that cheating is a thing that works well when creating a happy and honest life. Cheating doesn't fit into the definition. In my observation, people don't cheat when they're BEING happy or honest. People cheat when something is "going wrong."

Where did I say I had a happy life? I said I was taken for granted! And I have been for a long time. So what part did you find a contradiction? Most women would kill for my life and they could take it when ever they like! It seems so perfect! I have it all...that is BS!

Daffy Duck · 07-11-2009, 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marinik

Where did I say I had a happy life?

I wasn't saying you did. I'm speaking in general terms that can apply to anyone who wants to have a happy life. Let me break it down:

1. I want people to be happy. And honest.
2. Cheating doesn't seem to create any real happiness. Certainly not any honesty, by definition.
3. Therefore, I discourage cheating.

So when a topic comes up about cheating, no one needs to be surprised to see me voice an opinion against it.

You seem like a good person to me, Marinik. I haven't been insulting you on the forum or in my mind, I hope this is clear. I'm only pointing out what doesn't seem to work.

07-09-2009, 11:40 AM	#1 (permalink)
Annemarie Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 24	Cheating - A Questionnaire I’m not doing research; I’m not writing an essay. I’m just gathering opinions, simply to broaden my horizon on this matter. Now, there are a certain number of basic questions I’d like answered, either by “yes”, “no”, “no comment” or a detailed answer (that would be most welcomed). Other than that, feel free to add anything you want. 1. What is your definition of cheating? 2. Are there grades to cheating or all forms of cheating are equal? 3. Have you ever cheated? 4. Have you ever been cheated? 5. Which of the above is easier to forgive? 6. Which of the above would break the relationship? 7. Which gender is most likely to cheat? 8. What would be a reason for cheating? 9. What would be YOUR reason for cheating? 10. What would be a reason not to cheat? 11. What would be YOUR reason not to cheat? 12. Would love make any difference? 13. Would marriage make any difference? 14. Would children make any difference? 15. Would gender make any difference in how you see cheating? 16. After cheating, is it better to tell the blunt truth or skilfully hide it? 17. Forgive or forget when it comes to cheating? 18. Pay back or pay it forward when it comes to cheating? 19. Name a situation in which cheating would not upset you. 20. Name a situation in which you would expect cheating to happen. 21. Does cheating create a precedent? 22. Is it possible to never cheat?

07-10-2009, 02:09 AM	#5 (permalink)
alexbogatiryov Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 1	My Questionaire Answers 1. What is your definition of cheating? Anything that shows affection for a member of the opposite sex/ 2. Are there grades to cheating or all forms of cheating are equal? There are grades. Looking at someone is low on the scale. Intercourse/oral is high. 3. Have you ever cheated? Yes 4. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes 5. Which of the above is easier to forgive? Your own cheating is easier to forgive 6. Which of the above would break the relationship? Being cheated on 7. Which gender is most likely to cheat? Equal between the sexes. 8. What would be a reason for cheating? Just liking someone else 9. What would be YOUR reason for cheating? Being attracted to someone hotter than my gf 10. What would be a reason not to cheat? If my gf was trying her best to make me happy 11. What would be YOUR reason not to cheat? Same 12. Would love make any difference? Yes. 13. Would marriage make any difference? No 14. Would children make any difference? No 15. Would gender make any difference in how you see cheating? No 16. After cheating, is it better to tell the blunt truth or skilfully hide it? Hide it. 17. Forgive or forget when it comes to cheating? Forgive but never Forget 18. Pay back or pay it forward when it comes to cheating? Pay Back 19. Name a situation in which cheating would not upset you. If we agreed to both cheat on each other ahead of time 20. Name a situation in which you would expect cheating to happen. No such situation exists. Cheating is not situational, it's egotistical. 21. Does cheating create a precedent? Sometimes, I would imagine. 22. Is it possible to never cheat? Yes - willpower

07-10-2009, 04:46 PM	#7 (permalink)
marinik Legendary Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Where Living and Loving and Laughing are written into the Constitution Posts: 14,240	1. What is your definition of cheating? Secretly having a relationship emotional/sexual with another person. 2. Are there grades to cheating or all forms of cheating are equal? There are but for the one who has been cheated there is none as far as I can tell. 3. Have you ever cheated? Yes. 4. Have you ever been cheated? Yes. 5. Which of the above is easier to forgive? ? don't understand this question? It is always easier to forgive yourself. 6. Which of the above would break the relationship? Both depending on the situation. 7. Which gender is most likely to cheat? Equally- there are always 2 people involved!!!!? 8. What would be a reason for cheating? Being taken for granted in the current "legal/primary" relationship. 9. What would be YOUR reason for cheating? Attraction, excitement, passion, love... something new... 10. What would be a reason not to cheat? Having all of the above in the relationship I am in. 11. What would be YOUR reason not to cheat? The same as 11. 12. Would love make any difference? Of course! 13. Would marriage make any difference? No 14. Would children make any difference? No 15. Would gender make any difference in how you see cheating? Well men sometimes just need bodies and women tend to need emotions.. (not all but most) 16. After cheating, is it better to tell the blunt truth or skilfully hide it? No, there is no reason to hurt all the people around both of you. 17. Forgive or forget when it comes to cheating? I forgave and mostly forgot. I don't go there even when we fight. Only if he does something totally unacceptable, or is being unreasonable towards me, I remind him. I just say her name. 18. Pay back or pay it forward when it comes to cheating? None... it is not a game of that sort for me. 19. Name a situation in which cheating would not upset you. When I have no more romantic feelings for my partner I wish him to love and be loved. 20. Name a situation in which you would expect cheating to happen. Too many to name. But if I were to be unhappy in my current relationship and met someone who would give me all that I need... 21. Does cheating create a precedent? If you mean if you have cheated once it is easier the next time - yes I suppose, specially if you have never been found out. 22. Is it possible to never cheat? I think it is. There are non-cheating types. But most of the human race is not monogamous. And we crave love and affection. Want to be special for someone... Last edited by marinik; 07-10-2009 at 04:54 PM.

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07-09-2009, 12:30 PM	#2 (permalink)
AGBourne Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 101	1. What is your definition of cheating? Not telling the other person. Lying to yourself and to another. 2. Are there grades to cheating or all forms of cheating are equal? There are different levels, its not black and white. 3. Have you ever cheated? I once said I wasn't going to eat something that day and then I did. 4. Have you ever been cheated? Yes 5. Which of the above is easier to forgive? Both, once you realize that life goes on and stop trying to control everything. 6. Which of the above would break the relationship? Both 7. Which gender is most likely to cheat? Cheaing is not gender specific, its universal. 8. What would be a reason for cheating? Boredom 9. What would be YOUR reason for cheating? I wouldn't look for an excuse. 10. What would be a reason not to cheat? Self-respect 11. What would be YOUR reason not to cheat? Self-respect 12. Would love make any difference? Opposite of love is indifference. 13. Would marriage make any difference? Outside/exterior circumstances are excuses. It all begins inside. 14. Would children make any difference? Outside/exterior circumstances are excuses. It all begins inside. 15. Would gender make any difference in how you see cheating? No 16. After cheating, is it better to tell the blunt truth or skilfully hide it? Truth 17. Forgive or forget when it comes to cheating? Forgive, say goodbye and move on 18. Pay back or pay it forward when it comes to cheating? Move on 19. Name a situation in which cheating would not upset you. It doesn't upset me, it is what it is. What will be will be. Stop trying to control and just let go. 20. Name a situation in which you would expect cheating to happen. Another excuse. If you are going to do it, just do it. 21. Does cheating create a precedent? No 22. Is it possible to never cheat? Depends on the definition of cheating

07-09-2009, 05:07 PM	#3 (permalink)
Anthony Parkes Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Paris, France Posts: 3	Hello Annemarie! I've been asking myself the same questions lately as you have 1. What is your definition of cheating? Whenever your partner gets physically or emotionally involved with someone else without talking to you about it - or asking for your consent (in the case of an open relationship) 2. Are there grades to cheating or all forms of cheating are equal? Yes there are, but cheating in essence implies very serious problems in the relationship. 3. Have you ever cheated? No 4. Have you ever been cheated? Not that I know of... 5. Which of the above is easier to forgive? None 6. Which of the above would break the relationship? Both 7. Which gender is most likely to cheat? Both 8. What would be a reason for cheating? None 9. What would be YOUR reason for cheating? Have fun 10. What would be a reason not to cheat? Not wanting to... 11. What would be YOUR reason not to cheat? I love my partner - I don't WANT to cheat 12. Would love make any difference? No 13. Would marriage make any difference? No 14. Would children make any difference? Possibly 15. Would gender make any difference in how you see cheating? Yes 16. After cheating, is it better to tell the blunt truth or skilfully hide it? Tell the truth 17. Forgive or forget when it comes to cheating? Say goodbye and move on 18. Pay back or pay it forward when it comes to cheating? Move on 19. Name a situation in which cheating would not upset you. None 20. Name a situation in which you would expect cheating to happen. Long distance relationship 21. Does cheating create a precedent? Definitely 22. Is it possible to never cheat? If you genuinely love your partner, I believe so.

07-10-2009, 12:02 AM	#4 (permalink)
Dreamline Banned Join Date: May 2009 Location: Raleigh, NC Posts: 989	1. What is your definition of cheating? Anything that you wouldn't do in a flirtatious, contact, or sexual way if your SO was present. 2. Are there grades to cheating or all forms of cheating are equal? There are grades. Cybersex is low on the scale. Intercourse/oral is high. 3. Have you ever cheated? Yes 4. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes 5. Which of the above is easier to forgive? Unsure what this means. 6. Which of the above would break the relationship? Not sure what this means. 7. Which gender is most likely to cheat? Equal between the sexes. Statistics bear this out, officially. 8. What would be a reason for cheating? Boredom with that person. Seeing yourself growing hopelessly apart from them. Feeling dead inside and not wanting to hurt the other person by leaving them. 9. What would be YOUR reason for cheating? Above. 10. What would be a reason not to cheat? You are mature enough to see this is a lame activity, karma killing and so beneath your level of class. 11. What would be YOUR reason not to cheat? Same 12. Would love make any difference? Yes. 13. Would marriage make any difference? My current one, yes. 14. Would children make any difference? No idea. 15. Would gender make any difference in how you see cheating? No 16. After cheating, is it better to tell the blunt truth or skilfully hide it? Hide it. Your stupidity shouldn't have to affect everyone in your sphere of influence. Just learn from it. Move on. 17. Forgive or forget when it comes to cheating? Both or you are better off apart. 18. Pay back or pay it forward when it comes to cheating? Now? Forward. Then? Back. 19. Name a situation in which cheating would not upset you. If I could have some fun too. 20. Name a situation in which you would expect cheating to happen. No such situation exists. Cheating is not situational, it's egotistical. 21. Does cheating create a precedent? Sometimes, I would imagine. 22. Is it possible to never cheat? Yes. Jennifer

07-10-2009, 10:55 AM	#6 (permalink)
Annemarie Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 24	Just quickly dropping in to say that it's very interesting to read your answers. Thanks for posting. Oh, hello Anthony!

07-10-2009, 05:31 PM	#8 (permalink)
spirit4711 Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Nong Seng Posts: 3,975	Do a search on the word cheating on this board. Not so long we discussed about 5 pages or so on the topic. My personal POV: I love cheating and being cheated. Adds spice to my life .

07-10-2009, 06:32 PM	#11 (permalink)
marinik Legendary Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Where Living and Loving and Laughing are written into the Constitution Posts: 14,240	What can you do, we tend to flock together!

07-10-2009, 06:34 PM	#12 (permalink)
spirit4711 Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Nong Seng Posts: 3,975	True, but I like converting non cheaters too!

07-11-2009, 03:07 PM	#13 (permalink)
Daffy Duck Banned Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 3,001	Wow spirit and marinik, it's not often I see people rejoice in dishonesty, let alone encourage it. 1. What is your definition* of cheating?* There are varying degrees of what could be considered cheating. But basically, if you get romantically involved with someone other than your committed partner, and you hide this information from your partner, then you're cheating. 2. Are there grades* to cheating or all forms of cheating are equal?* Yes, there are grades. Some people consider one thing cheating and someone else may have a different idea. I don't think kissing is the same thing as having sex with someone, though both can be considered cheating. 3. Have you ever cheated? No. The only thing remotely close to cheating I've done is some occasional flirting, which I've been completely honest about and is generally regarded as no big deal at all by partners. Even flirting I'm tending to avoid nowadays. The last girl I flirted with became heavily attracted to me and seemed upset that I wouldn't do anything physical with her. 4. Have you ever been cheated? Yes. 5. Which of the above is easier to forgive? Hmmm. I'd probably find it easier to forgive someone else than forgive myself for cheating. I expect other people will sometimes make stupid mistakes. But I don't expect myself to. 6. Which of the above would break the relationship? Both. 7. Which gender* is most likely to cheat?* I think it's reported that guys cheat more often, but both genders are equally capable. 8. What would be a reason for* cheating?* Feeling neglected. 9. What would be YOUR reason for* cheating?* There wouldn't be one. 10. What would be a reason not to* cheat?* If you want to be an honest and authentic person. 11. What would be YOUR reason not to* cheat?* Daffy Duck is not a douchebag. 12. Would love* make any difference?* Not sure about this question. Is it okay to cheat because you "love" the person you're going to cheat with? Not in my book. 13. Would marriage* make any difference?* Yes. Anyone who goes through a divorce can agree to that. 14. Would children* make any difference?* Yes. 15. Would gender* make any difference in how you see cheating?* No. 16. After* cheating, is it better to tell the blunt truth or skilfully hide it?* If you want an honest relationship, you need to tell the truth. If you want to encourage dishonesty in the world, then sure, be a liar and hide it. 17. Forgive or forget* when it comes to cheating?* Depends. I'd probably forgive the person and forget to include them in my life any further. 18. Pay back or pay it forward* when it comes to cheating?* Ummm... neither? What does paying it forward mean? 19. Name a situation in which cheating would not upset* you.* I guess if I were about to break it off with my partner, it wouldn't matter as much. It's still a crappy thing to do. 20. Name a situation in which you would expect* cheating to happen.* Anything involving alcohol or drugs can increase the odds. 21. Does cheating create a precedent? I don't understand this question. 22. Is it possible to never* cheat?* Of course. That was a fun questionnaire. Thanks!

07-11-2009, 03:45 PM	#14 (permalink)
Kean Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 59	1. What is your definition of cheating? - Engaging in any behavior in which you obtain personal gain without sharing the decision with someone who would expect you to/your partner. (e.g. if your partner agrees that you can have sex with another guy, it would not be cheating) - Engaging in any behavior in which you obtain personal gain and being dishonest about it or withholding any information about it. (e.g. you like another guy very much but don't tell about it to your partner OR e.g. you seduce a guy without telling him that you already have a partner) 2. Are there grades to cheating or all forms of cheating are equal? All forms are equal. 3. Have you ever cheated? No. 4. Have you ever been cheated? Yes. 5. Which of the above is easier to forgive? Both. 6. Which of the above would break the relationship? None. 7. Which gender is most likely to cheat? The gender with most options: female. 8. What would be a reason for cheating? Deriving greater pleasure than available in present relationship. 9. What would be YOUR reason for cheating? I wouldn't cheat. 10. What would be a reason not to cheat? - Staying true to principle of honesty. - Fostering more communication with present partner, possibility to increase pleasure in the present relationship. - Provide an example to rest of society, friends, etc. 11. What would be YOUR reason not to cheat? - I would choose a girlfriend or I would foster a relationship that would provide me with enough pleasure so that I wouldn't need to cheat. 12. Would love make any difference? - I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone I don't love. - I wouldn't need to cheat if I love someone. 13. Would marriage make any difference? - I wouldn't marry anyone I would need to cheat on. 14. Would children make any difference? - I wouldn't make children with anyone whom I would cheat on. 15. Would gender** make any difference in how you see cheating? - No (not sure whether I understood this properly. If you are asking whether I would be less worried if I saw a guy cheating a girl, rather than a girl cheating a guy, the answer is "no!") 16. After cheating, is it better to tell the blunt truth or skilfully hide it? Blunt truth. 17. Forgive or forget when it comes to cheating? Forgive AND forget! 18. Pay back or pay it forward when it comes to cheating? None. 19. Name a situation in which cheating would not upset you. When my prime minister (Italy) cheated on her wife 20. Name a situation in which you would expect cheating to happen. When one of the partners is less morally educated and has less willpower. 21. Does cheating create a precedent? Only if you want to (self-fulfilling prophecy) 22. Is it possible to never cheat?** So far, I have never cheated, so I guess it is possible.

07-11-2009, 08:03 PM	#18 (permalink)
Angela Banned Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 22,520	Daffy, I think the attitude marinik likes (marinik, if I may be so bold?) is spirit's attitude that regarding cheating, there is no problem here. There's a certain lighthearted glee that comes with being free of a problem that other people are chewing on. It's not glee that others do have the problem; it's the glee that comes from conscious freedom from having the problem. And of course, it's not so funny to the people who have the problem. (Just to be clear, the problem is not "cheating", the problem is "there is cheating, and there shouldn't be.") Does that sound about right, marinik or spirit?

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